Friday, October 22, 2010

manfive friday #59

you ever been with someone...and they act like you've fallen off your game? they tell you all the shit that ain't "cute" about you. but don't quite realize they putting that.."that shit ain't cute" vibe out there too.

this week's manfive friday #59 topic is: 5 ways men know you aren't in a sexy mood..

i kinda got into this in the, "how to tell she's gotten too comfortable" post. but i'm bout to go in on how you ladies be tripping like a motherf%@#er...

#5: she doesn't shave anything... nothing.

her face. her eyebrows aren't tweezed. her mustache is thicker than yours. she got chest hairs, excessive arm hair, her pits are marked with the mark of chewbacca. her legs are furry. yanno like a cat. and her um er. nether regions feel like.."a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder why i ever went under..". when she ain't feeling sexy, she don't want you to feel her sexy either. therefore she puts up that hair block. that...ok, try something and you'll get caught in my spider web. literally. she probably have cob webs growing from the lack of action you've been getting.

#4: she starts wearing wool suits to bed..

wool suits. thermals. snuggies. jogging pants. your clothes. other men's clothes. bottom line. when a woman starts wearing unsexy shit to sleep. she is not feeling you or feeling that sex situation. not to say, she can't wear your clothes. just saying. if this is what she's better believe there is no rolling over and accidentally slipping on something. simply because there is too much of a barrier between the two of you. she doesn't even want skin to skin contact. just imagine someone giving you a delicious, sexy, scrumptious piece of chicken...wrapped up in duck tape. yea..yanno you ain't ever gonna get to the's not even a tease, because for all you know there could be a doggie treat wrapped up in know if she ain't in her panties or lack of panties..then you gonna have to unwrap a mummy before you can get to the good stuff. then you still gotta turn her on.  yanno how many beers..hours of of madden you can play in that amount of time?...yea....a lot.

#3: she starts being a shit machine...

back in the good old days a woman wouldn't pass gas in front of you. my dad told me, my mom wouldn't shit around him for years. even after they got married. said he just thought she either didn't shit..or her shit didn't stink. said one day he left for work..came back home for something walked in and smelled roadkill in a crock pot. he busted in the bathroom and she was so shame. he said after that..the floodgates of stanktown had been opened. she never hid that shit again. well...fellas. we all know the ladies gotta take a potty break. there are ladies who gracefully take shit break, stays in there for a while for the smell to die down and sprays up a storm. then there are ladies who get up out the they going to go "get themselves together" for extra curricular activities. you all waiting. adjusting your shit to look all pointy when she gets back. practicing your sexy face. and waiting. and waiting. and waiting. and waiting. then the door slings open. and you can see the green puffs of smoke billowing behind her. she goes washes her hands..leaves the door open..and gets in the bed and says "goodnight"..... o m g f a c e....w t f f a c e. yea...i was trying to get some, but after that shit that apparently has even got on your wool suit...i can't do it.

#2: she starts wearing a fucking bonnet...

yes..women put them on to protect their hair. but the most unsexiest shit is a fucking bonnet. even if you gotta wear a head scarf. wrap your head in aluminum foil..a bonnet is the last fucking resort. it's awful. i hate it. i hate it. and i hate you if you wear one. take it off. take it off right now. if you're reading this and got one on...take it off. take it off dammit. a bonnet is the mark of the grandma eating little red riding hood wolf. don't get ate like grandma. in ain't getting ate no kinda way with no damn bonnet on. i'm sorry. if she pulls out the might as well find a new girlfriend. cause that's pretty much saying..."i want to completely turn you off...". mission accomplished.

#1: any creams, retainers, breath right strips, suppositories..

if a woman is in the bed with you and she doesn't LIVE with you. and she starts putting on shit, you should never see her in until 5 months after yall get married. run. it's all good..her being comfortable. it's all good her being herself. but if she suits up for bed like she's the acne queen of the world. she puts in her sleep guards, she got rash cream smeared all over your's not gonna get sexy for you ever again bruh. it's not. she is a lost cause. leave it alone. if she's asking you to put a suppository in...or rub hemorrhoid cream on her ass...dude..she has put you in the "asshole soother" zone. meaning. the only ass you getting will be laced with tingly minty steroid cream. bottom line a woman who wants to be sexy, will be sexy for you. when she starts looking like she don't care, believe it...she don't care.


Monique said...

I am dying at this post because you are so on point. When your on "punishment" I break out the shorts and the college tshirt. LOL That's a clear sign that nothing is happening but sleep. I've known my son's father for 4 years and I swear I just started putting a bonnet on around him. Who wants to look like ragamuffin around a man? I need his fantasies to about how sexy I looked in my nightgown, not how homey I looked in my tattered bonnet.

I still won't do #2 with a guy in the house. Sorry, but not happening. I will hold it until I'm home alone. I don't need the truth that women shyt to become a reality.

I can't get with the not shaving thing. I don't care how comfortable we are, that's not happening. I don't want to talk around with legs looking like Chewbecca. I'm good.

~Sheila~ said...

Alright, first things first!

Where'd you get that pic of me? I swore I got rid of it way back when..

And the second thing...

Why you putting me on blast like that? Not cool man...not cool.

For real tho,
I'm a lazy ass shaver. I'm not really concerned about my legs being shaved unless I KNOW I'm getting nookie. And of course, it's when I want it. No one has to know what's going on in my nether regions until it's time to check it out. Angel lives/works in houston during the week so I'm only on shave duty Fridays.
(Damn, that's today)

Yes, I put on my suit of armor when I've shut down the factory for awhile. The maintainence crew is in there making repairs. We get them in there, you know...once a month.
Okay...maybe more than once the factory is closed but you's

About #3...if I gotta go, I gotta go. You're shit stinks too! We know, we pass that doorway 1/2 hour after you have stepped out and we know how to track you down afterward and we don't need a hound dog.

#4 What the heck is a bonnet? Like wrapping your hair? I have no idea. YES!! I know I'm black!! My mom is mexican..someone help me out and fill me in...
...and tell me where I can get one and how to use it if it's useful! (thanks)

As for the creams..etc..
After 12 years of marriage, if you can't put cream (or any other stuff) on me to make me feel better, don't be expecting to hit it when I am feeling better. In other words, you better help pay the vet bills for the kitty kat.

...that is all..

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

@monique: lol..see how guilty you are. *smh*..

@sheila: angel sent me that picture of you. he says he keeps it on his phone to remind him how good he has it at also asked me to put you on blast, he co-authored this post..(j/k)

i agree with your last statement. after a while he should be down to put whatever creams wherever. but in the beginning. if you don't already have him handcuffed to the bed, your life, a pre-nup...the cremes should stay a personal thing between you and your asshole. lol

as for the bonnet. i beg of you not to inquire or ever try to wear one. trust me, angel will thank me for bonnet blocking. bonnets are awful caps that women put on at night to take the place of a "satin pillow". like a satin shower cap. *throws up a little in my mouth* at the thought.

Krissy said...

I guess if I ever start sleeping in clothes aside from a week a month lover will start thinking something is wrong with me lol.

I've never been the type to hold my poops lol. If I gotta go, I just gotta do. But I will make sure it doesn't smell like something died in there when I'm done. That's just rude for him or myself to do that!

sunshinestar110 said...

hey hey...just as we get comfortable so do men..yall get to slippin too!!
hey hey @ #2 i will not be messin up my $75 hair style trynna be extra cute...accept the scraf she is our friend!!!