Friday, May 28, 2010

manfive friday #45

manfive friday # 45 topic of the week: what your ex's really tell us...

not saying we talking to your ex's because that's kinda lame. but just like yall, men form opinions on you based on your last dude. don't think just because we ain't sweating him, we ain't paying attention. it's almost like going from high school to college. yanno how the "nerds" go to college and pretend they were always cool? and until you meet their old friends or someone who went to school with them you have no idea...

that's how it is with exes. you can act like all your chicks were hot as hell..and as soon as she see that chick who used to strip for chicken nuggets, with the scar on her cheek, tatt on her tongue, weave from 1990..she looking at you like "uh huh...". well ladies i'm here to tell you, that yall shit stanks as well. as men, we may not be as vocal coming at your exes the way yall do ours. but don't think we don't notice you used to date the dude at the bus stop, with the fake ipod, mall fake bling chain, looking like he'll either wash your windows or sell you a bean pie for $1. believe it or not your ex's tell us a lot about you. five things your exes tell us that you weren't trying to let us know...

#5: your type of man. . .

ask a woman what her type when you're not with her. and she'll have a laundry list of shit. then ask her her type when you're with her (if you're lucky) she'll try to pretend it's all things about you. but look at her exes...and that's when you really see. because women have three types of list.

1. their IDEAL man

-everything her "perfect" man would have.

2. the man they actually end up dating

-everything about the men they have actually dated who have not had things from the other 2 list.

3. You (their current man)

-everything they like about you & the things they have settled for

you have to compare all of those list to really understand what her dating style is.. she'll tell you she want a dude that's 6'5. but the tallest dude she's ever dated was 5'10. and you're 5'5. so which one is her true preference? the dude that's 5'10. lol. that's right. she's always going to average that shit out. she knows the 6'5 might be unattainable. and she's settling for you 5'5. but if most of her dudes were around 5'10...guess which height she prefers? think about it..

look at your chicks exes. then watch the dudes they are always losing their minds over on tv or in the magazines. then look at yourself. average that shit out. if you fit in her average, basically if you have a lot of traits similar to her exes..then you're her type. if you are COMPLETELY different. and she is going crazy over dudes COMPLETELY different....sir, you are the exception. she is dating you due to some circumstance beyond your understanding. you will not understand it, so don't even try to. my favorite thing is to have a woman act like she has a type and find out her "type" is loser. yea he may have been this & that..he may have been the sexiest dude you've ever seen in your life. but the second i see dude is a loser...he might as well change his name to "steve urkel". if dude is broke. balding. a fake thug. drive a hooptie. got 3 baby mamas, live with his baby mama or his own mama. don't matter what he have i don't have. it simply does not matter. because let's face it..chicks compare themselves physically to your last chicks. men do not. men automatically think your last dude was ugly. men automatically don't see what the hell you saw in him. men automatically don't care, as long as you like us we aren't worried about it. only time a dude will check you about your type or your exes is if you acting like he ain't up to par. and trust...if you have "loser" exes...your best bet is to shut the fuck up. there is no way you can turn a loser into a winner. sorry...

you might be that "nice" dude. or that, "i'm trying something different" dude. or that "rebound" dude. whatever the know where you measure up. but that's not a bad thing. i've been with chicks where i was the exception. but when i really looked at the trash they were with before me it was like..."seriously?...this is my competition?". i might not be your ideal type, your usual type...but your choice in dudes wasn't that great to begin *pushes play* "upgrade you..

#4: that you aint a golddigger...cause you been messing with them broke..broke nig-gas...

if your last dude didn't have 5 pennies to rub together to squeeze out a nickel..don't be in my pockets unless you're trying to grab my flashlight. women assess you. they assess what you're working with. even though they will continually mess with a dude with no ends. as soon as they find one with they trying to make you spend before they bend. and i know i come off as if i'm saying, "men have to pay for sex". but i'm saying....

a man with money has to "show" you a lot more than the dude who was always sitting at your mama's house getting it in with you when your mama went to sleep. because you expect more. but all it tells us is, if he can hit it for free..why the hell i gotta pay to play? when a guy finds out your last dude was working with beer money & you had beer taste opposed to your new found "champagne" taste...he knows that trickin' is an option NOT a requirement. at this point anytime you act like he gotta get your hair fixed for you to give him some, he looking at your ass like "yea right". tip ladies: be realistic & respect his money. if you won't spend $ on some shit for wouldn't ask your last boyfriend to spend it...why you asking me? that's my line of thinking. i'm the kind if you need it..i'll get it for you. if you ask me, i'll think about it. but if you tell me, i'll be like wt-fuckever.

but wait..if she dated a dude with more money than you...& you're the broke dude. it don't matter. if you're the broke dude..she gonna conform to you. women will step down in a second for a broke dude. they talk crazy shit about them. but as soon as they get with the dude they picking him up, paying for shit, buying them clothes..etc. it's crazy how broke dudes get better treatment and more effort than dudes who are taking care of their own. again women a testament to the fact that people always mistreat/take advantage of the one's doing the most of them.

#3: your freak-a-leek meter..

i have this theory...a woman will try something once. if she likes it, she'll do it all the time. if she doesn't she'll NEVER do it again. if you mess up and tell me you & your ex used to do random off the wall shit. guess what. i'm assuming we're gonna be doing off the wall shit too. don't go all prude on me. if you tell me you having sex outside on the roof in the rain. don't act like you can't get your hair wet now. if you tell me you have a potential sex tape circulating out there that you are trying to get back in your possession. don't trip when i turn on the camera. not saying you don't have the right change your mind about things. just don't start with me, thanks!

#2: how NOT to treat you...

obviously they are your ex for a reason right? the fastest way to learn how to treat someone is, is to avoid the mistakes of the last dude. all the things he did that hurt you. all the things he did that pissed you off. if a man pays attention to you, he won't make the same mistakes. and if he does at least he can say..."it's not like you're not used to it.." (just

#1: your depth of feelings for us vs. them..

this isn't always a great one to find out. if you're always talking about him. if you're always worried about him. if you're getting updates. if you're still following him on facebook, twitter, or myspace to get updates. it's subtle things. just the way you talk about them. the way things seem "unfinished". the way he could do no wrong. vs. how you're always complaining about me. men aren't usually insecure when it comes to your exes. i think the most insecure a guy gets is when they feel like you are still into or were more into your ex. or like YOU are comparing him to your ex. #1 tell a tale sign that you're not over him is you crying, whining, or getting mad over an email he sent you. or the new girl he's dating. or you knowing some shit you shouldn't know about his life because yall shouldn't really be "keeping in touch". so stop it..if you want to have a successful relationship, stop living in the past. we're gonna figure it out sooner or later. and once the sex gets old...we'll leave you sleeping with your broken heart for good..since it wasn't us that broke your heart to begin with.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

#twitterkills thursday #28

this week's #twitterkills thursday #28: goes out to...@ihatekatstacks bitch...

if you get twitter famous by sucking & fucking, you need to be #twitterkilled. once for being trifling. the other time for embarrassing your mama. oh wait, her mama's doing videos with her too?..#twitterkill @ your mama too. but can't blame the groupies. who's fault is it that chicks like kat stacks are annoying the masses? it's yall damn fault.

yes i admit her annoying ass entertains me with her fuckery. it's funny to laugh at the dumb dudes who continue to fuck with her when it's obvious she's out for blood. she is literally changing the game with her 411 sessions of all your favorite rappers (who actually when you think about it, aren't your favorite rappers at all. she's actually doing them a favor because no one's been checking for any of them in a minute). so why is it yall fault? because if you follow @ihatekatstacks you encourage her fuckery on a different level. it's not about laughing at her being stupid anymore. by following her it's her getting recognition for her foolishness. this chick not only thinks she's fine. she thinks it's sexy to be a gangsta bitch drinking vodka straight with her titties sitting on her earlobes. while i enjoy titties sitting on earlobes, i can not endorse that foolishness. if i don't see it on www. then i don't see it at all. i could never follow someone that annoying on a regular bases. cause let's face it, we all know a hoe that annoying in real life. are you following her? no...well why the hell are you following @ihatekatstacks?

in fact what ms. stacks (cause i'm nasty) really showing you is, sleeping with these pu$$y hungry rappers is easy. if katty can continue to get with these dudes even after it's obvious you shouldn't NEVER give her your number...then anyone with some nice titties and a big ass can do the same. i'm convinced all you gotta do is focus your attention on one dude. don't cheat on @bowwow with @SouljaBoy, it's obvious they gossip with each other too much. if you're gonna be a successful twitter groupie, target the young & dumb rappers one at a time. the one's who yes..could walk into any mall and take 6 chicks home, but they so young & dumb they do that then get on twitter looking for some more chicks to speed up their quest for HIV. then start feeding their ego. then (because all of them do it) participate in one of their "twitter after dark" sessions. and if you catch their'll be at their house in a a cab in about 3-4 hours later. why follow @ihatekatstacks..when you can BE @ihatekatstacks? just a friendly PSA. i want you ladies to be leaders, not followers. don't follow the the hoes.

loading up a syringe cocktail....gardiasal, valtrex, monastat...*POW* {kat stacks laugh} *tee hee*

Friday, May 21, 2010

manfive friday #44...

there comes a time in every man's life where everything changes. the chick you were so enamored with has finally shown her true colors. she no longer pretends to like things you like. she no longer tries to impress you with cooking, straightening up your place, or even likes any of your friends. she's gotten to the the stage where she is "too comfortable". and we all know besides proposing women run the "relationship" progression game. the relationship goes as slow or as fast as they want it. once the "just dating" phase is over. they lose the tolerance to deal with you & the things they once sucked it up because they were "so into" they no longer do. what happens when they get too comfortable?...

manfive friday topic #44: 5 things men...stop doing, when you get too comfortable..

everyone loves the beginning stages. when it's all about pleasing. you're trying to please me. i'm trying to please you. you're excited about everything i do. i think everything you do is great. then one day the spark is mosquito flame worthy instead of blazing campfire. let me let you ladies in on a little secret...once you stop trying. we do too. here are 5 things we stop doing once you stop doing things..

#5: we stop being embarrassed around you...

dudes be putting on for you, just like you be putting on for them. yanno how he told you, that his place was being painted? truth was dirty as hell and he wasn't ready for you to see him like that yet. or when yall went to that nice restaurant and he ordered a salad, and told you he was on a diet. truth is, he saw the prices and realized that's as far as his money was gonna stretch. we do things in the beginning to save face. but once we get comfortable, we have no problem breaking the truth to you. trust me.

the sounds & smells that come out of us will blow your mind. you THINK we give it to you full force, but you ain't smelt or heard nothing till we decide to stop sparing you the funk. because lets face it, women think their shit smells like flowers. yall think the little slips and belches are cute. and yall try to hold them back for a while. but once you start talking to us about your period at length. once you start letting them fly. once you start shitting with the door open. all gloves are off. "wait till you smell my shiiiit...wait till you smell my won't ever get enough.." because trust, we try to spare you till we realize you don't care. once you don't care, we are free to pollute the air all we want to. so be careful...

#4: we stop doing things without expectation...

women get under the strange illusion that we owe them, but never think they owe us. you'll have a chick who'll say.."mcdonald's is not acceptable...for a first date". yea ok. well not kissing me is not acceptable...for a first date. a woman ain't trying to give you none or move too fast. yet, she want you to wine & dine her. she wants you to drop stacks on shit. she's planning vacation and shit, but ain't thinking about what's gonna be expected once we get on that trip. bottom line. i'm not preaching..."we paying for sex..". just saying we understand to get in your panties we gotta do things...what's up with your ability to understand? you can't expect me to do things if you aren't living up to you side of the responsibilities. if you stop doing things i want & i'm used to. why do you think the things you want and/or used to will continue? women are so one sided when it comes to expectations. it's like you excuse yourself from girlfriend duties but want us to deliver all of the boyfriend duties. what planet does that seem fair?

#3: we stop caring about how we look...

it happens to us all. once you're in a relationship..what's the point in looking good? lol. you can't talk, touch, and most times even look in the direction of another chick. so it's like, why tempt them with the eye candy? why make them want you and make a completely difficult situation for yourself. yanno...being so sexy that you can't keep the ladies off of you. so the solution...stop preserving the sexy. whaaaat? does something seem wrong with that? afterall...women start wearing those damn head scarves to bed. start putting on the pimple cream, wearing their bummy sleep clothes instead of lingerie, stop shaving locations as much. yall fall off..but are so critical once we start to fall off. so what, i got a belly? so what i didn't shave, or i got the country bear fro going on. so what i'm wearing my morehouse shirt from 1995 that's ripped in so many places it looks like i'm wearing a mesh tank top. aren't you supposed to love me by now? when does that, "i love you the way you are..." start to kick in?

#2: we stop taking control...

after a certain point, we admit defeat. we allow you to start doing shit for us. you start answering our phones. you become our personal customer service handler. you plan and decide where we're going on dates, vacations, outings. we stop bucking up about things, because we know it's going to lead to a fight, argument, or a night in a cold shower. women look at this as "punking out" but you push the relationship towards this. we didn't start off like this. when you let us take you out. when you let us determine what we wanted to do. when it was left up to us, we did it. but after we had control for a while, you naturally try to steer things your way. taking on more responsibilities. maybe you thought it was cute at first handling all my dirty work, but now that i depend on you to do so..why you tripping? why you telling me to go back up to KFC and get my 2 piece breast & wing...when you can just call and get me a free dinner for the next time i go up there? if you get me used to something, then you can't be pissy when i look to you the next time it happens. like boston rob from survivor.."you're either with me, or against me..". don't drill holes in the ship and expect me to bail the water out myself.

#1: we start taking you for granted...

there comes a point in most relationship where you aren't paying attention as much as you should or used to. it's a very dangerous place, because for most's their breaking point. like seriously who wants to be with someone who doesn't appreciate or love you the way you feel they should? it's very easy to jump to conclusions and expect them of cheating. it's very easy to think they just don't care. when a man stops talking/paying attention to you as doesn't necessarily mean he's tired of you. it could simply mean that he just doesn't want to talk about the shit you want to talk about. or he doesn't realize he has to show you the things he feels he's already shown you. sometimes women want the "newness" on our part to last forever. when again, they aren't exhibiting the "newness" themselves. not saying deal & let a man neglect you. just saying investigate the situation before coming to the conclusion that "he's just not that into you anymore".

Thursday, May 20, 2010

#twitterkills thursday #27

#twitterkills reloaded...

yes, yanno when someone just doesn't get that they've been #twitterkilled? they are still showing the behavior that got the shotgun pointed at their neck. well this week #twitterkills is me doing a terminator and going back and #twitterkilling their asses for STILL doing the same shit i killed them for the last time.

#twitterkills thursday #27 topic of the week: you ain't learned your lesson so i have to kill you again..and again..and again..

first up...

#twitterkills 1: the person i targeted on this #twitterkill did NOT change their ways. they are still having a separatist party with their twitter list. and i KNOW they read this. so yanno what. *BOOM* boozoka #twitterkill goes out to you. don't no one want to be part of your twitter clique of babbling self righteous snobs. so continue to show me the list of people i do not WANT to add on twitter. thanks.

#twitterkills 2: ok...people who let their friends on twitter say their personal business or what's going on with them behind the scenes. *POW* *POW* *pow* *POW* (i snuck the little one in there to show even i have mercy, but a big one followed cause i changed my mind) it seems like you would have learned that gossiping about other folks wasn't your forte. if your homegirl or homeboy talks shit about me. and it's shit that they shouldn't even know. they are "ha ha ha inside joke tweeting you...", bringing facebook info to twitter, or they are TELLING on your ass for being out with them last night when you told me you were at home sulking & washing your hair. go jump off a bridge. you should have nipped that shit in the bud after the last time. tell your friends to be quiet...i talk about your ass too..but you never find out about it on twitter. don't let a twitter friend get you into "outside of twitter" trouble. need to tell them to delete that tweet & hope the person didn't see it.

twitterkills 3: ok, we know you're a hoe. so *pow* to the dirty dirty hoe. we know the only bible verses you know we're written on a condom. so STOP trying to convince us you're a virgin when you only tweet getting head every morning with your pancakes & your twitter avatar is zoomed picture of your ass from the "up the skirt" angle. if you tweet like a hoe everyday, guess what we're gonna assume you a hoe no matter how much you try to deny it. that goes for anything except lying about being famous. we're rarely believe you're famous even if you tweet about it everyday. that's in the one loophole. so hoe yes, famous - no. unless you're tweeting your a famous hoe...that i believe. *pow* *pow* into each ass cheek. now sit down.

#twitterkills4: you non-important tweeters who think you are important just because 300 spammers and 30 real people followed you.. go suck on a ratchet lemon full of red fire ants drunk off miller lite. *pow-pow-pow* antpid fire (get it..ants + rapid + fire..yall suck lol).. if you think you're the shit on twitter, then you need to re-evaluate your life. don't address your followers as "followers" if you haven't made any real connections to anyone then you should get your ass off twitter with that "g.w. bush..everyone loves me shit" we do not. no one likes people on twitter who are too good to @reply them. no one likes people on twitter who whole life is based on fantasy of their importance...

twitterkills 5: *shooting phone* *POW* *shooting all five fingers one at a time* pow pow pow pow POW (thumb is a big pow). *shooting face* cocked back trigger POW. if i'm talking to you on the phone. if i'm sitting in your face. why the fuck are you on twitter? why do i get off the phone with you and see you've been on twitter the entire time we were talking? ADD much? and you wonder why you ain't heard me when i told you, "i won a million dollars would you like half...." yea you missed your chance. Nig-gaw (my stinkmeaner [boondocks] voice)
twitterkills 6: *shooting your old twitter picture* POW *shooting your new twitter picture* POW *shooting your future twitter picture* POW. now *shooting you* because i told you if you change both your twitter picture and your name at the same time i don't know who the fuck you are. POW STRANGER-POW

twitterkills 7: SIMPLE ASS TWEETER DEATH SHOULD BE SLOW...because they are fucking slow. if you haven't realized twitter is no longer about, "what are you doing..." literally you need to be tied to a skewer and woodfiregrilled until you taste like something from red lobster. i don't care that you are "talking to your mom" you can however tweet your mom just asked if your pregnant because you got in the house after 4am last night. that would be funny. you talking to your mom just fills my timeline with a useless tweet. because that is sharing information without really sharing it. like if we were having a conversation. unless i say, "what are you doing?". i wouldn't care if that you were "talking to my mom". if that's as interesting as your life gets, miss me for life & unfollow me please. BLOCK me. please. po---000---wwww- slowly so you can see my mouth mouthing pow as i shoot you...twitter is NOT for boring people. find another outlet to make friends because in this arena gladiator you've failed..

#twitterkills 8: if you are on twitter reading my time line but can't follow me. fuck you & goodnight. POW..

#twitterkills 9: if you are on my time and and still RT @revdumbrunswisdom. let me get you a cane because that's the blind leading the blind. don't fall victim to this man's madness. he's not inspirational. in fact i don't even think he's a real rev. *seesmic raccoon side eye* POW POW POW

#twitterkills 10: to all my fallen comrades of twitter yesterdays..if i haven't seen you tweet in months because you are on facebook playing sorority life..i am revoking your twitter friend badge. and shooting you in the heart for being disloyal to twitter. i am after all the #twitterkiller. *peewwth* (that's a pow with a silencer...cause you silently killed our twitter alliance lol)

#twitterkills 11: twitterjackers. i saw someone tweet the dude that twitterjacked my swag the other day. i swear every time i see that i wanna just @reply dude and ask for my life back. like seriously. my chick says "i think everyone is trying to be like me" and she's just being naive because of course everyone wants to be like me...geez. but for real. i know when i'm being jacked. and i only like being jacked by chicks..not *shake weight reloading...* POW nig-gaw get your own life...

#twitterkills 12: i know not having tweeter friends is lame. so pow @ you lame ass monkeyfuckers. i admit it's not easy getting twitter friends because people who have been on for a while aren't "willing to follow" but get out there and hustle for friends. if you have under 10...and be on twitter for more than 10 days are you are not taking twitter seriously. because even spammers will follow your ass. lol. i won't kill you too much you're ego has already been killed enough.

#twitterkills 13: do not correct my typos or act like you won any spelling bees on twitter. you ain't kee kee palmer and your mama ain't angela bassett. so whatever. i hate people who try to correct me or tell me some shit on twitter. this is twitter. if i mispelled some shit you don't get a gold star for correcting me. you get a middle finger *POW* and if you dislike what i'm talking about, unfollow me. that's that simple.

#twitterkills 14: recently a friend on twitter @meldenise (went back to find it and it's gone) tweeted a picture of a chick with a full arm twitter tattoo of the bird and "follow me". it was RIDICULOUS. when twitter gets that serious in your need to *swallow a grenade* and just EXPLODE

#twitterkills 15: and if i find out your mama died, you want to break up, or you're not coming to my birthday part on twitter..i'm going to kick your ass then shoot you in it. like sharpshooter style right in your asshole. let some of that shit out...cause you're full of it..POOOOW

#twitterkills 16: if you such a celebrity why are you still grinding? that's like saying you're a doctor while still in medical school. you are NOT. so stop it. i wouldn't trust you to prescribe me a hobby let alone a cure for anything. so stop pretending you're famous. if you were famous obviously you wouldn't have to tell me right?...please kill yourself *noose swinging sound*

#twitterkills 17: all you people who don't friend your friends on twitter...go buy you a friend off ebay. because if you can't take a whiny ass "off twitter" friend on twitter then you're not a real friend anyway. take the friend bullet and follow their ass, it won't kill you. get brizzly and just mute their asses. something. *pow* in the fist for not being a team player.

#twitterkills18: {if you}don't you hate it when {are the person} you're on twitter {who keeps talking shit} and you get the sneaking suspicion {to me on twitter} that someone is talking about you {without saying my name} yet, they aren't saying any {die}names? i hate when someone is mad with me or about something and they get on twitter blasting that shit for sympathy or attention. it's like...tell them both sides of the situation, i bet you the choir won't say amen..anyway. stop it. you wanna talk shit, @studiogenius. copy & paste that shit before what you gotta say. i dare you. *sprinkling anthrax on your doughnut* sizzle

#twitterkills 19: those still tweeting and driving...hope you get a ticket $450 bullshit ticket for that shit. *dui death for you sucka* EeeeeRRRr

#twittlerkills 20: what happens when you act like you're free & single and looking for a new man? your dude gets a video hoe *tasha from "why did i get married death* BOOM

#twitterkills 21: nothing to kill kiddies are out for the summer. complaining about being bored and not wanting to wake up before 2am...*get a job death* FICA

#twitterkills 22: if you are mad....and you have to tell me about it. and you have to log off about it. then you need anger management NOT twitter. *red face till you run out of breath*

#twitterkills 23: you copy & pasting a check mark with verified in your twitter name is the equivalent to you copy & pasting somebody else's name on a diploma. it still ain't yours and you dumb as fuck. go validate my parking please. *meter maid on a hot ass day death*

#twitterkills 24: like the chick who branded twitter on her arm. unless you're providing a service to me or the community, i could truly care less about your brand. seriously. don't spam my email and don't spam my twitter. *got no manners death* please & no thank you.

#twitterkills 25: *whispers* let me give you something to retweet "STOP RETWEETING EVERYTHING" *cuts off your fingers, bleed to death, death* RT w/ your tongue

#twitterkills 26: if you are following me in real life, like you do on twitter. i'm scared. please leave me alone. *let the police kill you death* excessive unnecessary force

Friday, May 14, 2010

manfive friday #43

women LOVE to say that there is a double standard when it comes to them. but they never talk about how there is a double standards when it comes to men.

manfive friday #43 topic of the week: double standards...they happen to all of us.

yea it's said that men can sleep with whoever they want. while women can't. it's said that men don't have to care about image..but women are constantly objectified. it's said that men can be tyrants in business, but women are viewed as bitches for doing the same thing.'s true. women are victims to a lot of stereotypes. but there are also double standards when it comes to men as well. 5 situations women play the double standards card against men...

#5: women can criticize & critique, a man can't..

you ever watched maury, where the dudes are calling their chicks fat pigs. telling them they'd be more attracted to them if they lost weight. the second a man opens his mouth to call a woman fat, even if she IS fat..he's wrong. not saying men are held to a universal standard like women are. just saying women got so many different words for calling themselves 'not' fat. a man is just fat & is supposed to love you regardless. even if you're 750 pounds and have to be air-lifted out the house. i am not allowed to joke or say anything about you breaking the sofa, chairs, or toilet. but you'll call me fat all day. the second a man sees a flaw and comments on it..he's wrong. i can't sit with my chick and tell her things i don't like about her, without a fight. women do not process criticism the same way. there is no creative way to say you don't like something. maybe it's because women are forced to concentrate on their image. so saying something about it brings out insecurities that men just don't think about. whatever the case, fastest way to end up cut, alone, or cut & alone is to tell a woman about her physical flaws. we cannot be honest about that shit, even if you ask us to. so men, don't ever fall for the.."just be honest, i won't be mad" shit. that is a bold ass monkeyfucking lie. serious. don't do it..

#4: women can be broke, men cannot..

listen, there are JUST as many broke chicks as there are broke men. go to any college campus. there are just as many chicks who are taking their change to coinstar to buy their tampons, as there are guys counting change to get gas money. the difference, who cares if a woman has money? a dude is NOT allowed to be broke. it don't matter what your circumstance is. women want a man who can at least take care of himself. women don't aspire to be with a man she has to take care of. not saying there are women who end up taking care of bum dudes. just's not a "good look". but men will date a woman with welfare money all the way up to a woman with oprah money. it does not matter.

#3: women can be friends with whoever, men cannot..

a woman can be friends with whoever she wants. if she wanna be friends with her ex, she'll do that. if she thinks it's okay to hang out with her girls, and some of their random dude friends she will. it's retarded how many times a chick will actually be hanging out with a chick and her boyfriend & a male friend of the boyfriend. that shit sound like a double fucking date to me...imagine, your dude telling you he was hanging out with his homeboy. "oh by the way his girlfriend & one her friends was hanging out with us too". someone dying tonight.... because women automatically don't trust it. yall don't trust us (even if we give you no reason not to..), but the kicker yall also don't trust the other chicks. you can tell me a chick that has never flirted with me a day of my life. a chick that i've known longer than you, "wants me..". but i can't say the same about your guy friend you allow to crash at your place when he's in town. GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. OF. HERE.

the truth is, women always think you should TRUST their friends intent more than your friends. meaning...i should think my homegirl wants to get with me, but i should trust your homebody don't want no part of you. again. GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. OF. HERE. i will NEVER trust your friends intent more than my own, yanno why? cause they are my fucking friends. unless my homegirl is walking around my room naked with honey targets all over her body, singing, "i want want me...." you can't tell me she is no more of a threat then your homebody. you don't trust chicks, guess what i don't trust dudes. keep your male friends, and make my life a living hell for trying to maintain friendships with females. and men..forget about making NEW female friends. women can do it. women can talk to dudes all day on twitter, facebook, myspace, gchat, whatever. but let a man talk to a chick on any of those sites and his chick is all over his shit making dumb comments to the chicks (yanno, i'm telling the truth). with men if a chick was not your friend before the start of your relationship, there is absolutely no way to make her your friend unless she comes through your chick. way of winning that one..

#2: women can have passwords to shit, men cannot..

again, women don't trust you...even when they do. just having a password bothers the fuck out of women. my chick wakes up with her phone. takes it to every room she goes in. it stays on vibrate. she's always texting, bbm'ing, tweeting, etc. i have NEVER picked up her phone exploring it. her soon as she saw my phone, "what's the pattern?". shit even my mom, my cousins all have tried to figure out the pattern. what is up with that? what is it about not being able to access shit makes you think there is some magical information you're missing out on? to women having a password, means you're hiding shit. so it's like, "well if you're'll give it to me". what you don't understand is it's my phone. it's my voicemail. it's my email. it's my computer. it's mine, mine, mine....and the most fucked up thing is most times the password is something simple like your birthday, a child's birthday, an anniversary, his lucky ass number. not to mention the information it's protecting don't be shit either. unless you catch a man cheating, find out a surprise for you, or find animal midget male porn guarantee you'll be unsatisfied with what you find once you crack his code anyway.

#1: woman can look at whoever, men cannot..

women love to say, "did you see her ass?...that's crazy". ok, let's reverse this. if my chick doesn't notice a chick's ass first and i say..."did you see her ass?...that's crazy" #fail. #fail. #fatfailwhale. if a chick's homegirl is wearing something really hoe-ish. are we allowed to comment? NO. are we allowed to even acknowledge we see another female? NO.

but it doesn't stop there. they can lust after any dude on tv or a movie. they can say, "he's cute", "he's attractive", "whew....". if i even act for a second like i think a chick on tv made me look twice, the tv is going off. if i mention a model *cough toccora cough*, then i'm automatically saying i want her, that's my type, everything that my chick doesn't have that she has..i want so i'm going to cheat. we can not say shit. we can not look at shit. even with chicks who say, "i don't mind if my man looks..". you'se a lie. you'se a monkeyfucking lie. yanno how i know? because the second his eyes follows that ass down the street, as soon as he turns to you you're gonna be staring at him giving him the evil eye. you're gonna mention it later. you're gonna get mad. because no one likes to think the person their with has eyes for someone else. the only reason dudes don't care about you because we are under the (false) illusion that you're not going on where. so go head lust after these shirtless heathens in your honey, upscale, ebony, essence magazines. i know you're gonna be rubbing my belly later on, i ain't worried. lol..

Thursday, May 13, 2010

#twitterkills thursday #26

this week #twitterkills thursday #26 is dedicated to the people on twitter who try to meet you through your tweets. like seriously.

personally, i've met a lot of great people through twitter. a lot of folks who are a lot of fun, would be great to hang out with, and i think are cool as shit. then there are the people who i GIVE no indication that i want to be friends with. those are the folks that when i say..."i'm headed to the zoo..." they @reply me back and ask me what time like we gonna meet up there. if i say "i'm at perimeter mall.." even though they've just finished saying they were sitting around the house they say, "what store...i'm at the nike store..".

*seesmic raccon side eye*

it's the people you actually get a little scared to tell "what you're doing" or "where you're at", for fear that they'd actually follow you there. it could even be your exes who are stalking your twitter to see what you're up to. and magically show up some place you've just tweeted you were at. i'm not saying you can't be in the vicinity of a twitter friend and they say, "hey, i'm up the street...". but most of us know how we react to seeing a twitter friend in public by accident.

@studiogenius: i think i just saw one of my twitter followers...

*crickets*... (i am not saying WHERE or WHO...) no one ever ask who. because they are scared it was them. lol. but, i'm not talking about those kind of run ins. i'm talking about the people who you think live in Utah, but then you name a location and they surprise you with.."i'm up the street from you...". creepy. lol. turn your gps on, join 4square, put your locations in your tweets. watch how many people start telling you they are "close" to you right now. yet, they never actually say where they are. which makes you feel like a field mouse..and their stalker hawker ass is ready to swoop down and abduct you.

*aiming at your binoculars*...*pow* ,*pow* one for each eye. *aiming at your gps*...*pow*. *shooting at the google map directions in your hand *pow*

Sunday, May 9, 2010

happy mother's day...

first and foremost, i wanna say happy mother's day to you ladies. even if you don't have children....yet. want you to know you are appreciated. i know (first hand) it's hard raising children, with or without the other parent. it's still hard, but highly enjoyable. thank you for bearing the pain monthly, thank you for carrying, nurturing, loving, raising our future. we definitely couldn't do it without you. you are greatly appreciated.

i joke about your gift giving abilities, but this is naturally one of the best gifts you could ever give us. as a self professed mama's boy...i love my mommy. she's been the one constant thing in my life since conception, well my dad's been there too. but there is nothing like a mother. the one woman i know despite anything i do will always love me. she's loved me before she even knew me, and i loved her back. her voice, i could recognize even if i were deaf in a room full of people. and as lame it as it sounds, one of my best friends. in fact if i don't get my ass out of here now, she's gonna be mad cause i'm supposed to be cooking her breakfast. something i've done/helped with every year of my life since i was a boy. you ladies have a happy mother's day. if no one else tells you, you're loved & appreciated.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

manfive friday #42

ok...i'm late this time because i was not satisfied with what i wrote & didn't want to publish it. i wrote it thursday night, told myself i'd look over it in the morning tweak it and publish it. then i realized i wanted to change A LOT of things, and simply didn't have time to do it yesterday. i am reckless with my mouth, but the key to my insanity is i try to "think" out the best way to say shit. if i'm talking to women about themselves, i try to make sure i'm not talking AT you. so when i get on my rants, i try to make sure it's a rant where you can see where i'm coming from.

a few weeks ago, i walked into a twitter debate with this chick who said, "black women aren't men simply are NOT on their level, it's hard to find one who hasn't be in jail or that has a high school degree.". now i'm paraphrasing, those weren't her exact words..but's it's the basic ideal she was trying to drive in. i must admit i'm a natural debater. and even though i try to stay away from twitter debates, i got drawn into this one.

ok, i agree women have been getting the shit end of the stick for a while, especially black women. but you can't play the blame game. why is it a man's fault? in fact why is it "the black man's" fault your alone? be responsible for your own choices, decisions, & preferences. this state of "unmarriedness" didn't happen overnight.

this week's manfive friday #42 topic of the week is: the 5 REAL reasons why you are alone and/or not married....

i'm not calling you bitter. i'm not saying that men don't need to step up and do better, but that is NOT the reason you can't find a man. as mentioned in manfive #39, you ladies are under the illusion that the man of your dreams will appear to you as such in a timely matter. almost like people who expect God to appear exactly when they want him and to do exactly what they want him to do..if you're expecting God in a button up, on a horse, with a handful of diamonds... you'll be waiting for a long time. onto the many reasons why you're not boo'ed, wife'ed, or cuddled buddied up...

reason #5: qualifiers: "there is a shortage of good/qualified men. . ."

what is a good man? i've ranted in more than half of my manfive's that a lot of women wouldn't know a good man if he fell out of heaven and landed on your car with angel wings on. yall would not be about it, at all. yes, there are a lot of losers out there. but the truth is, yall like the losers more than the good guys anyway. there's no shortage of good/qualified men, there is a shortage of men that women DEEM good/qualified.

check my diagram up top. men will look at women and we can find different qualities that make them desirable..the same man can be attracted to 4 completely different women. different races, backgrounds, education, physical features (big ass, no ass, tall, short, thick, skinny, fat, pretty face, etc..), dependent, aren't as choosy. this is why men don't have a hard time being in relationships and getting married. yet women will scope a room and only deem one guy worthy IF she even chooses him. women set a prototype and then that's it. why is it hard to find a man that possesses everything you want? because there are 4 other women looking for the same shit. once you get in particulars. "he must be at least 6ft", "he must have been to college", "he must make at least 80k", "he must...." you are setting qualifiers. and those qualifiers shorten your dating pool. the more qualifiers you have the narrower your dating pool which narrows your chance at finding someone who fits the IMPORTANT qualifiers. once you find a guy who meets you're physical & personal preference qualifiers..he still has to treat you right & love you. you're in a sense weeding out the guys before you find those qualities, which leaves you thinking & feeling there aren't enough "good/qualified" guys around.

so when i read (during the twitter debate), "it's hard to find a black man without a criminal record & a h.s. degree". i'm thinking...where are you looking? most women know where to find those kind of guys, it's called college. you want a man with a h.s. degree who more than likely doesn't have a jail record..take your ass to college. you women get the game twisted when you're looking for "wine on a vine". it takes time for a man to become the man of your dreams. he isn't born that way. he doesn't know the right things to say, right way to act, his first actions aren't always the right ones. by thinking that a man has to be "everything" on first impression you shoot down someone with potential. not saying, you should accept garbage, but you should at least sift through it first before you assume it's trash.

reason #4: you don't want to do shit for a man: your "traditional values" gene has mutated. . .

it's the age of the "new woman". and for some odd reason you don't see the correlation of the # of single women to the decrease of traditional roles. newsflash ladies: there are still men who want that shit. like one of my twitter buddies is always saying, "i don't want no fat dude, two big people can't do shit for each other". i feel the same way about non-cooks. if you can't cook and/or won't cook..and i can't/won't cook..the hell we gonna do for food? eating out everyday is NOT an get the picture? i don't expect you to work 8-12 hours a day and come home and slave over a stove for me. i don't expect you to stay at home and babysit kids all day long. i don't expect you to submit to me as a concubine. i just want a team player. i just want someone who sees the benefit for us a whole. i'm willing to do what i have to do to take care of you...what are you willing to do?

you know you want a man who can fix things & do things around the house. you know you don't want a man who's too busy to spend time with you. you know you don't want a man who works too much that he never spends time with his kids. so why do you think you can sit around and not do any of the things he'd want in a woman? i look forward to having a wife that takes care of me & my kids. whether she works or not. if i'm giving you the option to NOT's not asking too much in MY opinion. these things may seem barbaric, because YOU don't see the importance in it. and yes, there can be compromises made. but seriously this is why a lot of you are alone. if i want someone who's gonna work all day, come home & be too tired to cook, play with the kids, & make love to me i might as well find me a roommate and forgo getting married. a lot of you ladies (i won't be pretentious and say "most") think that doing the traditional woman roles will somehow make you less of a person. where the fuck did yall get that idea from? that's like me thinking that working & providing for my family will make me less of a man. how can doing something that contributes to a relationship make you feel like less of a person? that's YOUR insecurities ladies. women these days are too scared to trust in men. you are too scared to depend on someone to take care of you and have your best interest in want to control that, by not being put in that position. not saying that's where women belong, or there's anything wrong with wanting a career outside of the house. just saying there is a level between being a soccer mom vs. having a nanny who takes your kid to soccer practice. a level between working 12+hrs and being a homemaker. just like me providing doesn't mean i can neglect you and not spend time with the kids. you can't avoid the household either. don't lose focus of those nurturing qualities that men appreciate.

say it with me...

sac·ri·fice [sak-ruh-fahys]


the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

reason #3: you're hurt, damaged, or you're actually are bitter

i don't think the three are one in the same. i think they are steps. you get hurt, you become damaged, and then in result you CAN become bitter. i'm in no way trying to say that because you're hurt or damaged that MEANS you are bitter. just that most bitter chicks have been hurt or damaged in some sort of way that it's responsible for how they see things.

let's start off with, you hurt ladies...

the feeling of being hurt, leads to the 3 "a's" assumptions, avoidance, and absolution.

assumptions: after being hurt, you'll assume that's what love is. you'll assume that's
what you'll get. you assume this is what will happen again. you'll assume there is something wrong with you, or there is something wrong with love. which will lead to you not wanting to try it again. which will lead to you being afraid. which will lead to...

avoidance: once you've been hurt, you'll do anything to avoid being hurt again. you'll get the attitude that love isn't for you. that love isn't worth the trouble. that you'll be fine by yourself. you don't need it, want it, and will never have it.

absolution: this can go one of two ways. good or bad. yes, you were waiting on some poetic shit. but's only two ways.

the good way: you realize that it's not you. that's just the way love goes. that shit happens, and when it does you have to deal with it and move on.

the bad way: you realize that it's not you. that's just the way love goes. that shit happens, so now you want no part of it.

then we have the damaged ladies...

you ladies have been hurt to the point where you carry it with you. you can't open yourself up to be with someone, because you don't feel anyone will appreciate you. when in reality it's you who doesn't appreciate you. you don't see how great you are, and that the shit that was done, said, or that hurt you to this degree is some ol' bullshit. don't let anyone else's opinion of you, trump your own. don't ever let someone make you feel you're "beyond repair", because you're not broken. as long as you remember that, you can work on fixing the damage other's have done to you.

but the ladies who never realize that end up bitter...

bitter is part hurt, part jealousy. they are the chicks who are always hating on anything positive going on with you. they are the chicks being naysayers. they are the chicks using their experience to forecast why nothing works for you. they are the one's that even though they date, will NEVER have a man. but will always be because they find something wrong with them. not that there was something wrong with the guy. if you see a bitter chick, let her lemon ass be at the bitter party by herself. because a bitter chick don't want you to have anyone either. she will get in your way of having a dude, because then she'll by herself. a bitter chick wants you to be alone, so that her being alone isn't as noticeable.

reason #2: you confuse your independence or you get stuck in your own ways. . .

years of being by yourself, turns you into a "old maid" or into a very picky person. you get used to shit being a certain way. you get a routine. you get comfortable doing things yourself. so when it comes time to being with someone else, you think they should just adapt to your way of living. simply put....women who are used to taking care of themselves want to continue to. they don't need a man to do shit for them. which leads to them not wanting it. which ultimately leads to them not allowing a man to. and that's a big blow to our egos. even with no means, we want to take care of you. in some sort of way, women who are too "independent" are just that..independent.

which leads to you being stuck up. it leads you to feeling as if you can take it or leave it. almost like, "he can't do nothing for me, therefore he's not on my level". that's not true. a college dropout could could make ten times more than you (bill gates). just because you've achieved things in your life doesn't give you the right to look down on people. difference with men & women. men will date a woman who isn't, "on his level" credential wise. there are lots of things people can offer you. it doesn't always have to do with their credentials. a garbage man with a good upbringing can be a good man to you. when it comes to how people treat you, it's not about money, education, or looks. stop viewing people on the outside and get to know people for who they are. if you're independent and don't need a man financially, then maybe you should eliminate that as a need for a man you're trying to date. not saying go find a bum. just saying....why do you need a man who makes more than you when you make enough for you & him? if men thought that way..yanno how many single women there would really be?

reason #1: yall just don't want or aren't ready for a man

yes....this is really a real reason. you choose to be alone. you choose not to have a man. then you complain about it. why the fuck are you complaining? you're in control of your life. you're in control of your choices. you're in control of NOT allowing a man in your life. either that or you're not ready for one and when you do get one you mess the shit up because you have NO IDEA what you want. i could rant all day about this..but i think you pretty much know where i'm going with this one...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

#twitterkills thursday #25 well um. i know a few of yall didn't know where i was coming from with the last #twitterkills thursday. but this one, anyone who has ever had a twitter account will understand me and feel my angry want to #twitterkill you till worms inhabit your body..

this week's @twitterkills thursday topic is: the extreme abuse of the RT button.

the point of "RT" is to quote someone who said something witty, inspirational, answered a question you asked, or said something you'd like to share with your timeline. it is NOT to be used as a tool to remind someone of what they JUST said to you. just about every twitter app & the web offers a "in reply to..." link. they do not need you to reiterate that shit for a whole conversation. STOP. RT'in. BULLSHIT. this also goes out to everyone who LOVES putting someone's name at the END of their tweet. either you're talking to them or you're not. make up your mind. if that tweet was for @gogetitgirl293, start off with that shit. because i don't know what either of you are talking about. i can't nor will i follow the conversation. so why do i want to see that shit? like for real....only time i @reply someone at the end of tweet is when i've @replied someone else at the beginning, i'm talking shit about someone, or i'm shouting someone out. other than that you'll never catch this type of shit on my timeline:

@studiogenius: yea and when you hit fire hydrant i was like omg @gofcukyaself
@studiogenius: then when the water was everywhere lmao @gofcukyaself
@studiogenius: hahahahaha i know @gofcukyaself

that's how stupid that shit looks to everyone else. no one knows what @gofcukyaself is saying. nor does that conversation sound interesting at all. it won't kill you to just @reply them. no, i'm not awarding you points for having friends on twitter. if you think your friend is interesting, go old school and do a #ff. or just say..."yall follow my boy @gofcukyaself". advertising your wack conversation will just lead me to unfollowing you.

and yes yall mofo's still RT'in @revrunwisdom, for whatever reason. i should take my shoes & socks off. attach a freddy kruger glove, 5 sharp knives, or 5 shards of broken glass on my toes and kick you inside your ass. seriously. just foot ass cut the fuck out of you. i told yall to stop that shit before. and i mean it. dude is retarded. don't wanna hear..."sometimes he's inspirational...". go to borders, barnes & nobles, or books-a-million and pick up, "quotes from dummies"...that's where all his material comes from. he just misquotes it to make it look like his sped ass could have actually came up with it. *smh* in disgust with yall.

taking my riffle out...*BAM*...*BAM*... *BAM*... *reloading*... *BAAAAAAAM*. putting the riffle down and grabbing the bazooka for you @revrunwisdom followers & RT'ers. *ppppssshhhhhhBAAAAAMMMPowBOOM*