Tuesday, September 29, 2009

what i'm up to...

so....i've recently joined a football league. seems that no one thought my bowling was sexy. but now that i'm getting the wind knocked out of me...sexy time.

it's funny because it's actually pretty fun. reminds me of when i was younger and we used to play the neighborhood behind ours. we were always the smaller dudes but we'd whoop their ass, then after they'd try to whoop (fight) ours back.

i went out last wednesday and did pretty well for a dude that hasn't been as active as i used to be. scored two touchdowns. knocked a few dudes out. made an interception (that was ruled not one cause they are some punks and don't want to play by rules..except when you're "out" of bounds). pretty excited about my game tomorrow. hopefully i can continue to wreck havoc, although i admit being a short dude playing against dudes who played football in college, is a bit umm...what's the word. not intimidating, but um.. let's just say my ass ain't trying to get hit. i took one hit and thought dude knocked my spine out. thankfully it was just "my wind" & about 10 years off my life.
cougar alert, cougar alert!

so this chick just shows up at the studio the other day on some, "i was just dropping in to say hey & to check out the studio". i'm saying.. when has it been cool you dropping by a spot no one ever invited you to? she asked me what studios i be at. i told her the one i'm at the most. and all of a sudden she's in the neighborhood. come on.......when she left she kinda thanked me like it was on some cool shit. which kinda made me feel a Add Imagelittle less creeped out. on some, "thanks for letting me sit in here for a minute, friend". i think she thinks we really are friends. like not just associates, but like friends. moving a little too fast for me. dunno...still think she trying to ride the ride.

speaking for riding a ride. how about my chick relays to me that i got ashy hands. not like ashy on the outside. but ashy on the inside. she told me holding my hand was like gripping sandpaper. i admit i was rushing...i ain't put no lotion on. but my hands weren't THAT ashy. we always joke cause when i rub my hands together they make a real loud sound. which is funny. but she kinda hurt my feelings. like who wanna be holding someone's hand or touching them and think they're thinking "get your hard hands off me" it's like...i HONESTLY don't think my hands are that dry. like i couldn't feel them being dry, nor were they like white or flaking. i admit i'm not a hands off dude, meaning i do shit with my hands. my hands aren't supposed to be soft, but i guess they aren't supposed to be coarse either. dunno..just makes me a little self conscious now. among other things. but-er-um...i guess i'ma slick my hands up for the next time. and watch then she'll complain their too soft.

Friday, September 25, 2009

welcome to cougar land....

i recently had a "date" with a cougar. no one believes me when i say she's a cougar. they think i'm just making this attraction up. my chick is not threaten what's so ever. which is weird. cause she's gets mad when a fly gives me the side eye.

my parents thinks it's innocent. my boys are like.."whatever..". no one believes me.

but this woman wants me. i can see it in her piercing glances. she even gave me a half cheek, half lip kiss yesterday. i told my chick. again she didn't flinch.

what is going on? am i losing my attraction points? do yall not think it's possible this nearly 50 y/o woman is trying to put the moves on me? is it's because of who it is? do yall not think she is cougarific? she's a semi-celebrity. she honestly doesn't have to call just about every night. or make up reasons for us to "date". cause that's what it was yesterday. a date.

i will keep yall updated on my cougar status. i'ma twitpic when she grabs my package.

ManFive #10

ManFive #10...

this weeks topic: why dudes continue to "jerk-it" even if married or in relationships.

i know this is a subject that seems to confuse or disgust women. it's not really a disgusting thing because it's natural. it's just something that women seem to feel should be satisfied within the girlfriend/wife zone. almost like, ok...since you got me you shouldn't want or need to "pump the barrel". thing is, it's not really about you ladies.

of course we'd prefer to get that inside loving. it feels a hell of lot better. yet, there are times...when we need an immediate release, something suddenly comes up, your on vacation, out with your girls, sleep...etc. even though it's all us, it feels good to get rid of the tension. let me hit you up with 5 reasons why dudes feel the urge to "peel the banana"

#5: maybe you're not giving it to us as much as we want it

sometimes yall think twice a week is good. yall think 4 times a week is good. whatever your max "#" of allowed times is, you think that you are doing the most. you're not. not all dudes are built the same. your last boyfriend might have only had one bullet in the chamber. he might have been content with doing it only on the weekends. might have had a church boyfriend who didn't want to fornicate on sunday. who knows...i'm saying. sometimes when yall don't communicate with dude you don't know if you giving him too much or too little. cause some of yall are some nymphos. if you catch you're dude making excuses why he can't get down tonight and you know it's not cause he's cheating it's probably cause you've worn his joystick out. (high-five) yet, you women who don't wanna love him long time...yanno what the grunting is coming from the bathroom at 2:32am on thursday morning. all your fault...

#4: we're bored...

it's like having a toy w/ you 24/7. yanno how to turn it on. yanno how to operate it. yanno how to have fun with it. so of course when you're just sitting there, with nothing to do... come on. if it was that easy for yall, yall would do it too. stop judging.

#3: we're addicted to it

with that being said it's quite obvious that since we've been doing it for the longest that it's not something we can easily stop. it's a learned {natural} behavior. it's something we've spent hours & hours doing for years. we've mastered it, most times are very good with it. and it's supposed to stop because you don't like it? yea ok...why you think we spend so much time in the garage w/ no tools.

#2: yall suck as porn buddies....

most guys watch porn with their friends, but after a certain point in your life that shit stops. it's cool to be trying to unscramble the squiggly lines together as a teenager. but once you start watching it to "jerk it", it's not a group project. and if it is, your boy ends up being your boyfriend. *shudders* so your only companion becomes your chick. and i'm gonna have to just say this shit right now...yall suck. yall comment on the chicks hair, body, keep talking about there being no plot. keep asking if i think she look good, does this turn me on. it's like...it was turning me on till you started talking. i don't care if she got 16 bullet wounds, stab mark, stretch marks, one toe, she's a midget, she's black, white, alien..etc..if she's naked. let me enjoy this shit. if we watch a porn feat. commentary by you. and i leave the room for 10-15 minutes. guess what i'm going to do?...that's right..."frap...frap...frap" (say the sound in your head).

#1: we do it to keep you happy...

yes it sounds absurd. but i'm saying. do you know how easy it is to "filet a mignon" these days? if every time the feeling hit us we just ran out trying to get the "real thing" instead of settling for the hand. if we demanded you give it to us all the times we wanted it. yes, i said demand dammit. especially if we're married, don't make me take it to Jesus on you. this is to ensure happiness on both ends. if you've been working all day, tired, on your period, just being plain mean, etc...and we don't want to bother you with our daily needs, "frap frap frap". let us have something. don't be mad. be glad we choose you, we choose ourselves, we choose "us". as mad as you'd probably be to walk in on me shaking hands w/ the monster. imagine if you walked in and saw me knocking some chick from behind.

ask yourself which one you'd prefer?....

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

a retarded update on the lack of updates...

yea, i missed ManFive friday last week. sure no one noticed lol..

i will add i was escorted off a delta flight sunday. very embarrassing.

{yea there was a longer entry....it's gone now.}

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

man hair....wax it, shave it, cut it, leave it alone?

real talk, are men suppose to be landscaping their terrain? i mean i'm not a hairy guy at all. i thank & blame my dad for that. two traits i inherited from him, a lack of an ass & the hairless gene. now, not to paint a picture of a bald man. i have tons of hair on my head & most of the puberty areas. tons of hair.

but my chest is bare. my arms & legs aren't very hairy. it still (at 33) takes me a long ass minute to grow facial hair. in fact me and my dad have an ongoing bet. he says he'll grow a beard faster then i can grow a mustache. which i highly seriously doubt. i do have eyebrows thanks my my mom's hairy side of the family. which is one of my better features. but i'm saying....

under my arms. in my pants. lives chewbacca. seriously. i have been told i need to handle that if i expect any "top of the shoulders" treatment. but i'm saying. where do i begin? how could i take scissors, a razor, clippers to my family jewels. don't get me wrong, i've trimmed it up...but i got a feeling the request was not for a trim up. now let me backspace i believe grooming for women is VERY important. but that's because all of your goodies are "inside". so it's like a treasure hunt to find the pot of gold through the forest. for guys...our "junk" (should be) easily seen & found. so unless you're trying to have some nuts in your mouth...what's the big deal?

i understand the cutting fingernail thing. the putting on lotion. combing, brushing, cutting of the hair. brushing teeth. etc. i get that grooming aspect. but my man hair?...really?

what if it takes me a minute to grow it back like everything else. and i mess up. and i'm walking around with patchy man hair. that area is not an area where laughing is appreciated. could you take a man seriously with bald spots on his nuts?

Friday, September 4, 2009

ManFive #9

ManFive Topic of the Week: Why do men get mad, when you approach them with a situation, problem, "feeling"?

i experience this situation just about every day. you ever been involved with someone who literally yall don't know how to talk to one another? it's not on some disrespectful shit all the time. it's just that their way of handling a situation is TOTALLY different then yours. you're a talker, and they are a "hold it in & cool off type person".

personally, i'm a talker. which probably isn't hard to believe. to me talking out a problem is the only way you're going to reach some sort of resolution. ignoring it, or just getting over it will just lead to it coming back or being bottled up into even more anger and resentment. for that reason i like to get things off my chest, let you understand where i'm coming from, make sure you realize where i'm coming from and get the same from you. doesn't seem too bad? yet, when you deal with someone who doesn't want to approach it the same way you start having serious miscommunication problems. like someone sitting there holding the phone for 10 minutes not saying nothing. or not receiving another text message for 2+ hours, then getting one that has NOTHING to do with what yall we're talking about. or having a door slammed in your face, someone walking out the house, and leaving to cool off while you're standing there fuming. i'm saying...why when they get back do they think the situation will be any better? that's the part i don't understand. yes, you should cool off if it's been hours. meaning..i'm not standing there turning into the incredible hulk..while you're gone. but the second you walk back in the door the green will rush back into my veins. am i the only person?

i'm up front with mine. i tell people..i don't need "cool off time" that doesn't help me. it actually pisses me off more. it's just wasting time on an issue that if discussed could be over by now. now it's 3 hours later and you want to talk to me about some bullshit i tried talking to you about 3 hours ago...go lick a battery.

i'm saying. here are 5 reasons a dude might be mad at you about something you wanna discuss:

#5: because of the way you approached them

if you come at a dude about some shit wrong, he gonna come back at you wrong. if you've been on his myspace. or been through his phone. being his stalker twit, questioning him about something you found (snooped) then he's going to come back at you the same way.

you: why did you say this on your myspace?
him: say what?
you: say that you're tired of your chick
him: huh?
you: you said, " i'm so tired of this chick she always on my myspace checking me & shit"
him: um, because that's what you stay doing & i'm tired of it
you: but why you had to say it on myspace
him: why are you EVEN on my myspace?
you: that's not the point.....why you acting like you tired of me?

that seems like some bullshit right? now that shit really happens. yall really do be on some shit like that. if she would have came at him right he wouldn't have even known she was on his myspace. it's about addressing a concern without causing another argument. it started with "why are you tired of me?". and it will eventually turn into, "why are you on my myspace?".

#4: as a defense mechanism

some of you ladies know that as soon as you open up your mouth, dude is going to go into a flying rage. you could have just caught him in the bed with another chick. but this dude is gonna get up naked w/ the condom still on (in some worse situations, w/o one on at all) and tell you that you we're wrong for busting up in the room like that. now we both know this shit is wrong, so we can just move on to #3....

#3: you're talking down to him....like he's a child or a punk

the male ego most times is out of control. yes, we need it stroked a lot. now i'm not saying you have to back down in an argument. you can be a strong woman, and not talk down to someone. when you start acting like he's too stupid to understand some shit. or acting like he's less of a man and you start treating him like a punk. it don't matter what you're saying. he has tuned you the fuck out. wanna see a dude go crazy...call him a bitch in conversation. i swear. i was talking to a chick..and she was like.."you straight acting like a bitch right now"...whoa..say what? composing myself right now..cause even now that shit pisses me off. bottom line, a discussion is something between two people who communicate on the same level. you can't talk down to me and expect for me to respect you in the conversation, because obviously you're not respecting me. if you wanna yell at a kid, go to the playground.

#2: it's a reoccuring problem/situation..

a lot of times guys don't want to discuss the same shit over and over again. it's like i said before usually guys are on that "let's ignore this, so it'll go away shit"( i tried to evolve a bit that's why i like to talk shit out). so when the problem comes back up because it never went away they are sitting there like..."oh here we go again...". which leads to them getting mad and starting an argument all over again. to fix this ladies..yall need to just record the first fight, wait till he's in a good mood, pop in the dvd...walk out the room and say, "after you're done watching this, this is what i want to talk you about..again".

#1: you are actually wrong...

i know this shit seems hard to believe. because women are under the false assumption that you're always right. guess what, that's not always true. *hiding behind pew with bible in hand*. if you come at a dude, and you are wrong..of course he's going to be mad. if you accuse him of something he didn't do. if you overreact because you're on your period and you're just "sensitive". if you found a number in his pocket, called it and his dude girl answered the phone. and yall kept going back and forth with "who is this?"...."um who is this?"....

common theme for all of these reasons: lack of respect. respect me & i'll respect you.