fighting i love you...

it's hard for me to let someone in

i've been hurt before

my heart's damaged

i have trust issues

tons of emotional baggage

i keep coming up with reasons

why you can't have all of me

but i can't shake

that feeling

the one where my stomach's in knots

my legs get weak

i get tongue tied

and i fall

....in love with you

it's right there

on the tip of of my tongue

"i love you"

but i can't say it

i can't

because if i say it i set myself up 

to be hurt again

i let someone in

i let you control my heart

my mind

my soul

excuses

that's what i need

a reason why i can't dive in

a reason why i can't give in

a reason

why i'm not 

falling

but i am

my hearts already there

i can't stop showing you i love you

even though my words haven't caught up

to my actions

tug of war

with my emotions

back and forth

with my heart

i hear the words leave your mouth

and i'm stuck

in a moment of stillness

where it feels like days of silence

the spotlight shines on me

the darkness clears

and i say it...

i love you too

day#3: sweet talk week

at the top of my lungs. . .

i love you. but i dislike talking to you sometimes.

i see forever with you. but sometimes i just need some space.

i understand. but at times i think you're totally insane.

you make me so mad sometimes i just wanna scream at the top of my lungs..

FUCK

not fuck you. not we're fucking finish. just, FUCK! how can someone you love so much, make you so fucking mad. make you wanna punch a wall, a stranger, somebody's ugly little baby. how can i get so upset that it just totally ruins my mood or my day. how can you make me pissed off at EVERYONE else, when really i'm just mad at you. fuck.

can't think. can't focus. i'm walking around like a zombie, replaying our conversation. rehearsing my responses. wondering if i can deal with this. deal with you. fuck.

actually thinking all the other chicks i've dealt with aren't as crazy as i thought they were (but they are) cause you are mayor of crazyland today. and as crazy as i think you are right now...i still can't bring myself to saying, fuck you.

i just wanna scream FUCK...FUCK...FUCK...FUCK at the top of my lungs.

and then be back in love with you an hour later. fuck.

missing you. . .

"i'd wish upon a star
but the stars are too far
all i see is sky
and wonder where you are" -me

i reached out to touch you, but pulled back air. i checked over my shoulder, you're still not there. i feel like the days are too long. the nights are too cold. there's a void in my heart, a void in my soul. where did you go....what did i do....where can i go, to find you?

i miss....you.

love the way i lie...

 

remember when we used to be so close. yanno, that best friend shit. where we could talk for hours. tell each other all our dirty secrets. be honest as hell about how we feel. things we dislike. things we want. things we need. things we are afraid of being judged for. . . then we got together.

and all that shit stopped.

not that we aren't honest. not that we don't talk. not that we don't laugh and tell each other everybody else's secrets. but we got to that point where telling the truth = getting into a fight. not telling the truth about important shit. that we kinda do & deal with the ramifications. but telling the truth about dumb shit. dumb shit that before wouldn't matter. stuff that we would laugh about. stuff that we would be like, "whatever" and not be offended by. now it's like walking on eggshells. if i don't like your hair. you don't like my choice of attire. i think your friends are....

you get my point. i'm starting to think you love the way i lie. 

instead of telling you the truth. you'd prefer me to just say shit to avoid the fights, discussions, issues. 

saying, "i'm fine.." when you know i'm not.

saying, "it doesn't matter" when you know it does

saying, "nevermind" when it's on my mind

why do we do this? why can we be open and honest when there is little "on the line", but when we invest ourselves..we get scared. scared of judgement. scared of expressing ourselves. scared of losing that person because of petty, stupid, dumb opinions. opinions that were once valued. opinions that were once funny. 

when did we get so sensitive?