Friday, June 17, 2011
manfive friday #83 topic of the week: 5 reasons why a man gets stuck.....in a rut.
have you ever been with someone who is just stuck in their ways. stuck in an situation. a job. indecisive about life, goals, you...
#5: he's not sure of himself
he's scared to jump out there. scared to do more than just dream. he knows what he wants. he knows what it takes to get there and do it. he just is scared of failing. a lot of times a guy will stay in a bad job. a bad financial situation. and stunt his own growth because he thinks.."it's out there, just not for him". the risk are too great. the work is too hard. the wait is too long.
it's like looking out of your window, seeing the moon and wanting to touch it. you see it miles away. you know it's there, but you're afraid the moment you reach out for it you'll fall to your death. this kind of guy has no faith in himself. what he needs is someone who will push him. someone who will reassure him, he can do it. you can help him by making him see that the things he wants are possible. don't shoot down his dreams, encourage them. don't laugh or agree that it's impossible (i'm saying unless he's dreaming up some totally ridiculous shit). all he needs is a push. he has all the tools necessary to succeed he just doesn't believe in himself.
#4: he's depressed
sometimes depression sneaks up on the best of them. and sometimes you can be with someone and not even know they are depressed. depression isn't always worn on the outside. and most times, when people are aware they are depressed they actually try to hide it from you. it's hard to help someone who is depressed, because depression is a condition you have to work your way out of it. there is no quick fix. you can't just go get ice cream and it's all better. a man who's down about life whether it's his family life, a relationship, career, etc...is going to gravitate towards things he knows. and things that make him comfortable. hence...putting him in a rut. my only advice in this situation is to be patient, be understanding, and to help them work out their issues. but be careful they don't pass along their depression to you. because depression is very contagious. and two people depressed trying to help one another. is like two fat people at Piccadilly (a buffet)....recipe for disaster.
#3: he's content with the minimum
sometimes you think it's a "rut" when really he's content with his middle ground. some guys just don't care. just don't want more. have settled for what they have and are happy with it. a lot of times you women find yourself trying to "make" him want more. make him want to get a promotion. make more money. declare a major. get married. whatever the agenda is..he's not with it. because he's satisfied where he is. it seems crazy, but it happens. only thing you can do when someone doesn't want more and you do is...to leave.
#2: he's not ready..
you ever been with a guy who as soon as y'all break up "gets his shit together". first he can't decide where he wants to go to college or IF he wants to go to college. then he can't decide what he wants to major in. after graduation he can't decide if he wants to get a job or go back for a "masters". he doesn't know if he wants to marry you. he doesn't know if he wants to move across the country. he doesn't know if he wants to just move back in with his mom and get his job at radio shack back. he has no aspirations as of yet. no plans for a future. so he just stays in his comfort zone. bouncing from one thing to another like a ping pong ball. he's not ready to advance. he's not ready to be a man. his "rut" is lack of maturity & decisiveness. and until he grows up. not too much anyone can do for him.
#1: he's defeated himself..
he's his own worse enemy. it's a little bit of #5-2...he doubts it's possible, became depressed & content, and still doesn't want to accept the responsibility that comes with growth. he's settled for a life he doesn't want, but fears it's the only one that's possible. a lot of times a guy will feel trapped. pressure of succeeding. pressure of impressing. pressure of someone else depending on him. it's hard to move out & up if you keep building a wall you can't break through or climb over. you can help this kind of guy by staying out of his way. because he's a freight train and he's barrelling down a long track with no warning sign. he doesn't want help, nor will he accept it. not saying you can't help him, just saying you can't help him unless you're willing to sacrifice the things you want and need. this the kind of guy you help as a friend. you help him see that he deserves more. and the lies he's feeding himself. all the people who are "out to keep him down" don't exist. he is responsible for his own life & his own success. help him to stop blaming others and himself and he may surprise himself and you.
#10. "i got that."
the check, the bills, the door, the umbrella, your back, your hand..EVERYTHING..
#9. "i appreciate you"
the little things, the big things, you being in my life, you making me feel loved. thank you for all you do & for being you.
#8: "you're beautiful"
i see beauty in every part of you. in everything you do. don't ever doubt yourself, always know that there is someone (me) who thinks you're beautiful. and sees that beauty from the inside to the outside.
#7: "i want to make love"
i want that connection. that closeness. that intimacy that can only be shared when love is present. i want to feel the places my eyes can't see. and reach the places no one has ever reached before. i want to make you feel good & loved.
#6: "i'm sorry"
for things i've done, for things i will do. i hate to upset you. i hate to disappoint you. and more than anything, i hate to hurt you. please accept my apology, forgive me.
#5: "will you marry me?"
i've come to the point in my life where i cannot phantom life without you. you deserve this commitment. you deserve this next step. you deserve the incredible man i plan to be for you. i want to spend the rest of my life loving you.
#4: "i feel so lucky...."
being with you is beyond amazing. you make me feel like i have something special, someone special. all these men out here, and you're with me. i can't believe how blessed i am.
#3: "you're the only woman for me..."
no other woman in my past compares to you. no other woman i could ever meet could take my eyes, heart, or love from you. all i need is you.
#2: "i miss you"
i find myself thinking about you all the time. all types of thoughts, all times of day. your voice, your touch, your eyes..your ooh. i miss you, even when you walk away for a minute.
#1: " i love you"
3 simple words sum up everything that's on my heart and in my soul. i don't take the feelings i have for you for granted. i don't chalk it up to infatuation or lust. they roll off my tongue, with ease. and i want to say it to you until you get tired of hearing them. i pray you'll never grow tired of hearing them..
'"it's driving me out of my mind, that's why it's hard for me to find. can't get it out of my head...miss her, kiss her, love her, wrong move you're dead...
that girl is poison, never trust a big butt and a smile..."
- Poison, Bell Biv Devoe
so what's the attraction to toxic women? why do they have that magnetic pull that obviously you don't. why is it that he's running around like a mad man looking for her in the day with a flashlight..yet ignoring you like you're sitting in the dark in a pitch black room?
manfive friday #82 topic of the week: why do men tend to like women who give them problems or have the tendency to cause the most problems in their life?
whether it's their baby mama. their ex, they seem to not be able to get over. or their current crazy bitch of a girlfriend. you've heard all the crazy stories about how she cut up all his clothes. how she left broken glass under his sheets on top of his mattress. how she had him buy her a car, expensive purses, spend his entire walmart check on shit he couldn't afford. and you're sitting there as the friend, prospective or current girlfriend scratching your head like..."whhhhhhhy?" how could he have ever been attracted to a woman like that. five reasons he liked/likes eating that poison apple...
#5: she's extremely attractive...
sorry, but we all know that a man will put up with a lot of shit for a big booty & a smile. he will play himself out royally to have that dime on his arm, in his bed, on his di...
well you get the picture. sometimes men weigh the pros and cons and sometimes her being attractive outweighs her making his life a living hell. it's like..."yea yea yea..she gets on my nerves but have you seen her?...". it's hard leaving a woman that's fine, simply because you don't know if you can get that back..and usually women who know they're attractive use that shit to pull you back in. like the song says...she's poison, but she's driving him out his mind.
#4: they have a history...
who likes to give up on something they put time and effort into? from the outside, we all say there are things we wouldn't accept. there are things someone could ever do or say. but when it happens. when it happens to us. no matter how much that inner voice is screaming, "GET OUTTA THERE". no matter how many people are saying, "LEAVE THAT ALONE". no matter how much they dare you to leave....you won't, don't, can't....
toxic women you have a history with makes it harder to leave. the guys with the baby mamas that they've been to hell and back with. been living together for years. been married to. broke up with only to get back with hundreds of times. it becomes a revolving door. a door that every time you're almost completely out..it pulls you back in and you're right back where you started. these women know how to pull him back because they know him. they know the things he likes, the things he don't. the buttons to push, and the amount of tears or guilt to drop to get him back into the pits of hell. and they will use it.
#3: she snuck the QUWAZY on him...
sometimes you have no idea what you're getting into. like you thought all the signs that pointed to crazy were illusions. her crazy was cute. it was funny. it was exciting. until you realized she wasn't crazy. she was QUWAZY.
- a word me and my boys made up to describe a situation where "crazy" isn't crazy enough. it's like crazy on heroin.
- out your fucking mind; insane; borderline psychopath
- a chick who will be making a future appearance on "snapped", "america's most wanted", "jail"
needless to say, she's fooled him. she fooled him good. crazy women always peak your interest until you realize that the "crazy" is not an act. that's it's not even crazy, it's QUWAZY. but by then it's too late. it's hard to get rid of a crazy woman. but it's IMPOSSIBLE to get rid of a QUWAZY woman. like she will rather murder you than lose you. it's for real. like she will for real kill you in your sleep if you close your eyes for longer than 10 secs. she will poke those holes in the condoms "so y'all will be tied together forever". she will tell are your family and friends you said you were gonna marry her and start rocking a ring she bought herself, and look at you with a straight face like, "so you saying you ain't gonna marry me?". yes..once you've walked into the QUWAZY den, you're a goner. say goodbye your your friend, brother, boyfriend (if he makes it into a relationship with you alive), ex..etc. he's a dead man. and if you hang too close to him, she'll get a "two for one" special to include you in the death plot. be scurred. be very scurred....
#2: they are the female version of "bad boys"...
why do women like men who aren't good for them? because they offer something...different. maybe it's a challenge. maybe it's a change from what he's used to. maybe it's exciting. maybe it's wrong, sooooo it feels so right.
sometimes the foolish behavior is entertaining. yea she may get in a fight with the waitress at waffle house cause she was told, "we don't have no pancakes, do you mean a waffle?". she may come to your job and curse you out in front of your boss. but she's just "impulsive" not QUWAZY. it's like watching reality tv all day, but it cooks and sleeps with you.
#1: he's missing something...
maybe he has a few screws loose. maybe his common sense is leaking. or maybe, just maybe he really did lose his mind...
a lot of times men date women who aren't good for them because they lack the ability to not be with them. maybe it's a dependency. maybe it's insecurity on his part. maybe he's just blinded by love. either way, it's hard for him to see that his life would be/could be better without her. so he just puts up with the bullshit. he deals with her issues. he deals with the problems she brings to his life. the struggle she places on his shoulders because at the end of the day he feels like this is how a relationship goes.
he's missing something. he's missing the right woman. and he's convinced himself that this impostor is her. and until he finds his way. until he finds that part/piece that's missing. he won't be able to leave her alone or turn her away.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
manfive friday #81 topic of the week: control issues...
how do you tell a grown ass woman what she should or shouldn't be doing, who does he think he is, your dad? sometimes in relationships you run into problems with control. some of you ladies feel like a man is trying to change you. he's trying to hold you back. he's trying to complicate your life. he's trying to CONTROL you, like you're a child. or a puppet. or a concubine. here are 5 different ways for you to view control issues in a relationship.
#5: you're out of control
i mean let's keep it all the way 100%. some of you ladies shouldn't be in relationships. your mind isn't in it. you're all for cuddling. all for having a "boo thang", but have no idea what you should/shouldn't be doing while in a relationship. so you continue living as if your single with a boyfriend. and he keeps trying to curtail your behavior.
some of you are hoodrats. some of you are just young. some of you are too damn old to still be acting like this. but nevertheless, you do. and he's honestly trying to be with you despite that. so when you get that, "you ain't my daddy...". attitude. you're right, he's not your dad. but he has to act in a authoritative role because you're acting like a child. so him barking things to you makes him seem like he just doesn't want you to have fun. when really he just doesn't understand why you have to be in the club and win the "most naked, but got on clothes contest" every night. or
he doesn't get how you can spend all your time with your friends when you got a 2 year old that stays with your mom that you don't take care of. he honestly shouldn't be controlling you because, truthfully he shouldn't even be with you. not saying he has it all together himself, because obviously there had to be a fuckery driven attraction between the two of you. but maybe he's outgrown the foolishness, maybe he's a hypocrite, or maybe he's just a nice guy who got involved with you and is trying to make it work. either way, his "controlling" is a helpful push in the right direction. not a "i want to ruin your life...". push. you're just too out of control to see it that way.
#4: maybe he IS controlling..
okay this is the type of guy who wants to know where you are, what you're doing, and who is there....he needs gps, details, & names. he wants to know what you're wearing, why you're wearing it, and before you answer it, he'll let you know why he doesn't want you wearing it. this isn't a "he's just very opinionated" this is he's just very controlling. maybe it's because he's jealous. maybe he thinks he has to send you out looking a certain way for you to return home to him. maybe he feels inferior, and it's a mind game to break you down. or maybe he's just unstable. either way. this is the worst type of controlling dude. because he's going to use his size, tone, and power over you to control your actions. he'll basically make you scared of him. either scared he'll leave. or scared of the repercussions of disobeying him.
#3: he's been there done that..
this is the older guys. i find myself in this situation when i'm dating a woman more than a couple of years younger than me. i try to prevent her from making what i deem are mistakes. basically i've been in the situation before, see where it's headed, and know how it's going to end. so i'm trying to save you from making the same mistakes.
but i've found out that you ladies actually want to earn your own mistake badges. like no amount of explaining or sharing my experience, is going to detour you from "seeing for yourself". so my advice is seen as control, even though that's not the place it's coming from. but guys in this position are seen as judgmental and father-like, because they are telling you not to do something that you think you are missing out on if you don't. it's almost a lose-lose. because if he tries to warn you, you're pissed. if you don't do it, you're pissed. if you do it and he's right, you're pissed. honestly despite what you think, you're rarely right about your decision. and this isn't my inner "older guy" speaking. it's my "i've been there..and now i know better" speaking. it's advice, not an order. and a lot of times you ladies don't want to take good advice because you deem it controlling and don't see the place it's coming from.
#2: maybe you're the control freak..
sometimes it's you. YOU'RE the control freak. and anything against what you want to do is viewed as controlling. it's hard when you get set in your own ways. and you want things a certain way. sometimes you can't see a compromise as a mutual agreement. you just see it as, agree with what i want or do what i want to agree to disagree. you immediately think you can't agree when things are "not my way" so you immediately bump heads. and bumping heads with someone who is going to stubbornly hold his ground will make you frustrated. it will make you think he's just trying to control you. because you're used to being the only person in charge.
to that ma'am, i say.....remove the stick from your rectal area. at some point, being in a relationship you're going to have to relinquish some of the control. you're going to have to do things his way sometimes too. it can't always be your way. and you have to be mature enough to let him be the man. all you ladies screaming, "i want a man to take charge..." when you won't give him the opportunity to do so. it's not about being forceful. because a man shouldn't have to be forceful to take charge. he doesn't have to "put you in your place". you just have to respect him enough to value his opinions. and to not challenge everything he says.
#1: act accordingly..
i know you're staring at #1's title, and thinking wtf. i'm gonna let you know why this is the #1 reason a guy seems controlling. you ladies know what you want in a man. you have some idea of what you want in a husband. and you want that person to act accordingly.
well.....a lot of times a guy who wants more with you. will try to mold you into the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. not a "change you" situation. and a lot of you ladies who fall into the category of #5, #3, or #2...have to reach a place of growth. you have to grow out of the childish behavior. you have to learn from your mistakes. and you have to stop thinking your way is the only way, in order to give him the relationship he's looking for with you. so when i say "act accordingly" i'm saying..the direction he's leading you in is the one to be with him. it's not control, it's learning respect. he has to respect you, you're feelings, accept your flaws and be willing to deal with them. but you have to do the same, in return.
he tells you:
"you go out too much".
in man talk:
i don't want a woman who's always out in the streets. always hanging out. always looking for things to entertain her. it's cool when you're just dating. it's cool every now and then. but to a man a woman always being out screams.."she's not ready to settle down". or moreso, she's not the type you settle down with. and that's just keeping it 100. this is how men think. not to say, you can't go out with your girls. you can't have fun. you get with a guy and have to become a hermit. just saying at some point you have to grow up. notice all the 40 y/o single ladies in the clubs buying themselves their own drinks. yea..that's what happen when you choose going out over your boyfriend.
he tells you:
"you listen to your friends too much..".
in man talk:
he saying, "stop listening to your friends..and try listening to me." your friends may or may not be a problem to him. either they are influencing you to do things he doesn't like. or you share too much with them and they are a bigger part of your relationship than they should be. doesn't mean he hates them. just means he's saying, "put them in their place". this doesn't mean you have to sever ties with your friends. it doesn't mean he doesn't want you to have friends. or you can't go to them for advice or to just talk things out. it means check the power you give your friendships over your relationship. if you don't consider him a friend, if what he says doesn't matter, if you can't talk to him about things, then why don't you just marry "Tawanda"? a relationship is also a friendship. and a lot of times you ladies separate the two. it's my boyfriend & then it's my friends. a man may have tons of friends. but once he finds the woman he wants to marry..that's his best friend. that's the one he's going to depend on the most. the one he's going to go to the most. the one he's going to share the most with. that's what separates you from all the other women he's ever messed with. so the way you view & handle your friendships says a lot. you think i'm bullshitting, ask any guy who's married.
he tells you:
"you need to get your priorities straight.."
in man talk:
this means, you want things that don't go along with the direction he's headed. doesn't mean that you're wrong, he's right. doesn't mean he's wrong, you're right. just means that if y'all don't meet somewhere in the middle it's pointless to continue being together. he may want a family, kids, you to move and be with him. and you may want to work, wait a few years for kids, and build a life separate before you're ready to move. it's not controlling to want you to move in his direction. just like you're not being controlling, for wanting to stay in the direction you're going. but it's viewed that way when someone is making you feel like this is what they want. and this is the way you should be acting.
all these examples prove one thing. control in a relationship if not of ill intent (#4) is basic misunderstanding. it's two people coming together with two different views trying to have one similar view. it's not a "i think i'm your daddy" situation. it's a "i want to be with you and these are the things that bother me". you shouldn't do 100% of what i want, but you also can't do 100% of what you want and be in a relationship. at some point there has to be compromise. and compromise in a weakened relationship is considered control. whoever is compromising the most feels like they are being controlled. that's why it should always be equal.