so my mini vacation..was full of ups & downs.
(summary version)
the ups:
- spending time with my family
- taking my son to the beach for the first time
- visiting relatives
- deltas turning the wedding reception into "stomp the yard 3"
- my son being so happy about the trip that he was sad when we made it back home
the downs:
- my dad having me up till midnight only to tell me he'll be so late that we'll just leave the next morning at 6am
- me being the chauffeur
- not being prepared (my son's "outfit" was not together)
- my son wanting to win the "baddest child in the store" award
- it raining on the way to an "outside" wedding
- my son trying his best to get a vacation whooping
- my aunt deciding to come up to the wedding with no ride back home and wanted to intrude on her family fun and be our plus 1
(full of fuckery version)
so the trip was cool. it started off with me planning on driving at 9pm to me waiting up till after midnight only to find out that the "departure" time was going to be changed till 5:30 due to him being sleepy. yet, i was the only one slated to drive. so we get on the road. and everything is cool. we get there and get ready to go to the beach. only to find out that where we were staying..which was supposed to be by the beach...was 45 minutes away from an alabama beach. and 30 minutes away from an florida beach. so we traveled from ga to alabama then to florida to go to the beach. (*sidenote the wedding was in another city so why my dad thought it was a good idea to stay there - no idea - ).
so we get to pensacola. this is the first time he's been to the beach with me. he's gone previous with his mom's side of the family. but i don't think he really was old enough to take it in. so this really was his first trip to the beach. so we get there. and he's loving walking in the sand. in his socks & shoes. as soon as i look down and see he has them on i start to take them off..that's when "freaked out" hour begins. conversation goes like this:
me: we gotta take your shoes off...
mr. amazing: nOoOOoo
me: yes, you're gonna have sand all in your shoes
mr. amazing: nO, i don't wanna take my shoes off
me: you have to take your shoes off
mr. amazing: nO, I'm not gonna do it
me: yes, you are gonna do it..give me your shoes
he starts to cry. i take them off. he's standing there mad. so i pick him up and start walking towards the water.
mr. amazing: nO, what are you doing?
me: we're going in the water
mr. amazing: i don't wanna go in no water
me: it's fun, you'll see
mr. amazing: nO, it's not fun. i no wanna go in the water
me: we're going in the water
he starts to cry louder. it starts raining. oh wait..no it's just his tears and snot hitting my head. so i try to put his feet in the water to show him, "it's just water". he again is not feeling that. he's screaming like i am trying to murder him by drowning. so i back up and put him down on the sand. and he stays frozen, wanting me to come back, pick him up and walk him back to the car. so i take pictures of him looking all mad and sad. and we walk back to the car...my parents & i thinking we've made a big mistake bringing him to beach and how we're gonna have to leave before we really even spent any time there. so we get back in the car. and he's like, "hey..where's my bucket?" referring to this bucket i bought him to play at the beach. so i tell him it's behind his seat, did he want to go play in the sand? he says yes. i ask, do you want to get in the water. he screams, nO. we drive down to the area with the tables which cost $8 damn dollars to park at. lady tells us, it allows us to come back in that area for a few days. and gives us a "beware of tarballs" from the oil in the gulf paper. we get out & walk towards the water. he has his bucket, it's looking like i can trick him. so i wait till we get close enough and tell him to fill it up with sand. once he does. i tell him to dump it out. and of course it just pours out. i then get the bucket walk over to the water and scoop sand and water up then dump it out to form a cone...
he's impressed. so then i tell him to do it. and it takes a minute but he starts going closer and closer..until finally he gets into the water. and he enjoys it. and won't let us leave. ironically enough this is the time we discover our first tar ball...so at this point we're thinking maybe his ass shouldn't be in the water..lol. we stay out there a few more hours and he is no officially covered in sand from head to toe. so i go over to wash off..try to get him to come wash off. he doesn't want to. so his sandy ass...gets in my car and drops about a pound of sand in his booster seat & all over the back of my car. pretty much it for the night cept we go to a mexican restaurant and they serve us drinks with no alcohol in them...yes. screw face. they couldn't make anything but margaritas. although they handed me their "drink" list. and had on their menu..."ask for our drink menu". they couldn't make the other 70 drink choices...just lime, strawberry, or mango margaritas. and they had NO alcohol in them. i keep stressing that because we are not romper room kids. we ordered the drinks for the alcohol.
we go back to the hotel, sober & tired. we go to sleep. around 1-2 am...i feel something in my face. it's my son he has gotten in the bed with me. so i'm thinking...uh ok. so lay there until he takes over the bed (like usual). and i get up and get into his bed. 30 minutes later i feel him in my face again. so i figure he must be scared since we aren't at home. so i deal with dude taking 95% of the bed away from me. we get up. get breakfast. go visit some relatives that live in the area. then i say i need to go get him something to wear because his pants we're too small, and he took his vest out of the bag. so i go into kohls. he walks in...goes straight to the toys. nightmare begins. i find some pants, but he's so skinny (cause all he eats is pedisure...) that i have to make sure his pants fit. so i find a shirt too. try to take him to the dressing room. we get in there, things are going fine. he puts on the clothes. it looks nice. it fits. great. he then starts to try to rip the shirt open superman style and tell me "he not trying on no clothes". i tell him...we're about to take them off..and he's saying, "i want pooh & piglet" (winnie the pooh & piglet). so i tell him i'll get him one of those.
mr. amazing: nO, i want a pooh & piglet.
me: well you can only get one
mr. amazing: only get one? aww man
i start to take off his pants and notice the button on them is broken. i go to find another pair..of course they don't have them in his size. i find some more khaki pants, in his size, different brand. and head back to the dressing room to make sure those fit. here comes drama. this dude lays in the middle of the floor. starts spitting, kicking, spinning around...saying, "no daddy...i don't wanna try on no clothes". so i'm like, "listen we're just gonna try this pants on real quick then we'll get piglet. he informs me he don't want piglet cause he doesn't intend on trying shit on. he didn't say that..but his look and his actions screamed that. so i grab him to take him in the dressing room. and he stretches his body out to block me from entering in the doorway. everyone is looking at me like, "ha ha my child is acting better than yours". which at this point, damien, the exorcist chick, and the little girl from orphan would have been acting better than my son. i felt like grabbing some bottled water, praying over it, and throwing it on his ass. i decide to just get him, the clothes, and get out of there. we walk towards the register..and you know he had the nerve to say.."hey, what about my toy...". i looked at him. he looked at me. then he goes runs back to the toy section. right now i am so pissed off. it's like i felt like calling his mom and saying, "come spank his ass". since i really don't spank him. i kept telling myself, i can't let my first spanking to be over some clothes. i just kept repeating that shit to myself. he doesn't want pooh he only wants piglet. and of course there are no piglets left. so he grabs some sesame street plastic figures for $15...i put that shit back down and tell him to choose again. he keeps walking up to the craziest shit talking about, "this one?"..."this one?"..."this one?". he picks up a puzzle set. so i'm like...find something else. he finally decides on a car/bob the builder toy. so we walk to the front. get that.
get back to the hotel. i try to make him try on the pants since the wedding is in a few hours. he is screaming, running around, and trying to rip off the clothes again. i put them on him anyway and the pants are too big. so big i could fit another him in front of him in them. this mixed with the fact that he was acting like a monster. was not helping me. so i took off the clothes. he grabbed his shorts and i ushered him to my parent's room and told her i had to go back to the store..but couldn't take him with me. he ask me for his toy. and i just let the door close behind me. in his face. dude....
i get back there and see they have pants similar to the first pair i tried on him but in black. i get those. i see they have them in regular & slim. so i get both and a belt. i'm wasn't coming back to that store...i get back to the room, dreading the worse. get him from my parents room. and he's like, "hey daddy...where have you been? do you have my pants?". i'm looking around like what the hell have you done to this child? cause that's not the same one i dropped off earlier. he tries on the pants. the slim, fit. it's awful you gotta buy 3 pair of pants to figure out your child is a damn "slim". that notation has definitely been made tho. his ass actually says, "i look nice...thank you daddy". yes, i become a sucker and gave him his damn toy. we get dressed...and head to the wedding.
which was cool. cept on the way my mom tells me it's gonna be outside. why she thought that was "last minute" info, i don't know. i don't know about yall...but as a man dressing up for the outside is different then dressing up for the inside. suit jackets...are still jackets. and it's HOT as hell outside. also the fact that 10 minutes into the drive it starts pouring down rain. so we get there..no one is outside, which is a good sign. we get in there and we're late. and there are no seats. after waiting a few minutes. and giving up the seats that became available to the women walking in behind us. we finally sat down and the wedding was cool..the preacher was not. and the craziest shit. the preacher was my mom's ex boyfriend. yes. random. even more random. my mom's ex-boyfriend who grew up in the boonies with my dad. how it was even possible for both of them know dude...no idea. but i was convinced it was one of those things that you don't try to understand. he sucked as a preacher. no, not just because he used to date my mom and was not m dad. but he kept forgetting the brides name like 4 times. the oddest part about that, he knows her. she works for him. so it's like dude..wtf is wrong with you? my dad said...it was my mom being there that was making him nervous. he was trying to "impress her". that wasn't true, i hope....but it was funny.
get past the wedding. to the reception. and bride & her delta soror sisters take over. maybe because i was older when i got married. i wasn't fresh out of college. i wasn't still hanging out with my frat brothers like that. maybe i just didn't get why you had to have your whole line as your bridesmaid. they had 20 bridesmaids & groomsmen. do you know how many dudes i'd have to call up for favors to get them to be in my wedding? i'm surprised i wasn't asked to be in it, my dad wasn't asked, my son...shit. how do you get all those guys to buy tuxes, and agree to be in your wedding?..seriously? i know it's easy to get chicks. but dudes? come on....it's not like he pledged so it wasn't a frat/soror thing. it was a him/ marrying a delta. thing. and after they serenaded her...we watched him break out into a delta "back that ass up" rendition. they honestly backed that ass up led by the bride in her wedding dress. circled the room throwing bows, "oo ooping", dropping it. i mean every dude in the room had his phone, camera out like it was freaknik.
yall think i'm joking. yall want me to post the video?..lol. anyway it was good to see all those educated black women in one room. i swear it was at least 80, black women...single. between the age of 23-27. if we weren't out of town i would have had all my dudes there because that was unbelievable. ratio women to men..10:1. no subtract out all the old men. all the little boys. the ratio was 25:1. that is right. there were 25 chicks to each guy there. wedding crashing will become an epidemic if dudes honestly understood that.
at the wedding my aunt informs us she rode up to the wedding with no way back home and wanted to ride back to us. we leave the wedding. get back to the hotel where i am forced to have another night of sharing the bed with the bed hog. then we get up and he starts tripping again. he don't wanna get dressed. he don't wanna put on his socks. i just pack his shit up. my dad knocks on the door and informs me the elevator is broken. he has his bag. i have my bag with mine & my son's stuff. and then there was my mom's 5 bags. who took down 6 bags...me or my dad? real quick...guess. we go to pick up my aunt. she was staying at least 30 minutes the other way. to wrap up an already long story. we get to my parents house. and my son starts crying. he doesn't want the trip to be over. he wants to go back to the beach. it made me feel good he had a great time & he didn't want it to end. but the fact that now his ass is refusing to get out the car....was testing my religion.
