Friday, October 30, 2009

ManFive #15

friday already? shit. i've been posting all week. just trying to leave yall with something before i sail away next week. so i will either hit yall up with ManFive early or write it and delay posting till some random time on friday.

this week's manfive topic: why do men fear labels?

yanno when everything seems like it's going good. yall are both in sync. headed in the same direction, and you whip out, "this is my boyfriend on him..." and you hear the tire screech sound. you smile turn your head towards him, and he's no longer standing next to you. you thought you were holding onto his arm, but when you look it's a cherry coke. dude is like half way across town already. what is that?

personally, i'm pro labels. i hate when there isn't a label on what i'm in. i don't have to be your boyfriend, but if we're talking..i need to be at least, "the guy i'm talking to.." shit the way i feel about ladies these days i should be doing why chicks fear labels. but i'm clueless on that one because that's just weird. yes, you women who fear labels are weird. i'm gonna take your "lady" badge and give it to one of these dudes who've been dying to have one. lol.

anyway, onto five reasons why men fear labels:

#5: he's doesn't agree with the label you've given him...

this guy, knows he's in the "friend zone" but he wants to be your boyfriend. and he knows the second you say, "you're such a great friend" he now has the label "friend" and not "boyfriend". it's awkward at times to wait for an official label. because no matter the label you give yourself once a woman designates that shit and gives you one you're sitting there like....DAMN. you could think yall fuck buddies. then she turn around and hit you with, this is my "boyfriend". huh? he knows no matter what he considers himself once you've designated him a label he can't get back to the one he picked himself. so he'd rather be left unlabeled then be given one.

#4: he's scared of change...

this is the dude i mentioned before. where everything is going good. yall have been moving in the same direction. his friends like you, his mama likes you. he enjoys being with you, near you, talking to you...but he knows as soon as yall put a label on it yall transform into a "marry-me" bot. it's the reason the transformers are always leaving Cybertron to come to earth. they don't really wanna save us, they just got to get away from those darn "marry-me" bots. you see to a man even though it's a natural progression to that stage you putting a label on something that's going so good scares him. it's like....we're fine the way we are. it then becomes a, "let's not rush" thing. it's a critical move that once made, you can't go back on.

#3: he's scared of being locked-up (missing out)...

to a lot of guys the feeling of being your boyfriend, feels great. he actually wants to be your boyfriend. he likes your company. he enjoys everything about you. it's just a cruel trick God plays on you. because as you know as soon as you get a girlfriend or married that's when everyone come out the wood works wanting you. that's when that sexy chick at work comes over and gives you that smirk, bends over picks up some paper with no panties on. that's when women at the grocery store run down the aisle asking you to squeeze their melons, taste their peaches, & they start to get a little suggestive with your banana. that's when you're walking down the street and a woman just randomly grabs you and starts giving it to you at the pedestrian crossing. it's an ego thing. it's the thought that because he has a title, he is missing out on all the sexy young ladies who probably wouldn't talk, fuck with, or even give him the time of day. but don't tell him that, cause that work, grocery store, crosswalk thing is SO gonna happen.

#2: he's scared of the expectation that comes with it...

it's no secret responsibility scares men. shit responsibility scares everyone: men, women, children, horses, etc.. the only people who love responsibility are filthy nasty dogs. yes i hate dogs. but i digress..

the expectation a lot of times is what scares a man from wanting to commit to being your man. this is for the more serious labels, like husband, father, provider, etc. some men want to revert back to boys in these situation. they aren't ready. it's just too much pressure. in most cases it's not you, it's them. and i know when they say that shit to you, you're side eyeing them like crazy. but i'm saying. it really is them. just like a little boy who puts on his dads clothes. he wants to look, talk, and walk like him, but he isn't ready to step into and fill man shoes. it's not as easy as it seems.

#1: he's scared of failure..

men like to win. that's why we are so competitive. and when you really love your woman. you don't want to let her down. the fears that come with commitment. with opening yourself up. with letting all the fake shit go, and being real with someone. it's scary. women are built emotion tough. we aren't. we hide our emotion all the time. the fear of losing. especially of losing you is crazy. the fear of not being good enough. the fear of not knowing how. this creates enough pressure to through a dude into a panic attack. he could be carrying around issues from previous relationships. he could be carrying around not having a father and not thinking he can be a good father or husband because of that. there are a lot of things associated with labels. a lot of times you think it's simple. a title is just a title. it's just a piece of paper. it's just a baby. but in reality it's life. it's a part of uncharted life that you have to be ready to make that leap. it may take some coaxing, but the right woman will make it an easy transition.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

cougar update

yea, she's back. speak of the devil and she'll pop from behind you.

i'm laying in bed last night and i heard a beep. and i'm like wtf is that? cause i had just had one of those "can't move dreams" the night before. so i'm looking around. and i hear another beep.

as mentioned before i have a "beeping" problem when i'm sleep. if i hear any kind of beeps or alarms i jump up to attention like it's a fire drill. so it had me a bit confused. i was probably 2 secs away from hopping out the bed, grabbing my son out his room, and standing on the front lawn in my drawz. that's when i realized it was my phone. which i keep on a charger away from my bed when i'm not expecting no one else to call me for the night.

i look at the phone, who is it? my cougar. inviting me to this event she's at. 3:34am. really? i mean i know i work crazy hours. but when is it cool to text someone that early in the morning if yall aren't fucking, best friends, or family? seriously...

hmmm......she gets 67 cougar points deducted. sorry.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

E is for effort..

you ever heard the expression, "E is for Effort"? that's some ol' sesame street shit. E is the grade chicks give you when you express effort. that's right forget A-F...they skip right to "E" on your ass.

listen to me. i've learned when a guy doesn't care, anything he does is fantastic. when a guy does care, it takes more to impress.

peep game: if i take a chick to a nice restaurant on the first date. she ain't gonna appreciate no other place i take her to unless it's better. BUT, if i take her ass to the Sizzler then flip it one day and take her out to a spot where i gotta wear a jacket and take off my damn hat she'll be impressed.

chicks only care when you don't care, then act like you care. you have to be a slacker to get ahead.

peep game: how a chick gonna think a dude with hand tattoos, a rapper name & no job got swag? but a dude taking care of his, able to take care of yours & pulled you when he ain't even your type is void of swag.

real recognize real, and i'm only seeing myself right now, what's really good with that?

and while i'm at it. why chicks ONLY recognize sweet or romantic shit on tv?

peep game: i'm watching a show with a chick, she's going on and on about the flowers. and the music. and the candles. and how nice it is. all the stuff the dude is doing on tv is so super romantic and super great. but shit..when i do that shit in real life you don't say shit. you don't even notice half the shit i've done. i'm saying what dude got a fondue pot randomly sitting on his counter? how you gonna tell me, "i thought it was a crock pot"...really? the shit say fondue on it and it was surrounded by flowers. shit, i go do "geigh" shit for you and don't even get no credit.

*reaches in pocket*: here's a quarter, a nickel, a dime, & a penny: i found you some common cents (sense)...

Monday, October 26, 2009

when it's time to date a cougar..

no, this isn't my "i'm dating my cougar now" update. chill out. she's still at bay. i haven't heard from her since that BET event. well she text me but no more "lets go on date" type shit. that will be sidelined by my chick who now is not feeling the whole, "she just wants to be your friend" shit. i mention my cougar and i see her ready to pounce back. ooh sexy, sexy!

this is for my dude 100K, his comment sparked the idea for this post. when is it the right time to date a cougar? the answer: when you're ready for the ride.

now i don't claim to be a dating guru. i actually started quite late seeing that i dated my first girlfriend from middle school to college. yea, i really thought she was gonna be the one. when that didn't work out i had to go through the, "my life will never be the same, i'll never get married" shit. so i was kinda wild after that. dating, talking to chicks, of the the first chick i kinda slowed down with was this older chick (actually the first one was a REAL UGLY chick, i just erase her from my dating memory). she was a chick i met at a step show, she was a delta (i'm an alpha btw, as if there was anything ELSE). and we kinda kept in touch. a few years later she hits me up with her new number. and we kinda talk and all that good stuff. i was in engineering she was in engineering. we had shit in common. i was 23 she was 27. now we started talking back & forth, things was cool. she attracted me with the, "i got shit together" thing. now realize i was a career college took me a minute to get out of college. so i was still in college. she was off in Texas, working on tanker, making $80k, had her own house, car, pretty, educated, etc.. now i wasn't a golddigger. but come on, that is the type of woman you trying to catch.

so i slowed down for her. we started talking. then one day she calls me she's got hurt at work. so of course i'm asking if she's ok, etc. a few weeks later they lay her off. she has to move back with her mom. now this didn't change how i felt about her. but as soon as she lost her shit she started looking at me to provide for her. what part of "i'm in college" don't you understand? don't call me long distance, talk for a few hours then want me to pay the phone bill cause you were talking to me. don't hit me up to borrow $300 to pay your bills, when i'm sitting around splitting a $9 pizza with 3 guys. yes, i worked for UPS and yes, they say you can make that shit a career. but paying all your bills, paying tuition, incidentals, are broke as a joke. i found out right there what dating an older woman required.


and i know i give you young chicks a hard time. i know since i've declared i wouldn't go under 25 or date a chick in school yall have been counting down to your 25th bday & graduation day. but i'm saying. it was back to chicks my age or younger after that. the difference is goals. young chicks & older chicks have the same goals. that's why it's confusing. most women want stability & family. younger chicks, want it..but they will wait. older chicks can't afford to wait. so what do you do?

thing is you date a woman on the same level as you. if you're 21, and your shit isn't together. don't date no older woman. older women are NOT going to cater to you "youngness" for long. it's a trick. they reel you in, because everything is there. you're not dealing with a chick w/ fake problems (check my young chick post), most times they won't even reveal their problems to you. because older women have practiced in the art of mystery. young chicks put all their cards on the table. you figure them out too easy. that's when the appeal for something more difficult enters. you go after the sexy older woman who's showing you attention. and after she's got you she pushes you into a state of "balding". your hair just starts falling out with all of her issues. because her issues be FOR REAL. you be sitting there watching the game. instead of a chick coming to you with "baby, my car won't start...". you go out look at it, it's cause she left her lights on. quick fix, right? if an older woman comes to you, "baby my car won't start" her ass need a new engine. it's NOT the same problem.

the thing is, you gotta able to be the man in the situation. so to be with a older chick, you have to be able to handle her problems. there is nothing wrong with "real" problems. it's about your maturity. her real problems just seem bigger than life because in your life it's not a problem you're used to. once you reach a state where you see eye to eye with that, you're ready. so..if you got your shit together, date an older woman. she will take care of you as long as you can take care of her.

sidenote: after 40...all cougars want is sex and companionship anyway. so if you find a halle berry you don't have to do SHIT but give her some vitamin D & a sweaty cuddle.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

things you think, but must not say to your girl...

so i'm sitting here restless. and usually when i'm restless w/o interruption all kinda thoughts run rampant in my head. one particular thought keeps nagging me.

so therefore i decided i'd hit yall up with ignorant random ass man thoughts that SHOULDN'T be said out-loud.
(disclaimer: these are NOT my current thoughts, well at least not all of them)

"i'd love to get you pregnant tonight"...

"not trying to be funny, but your mom could get it"

"we don't have to have sex tonight, i jacked off twice already today"

"no, i don't think your homegirl is cute..i think she's fine a fuck.."

"yea, i knew it was your sister...yall got the same ass"

"no i don't think your breast could be bigger, just don't think they could be any smaller".

"damn, why didn't i meet your sister first...are yall close?"

"i drove all the way over here to cuddle?"..

"you're right, if you weren't on your period..i would have invited you over".

"i look at playboy for the pictures NOT the articles"

"yes, i do think this chick on tv looks good & i'd like to fuck her 383 different ways, happy now?"

"yes, i was moaning in my sleep cause i was having a sex dream. no, it wasn't with you"

"i hate your family reunions, shit while i'm being honest i hate your family too"

"yes i hear you talking to me, but i thought if i sat very still and avoided eye contact you'd realize that i don't care"

"no i wouldn't rather watch football, but i realize you're only naked because you don't want me to watch it, so i'm teaching you a lesson"

"when i told you i was cold...i was actually asking for head, not a hug"

"what you got on? really means: text me a naked picture"

"do i want a threesome? naw yall can take turns"

"what's on my mind right now?..pssh yanno what's on my mind right now"

"no, i wasn't just checking that chick out...i saw her like 20 minutes ago"

"i wasn't really stuck in traffic i just took the long way home hoping you'd be sleep when i got in"

"hope you think maury is funny next week, when my episode airs...."

and the list goes on. . . .

Friday, October 23, 2009

ManFive #14

ManFive Topic this week: Why does it seem like your man wants to hang out with everyone else, but you/without you?

i know women get upset when dudes have other plans. you get upset when dudes want some alone time. hell, you get upset over everything. but what happens when your guy wants to hang with everyone except you. what's that about?

now we have to exclude you overly insecure women who just panic for no reason. this is for all you ladies who just really can't figure out why he doesn't want to hang with you all the time. 5 reasons a guy might not want to be your BFF:

reason #5: he has more fun with other people...

not trying to call you boring, well maybe i am. yall could even have tons of fun at home and all. but if you're a then maybe he just doesn't want to bring you around for the fun. nothing worse then being all amped up and having someone take your mood to zero. someone who wants to leave as soon as you get there. someone who complains about everything & everyone. someone who can't be happy to save a life. like really, they will let millions of people die..instead of just lightening up. let's face it if you're about to kill yourself, (but no really) all the time..who wants to bring that to the party? come on now..

reason #4: you're a bitch, too clingy..etc

again, who wants to bring the bitch to the party? i'm saying maybe he can deal with it at home. maybe it's cute or sexy. but in an atmosphere where everything is gonna be a problem, i'd rather you be at home bitching about me NOT taking you then having your ruin my night. and if you're too clingy like trying to make love in the club. i'm saying... that shit sound good fantasy-wise. but if i gotta shake you off me like loose toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe we "gots" a problem. and combine the a clingy bitch. you're lucky you're even in a relationship. for true.

reason #3: you embarrass him..

yanno that real dumb chick who every time she open her mouth you're standing there like.."oh shit". or a chick that get drunk and starts taking her clothes off in the middle of the room. or a loud talker who doesn't know when to let shit go, and has you outside about to get your ass beat? you leave those chicks at home. it's fine when we're around your friends, but mine....hell naw, "i ain't gonna be able to do it..."

reason #2: he's gay or cheating...

i hate to put that out there. but come on. if you're dude ALWAYS want to hang with his boys over you. there are some limits. you could be boring & a bitch. but if he's with you and chooses to be with his boys or that SPECIAL boy all the time. they maybe him and dwight (yes ol' dude has made that the official gay name of '09) been wrestling naked and don't need you as an audience. if it ain't his dude, maybe he's using that as the excuse to spend time with other ladies, animals, objects..(i heard this chick married the eiffel tower, no lie). either way be very weary... no dude's boys are THAT fun or interesting.

reason #1: his people just don't like you...

this is a hard one. cause if you're ppl don't like the chick you're with. it's hard to bring her to anything. especially if you're very family oriented or you are very close to your friends. this could almost be a deal breaker on both ends. no chick wants to be excluded from that part of your life. but your family also doesn't want to be subjected to that part of your life. so making excuses to protect your feeling sometimes seems justified. a lot of you women don't even know it. there are also outspoken friends who will tell your girl they think she's a bitch. then there are the ones who are cordial yet invite you to shit then say..."DON'T bring your girl...". there are some mother's who are outspoken and will just tell you to your face they don't like you. and there are mother's like mine..who will be so NICE that you think she loves you. but when she gets a moment to talk to me alone she's like.."ummmm.." and really lets me know what she thinks. i say that but my mom is honestly nice as pie even if she hated you you'd never know it. you'd swear on your life i was lying. you'd think she would turn her back on me. little do you know my mom goes into protect mode like crazy when it comes to me. you wanna lose your life..mess with me.

Friday, October 16, 2009

ManFive #13

This week's ManFive topic: why aren't guys gentlemen anymore?

"Jack ain't no gentleman...."

shit who is a gentleman these days? to answer that, i am. but i know, i know...some of you ladies don't even know what that is. it's okay. it's that guy who used to open your door. the guy who used to greet you at your door with flowers. the guy who checked to make sure you weren't cold, ready to go, etc..

what happen to that dude? he got fucking fed up. here's why...5 reasons guys aren't gentlemen anymore.

#5: women don't like good/nice guys...

yes of course, you always default to saying you want a nice guy. a guy who loves his mama. a guy who goes to church. has values. a guy with a good job who can take care of himself. but when it comes to actually getting with a dude, who you choose? thugs, convicts, & habitual baby daddies. i'm just saying. you can't expect a dude to be a gentleman if you're picking the rotten ones. go w/ the ugly dude who'll treat you right, you'll get used to his grotesque face & body....eventually.

#4: women don't appreciate shit these days....

yes, you've heard me complaining about this shit recently. it's true. yall chicks don't appreciate shit. not that you aren't grateful. yall just don't get swept off your feet like your mama's did. a dude has to pay for your weave, your rent, your kids daycare, & your girls annual vacay in jamaica in order to win your hearts these days. flowers no longer have the same appeal. the last few chicks i've talked to have all been.."i don't really like flowers...well i do like "specific type", but i hate roses". whhhaaA? you hate roses? what kinda woman are you? that is the universal flower of love. that's like me getting you a rubber band for an engagement ring and saying, "you hate rings too, huh?...". yea ok.

#3: it's just too much work...

again, back to the appreciation thing. because women aren't easily impressed you have to do SO MUCH to try to get her attention. you have to jump through hoops to make her feel special. even at the end of the day, she's sitting there like..."that was nice but.....". but?.... how would you like it on valentine's day after you've spent all day getting yourself all sexy: hair, nails, eyebrows, shaving, etc.. you got a nice meal prepared for me. you got oils and shit ready for me. you're all excited about what you about to put on me. and i look at your ass like, "where's my gift?". YALL DO THAT. a guy can spend hours upon hours trying to be romantic. because thinking of shit and getting shit together is not usually our forte. and all that shit is cool..but if we ain't get you that diamond bracelet. we didn't catch the hint about that perfume you kept trying to get us to buy you a week before. if that gift you've been waiting for all day isn't on the table, in our pocket, hiding somewhere in the house. it's like..."fuck everything you just did dude....i'm not even gonna give you none tonight (even though that's the only gift i've prepared for you)". trifling women. *smh*.

#2: women don't know what a gentleman is...

it's almost your own faults. or maybe it's just the dudes of losers past that have never introduced you to what it's like to be with a real man. because i've ran into so many women who don't expect shit. i have to tell my chick to stay in the car so i can open her door. i have to almost fight her for her bag at the airport, because she think for some odd reason she should be carrying it when i'm around. the little things i do, she always thinks it's to get in her panties. like if i rub her feet. she thinks it's "that before love" treatment. i can't just want to make you feel good? it can't make me happy to make you happy? don't tell me, "i'm not used to guys..." doing shit because the sad thing is you should be. you gotta step your expectations up ladies. guys who are better than what they give you, will go lax if you don't expect shit. seriously. you could be with a dude right now that was super romantic till he got with you. simply because you don't care, don't expect, or don't make him step his game up. no lie me & my boys sit around and talk about all the shit we do for chicks. and it comes up all the time, "man she don't even like that kinda shit....". that's a "your bad" situation, not a "our bad" situation. get your shit together, read a romance novel or some shit. if your dude can tell you he fantasize about doing you w/ another chick. you can tell his ass you fantasize about him cleaning up the house and cooking you a meal. seriously. guys are into doing shit that would make you happy more then you actually know.

#1: men are not taught how to be gentleman...

not gonna go into all of this.."you didn't have a daddy..." shit. because i believe more so then anything women can correctly teach a boy how to treat a woman too. but when you got dudes coming through treating you like shit, your son think that's how you do it. i'm saying who think their chick is better than their mother? but on the real. #2..points out that there are so many chicks who don't know what a gentleman is. so they can't teach shit to their children their damn selves. i think it comes down to morals & values. something that is lacking in society these days. men aren't taught that women are precious & should be treated accordingly. most views you see of women are them taking care of the family. holding down the fort. you see them independent and almost harden. the idea of taking care of women has kinda fallen to the waist side. that is part of the reason why women don't know how men are suppose to treat them as well. not saying you should be pushed back into the kitchen or treated like children. just saying the security women seek from men isn't the same thing. women think it's in their height or statue. women think it's in their pockets (financial). it's just the general idea that a man is suppose to protect his woman, period. from everything.

just like you'd open the door for you children. just like you'd pay for your children. just like you'd go get the car in the rain so your kids won't get wet. just like you'd tell your kids to run while you distracted a pit bull, robber, or jehovah's witnesses. you're suppose to have that "protect" gene for your woman. you're suppose to take care of her the same way you're suppose to take care of them. problem is, too many dudes think women can do bad all by themselves...thus women think the same thing.

retarded thinking....

*drops mic*

Saturday, October 10, 2009

okay i admit it....i'm having a "meriod" moment.

before i start i have to give credit where it's due. i have to credit, ms. lovely... i'm using your coined term "meriod". it's when men act like they're on their periods and get all sensitive and shit. check out her ridiculously concocted theory here.

but back to my "meriod" moment. i dunno why, but i get upset when my chick gets excited about everything except me. i mean am i being too sensitive? really?

i mean i understand how chicks don't want to let you know all the time when they are excited. but when they let you know they're excited about everything except for shit that has to do with you. like "wow...i can't wait to hang out with my girls this weekend". it's like, why you ain't say that about me last weekend? or when you go out your way to do something and you're excited and then all you get a thank you & no more mention. it's not even on some ungrateful shit. it's just on some..."i just don't get excited over shit you do". and it's weird cause it's not just her. my last chick was like that too. which leads me to believe it's *gasp* me.

have i gotten to the point where i need to be appreciated like a chick? or is it i just haven't had that kind of appreciation in so long i want someone to give me some. i choose to believe the latter. maybe it's because i've been with chicks who really showed me they liked the things i did for them. not on some, "you're the greatest guy in the world" shit. but a generally sincere grateful, "i liked/loved it". i found that chicks would rather brag to their friends about shit their dude did for them then to just be like, "wow, i can't believe you did that...that was great". that's all i need. just a "that was great". or a "wow". it's the same way i feel about my son for christmas. it's like...him going down and seeing all the presents, hollering and passing out in excitement was the reaction i was going for. now if he would have just went looked at, opened, and said thank would have been fine. but him passing out made me staying up all night fixing toys and wrapping gifts worth it.

so i'm saying. me staying up all night getting shit together. me spending time trying to make something special. the thought behind flowers, not just random one's but your favorite. gifts that aren't over the top but personal, just because. it's called effort ladies. if you don't appreciate the effort. i'ma stop putting it forth. start being like other dudes who only do special shit on your birthday (if that)..

meriod moment, over.

ManFive #12

ManFive #12, yea it's not friday. i'm so serious yesterday was one of my longest days in a while. so to make up i'm going to do #12 & #12.5 (male & female versions of the question, feel free to skip/skim).

the topic of the week is, "how do you know your man is cheating & vice versa" (courtesy of Mel). i am the all time catcher of cheating women. fellas, i can tell you 100% how to catch a chick cheating on you. if you want some one on one on how to catch your chick get at me. i can catch a hoe by her toe. for serious.

now the dude angle, i can give you ladies some idea..but i'm not a cheater. so i will have to go to the memory banks & the common sense library on yall asses. it is a guide if you suspect your dude, not a if your dude is doing this he must be cheating on you guide.

5 ways to tell your man is cheating on you:

way #5: he brand new..

it's saturday, yall watching the new movie on HBO..and his ass already saw it. looking at him, like "where you saw that shit?". and it is possible, he could have caught the bootleg here or there. but it's a fucking chick flick. so it's like why would he be watching, "he's so not into you" by himself, with his homies, or period? it's not just the movies. it's anything new that yall don't do together. if he starts talking about shit that seems odd, and is a new interest and yall never talked about it or did it together. then he's apparently talking/doing it with someone. so if it ain't his homies..guess who? or he start dressing different. he was rocking t-shirts now he rocking button ups. develops a new taste for foods. new interest in music. he taking you to restaurants neither one of yall have ever been to but the waiter recognizes him. yanno simple shit like that...

way #4: he quick to run errands, or has any excuse to get out the house

if a dude is cheating on you, he's always looking for a reason to get out. now chicks in a relationship where dude don't live with you. you don't have tabs on him like that, this is an issue that's harder to track. but chicks who pretty much know their dude go to work, come home, scratch his ass, watch sport center, go to sleep. then when he randomly isn't doing one of those things when you hit him up...he needs an excuse. now this isn't to say a dude leaving the house is suspect. it's to say a dude who phone rings & all of a sudden forgets he needed to buy some light bulbs. all of a sudden will pick shit up for the kids (without taking them). all of a sudden will make that midnight run to get "food" and stay gone for an hour & a half..."damn baby that line at Mcdonald's was LONG..". you might need to push "trip A" or "trip B" on that mileage cause dude is making stops. cause it'll always be stupid shit. it won't be..."i need to go get medicine." it'll be, "i need to go get some tire shine". because it's an "on the fly" lie. so it's never thought out right.

excuses include: working late (he works the morning shift), hanging with the boys (who are never any of his friends you know..cause you can check those alibis)..etc.

way #3: he smell like perfume, sex, different...

chicks have a keen sense of smell. yall are like drug dogs when it comes to sniffing another chick on your man. yall know his mama's scent. yall notice other chicks in the vicinity scent. so as soon as your dude walk up to you and hug you, you're like.."who you been hugging wearing that flower bomb?" of if he comes home and smells like another chick's "peaches". now all "peaches" don't smell alike, but for some reason yall know that "peach" smell anywhere. and if your dude come home smelling like "peaches", yall checking his drawz for "powdered doughnut" stains (courtesy of Maury). yes, it's possible someone brushed up against him. it's possible someone at work, an old associate, etc hugged him and had a little too much perfume on. but if dude is wearing that perfume or sex smell everyday. come on... unless he got a peach now. or he like to smell like light citrus now you don't have to be nancy drew to figure out what's going on here...if you have allowed another woman to change your man's scent, it's over. if he just start smelling different, and you can't tell why. like it's not a "peach" smell, not a perfume smell" he just don't smell the same. then you're the new side piece cause now she's checking his ass like.."why you smell like you her? (your wife/chick) "

way #2: he stop hitting you for sex...

okay if at 12:44am this dude is rubbing on your booty, every night for 2 years. if he jumping out from behind the door naked trying to poke & stroke. if he thinks every time you reach for him it's cause you wanna get busy. and all that shit just stops. unless he's having some "down there" problems. he's finally getting that shit, just from someplace else. i dunno how much i believe this one, cause unless you're a one shot dude...i don't see why you'd stop wanting it period. but i guess to some dudes once they step out maybe it satisfies the urge, maybe they just feel bad and don't wanna double dip, or maybe the work of trying to get if from you is too much and now they are getting it elsewhere the effort decreases. either way...unless the fountain is broke, if he is laying in the bed and you don't feel him at all for like a month it's cause some other chick is feeling him. test it out...if you grab it and it "gremlins" (multiplies), it ain't broke he just choosing not to use it with you.

way#1: he just a sorry ass dude..

he leave the house with a green shirt, comes back with a yellow one.

yanno you saw him put on underwear this morning but he doesn't have on any when he gets home.

you check YOUR voicemail and some chick, left him a message to hook up later.

so you already know he ain't keeping it 100% anyway. don't act surprised. if you know you're dude is prone to cheat, has cheated, wants to cheat, will cheat, etc..then why even read this shit? it's no secret he cheats. he doesn't care you know, he doesn't care to stop. stop being with dude. he don't love you. ok..maybe he do love you. i'll just say he doesn't have the capacity to love you the way you deserve. cheating = is a decision. it doesn't just happen. at some point or time that person makes a decision to cheat on you. wanna be a dummy? let them make an excuse for doing it. because there is no excuse.


#12.5 how men know a woman is cheating on them...

not gonna rant & rave. just gonna drop into it.

women are very slick. very very slick. for the longest dudes never thought it was possible for their chick to cheat on them. for that, yall have become an evil geniuses of cheating. a dude could be out cheating twice a day w/ different women. you ask him where his main chick is..."she at home". sheeeeiiiiiiit! i fear telling you ladies how un-smart at cheating you are, for it will allow you to strengthen your cheating game. but here goes...these aren't signs your chick are cheating. these are red flags of your chick deciding/thinking about/starting to cheat:

flag #5 : she's always helping someone..

unlike men, women always have good excuses. one of their girls is "depressed..." and she has to go over, spend the night. her best friend three states away had a bad day, and she's gonna go cheer her up & have a girls weekend. see dudes can't do that shit. you can't just go off for a weekend with your dudes. especially not your single dudes. you can't just go over you boy house and spend the night cause he was "depressed". women don't need wild excuses to leave the house. it's the same shit she told you before she was cheating. that's why it's so crafty. you think they are being a good friend & they like 15 minutes away getting it in with some dude.

flag #4: starts defending the hoes...

now she always talked about her friends being hoes. but all of a sudden..."you don't know her..". all of a sudden it's funny. funny how? funny like she being a hoe too. if your girl's hoe friend comes in to town and she is EXTRA excited. beware..she is being ushered to the dark side.

flag #3: she start trying to impress somebody.....

key point, it ain't you. if she's getting dressed up to go to work. putting on makeup to go to the grocery store. hitting long hours in the gym. she..has a boyfriend at work, the meat counter, or personal trainer. now the kicker part is...chicks be so gone sometimes that they will ask for your assistance to look good for another dude. try on different outfits. different hairstyles. different makeup. and the whole time you're sitting there thinking..."why is she so into getting sexy to go to running?". red flag fellas. your chick should never be saying she trying to look cute going some place you're not. imagine if you got all fresh & clean to go play basketball..

red flags: she changes up her hair patterns "down there" she go from natural to landing strips, she wears sweatpants & bonnets in the house and goes out looking like a model w/o you, etc..

flag #2: she starts acting guilty

this ain't all chicks, but a lot of chicks can't handle being hoes. it's not easy. they actually feel remorse. sometimes even enough to stop. it's actually pretty easy to spot a cheater when they are sorry because somehow in their actions they are trying to tell you without telling you. that's why women can't compete w/ insensitivity of male cheaters. yall are masters because it's a surprise. it's unexpected, not because you're good at it.

flag #1: she changes...

if a chick is dealing with a new dude she is back at that "new dude" state of mind. she might be smiling all day until she see you. you are NOT who she wants to see. and woman can't hide that. the kisses aren't the same. the hugs aren't the same. the talks, etc...she can't get that dude off her mind so to her you are just annoying. seeing you is annoying. because unlike dudes chicks put that emotional shit into cheating. once they start dimming the light in your room they aren't/can't see you the same.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

cougar update...

if you follow me on twitter you already know i had a sexy young thang come through this past weekend. aka my chick. anyway, we're sitting around chilling. and guess who calls. my cougar.

so i ignore it. not because i'm afraid to talk to my cougar around my chick, but because i didn't recognize the number. and if any of you know me outside of here...yall know the fastest way to get ignored is to call my phone private, unknown, or from someone else's phone. point blank, if your # isn't in my phone under a name i recognize..nada.

so....i get this call. and most of my folks know not to bother me when i'm trying to get my sexy sexy on. so i check the voicemail, and it's her. so i play it for my she don't think no funny business is going on. cause you know how yall chicks get mad if a dude don't answer his phone in front of you. even if they know your mama's ring tone, it's like.."why don't you answer?". even tho their shit stay on

anyway, back to the cougar. so her message is saying, "she just calling to see what's up...blah blah blah, call her back". so i'm like cool. next day we're laying in the bed watching tv, & who calls? come on..yall already know. so now my chick who previously ain't care about this cougar is getting a little "wtfish" on me. and i'm like...i told you she be calling me like that. so anyway (yes i am using a ridiculous amount of anyways..) next day she calls and invites me out to a function. and i tell my chick and now she's all giving me the..."you better not go..." tone. not that she's said it. but it's that..."you better not go". but it's was all good when i was her errand boy and she was side cheek/lip kissing me. now that you witness the cougar stalking yourself, you believe me now. now what? do i go with my cougar. do i turn her down cause of my chick now being a little suspicious. or do i continue to walk like a blind man down an isolated mountain afraid of a cougar attack on one side & my chick going all "Snapped" on the other?...

i told yall this cougar shit was gonna be trouble . . .

ManFive 11.5

no, it's not friday, but i did see a request for a slight adjustment of the previous ManFive, last week's topic: how do men know women like them.

well i decided to answer the opposite in this .5 edition. topic: how should women know men like them.

men are not complicated. if you talk to me outside of this blog, i say this all the time. we aren't the complicated of the sexes. we are most times straightforward. if we say we like/love you then we do. if we don't then we don't. if we're coerced more than likely we don't. it's not a lot of in between and grey areas. 5 signs/ways to tell a dude likes you...

sign #5: he talks to you....a lot.

like he generally cares about "how your day was", "what your co-worker did", "what you ate at lunch". he sits on the phone or sits listening to you all day. cause guess what...half the shit yall want to talk about is BORING AS FUCK! seriously. "oh i chipped my nail...", "me & karen went to lunch today and the waiter forgot to give us bread..". i'm saying, if dude don't like you unless you're talking about sex, sports, or like interest..he ain't gonna devote tons of time to listening to you talk about nothing. if you have longer than a 2hr conversation with a dude...and there is no "fap fap fap" going on...he's into you. if he's calling to just say hello. asking you how your day's going. etc....dude is into you. if you got a "male friend" doing that shit and you know he ain't gay. then he likes just think he's ugly and wont let him out the friendzone.

sign #4: he drops his boys for you...

if you got a dude who's always hanging with his dudes. and all of a sudden you don't hear shit about his dudes. he ain't going drinking. they call, he catching them later. he tell you he has plans you want him to come over to watch Atlanta Housewives and he's like ok... yea dude is now your problem. and if he chooses his friends over you, he is NOT into you. cause who would choose to be hanging with a bunch of dudes then possibly getting some puh-t-cat. sound it out with me..."geigh".

sign#3: he's all nervous/

when a dude is into you all that mack shit is out the window. even if you think some kinda way he hit you with the swag. his swag game has been tackled a bit. cause when you're really feeling a girl you can't ever get your shit together fast enough. your mouth don't work. you be tripping over your own feet. doing dumb laughs. nervous tell tell signs: rubbing your chin, rubbing your head, messing with your keys, etc... if a dude has been catching your attention all day with dumb shit more than likely he's been trying to get your attention. this is ALL guys...but i'm sure most of you ladies have had a dude come up to you and the first thing you could do was laugh. cause either he said some crazy shit. he accidentally dropped something. he smiled then forgot what he was gonna ask/say to you. women get to see who you really are. because when the games are gone (because if a dude playing games..he ain't really trying to get with you for real anyway) all you got is someone who really likes you & is searching for a way to tell you. and what happens when we try to tell someone something for real? we muck that shit up...but yall like us anyway.

sign #2: he tries to impress you/be romantic...

yanno how women always go back to the first few months of a relationship and say..."when we first got together, you used to....". yea..he used to cause he was trying to impress you. yes, it seems like it should continue but it's hard as hell trying to impress women these days. it's almost like you need a personal assistant. someone to tell you exactly what to do, what to buy, where to go, how to dress, etc. cause yall on some different shit these days. but if a dude is buying you flowers. sending you cards. doing extra shit to make you smile...he likes you. don't get that confused with dudes who be tricking off money. cause some of those guys like you, the other half are just paying for sex. how to tell the difference? the dudes who like you are doing it, wanting nothing in return. he's gonna get you in bed because you want to be there. the dudes who are just tricking cause they got it if they don't get "it" soon, the funds will disappear. not saying yall should withhold, just saying...know what a dudes intentions are. make sure there is sincerity behind the romantic gestures.

sign# 1: he invites you over when you're sick or on your period....

come on. if a dude wants to deal with you on either occasion..this might be your husband. seriously cause yall are some MONSTER BEAST. this goes hand & hand with sign #2. cause this is a dude who ain't getting nothing out of this deal. point blank, if he's into you..he's into you. it doesn't matter what your situation is. it doesn't matter what you're giving or not giving. he's showing he cares, he likes/loves you. so if you get that invite then you better not muck it up... cause i can tell you 98.5% of men will NOT deal with your ass when your sick or bleeding, unless they like/love you. real talk.

Friday, October 2, 2009

ManFive #11

ManFive topic for this week: how men can tell women like them. (courtesy of Beyond Danielle, if you ladies every have a question hit me up)...

Oh, I think she like me...

think is a tricky word. women are tricks...err i mean tricky. sometimes you'll run across a woman who will hands down no doubt about it let you know she's feeling you. then there are some of you who we have to play the guessing game (which is dangerous..cause we aren't a fan of guessing at shit, nor do we tend to be good at it).

it's hard out there for a dude sometimes. cause unlike dudes, women will look at you even if they aren't interested. like seriously, you'll think a chick is checking you out. you'll keep getting that eye contact. you walk over to her and she's like, "i got a boyfriend". then why they hell you giving me the eye? yanno the eye...i thought we were connecting girl. wtf? now i've just wasted my swagger stroll on you and the other chick i was thinking about going up to JUST saw me walk over here to you. damn, damn, evans. or you'll get the chicks in a group who are staring and smiling the whole night. and you think one of them is feeling you until you realize they are sitting over there like a bunch of bitches talking about you. needless to say, that's why chicks like that are always alone. despite all of the confusing signs, there are a few tell tell signs to know a chick is feeling you. here are five signs to know a woman is feeling you.

Sign #5: she starts playing games & testing you-- the "what if..", the "you don't like me" or the "if i was your girl" game....

you and this chick have been cool for a minute. you might have even tried to get at it once or twice. then all of a sudden she hits you with, "what if a chick liked you?". and you're sitting there like "yea?"..(cause you have no idea she talking about herself). or she keeps saying, "if i were you girl...i'd blah blah blah". and that shit start sounding good to you. and then some how some way you realize she's talking about her. and it's like...OOooooOoooh! cause women don't do hypothetical. yall refuse to do hypothetical. when yall be saying, "what if we we're married" yall already picked out the location, the date, who's gonna be your bridesmaid. it ain't just no question. yall been thinking about that shit. yall ain't asking to "make conversation". yall asking to get it crackin'..

Sign# 4.5 (part of games & test...): she start looking all sexy out the blue...

again you've known this chick for how long? she ain't ever wore no makeup. never tried to impress you. and all of a sudden she looking like a model and shit. like not just a pretty chick. i'm talking about chick got her hair done, nails done, eyebrows, wearing your favorite color, etc... you looking like..damn, is it your birthday today? and she looking at you like, "naw but i'll put oh my birthday suit for you.."

Sign#4: she develops a touching problem...

you can always tell a chick is feeling you when she's touching you. cause women don't like touching strange dudes. yall think everything & everyone is dirty. it's like.."i dunno what he been doing with his hands....". but if you feeling a dude. yall be bumping into a ninja like a bumper car. brushing by him like a lint brush. caressing his hand & holding on extra long in a handshake like a molester. touching his arm like he got some muscles. laughing and putting your hand on his knee, thigh..etc. as soon as a chick go out her way to touch me i know she's ready to be plucked. do you know how many times i've gotten up & as i'm walking a chick sticks her hand out like she's gonna give me "five" only to nut brush me. yall ain't slick. it's only an accident if it happens once.

Sign#3: she keeps complimenting & flirting with you...

just like touching, women will drop a compliment here & there for shits & giggles, but rarely not in a row. if a chick says, " have a nice smile." and keeps on about her business. if she says, "what cologne do you have on, it smells really good". she ain't sweating you she want her man to smell like that. that's all. but if a chick hit you with, "i like your shirt, oh and your always look so nice...then hit you with the "you smell good". yea. yea. she wants it. cause women are not repeat nicers. yes i made up a word. "nicers: ppl who say things just to build your ego..". we all know men will tell a raccoon she look like Halle Berry just for the hell of it. like "damn finer then Halle Berry". women don't do that shit. yea, they'll stroke their dudes ego. but if they aren't feeling you...nada. women will say everything cept you look good. "oh...yea. your glasses are always so clean". "you really do eat so neat..". "wow, you're so polite". that's the kinda shit you getting from a woman. she only hitting you up with them raunchy innuendos if she feeling you. cause yall don't like wasting time. if you don't see this dude being your dude it's like...."move over dude cause there is like 5 guys behind you...".

Sign #2: she'll just tell you, or get her friend to tell you...

no shit. that's how my ex wife walked into my world. i'd say something but the friend who introduced us passed away (RIP shake..). so i won't blame him from inviting freddrica (female play on is NOT her name) to my nightmare. lol. but for real. most times women will blurt out..."i love you.." yea they be coming on that strong. not just like that chick say she loveded me (spelled that way on purpose). but for real. yall will just come out and say it most times. if not you'll get a friend to do the leg work. but most times unless yall tell us we don't know, unless you've done any of the previous signs...

Sign#1: she starts doing/being interested in shit you like...

yall good for that shit. as soon as yall start feeling a dude you start wanting to be all up in his world. he like sports..all of a sudden you wanna know what a quarterback does. he likes fishing. you'll take your non-worm touching ass out and sit in the heat for hours getting bit by mosquito's, ticks, & alligators trying to act like you're with it. he likes to eat, you'll be asking your mom about recipes and she'll be giving you the side eye like, "uh better not go get pregnant" (cause she know only a man got you cheating on your boyfriend stouffers & your microwave). once a chick is down for whatever it's pretty much a done deal. if you start to ask her out and she say yes, without waiting to hear a what, where, when...she's building a shrine to you in her closet as we speak. cause she's gone. cause women don't ever go NO place without asking questions first. this shit is reserved for the beginning of the relationship. cause once they got you....the questions mutliply by 20. and shit. or if they don't like you...they'll say no before you can say anything else. either ain't getting that "i'm so into you" shit for long. that is, until yall want something...