i'm suffering from a contagious condition...

i apologize. i know i've been sucking lately. i suck at commenting on YOUR blog. commenting on MY blog. updating MY blog. everything..

i promise to get better. i promise to do better.

girl cars vs. boys cars...

some of you know i was complaining about my courtesy car yesterday. well...this (look to the left) is what they gave me.

the dude knew it was fucked up cause he kept trying to make excuses from the second i stepped in the door. he even hit me with, "are you ready to laugh" before he opened the door and revealed the car to me. now...i have a big suv. so to me..this is like a mattel toy car. not only that, it's a chick's car.

don't know the difference between a man's car and a woman's car? well let me break it down to you. a prius. a focus. a vw beetle. those are chick cars. i don't care how "save the earth you are". you are a girly man if you're driving any of those cars. a monte carlo. a ford 350 truck. a charger. those are dudes cars. just like wearing pants, ties, and cutting your hair short..women can get away with driving a man's car. guys...no such luck.

don't get me wrong. having something to get your from "a to b" is all that is important. but if you got a man who PICKED a prius, focus, or beetle...ask him what size dress he wears too. cause he's gonna be wearing your clothes just like he's driving your car. just saying...

i was horrified driving around in that cube. it's not the riding in part. it's the driving part. i can ride in a car like that. if a chick wants to chauffeur me around, cool. i just have no business DRIVING one. i was so glad to get my car back today.

question for my ex...

Q. if you could ask your ex "1" question..what would it be & why?

my answer...to a question i felt still needs to be answered. surprisingly alovelydai, chose as her same question. simply...

"are you happy?"

now my reason for asking may differ. but nevertheless, that's the one burning question i have not just for my last ex, but for most of them. my reasoning behind it..because i feel like going through all the drama, hurt feelings, the misdealing, etc...are you at least happy now?


after you've broken my heart. detoured my dreams. left me when i was down. you should at least be happy right? after you dug up my yard, trampled my flowers, and killed my grass...the grass on the other side should at least be greener, right? i know you're standing in your glass house admiring the shards of glass you've left from all your stone throwing. there's no way someone has shattered yours, right? to me..karma is a bitch, with your name tatted on on her "to-do list". it ain't my job to wish bad shit on you...

love trails. . .

hello out there in blog land...i'm enjoying hitting the blog up randomly instead of just showing up on thursdays & fridays. reminds me of the days i used to have a journal. well..i still have one. some of yall probably saying, "yea dude..you got one, you're never on..only reason i read your blog".. (shout out to isis, mo & kita.."i'm sorry" lol)

but i used to write all my little feelings on there. it was really the first medium other than my music where i could just really pour out how i was feeling. and it's like..if i felt people were gonna judge me i'd just filter or cut their ass from my friends list. it got to a point where i had a good core of people who i'd even consider friends. like i could honestly hang out and be cool with. it's weird cause i started it in like 2002. so i've known a lot of them for like 8 years and shit..and i literally watched a lot of them transition from college to tax paying individuals with real jobs and shit. i also grew up. my life started really coming alive..i transitioned from a computer engineer who "made beats" in my spare time to someone who flipped a dream and started living it. that's why i hate the term, "make beats" cause that's some elementary shit to me. i made a career out of a dream and a lot of them were there for that. a lot of them remember all my complaining, all my excitement, all my good times & my bad one's too. they also remember my love trails.

yanno. anyone who has a blog, journal, status, profile..whatever..knows when you're in a "love" or in "like" you share that with the world like it's the best shit ever. i mean i guess i'm just a love-a-holic. i never tire of sharing feelings of "love", "lust", "like" (yes in that order..). i'd literally find a sea shell and scream

I LOVE YOU "*****"

because that's what love does to me. it excites me. it gives me life. and if i'm in the moment/season with you then i'm convinced that you could be the one that changes my life forever. not on some naive shit. but honestly when i get with someone i go hard. like my girl epitome says.."i go hard in the paint..." for love. yall think this is some shit i've matured into. but honestly i've always been a fiend for love. and my love trails are littered with heartfelt confessions of love & disappointment. seriously. i'm sure if any of the above mention journal followers comment they can tell you about this chick, that chick, the crazy chick, the young chick..etc.

because that's one thing i'm really open about. to me love isn't something you hide. and if you judge me for failing in love..i hope you've been happily married for 52 years..if not you can kiss the underside of my left nut after i finished running my 5 miles bee-itch. that's why i make no apologies. i loved-lust-liked who i loved-lust-liked, for the reason i stated in that moment/season. the expression of love was pure and genuine. and most chicks i've dated...even if they hated me after we split. they know if anything i was always upfront and genuine about my feelings. but sometimes i wonder..what does my trail say about me?

like if a chick i was talking to were to go back in my archive would she get jealous? after all it didn't work out right?...but i'll be honest if i were to get back into her archive.. i'd probably get jealous too. probably compare her feelings for another to her feelings for me? it's only natural right? if she was head over heels for another dude. if she gave him things she doesn't give me. if she felt things she doesn't feel for me. would that bother me? shoe on the other foot...would she look at my past love confessions as me loving everyone hard..and it being nothing to love her that way? do you ever think about that? like the things you say..the love you confess for "that one"..that is so strong in the moment/season but then it fades. but it's still strong as baby's diaper left under your bed...those words "i'll never love someone the way i love her/him"..do you know how that would rip out some one's heart you said the same thing to? could they see past that? could they believe you?...never thought about that, huh?

the way i see it...you see the beginnings of my relationship. you see it blossom. i don't just talk about the good. i don't just talk about the bad. i talk about thinking about her so much it drives me crazy during the day because i'm not talking to her. i talk about missing her so much, i check my voicemail just to hear her voice. i talk about loving her so much that i feel incomplete with her. i talk about being pissed off, frustrated, mad, wanting to cuss her ass out. i talk about what i did that was wrong...what she did wrong...what i THINK we did wrong. i talk about the demise. if anything you will feel my heart being ripped out and tossed in the trash. because i don't take losing love easily. i guess what i'm trying to say is...when i get a "new one" you see me being resuscitated. you see me coming from that dark place into the light. and loving that woman for showing me the light. for showing me love again. it's never the same love. i don't look for the same love. i always want better. i always expect better. i always need better.

one thing i want the chick who's with me, who reads all my confessions. who follows all my love trails..is UNDERSTANDING...i want her to know how hard it is for me to love. yea, it may seem like it was easy. i may seem like the type who "just loves easily". but it's hard. from where i've been..it's hard. and i want you to know that. i don't want to keep that shit from you. i want you to know me. i want you to know all my love, hate, pain, sadness...so when i tell you i love you. you know how hard it is for me to say it after saying..."i don't EVER wanna love anyone again..". and when i look you in the eyes..and tell you that you are the only woman i ever want to be with. you're the woman i want to share my last of everything with: kiss, hug, laugh, moment, breath..

i want you to know it's hasn't been easy. it hasn't been easy, finding you....waiting on you. but now that i have you. i'm gonna do any & everything to do it. and hopefully at the end of my love trail with you, is a dead end.

bloggers rights...

aiight, i usually stay way from "entertainment" issues. usually because i know a lot of the people involved and although i'm pretty anonymous i feel like most times my mouth will get me in a lot of trouble. i also don't participate in rumors & all the other nonsense that people talk about that they have no clue about..

but today. i was thinking. this thing with sandra rose & jermaine dupri. is an example of "you can dish it, but you can't take it". first let me start off by saying, i don't condone violence, threats, or anything else in person, on the internet, from a rocket ship...whatever.

but i do feel like the "bloggers right" to say whatever should come with a stipulation that if someone doesn't like what you're saying or doing they have to right to say off the cuff shit back to you. do i think JD is planning an assault on sandra rose...uh no.

do i think that JD thinks sandra rose  is his arch nemesis that he needs to rid the world of? no. do i think he trying to pull at "get kat stacks" on sandra rose and have folks jump her and make her apologize to him? eh..again no. what i think is IF he even called her. he was drunk & pissed off. and he spewed a few too many loose words. no one is scared of JD. and i'm not saying cause he short..cause well err i have no room to talk. i'm saying no one thinks he's rolling with goons. or that he has a "get'em" posse waiting to jump women, men, & children. i think his words are being milked for attention. and the united "we are blogger" front is rallying behind her like this is a freedom of speech thing. if she is free to comment on his life. if she can use her media pass to expose him on different aspects of his life. he can't call her ass up and say, "shut up bitch...do you know who i am? you just finish saying i wasn't shit..i'm about to show you i'm shit". so um. ok. not the greatest choice of words (that is not a direct quote, just kinda a summary of the "alleged" conversation). you just finished saying he was a has been and no one cared about him anymore. why do you care he threatened you? why are you afraid of him now? just saying...just one of those scratch your head moments.

again. before yall attack me. i don't condone threats. i'm not saying he can say "i'ma blow you & your baby up" (he did not say that, but it's more interesting then what he actually did allegedly said). but i feel like take responsibility for your words and your actions. i know tons of bloggers that talk as if they are talking about their ex-best friend when they talk about celebrities. "oh girl yanno you were wrong...remember when you cheated on your boyfriend? girl, kiss that baby...".




you do NOT know these people. 

wait let me repeat that...you do NOT know these people.

i know a lot of bloggers who think negativity is the way to make people interested. so they go on tirades about this person. what they are wearing. how ugly their kids are. how fucked up their personal life is. they make post showing their ex girlfriends with new men. they make post saying how folks are just failing at life and should just kill themselves. we all have freedom of speech. and just like if i'm in your face calling you a loser. just like if i'm in your face saying, "that's why your girl left you". if i say it, i need to be able to deal with the consequences. and not saying it's right. but if somebody tried to throw in my fact that my ex was with someone new and i was still on that. i'd probably cuss your ass out and threaten you too. not saying it's right.but just saying, if you say it in my face you expect fireworks. why you think you saying it behind a computer you should expect any less?

this isn't to back JD. this isn't to spite sandra rose. i don't REALLY know the situation. this is just in general. bloggers have the responsibility to be responsible for their rants.  yes it's your opinion, you're entitled to it. but remember they are people just like you. and just like your ass is on twitter threatening @ihatekatstacks. calling her a hoe and saying i hope someone comes and beats your ass, rapes you, etc...it's the same thing JD did. idle threats from someone mad. you can say, "you're career is over..go kill yourself" (not a direct quote but again more interesting than what she said). but he isn't suppose to say anything back to you i guess.

 JD is a person, just like everyone else. he has feelings like everyone else. he can get stupid, say ignorant shit..like everyone else. that's what has happened. why is anyone acting outraged? if you skurred..say you skurred and go through the process to right that wrong. but continuing to talk shit about someone you claim to be scared of is a true sign that you really aren't skuuuuuurred. so shut up. if anything you should have learned that saying off the cuff shit gets you in situations like this...you ready to get slapped in the club like kat stacks?...

*DISCLAIMER* that last sentence was hypothetical. i am in no way threatening to slap you like kat stacks. i'm just saying it'll be on worldstarhiphop. *carrie's mother's voice* and we'll all be laughing at you..

*DISCLAIMER* for my *DISCLAIMER* i am not condoning violence against women in my above comment. i'm just saying yanno it was funny.

*DISCLAIMER* for my *DISCLAIMER* for that *DISCLAIMER* aw, fuck it..if yall gonna sue me just sue me..

not my type part 2...

i thank everyone who participated and left a comment. thank you. as promised i'm going to post my answer/opinion. so the other day i asked a question...

Q: does physical attraction supersede all other attraction? can you be with someone you aren't physically attracted to?

 

My Answer:

in my opinion, attraction is important. it's necessary. you have to like the person you're with. there has to be something. but physical attraction is subjective. what you find attractive doesn't particularly mean that's what makes someone attractive. just means that's what attractive is to you. there is no universal "that's attractive". i was taught at a young age, that beauty is from within. and that attractiveness is a quality that exudes you. it's that swagger that people brag about. it's why money makes people more attractive. it's why power makes people more attractive. it's your attitude that attracts. yes, looking at someone and drooling helps. seeing someone with a body cut up like a slasher film is great. but try explaining why seeing someone with tons of "swag" and a gut is just as amazing as someone with a six pack naked. the anticipation of both are equal when you see them through the same "attraction goggles"...

the problem is, the "attraction goggles" are optional. and we don't choose to wear them with everyone. before you get to know someone none of the other qualities are visible. the only thing you have to go on is their looks. it's the first thing you see. it's what you notice..whether it's positive or not. so what makes someone not attractive? what makes them displeasing to your eyes, ugly, or "not your type". what is it that turns you off to the point that you couldn't see yourself with someone? like is it that easy?


to me it's not. the only thing that will get your disqualified from the door is...you being a man. that is definitely not my type. that's about it. yes, there are people i look at and might think, "damn....you're sexy". but it's nothing that's gonna make me totally be like, "there is no chance no hell..". i've just learned that there are too many good people out there to judge them on their appearance.

another thing i've noticed is there is a lot of "can't help it" discrimination. shit like height, skin color, specific features..you just can't help. it's really not my fault that i'm short. it wasn't "not eating my veggies" that made me stop growing. it's genetics. same goes for my skin color. i can sit in the sun all day, i'm not getting any darker. yes from the door a chick will say, "i don't date short light skin men". whaaat? 


don't get me wrong, i'm not nit picking. you have to right to like what you like. you have to right to look at someone and lose your mind. but imagine if someone you were attracted to, wasn't attracted to you due to things they deem "unattractive". flip it around and let the guy you're interested in, tell you he'd date you if you weren't so tall. he's the same height, or an inch taller/shorter. go up to a guy and he tell you, "he usually dates lighter chicks". if you thought you were a decent looking person, and someone treated you like the queen of the ugly parade. to me if someone shows you interest. and they seems like a genuine person. what's in physical attraction? 

is that some fairytale shit? 

to me, love = attraction. if i love you, you're the most beautiful person to me. it's your attitude/personality that makes you ugly. think about it. think of all the exes you used to date and thought they were fine as hell...now you look at them and they make your stomach eat itself and throw up. you look at them and shit you never noticed, shit that never bothered you is now sticking out like a red flag. that's not because they've suddenly become unattractive, it's because you don't look at them with your "attraction" goggles anymore. am i lying?...

not my type....

so..i was talking to a friend about one of her friends. she was telling me how, this guy who works at this store up the street from their house has a huge crush on her friend.

she had been telling me for a while how the guy was always flirting with her friend. and even told her one day that if she "hooked that up" for him that everything in the store for her was free. i'm sure he didn't mean that literally. but it was implied that if you hook me up, i'll hook you up.

so casually they see dude and tell him that it's the friend's birthday. so the next time dude sees the friend he has a $150 gift certificate, a card, etc. for her. so she takes the gift. thanks him. they even go on a walk that night. sounds like the great beginnings of a love connection huh?

not actually. she doesn't want to date dude because he is short. he's not in shape. now immediately. i start laughing. she's one of those, "black women can't get married" chicks and she's discriminating based off of looks? this chick couldn't keep a man to save her life. the dudes she normally mess with, wouldn't have done that for her, not without being her boyfriend first. why would she let how dude look stop her from getting to know him? yanno the movies where the nerd gets the "hot chick" at the end. where he steals her heart by being a "nice guy". that shit don't happen in real life. women will stop a dude at the front door if he's not "her type". when women do it and it's like.."oh i understand girl, he just ain't your type". men aren't allowed to have "types" or preferences". when we prefer something. when we are outspoken or criticize a woman we are superficial, self loathing, jerks. when a woman has a "type", that's just what she likes.
 
what happened to the days where people tried to see you for you? i have a question for all of you. and i want you to be COMPLETELY honest. no political correct answers. anonymous posting is turned on in case you fear judgment. lol. i will share my answer later...

  

Q: does physical attraction supersede all other attraction? can you be with someone you aren't physically attracted to?

spoiled rotten...

so i'm having a cool morning. i get up, walk around. get dressed. walk around. play on twitter, text a few messages, look watch a little tv. walk around.

walk downstairs to head out the door when i realize i haven't taken my benefiber for the morning. which is a real bitch..but very necessary due to my new digestive problems i totally blame on these damn injections. so i reach in the fridge to get one of my water bottles. and there is sweat on it. which is weird, it's been in there two days. it should be very cold. my fridge is normally an arctic circle.

so i reach for another bottle (i have like 5 water bottles in my fridge, since i really don't drink anything besides water & juice). and it's warm. so i reach for the wine up top it's not chilled. i touch other stuff, nothing is cold. it's not hot, like the fridge has been off. it's just not cold. so i look at the settings as if i bumped them and turned them down. and they were set to 3 (where they always are). so something says open the freezer. something also said.."don't open the freezer". as i pulled the handle the first thing i see is brown ground beef laying in the package. "OH SHIT".

then i open and see popsicle juice dripping down the door. i see my cornish hens laying limp in the door of the freezer. i see like 4 more laying in a pool of salmonella on the top shelf. i see water from the frozen ice all in my freezer. ice cream boxes buckling over with sweat. my frozen dinners limp like they are full of jelly. i had bag, after bag, after bag of chicken swimming around in blood. chicken tenders, nuggets, drummets, fillets, wings, etc..about 3 more packages of ground beef all very brown and nasty looking. "OH SHIT"

i throw all the stuff away. mind you i haven't even open my fridge part back up. it took my 3 garbage bags. i throw away my eggs, bacon, lettuce, brats, butter, milk, etc..

i pull out the ice maker wash it out. wash all the shelves from top to bottom. once i get to the bottom and pull out the drawer. i see there is a pool of beige raw chicken soup all in the drawer. look under it, the popsicle juice, chicken juice, and whatever else rotten juices had made a baby of nasty juices in the bottom of my freezer. this shit can't be life...

now i'm waiting on the repair man. gotta go get my son, then wait so more. today was suppose to be a good day. it was going to be a good day. now i gotta deal with this bullshit. here's hoping that it's just a cooling fuse or some shit, cause if dude come telling me some crazy story i'm gonna have this shit sitting on the curb with the rotten food on thursday.

i'm not calling him a liar....

so i told yall "going to school" was something new we started this year with my son. and he's been going this summer too. so i take him to school a few weeks ago and theres a pony there. so like everyday i ask him, "did you have fun today"..his answer is usually no. sometimes he'll surprise me and say yes. i'll ask him, "did you learn something today?"..his answer is usually no. so this day his answers were, "yes..". so i said, did you get on the pony? and his answer was yes.

 now, i'm an active father and i know my son. i've taken my son to the zoo. i've taken him to carnivals..all kinda places with ponies. and he always gets scared of the ponies. like he don't want to get near them. and i admit when i was a child, i didn't like ponies either. in fact i didn't like any animals. probably why i refuse to touch any till this day. so i ask him, "you weren't scared of the pony?". and my son is not a talker like that, but his reply was "no i not scared of no pony". so i was like, "oh shit.." so i start telling everyone he got on the pony. so i'm talking to his mom. i tell her they had a pony at school and he got on it. she was surprised as hell too.

so yesterday she calls me. and she's like, "i thought you said he got on the pony". and i'm like he did. and she's like, "they sent a disc of the kids on the pony. he was NOT on the pony. in fact he wasn't anywhere near the pony. i see all the other kids on the pony... ". so i'm like did you ask him? and she's like yes. i said, did you get on the pony and he said yes. so i'm like..well maybe they didn't take a picture of him on the pony. and she's like.."he didn't get on no damn pony". i'm saying why she gotta call the boy a liar? so i'm like, "you think he's lying?" and she's like.."he ain't get on no damn pony..."so i'm like put him on the phone. and he gets on the phone and i ask him, "you rode the pony at school?" and he says yes. so who do i believe. him or his mama or the pictures? i have to admit i'd believe him over his mama anyday. but the pictures..do they lie? we'll find out today. because i know she's been waiting all weekend to take him to school and ask. so i expect a call at 9:01am telling me, "he didn't get on no damn pony" cause she like to be right.

*update from yesterday*: HE DID RIDE THAT DAMN PONY!

fly on the wall..

i tried to post this earlier from my phone, failed!

i will attempt to remember all the fantastic shit i said before, potential fail!

i won't be doing a #twitterkills today, sue me fail!



have you ever wondered what people are saying about you when you're not around? not random gossipers, but people you honestly really care about. have you ever wondered what they really think of you. not what they tell you. but what they say when you leave the room. or to other people.

i've always had an issue about how people think of me. it started as a kid. i was the kid that bought friends. i used to bring candy and just give it away. i used to loan lunch money that turned into my treating folks to lunch the entire school year. i just wanted people to like me. since growing up, it has made me very guarded with friends. i always doubt someone's true sincerity when it comes to friendship. but i've let go of the "making everyone like me" shit. i mean i try to be nice to everyone. because there is still a residual feeling of "wanting people to think i'm nice" in me. i can't help it, i've always been a nice person. and i was brought up to believe that being a good person is what God wants. it's a much important virtue then the others people focus on. so to me, being a good for the purpose of just being good is what i strive for. I don't try to intentionally be a bad person to anyone.

so...my thing is when people don't think i'm a good person. or have issues with me, it really fucking bothers me. it's something i internally digest and try to work on. i'm not a person who ever takes criticism lightly. i'm saying if i think what you're saying is b.s. or it's something stupid, i'll dismiss you. but when it's people i love, trust, and respect, it bothers me. that being said.. i wonder what my girlfriend, friends,  & family really think of me. i wonder what are the good qualities. i wonder what are the bad qualities. i want to know what impression i leave with and on them. and also if they are negative about me, what is it saying about the relationship i share with them? it's one of those things, where is it me...or is it you? i wish i could be a fly on the wall sometimes. just listen to their honest opinion without fear of judgment. i hate hearing negative opinions, but i feel like it makes me a better person overall by knowing what my shortcomings & weaknesses are.

sometimes....

sometimes, i get mad. i get very mad. and it clouds my judgment almost like drugs cloud your piss.

sometimes i get upset. i get very upset. and it boils my blood almost like a vampire with an sterile OCD.

i find these days my anger or (better put) my disappointment in things & people is easier set off than a car alarm in bankhead.

my life is like an equalizer (yes, a music reference). it's full of ups, downs, & levels. just as it's peaking...it gets dragged down. sometimes it levels out. sometimes it goes below "0".

what can i do? anger management would just make me angry. i'm serious. i feel like sitting around discussing with a stranger and listening to what they think my "real problem" would just make me wanna choke them like someone eating a peanut m&m at the same time they were coughing. i don't think that's the solution, nor do i think my anger is that bad.

i think i just need to scream. like just go to the edge of the world and just scream till my voice leaves for a few days. it's frustration. you ever have an idea of something. a vision of a perfect world..and in your mind you're so close to making that real. i find myself there all the time. like i can reach it. touch it. smell it. yet, it's just being yanked away like the football lucy always moves right as charlie brown is about to kick it.

why can't i kick the fucking ball?

love mishaps

i've mentioned before i'm a romantic at heart. and being a romantic, i tried to think of a gift to buy my girlfriend that would scream..."i'm thinking about you". it wasn't about price, it was about thought. what could i buy...that would show her that i was always thinking of her? what can i get that she can have and think of me?

so i went down to this store called, "things to remember". and saw this heart compact. so i thought long & hard about what i wanted it to say. i got her name engraved on the front. and wanted to put a message on the other side. the first thing that popped in my head..

at first..."if you look in my heart, this is what you'll see".

that was cool. but i wasn't sure if that was too much. after all, she always implies i'm moving too fast. and i'm too serious. so i backed off that idea.

then i came up with.."your only imperfection is, you without me...". i thought to myself maybe she wouldn't understand what i was trying to say. so the lady at the store asked me if i wanted some help...so we came up with.."you're always in my heart" (or something similar..lol it's been a while). short, sweet, & to the point. so i go out and find this beautiful heart box. red, heavy, carved box. and i put the compact in there. she sees it and kisses me and thanks me for it.

but months go by and i never see it again, nor hear mention of it. so one day we're having a conversation about, "your & you're". and she's telling me, "i know you don't know the difference in the words..". and i ask her why she said that, she informs me her compact says...

"YOUR ALWAYS IN MY HEART"

i inform her the stupid girl at the store must have spelled it wrong when she was engraving it. because i know i double checked it a million times before i decided to go with that message. so that's why she never has it? or never said anything else about it? *smh*...i've wanted to for a while go and get another one done corrected. but i thought about it. if she was gangsta she would rock that shit and be like, "so my boyfriend might not be able to conjugate verbs...but i love his retarded sped ass anyway". so i refuse to get another one, at least until i see her show some pride in that one.

*ignorantly strolls away*

blogamony

excuse the sloppiness of this post, it's being done through a new "blogger" client on my phone. i just wanted to address the request for blogamony i received..

denied....

lol. just playing. I'm gonna honor this request, later on today..so check back. as for the missed manfive...arrgh, it's coming!

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