Friday, October 15, 2010

all numbed out



it's been a while, since the last time i thought about you. when i pass by "our" favorite restaurant. when i hear "our" song. when i look at remnants of "our" relationship, it doesn't hurt the same. in fact it doesn't hurt at all. staring at old photographs doesn't remind me of the good times we once shared. in fact those "good times" are vastly overshadowed by the truth.

the truth is, i'm not in love with you any more. i don't think of you any more. it doesn't hurt. i'm not "stuck" on not being with you. my heart is melting the icebox you put around it. i feel nothing...for you. i'm numb. i'm numb to the pain. numb to the hurt. numb to the countless memories that used to haunt me. taunt me. drive my life off the road...to happiness. i can now see the sign. . .

500 miles to happiness

i'm not there, but i can see it. it's been a long time coming but i finally can see happiness in my future. it's funny how i used to think i'd never get to this point. when the depression, loneliness, and uncertainty moved in. i never thought i'd get rid of them. they consumed me. they ruled me. they convinced me that i needed you. that my life wasn't worth having without you. that all the dreams i felt were lost, were really gone for good. you really did a number on me. scratch that...i really did a number on me.

i allowed myself to go to a dark place. then i foolishly sat there. in the dark. staring at nothing. wanting nothing. hurting alone. being alone. i rendered myself useless. i told myself i wasn't worth loving. i didn't deserve love. i'd never have it, find it, or trust it again. don't get me wrong..it's not that i don't love you. i just don't punish myself, by not loving me. see, i didn't lose love. i lost myself....and to be honest, i miss the old "me" more than i miss you.


[october challenge: day #15]
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7 comments:

Chymere said...

wow...talk about a wake up call....

You don't know how much I needed this...or maybe you did. Either way, thank you.

Freckles said...

Dude, I am so sharing this with my folks. I know a few folks that lost themselves within a person moreso than the relationship and once it was over - they had a hard time figuring out who they were.

LOVE LOVE LOVE! this post sir.

Krissy said...

I love this one. I love reflection posts! It made me smile.

★Starrla Monae☆ said...

I remember being this place once...growth is a blessing! Besides...I'm too damn fly to set myself back like that ever again lol

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

@chymere: you're welcome. we all need this at some point or another. even if we don't slip all the way, with love comes pain. with experience comes hurt. and with lost, comes uncertainty. glad it could help. always remember, it can hurt to your core..but it can't destroy you unless you let it. good luck.

@freckles: thank you. i agree too many people get lost and give too much power to a relationship that doesn't deserve it.

@krissy: you smile, i smile. we all smile. thanks.

@starrla monae: growth is truly a blessing. and i co-sign...i'm too damn fly too. lol

sunshinestar110 said...

all i can say about this one is wooooowwww...that touched close to home...never want to go back to that again..

Love said...

this is amazing. you've spoken for me in many ways.