declined...

i usually don't go around spending tens of thousands in single transactions. i admit i used to. i admit i used to have a "reckless with my money" problem. and that's why i started being more cautious. in college i discovered credit cards. my junior year of college my mom discovered i discovered credit cards, and it was a wrap. i had did some major damage. she would pay my card for me and i'd run that shit back up. on shit i didn't even want or need. so she stopped. and after a while...i stopped to. credit cards became the devil.

and i told myself, if i can't afford to just pay for something i don't need it. that philosophy carried me out of debt and into a better mind state. then i started getting the kinda money that makes you think you're rich. and for anyone who is coming out of college where your parents have cut you off to teach you the lesson of responsibility. and you've cut yourself off from overextending yourself. and you start getting money that is yours and that looks plentiful. you start buying shit like a maniac. and that's what i did. it wasn't borrowed money, but it was a lot of money. on a lot of stupid shit so after i got that out of my system. i started telling myself, "no matter how much money i have...it doesn't give me the freedom to waste it". so i just stopped buying shit that didn't make any sense. unless it was for others. that's my weakness. my parents raised me with the bad habit of being extremely generous. but even that i've put in check. now my spending is always triple checked. meaning...i want something. i go look at it. i get ready to buy it. i convince myself i really don't need it. i look again. i decide, there is nothing wrong with me buying something for myself. i decide to buy it. i'm looking for someone to tell them i want it. if it takes me more than 5 minutes to find someone, i'll convince myself that it's an impulse buy and to leave it alone. i give myself 3 chances, before i leave the store with something or just empty handed. yesterday..i wanted it. yesterday i felt like treating myself. so i walk in the store..tell dude what i wanted and watched the register ring up to a 5-figure amount.

so i walk over to the counter. and dude knows me. i come up in there all the time. he knows i got the money. i know i got the money...cause one thing i do is stay up on money in my account. i don't need to check no balances. i don't need you to print out how much i have on my deposit slip...i know how much money i have in my account. so i walk over and hand dude my check card.  and now he's looking at me like.."ok..". maybe he thought i'd have an american express card. or be pulling out a wad of cash like a drug dealer. or counting nickles and dimes i've saved up in an old sock. i don't know what he thought. but as he took my check card he looked at me, like..."you sure?....you did just walk in here and decide to get this..". so he's already making comments like, "must be nice..". and i'm thinking dude...swipe my card, it's cool. he takes the longest swipe imaginable.

and i wait....  and wait.....  and wait.... staring at the credit terminal. it isn't saying declined, yet it isn't saying accepted. so i get that nervous feeling. that looking all around. drumming on the counter feeling. dude is looking down like he's anticipating the "declined" status. then it starts to beep....and goes through.

why for that moment did i get nervous? it's not that i thought it would be declined for insufficient funds. i was more nervous that the damn bank would tag my spending as fraudulent since i don't spend like that except around holidays (valentine's day/mother's day/christmas..etc). and the thought of getting declined and having to explain that shit was what was looming over me. even if i said, "i don't know why that happened", "i know the money is there..", or "let me call the bank..." ...if i were a store clerk i'd be thinking, "yeah right" cause you see that shit all the time. people making excuses and saying they'll be back and shit. and i HATE being behind people who do that shit. so i NEVER want to be one of those people. even if it's true. it just seems like you ain't got no money and shouldn't have had your ass in the line to begin with.

five minutes out the store. i get a call from suntrust, verifying the purchase. lol. at least their on it right? so i head out of there...cause i decide today is my shopping day. today is my "me" day. so i hit up my suit store, to get me a new tux, due to the fact that i've gained weight and can't really fit my old tux the way i used to. and no this isn't random. i have a dinner to go to so it was necessary. and yes...i buy tuxes, cause my dad's always taught me.."a man should always own a tux". not to mention it's cost efficient and convenient due to the amount of times you may need to wear one. and the most important reason...because anything i wear would require a ton of alteration due to my height and now my out of shape, no ass having physique.

so i go to get one. get to the register. and hand them the same card. like i was testing suntrust. almost daring them to decline my ass. hand dude my card. it takes a minute, but it goes through. not even a call from suntrust. i stop off at the gas station put my card in the pump..."see attendant".

ain't that a bitch...lol. i didn't even argue. just went inside paid in cash and put my card to rest for the day. called suntrust just to make sure they didn't put me on timeout. which they had...but told me they'd take it off since i verified it.

fuck a declined....

[october challenge: day#26]