Friday, March 26, 2010

manfive friday #36..

"you can't teach a old dog, new tricks"

manfive friday #36 topic of the week: how to train your man..

we've all heard the old adage. it's a hard concept. it's almost impossible, but it can be done. it's not easy. it takes patience and persistence. it's a task that could make your life so much easier.

but how do you do it? how do you trick him into listening to you or changing from his old habits? we again, are not complicated. you just have to know how to harness the power to make us do some shit we wouldn't usually do. here are five tips to help you along the difficult journey of training your dude:

tip #5: how to get him to stop being a "head & shoulders". . .

you ever dated a dude who said he was gonna call you at a certain time. you wait all night and around 2 am your phone rings and you're thinking, "hell naw..this dude don't think i'm about to answer this phone?" or he ask you on a date on monday but he come by on thursday like, "what's up shawty?". you are dealing with a "head & shoulders" dude. a.k.a a "flake". why is he a flake? because your ass lets him flake the fuck out on you. wash you're fucking hair and get rid of the fucking flakes. wanna know a sure fire way to stop him from being flaky. stop playing into it. if he say he gonna call at 7-pm. at 7:01 stop answering his phone calls. if he say he gonna take you out tonight, when he call to reschedule tell him you're out with your friends, new boyfriend, or fuck his shit way up & say you're out with HIS friend. secret to making a guy be more consistent is demanding and not accepting the bullshit. once a guy learns he can't bullshit around with you he'll either straighten up & fly right or he'll leave your ass alone. either way, you win.

tip #4: how to get him to put the toilet seat down

this has been a problem since toilet seats were invented. my chick has told me about one of her friend's boyfriend (cause of course i'm perfect and i don't do she says he comes over and either leaves the seat up, or puts the lid down and doesn't flush. let's face it ladies, we men have the privilege of being able to stand and piss. and although it makes our lives so much easier it makes you're life so much harder.

i literally can walk in the bathroom, eyes wielded closed, aim...piss & flush. the seat being "up" enables me to do this the best. you go over to a single man's place his seat is probably up. we just don't have to sit as much as yall. and when we do sit, we look. you think it's lazy for us to leave it up, we think it's lazy for you not to look and put it down. truth is, we don't do it on purpose. we really just don't think about it. so beside just asking us, there are a few tactics you can use to trick us into "being sweet & putting down the seat".

"normal training": if you see him walk out the bathroom and leave the seat up, just like with a child..remind him to go put the seat down. make it a habit to put both the seat & lid down so it starts being a mutual habit. teach him how to piss with the seat down (without pissing on the seat of course). if he pisses and doesn't flush, leave it in there and tell him "the toilet must be broke, because the water's yellow".

"extreme training": make us feel bad. tell us you fell in. get a snickers bar and crumble it up and drop it in the toilet and let it just sit in there all day. let us find that "shit" floating around in the toilet. or if you're really bout it, light it up for real and put the seat down. trust once a dude finds/smells a chocolate surprise in the toilet, he'll start remembering to flush. and the # 1 toilet seat lesson learner..let us randomly just be walking around in our drawz or naked and throw water on our ass and say, "this is what it feels like, when you leave the toilet seat up".

"last chance training": is reverse psychology. you can start putting the toilet seat up. make him think either you're being courteous or you've learned how to piss standing up. i guarantee his ass will start putting it down for you. you will also eventually beat him at his own game, because he'll assume the seat is down one day and fall in himself.

tip #3: how to train him to have better everything

another common complaint amongst you ladies is that your guy just doesn't have good taste. whether it's his TV watching. he only watches wrestling, cowboy be-bop, & playboy all day. he thinks red lobster is a "fancy" restaurant. his idea of sexy isn't lingerie, it's liquid shiny leggings with a disco strapless bra. how do you instill "taste" into someones life?

you start by introducing him slowly. women tend to want a man to embrace new ideas all at once. like you want us to go from drinking miller genuine draft to hosting wine tastings. you want us to go from wearing a white tee & air force one's one day to button ups & hard bottoms. ditch the all polo everything for yves saint laurent. stop wearing cologne made by rappers/singers, old spice, and shit you can find at every drug/grocery store. you have to ease into it ladies.

start off with compliments, they're always nice. if he has on something nice, or is dressed a way you'd prefer let him know. make a big deal about it. or if you see something you think would look nice on him, tell him. say, i saw this button up that i think would look real sexy on you. while yall are out spray some cologne on him and tell him it smells good on him. while yall are out order some wine and tell him to try it. tell him you wanna go to a tasting or that you've heard of a new restaurant you want to try. introducing someone to something lets them be a part of making the choice. it doesn't feel as forced. it almost makes it seem like it's his idea or that by choosing it it'll be making him irresistible for you. again, we're simple and no matter how much we'll swear we see through your games..we'll fall for that shit every time.

you also can't be scared to spend a little. if you want him to step up his game, start by stepping up yours. you want him to appreciate you in some sexy lingerie, buy some. wear it, show him that it's worth the money. same goes for him, if it's something you want to see him in..get it for him. a lot of times a dude isn't trying to spend that kinda money on clothes. not that he doesn't have it, but he just doesn't deem it important. or he'd rather spend $225 on some retro jordans than on a shirt or some slacks. sometimes he just needs to see that it's an investment. see what he'd look like in it. see what a difference it would make. but you have to do that leg work. you have to go pick some shit out. if you want him drinking wine instead of beer, you start getting bottles and pouring him a glass during dinner. bring him one when he's just sitting around watching TV. just like he can't turn you into a sport center fanatic after one episode, be patient. "taste" is not something that is automatic, shit your "taste" might be shitty too. i'm saying you can't be dressing like a galactic space hooker and talking about how he dresses. always do it with respect, and remember that suggesting is NOT the same as telling. don't tell someone to change, just let them know that there are different things they can do to enhance themselves in your eyes.

tip #2: how to get him to be the "dude" from the chick flicks

i think this commercial is fucking hilarious, because you women really want this man. yall want the dude who wants to go for long walks in the park. the guy who wants to sit on the beach, read a book, and hold your hand. a guy who listens. a guy who knows the perfect gift. one who automatically is consistent, puts the toilet seat down, & has taste (tips # 5-3) without being trained or prompted. you want the man who only exist in your chick flicks and romance novels. how do you get that man. how does your dream man leave your dreams and walk into your reality? . . .

you go find a chick because dudes are NOT like that. lmao. naw but for real. teaching a man to like to do those things vs. teaching him that those are things you like is a hard task. you might not ever get him to completely like doing that sappy shit. but you can get him to the point where he does it for you, doesn't mind or complain. how exactly? by being appreciative. i say this shit all the time, yall don't appreciate when we go outside of our comfort zone to make you happy. cause on your birthday, anniversary, valentine's day, "special..we want some sex" days. we'll do all that shit in a heartbeat. but if you act like that shit don't matter, then we'll be more reluctant to do it again.

another quick way, is to stress that most of the shit yall like is free. besides the unlimited shopping spree you're always hinting about. walking in the park, holding hands down the street, writing you a poem, love free. this is probably the cheapest way of impressing you there is. and if he realizes that this little shit is what makes you happy. and it's not gonna cost him anything. i promise he'll start doing this cheap ass sappy shit all the time.

tip #1: how to get him on that "us" & "we" shit...

when starting this manfive, i was on the phone with my girlfriend asking her what she thought about this topic. she contributed one tip idea. and that was pretty good, so i asked her to think of another one. she gave me another and i'm like...oh that's good too. so then it started making me look at the other tip ideas i had thought up by myself and thought, maybe i should just make her give me all of the tip ideas. and pretty much she did except for #4 (that was my idea..and she was like "oh yea that's a good one"). she then said, "you better give me credit for helping you...". and i said " don't work for commission, you work for this dic.." okay i didn't say that. but she joked and said after she gave me this tip idea, "you better say our manfive...". (so yes..this week tip ideas were courtesy of my girlfriend..she just secretly wants to learn how to train me...that shit WON'T happen, lol.)

it's true, as men we are not in the habit of including yall in our plans or giving you credit for your involvement in shit you help us with. it's not a selfish thing, it's moreso a "i didn't think about it" thing. don't be co-signing tho, because yall asses do the same thing. i think it's just a personal thing we have to learn to incorporate in our vocabulary and lives. a few ways to get your dude to start saying, "we", "us", or "our" is letting him have some control. touched on this in the previous manfive. he'll start including you once you're riding with him. once you got his back. once he starts seeing the two of you as a team. you can't be an "individual" (I) in a relationship and want someone to use a plural term when describing you. like if you say, "this is MY sandwich, but this is OUR house". you can't be mad when he eats YOUR sandwich, because he's looking at it like:

if it's OUR house, OUR fridge, it's OUR sandwich.

you can't have it both ways ladies! so to get us in the habit you have to get yourself in the habit. you also can start asking him about the future. he'll start off by telling you, "i want to do this by the time i turn..", "i want to be financially stable..", "i want a family"...then as he continues you'll start noticing how things will turn into, "we need to buy...". "when when get married..". yes, this is some shit yall be on almost instantly because when you're gauging your future with a man you're thinking "you & him". when we look at the future, we include you but you're included in a more unspoken manner. it's like (if we really like you..) you know we're including you, but your just supposed to know that all the preliminary desires are just to get us to the "we" & "us" point. we're trying to get ourselves stable & together to start a family with you. so watch, slowly but surely the more you start supporting us and including us we'll start doing it in return. we just act like punks sometimes and want you to say it first.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

#twitterkills thursday #19

one of my twitter friends tweeted this this morning:

you know #twitterisaproblem when you almost run a red light bc you're driving and checking your timeline. *logs off and hides twitter app*


now this same person, also texts and drive as well. in fact she's ALWAYS tweeting & texting. i admit sometimes i'll reply to a text while driving. very carefully. and usually never when my son's in the car, unless i'm at a light. but this is for all of yall tweeters who can't even break to get to your location safely.

twitter really can kill in this instance, not just emotionally. not to say you can't use it responsibly. there are a few ways to tweet responsibly and drive. and i know some of you hardcore crazies are gonna say there are no ways. the same way you think someone semi drunk can't make it home. it can be done, you just have to use extreme caution and observe the tweet rules.

tweet rule #1: only read text when you're stopped, at a traffic light or stop & go traffic.

tweet rule #2: reply with quick tweets when you're on a stretch of road or you've located the car in front of you and have allowed for that one asshole who wants to cut you off to dart in between yall.

tweet rule #3: NEVER, tweet with your phone above the steering wheel for someone else to see what you're doing. if the police see you or if you do get in an accident and they say, "they we're looking down" you can simply say i saw something moving around in my car. they don't know what the fuck you were looking at. don't give the the amunition to fault you for them squeezing their brakes because they can't drive & the cop for wanting to give you a ticket for breathing and whatever else he finds when he stops you.

tweet rule #4: if you can't multitask, don't do that shit. if you can't take your ass on when the light turn green. if you can't glance down and drive at the same time. if you continue to hit your breaks every time you hear the notification, you are not BUILT for twitdriving.

tweet rule #5: NEVER try to catch up on your timeline while you're driving. that shit will still be there when you stop or get to your location. let that shit breath. no need to scroll or to check back at what someone else said. if they say, "what was that in reply to?"..don't go looking for that shit.'re driving. you are operating a vehicle. you don't have time for that shit. let them be clueless for 30mins-hour.

if you follow these rules, you may be alright. i can't vow that you won't be arrested or won't get in accident. so i'm saying. be careful. engaging in dangerous behaviors should be at you're own risk. you can't blame me. but this is for you tweeters in the front holding me up at the green light because you're trying to look at someone's twitpic of their cat...POW, take your ass on.

Friday, March 19, 2010

manfive friday #35. . .

i have a "turning on the lights" problem, so i usually use my tv to illuminate the room as i roam around. i turned on my tv the other night, like i always do. it was on the "Frank & Wanda" show, a local radio show that airs in the morning then later broadcast the taped show on a local atlanta channel. their guest this morning was a pastor who was spewing all this garbage about women submitting to their man. now don't get me wrong, i'm all about women submitting..but within reason. this dude was saying, "a woman should always submit to her man...even if he's lousy, he makes bad decisions, he is not driven by faith". i think all those qualities are definite reasons why a woman should NOT submit a man. not to get all holy on yall. but a leader has to earn the right to lead, go ask Barack.

manfive friday #35 topic of the week: why & when it's okay to relinquish control to your man...

this post isn't about yall submitting. it's moreso a guide to why or instances where you should step back and let a man be a man. let my girlfriend tell you, i'm as chauvinistic as a big balled caveman. she used to tell me all the time all i wanted was a woman barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen. and to be completely honest, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. not saying that is the only place for a woman. not saying that is a role that she must wear as her only badge. just saying there is nothing wrong with wanting a woman to do some of the traditional things that women used to do.

i touched on this briefly in my "young chick" post where i said a woman, "doesn't want to let a man be a man". and think about it. women have had to step up their roles these past few decades. it stopped being about the man being the provider. it's stopped being about the man being the protector. it stopped being about the man making things better for his woman. women have taken on a more hands-on role in everything. yes, it's a sign of the times. but it's also to blame for the way many women react to men. i know a lot of you think "chivalry is dead". and to a lot of men it is because women won't allow or don't expect you to do things. in fact i was on twitter and happen to follow a link to one of my twitter friend's website, and she's going in on men & women doing better. and i definitely agree with her, check it out here.

here are a few instances where you should let go of the reigns and just trust in someone else.

#5: definitely in marriage/long term relationships...

let a man take care of you. stop being so set on being "independent" that you lose track of the fact that yes, you should be able to handle your own. but you should be able step back and look at the bigger picture. just like we can't walk through the same door at the same time. just like we can't use the same toilet at the same time. just like we can't hold and write with the same pen at the same time. there comes a time, where one person has to go first. now in all those instances, being a gentleman..i'd let my lady go first. but in the same regard, when it comes to leading "us" we have to choose a leader. and yes, i agree decisions should be equally made. but just like you sign power of attorney, or you leave your life insurance to your some point you have to trust someone has your best interest in mind.

you can't work in a marriage or a long term relationship without the trust & without a leader. and there are times for you both to lead. but sometimes for the quest of oneness, it's not bad nor does it make you inferior to give up the control. you are suggested to be the weaker of the two sexes, but it's actually a stronger trait to back down then it is rebuke. again, we are under the assumption that you have a good man. that he is looking out for the best interest of both of you. and that he knows you. he knows what you'd agree with, what would make you unhappy. it's like putting your trust behind someone & saying..."we". he speaks in "we" when he makes the decisions. he talks things over with you BEFORE he makes decisions. him being the decision maker is actually an illusion, because both of you know it's both of your decisions.

#4 when it comes to the kids...

i know some of you ladies don't have this option, but for you ladies who do let go of some of that control. i know it's hard. especially if you aren't with the person. a mother is the gatekeeper to everything. which leads to mom doing everything herself. my mom cooked, cleaned, worked, everything. my mom disciplined me. my mom stopped me from going past the second mailbox down the street, my mom took me to baseball practice, my mom took me to the doctor. i am a certified mama's boy. but even though my mom's word was golden. she always let my dad tell me what i should be doing too. she always let my dad teach me life lessons & never tried to undermine him in front of me. right or wrong. the thing with kids is they have to see a united front. and they have to see that you respect the other parent. if you have a good husband/boyfriend/father to your child. allow him to teach that child life lessons too. don't control everything the child does, because it's really easy to do when your child sees you as the one in control.

my mom was putting in all the face time. she could have taken all of the credit. but she let my dad step in and make decisions. she was doing all of the daily sacrificing of her time, energy, & sanity (not to say my dad wasn't, just my mom was more hands on). if she told me, "you can't go there...". i knew asking my dad was NOT going to change that answer. for years all my dad said was, "what did you mom say?". i used to be so pissed at my mom because i felt like she was being mean, that my dad didn't care and that he would let me go. then as i got older, i found out how "uncool" my dad was about me doing shit too..that he used that, "what did your mom say?.." to throw me off his scent. both those ninjas were sitting there discussing how they could stop the fun in my life. lol. he was part of the decision making too, in fact he always delivered the harsh blows.

sometimes you have step back and let the man have some control. let him show a boy how to be a man. it may be things that you don't 100% agree with all the time. like my dad would have me in the garage sweating like a slave staining wood, out putting down wood chips outside, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash. buying my own car. paying for college myself. this is all shit that my mom could have stepped in at any time and been like.."that's my baby...". but she didn't do that. she would act sympathetic..."yanno, your dad just wants you to learn how to...". but she did not rescue me. her letting him be a man & make some decisions made me a man & a stronger person. same could be said for your little girls. her seeing a man who takes care of her, loves her, protects her..will teach her the characteristics she needs to look for in a man. her seeing you sharing in control and not brow beating & trash talking her dad takes the notion that "men ain't shit..." out of her head.

your kids are very impressionable. and everything you do in raising them contributes to the people they become. we know women are strong. a lot of you ladies are doing it on your own. and don't let no one tell you a woman can't raise a man. it happens everyday & has been for the longest. the important value to teach your son when you're on your own is although you may have had a no good ninja....they shouldn't be one. teach them what a man should be doing. show them that yes, you're doing it on your own..but you shouldn't have to. don't let a boy get in his head that it's okay to leave a woman to raise a child on their own. don't excuse it, you don't have to live your entire life bad mouthing their father. trust, the child knows who is there and who is not there in their life. say what you have to say, and move on. if you have a man in their life let him be a man who is responsible and is going to show them love, respect (not just to them, but to you too). allow them to have good examples in their life. again, this is assuming that the man respecting you & your children. if a dude don't wanna participate in their child's life let that loser miss out, because the example he'll give them isn't one you want them having anyway.

#3: when it comes time for paying...

let the man be in control of that shit. it's not about caking. it's about saying, a woman needs to be taken care of. STOP REACHING IN YOUR PURSE. don't start it, don't initiate it, don't act like it's an option. if that dude can't afford to take you out, a movie, some mcdonalds, parking meter..whatever then stay in. never be in control of that. even if you ask him out on the date. if yall are out and "he forgot his wallet", you pay for your half and let him figure out what the fuck he's gonna do. dating/courting is about showing effort. if you're with a broke dude and all he can afford is yall to watch tv, yall stay yall ass in and watch tv. if you wanna catch a movie and go dutch, go with a chick friend. if you wanna catch a movie and pay for it, go with your mama or your kids. stop letting a man off the hook. there are tons of things he can do for free or on a budget. all he's showing you by checking your wallet, finances, and/or ashtray is that he's going to look at you for money again. the only exception is if yall are married and are sharing an account where all the money is the same. a gentleman will not allow you to pay for him or pick up the tab. even if you insist and grab the check. he will find a way to pay you back. it could be by buying you flowers the next day. or doing something extra special. think about it. i'm sure it's happened to you if you've ever paid for a guy who wasn't a bum.

#2: in the bedroom...

i admit, there is nothing wrong with a lady taking control in the bedroom. everyone likes to be ravished sometimes. we like the teasing, "watch what i'm going to do to you" action. but at the same time, no man likes to feel like you think he can't handle you in the sack. we all know women are in charge of sex. yall tell us when we're having it, you decide what we gotta do to get some, you decide if you're in the mood, etc. when it comes down to the loving, let him have some control. i know some of yall say, "he should just take control..." that's called rape ladies. yes, we can pick you up, throw you on the bed, & just go at it...if we know you're in the mood for that. but let your ass have had a bad day.

so if we have to take in consideration your moods & preferences. at least let us know it's okay to do certain things. let us know when you want those things, and then...let us do it. promise you this it's one of the reasons men find a chick who will do the shit you don't do. and the #1 reason women start thinking their man "won't" do certain things when it comes to sex. it's not that he doesn't do it, he just doesn't do it with you. i might have never gave you head. i might have never got at you while we were in public. i might have never thrown you up against the wall, on the table, the counter, over the banister..etc. but it's because that option was not available for me. if you're controlling the sex, the frequency, & the type you might actually miss out on the freak of your life. one night, go to your man and say..."i'm in the mood for you to take me, do whatever you like..." and watch the crazy shit he start doing. now if he's trying to shit on you...i can't be blamed for that (your dude just gross). but give him the freedom to introduce you to things he likes and wants to do to please you. stop thinking the only way you'll have an orgasm is by him licking the left side of your clit. stop telling him you only like fast sex, because you've never been with a dude who wants to take his time and make you feel good. there is nothing wrong with telling someone what you like, but give them a chance to try to please you their way sometimes.

#1: when getting to know him...

yall know i'm not gonna put yall out there to get played. i'm not saying submit to some dude you're just getting to know. i'm not saying let him be in charge of making decisions. this is simply a step to see who you're dealing with. almost like a test, but not a game (like so many of you women like to play).

this is to see where his head is at. this is when you're in the stage between "just dating" and "serious relationship". if you're getting with someone and you're not ready to completely trust them. don't give them the keys to your life. don't give up control to anyone who doesn't have your best interest at heart & that you can't trust. but in situations where you need some advice. or you want to see how he'd handle it if you did give him control. ask him what he thinks. ask him how he'd handle it. let him think you are putting it in his hands and see if he drops the ball. again, this is not a game. i'm not telling you to just be bullshitting dude. i'm saying, honestly want to know what he'd do. honestly listen & care about what he has to say. then if it fits your life, do it. if it totally goes against what you believe, don't. either way, this is you're way of kinda seeing how he handles things. it helps him feel like he's taking care of you. it helps promote unity. and it also helps you out sometimes when you're unsure about what you want to do.

there is nothing wrong with being in control of your life, but there is also nothing wrong with having some help. in order for people to help you, YOU HAVE TO LET THEM. stop being so damn independent. we all need help, even if it's just from God.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

#twitterkills thursday 18

#twitterkills thursday topic of the week: people who use tweeting to send you subliminal messages to you..

it's like (die) i don't understand (a slow) why anyone would do (death) that. there is a difference between saying something to someone without revealing who you're talking about to everyone vs. just saying shit to aggravate, annoy, or get attention from someone.

i hate when someone is mad at me then as soon as i get on twitter or i say something they can @reply me aggressively they do. i offended this dude one time, and instead of him just hitting me up on dm or @replying to settle the shit. he took at it on twitter. it's like why come at me and not really come at me? not saying start a twitter beef. just saying if you got a problem with me and it's an open forum..say what you mean. stop hiding behind twitter. stop kinda saying what you're trying to say.

stop getting all mad and frustrated and trying to say something that will get me mad enough to text, call, or say "fuck you". all yall folks in relationships know what i'm saying. it don't even have to be about twitter. it's that loud talking when yall out some place. yanno when someone gets mad at you and they start that..."i wish people would learn how to treat other people, instead of taking them for granted all the time". that's exactly what it's like on twitter when someone gets mad at you. and want to call you out, but not quite. they want to get you angry, but then act like it wasn't directed towards you. needless to say their quest to annoy you, is annoying as fuck. those are the same people who when you say shit on twitter THINK you're talking about them. or that the shit is directed towards them. it's because in their mind, that's some shit they would do. people tend to assume you're on the same bullshit they are on.

or if they are updating you on there whereabouts, trying to make you jealous. throwing shade on you on the low. taking cheap shots at you. replying on twitter to a conversation you had with them outside of twitter. yanno the usual asshole behaviors.

please stop with(i'm) the subliminal messages (twitterkilling) it's childish, annoying, and quite frankly will not (a) make me as angry as you'd (biiiiiiiiiizztch) hope. it will just (pow) lets me know i need to (pow) ignore/unfollow your ass. (pow)

Friday, March 12, 2010

manfive friday #34

songz is my boy and all, but his ass did NOT invent sex. He did however captivate you ladies, as if he suggested shit you never seen or experienced before. so why did you chicks get all hot watching shit you should be doing with your dude anyway?

this week's manfive friday topic is:
5 misconceptions, mistakes, or suggestions why your/your man's head game isn't on point.

i don't know who started this whole, "men don't go down" shit. in some circles guys will front and act like they don't do it. maybe it's a "submission" thing, where they don't wanna seem like they are pleasing their woman. don't that sound stupid? "you don't wanna seem like you're pleasing your woman?". let's back this up fellas. most women don't even orgasm from penetration. their one organ that is specifically made for sex, is located in a sensitive almost hidden location, that you don't always stimulate during penetration. yea you can touch it with your fingers. but seriously...what feels better when a chick is giving you head her fingers or her mouth? let's get real. after a conversation on twitter with epitome & sunshinestar110 (thank them for this manfive) the statement was made: "it's 2010 who ain't eating pussy". and that's true, who isn't? i'm sure some of you ladies are sitting there thinking, "yea, he'll eat it but not for long.." this is for you ladies who are having a hard time convincing your guy to lick it before he stick it. it's for you ladies who get into it for 4.2 minutes and he's "on to the next one". it's for the ladies who are tripping yourself and don't know what the hell you're doing. here are 5 mistakes, misconceptions, and/or suggestions why you're not having oral sex as much and/or the right way. . .

#5: present a pretty package. . .

it's like fixing a plate. if you just throw a lot of stuff on a plate all sloppy and unkempt, who's gonna wanna eat it? it's gotta look good, smell good, taste good. so presentation is extremely important. keep it manicured: brazillian, landing strip, buzz, whatever your preference is. just make sure he doesn't need a comb or rake to see the good stuff. get some pretty panties. boy shorts, thongs, g-strings...don't let him pull back the sheets and you got on granny panties. making it look appealing will make him wanna play in the area more. it may start off at him just looking...then touching...then lunching. next, keep it clean. self explanatory ladies...keep it clean & sweet. if you can smell it, trust...we can smell it. don't think that odor is just something you smell. no toilet tissue bits, no "surprise, i'm on my period", no yeast infections..i'm saying. we don't like those kind of surprises. make sure you're on point down there. yall got all that sweet smelling stuff from bath & body works, victoria secret, l'occtaine..use that shit. if you know you're about to try to get some, grab some of those summer's eve wipes, a wash cloth something. make the experience enjoyable, trust if he goes down there and sees some unsavory stuff he's not gonna wanna do it again.

same goes for him, if you're gonna give him the "midas touch" tell him to manicure his shit. tell him to put on some drawz without holes, shit skids, or some that he hasn't had on since last week. no ashy dick or musty balls either. make him, make you want it as well. cause you ladies be watching. yall will crotch stalk the shit out of a dude if you can see it. so just like you'd love him to grab you while you were laying on the bed and just go in. if you see something you like, pounce him and go for it. let him know he's not safe walking around with that "thing".

#4: act like you want it. . .take your time

now that we got presentation out the way...the next problem and one of the biggest turnoffs with head, is feeling like someone is just down there out of duress. if a man really doesn't want to be giving it to you. he's gonna be down there licking you like you taste like an expired battery. it's gonna be quick, fast, sloppy, and all over the place. but wait, it goes both ways ladies. if you aren't feeling it, you're gonna be down there sucking on his head only, licking like you got a stiff tongue and avoiding the balls like they are parsley on a plate.

the key to enjoying it more & making the other person enjoy it more, is acting like you want it. acting like you like it. being creative & taking your time. when it comes to receiving head from him. keep it sexy & make him want it. he already wants it, but make him think it's the best thing in the world and he must taste it. kiss it. lick it. wrap your legs around his head. like drake says, "say something baby..". let him hear you. if you like it, let him know. moan. scratch. pull his hair, head, ears. understanding that you're making someone feels good, makes you want to do it more. spice it up. pull out the chocolate syrup, honey, whip cream, ice, etc. he'll be looking at you like, "what are you gonna do with that?". walk in the room with the edible panties on..tell him "do it with no hands". and when it's time to bust..don't act like it's the most disgusting shit in the world. women will bust all over your face, down your throat, over & over again. she can drown you in her love, then as soon as she thinks you're about to do it..she moves back like it's acid rain. i'm not saying you have to swallow, but if you're gonna spit or push it away from you at least let him know that. imagine if you said you we're about to cum and dude stops and backs up 2 feet. or imagine if you did and he's all taking it like a champ then he starts spitting it out on the floor or on you. i don't think you ladies realize that it takes away from the finale a bit, when you do this. have "safe locations" for him to bust, if you're not trying to put it in your mouth. or be stealth with your spitting. if you or him are not fans of the taste use flavored lube, gels, edible paints.

#3: reach one. . .teach one

not knowing how to give head is also a deal breaker. if your man doesn't know how to do it right, tell him how you like it. he could know the basics. but each woman is different. your spots, your preferences, what actually "does it" for you is probably completely different then the next chicks. just like dicks come in different sizes, lips & clits are not the same. some women get wet like a rain forest while others stay dry like a desert. you may like licking, kissing & sucking. while the next chick might want you to get straight to the point. you might like fingers or just tongue action. or like h-town said, you might "like it slow...". whatever your preference don't think your dude is naturally going to know that. you can let him know what he's doing feels good. you can move his head around, direct him with dirty talk, or show him with your hands. if he's going too fast, licking too hard, or all together in the wrong places...tell him. he may get sensitive and think you're trying to undermine him. but a real man, is going to adjust to make it feel good for you. play the instructor game tell him to, "just kiss it..". let him ease into it. once you start getting wet, moaning, moving along with him..he'll start thinking he doing some shit. try intense sessions of "teaching". it will benefit him with his skills..and would you be opposed to prolonged head? i'm saying. . .

on the flip side, just like you want him to take his time, when you get to him stop acting like his dick is metal pole & it's cold outside. don't stay stuck to one location. yes, maybe you ladies have a power source with a centralized location. but you gotta go up, down & around to work the pole. listen to him. yea, we try not to say nothing. but you know when you find that spot we like we break that silence, even if it's a "aw shit...". kiss it. lick it. suck it. spit. repeat. go the extra step and show the "boys" some love. don't forget that just because you're showing the head attention that there isn't more down there. tease him with it & make him want it. you don't have to devour it, but show him that you're into and you're trying to take it all (even if you can't).

things to do together. get the games, books, videos of new ways to give head. try out different tips & tricks to make it interesting and new. try different positions and locations. maybe he don't like to do it in the bed with you on your back. but on the edge of the kitchen counter, he eating it like cookie monster. again, learning is fun when it feels good.

#2: stop sucking if he ain't licking. . .

a lot of yall are to blame for not getting head. if you're steady giving him head, but aren't getting it in return...that's your problem right there. a woman's body is not straightforward. so figuring out what you like, how you like it, the pace, the pressure to apply a job. it's a task. now for guys like myself it's a fun task and becomes second nature. but for lazy dudes...if they can get head without giving head, trust they'll take that deal. fastest way to make him realize that it's a two way street is to stop the one way giving. if he wanna act like he's not with it, both of yall can be headless. play him like he play you. let him lay his head on your lap. rub his head & push it down there. biggest mistake women make when it comes to head, is letting the dude tell you he ain't gonna do it. trust me, if he wants some..he's gonna do it.

again on the flip side. if you aren't slobbing on his knob, don't be spreading your legs like he's the only one at the picnic. it's easy to let someone do something they want/like doing and lose track that you should be returning the favor.

#1: let him know that's part of sex for you. . .

after all you have to warm up to sex right? you want foreplay right? he can't just jump in it (all the time..). it's like a car, when it's cold you gotta let it warm up right? he's gonna spend some time down there. stress that you want it. you like it. you need it. incorporate it in your dirty talk. let him tell you what he likes & want you to do to him. then you turn it around and tell him what you like & want him to do to you. tell him how good it makes you feel. tell him "graphically" what you want him to do. and trust, he'll be trying to do it because it'll turn him on. the key is getting him to enjoy it so he wants to do it. if he can't get enough of the taste. he can't stop thinking about doing it. you'll get so much head you'll start pushing him away. oh yes, it happens. and if you've never been overwhelmed by head, then you aren't with the right dude.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

#twitterkills thursday #17

this week's #twitterkill is dedicated to all those people who can be your friend outside of twitter, but not on twitter. like really what is that shit about?

today's #twitterkills thursday topic: "why we ain't friends on twitter, bitch".

i mean there are tons of ppl i do not friend on twitter, that i know are on twitter. could be i just don't like you. could be i just don't want you in my business. could be you're boring as fuck. could be a variety of reasons. i'm not talking about selective discrimination. i'm saying people who you know for real, could even follow you on twitter, but you don't acknowledge their ass.

first off, if they follow you...but you don't follow them. you wrong. if they are your friend outside of twitter, bite the fucking boring bullet and friend them on twitter. ain't nothing crazier then someone you'd hang out with, see here & there...but won't follow back on twitter. i know they may be annoying. i know they may drive you crazy, but if they are you actual friend and you do deal with them...what are you doing beside being an ass by not following them back?

next, if you shout-out ALL your other friends. if you say, me and @_goldenmind_ are at dave & busters about to superman these hoes in "dance dance revolution" and @juiceboxbunny is also with yall...why the fuck you only shout out one person? you wrong as fuck for that.

lastly, all you twitter love haters, who "don't want people in your business" and won't follow, tweet, or act like you're with your boyfriend/girlfriend *mean mugging* my girlfriend for being on super stealth mode when she's with me like she can't let her other boyfriend know. yes, i'm a tad bitter cause i think it's stupid. if i'm supposed to claim you in front of everyone, why is twitter so different? next time we go out to the movies you walk 5 people behind me, pay your own ticket, sit 3 rows in front, & call a cab. cause "i don't want people in my business" at the movie theater either.

when we're together her twitter whereabouts are unknown. but let her ass get back to the airport:

when she's with me..twitter timeline looks like a ghost town, then. . .

@superstealthgirlfriendwhodon'tfollowme: chilling in this airport.
@superstealthgirlfriendwhodon'tfollowme: walking over to chick-fil-a in this airport
@superstealthgirlfriendwhodon'tfollowme: talking to this lady at the counter, she told me her twitter name is @ladyatthecounter, now i follow her.
@superstealthgirlfriendwhodon'tfollowme: waving @ladyatthecounter, hey girl!
@superstealthgirlfriendwhodon'tfollowme: getting on the airplane, so many people!
@superstealthgirlfriendwhodon'tfollowme: currently following these new people on the plane...@ladywiththebaby @manwhocoughsonmyneck @flightattendantwithdrinks
@superstealthgirlfriendwhodon'tfollowme: can't wait to get home so i can hang out with @randombitchfriend @randomfriend @randomfriendofbitchfriend @coolfriendwhohangswithrandombitchfriend @randomcousin @randomcoworker @randombitchfriendwhoisNOTevenontwitter!

get my drift? she won't say shit to me, about me, around me..but let her ass get some place else and on any day without gps i could find her location and snatch her up by her hair. i'm gonna start tweeting i'm with my other twitter friends WHILE i'm with her. let her go twitterstalk me and see that shit. be just doing that shit for "shits & giggles".

@studiogenius: me and @mzaunatural stealing lobsters out the lobster tank at red lobster
@studiogenius: me and @_blac_star dressed as slaves at this years annual KKK meeting
@studiogenius: me and @100K are at "hoe's gone wild 2010"....

i bet she'd be like..."wtf?" but anyway, i'm #twitterkilling you... yes dear, you're getting #twitterkilled & #twitterkilled w/ no condom (might i add..)

aw baby i like it raw......POW

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

#tellthetruth tuesdays..

this is a topic that is going to get most of yall mad at me. why is that? because most of yall are under 28. what am i gonna tell the truth about today?


first off i'll start with a disclaimer. i realize that you are young. i realize that you still have growing to do, experiences to experience, lessons to learn, mistakes to make. i know it's unfair from a older perspective, a male point of view, & because i've already stated before young chicks need Jesus. i love yall. i really do. but i'm just telling the truth. . .

my gripe with young chicks?

yall are selfish. yall don't know what you want. yall don't think you have to give to get. yall think that your goals are the only goals that matter. yall don't listen. yall think you know everything. yall don't compromise. yall don't appreciate shit. yall don't know how to be treated. yall don't know how to let a man be a man. yall don't know how to communicate.
yall don't cook. yall don't want to be in the house.

waiting for the booing & hissing.

in a nutshell.. yall just don't wanna work with me, yall wanna do it yourself & still be with me. unlike your older sisters you haven't learned that being out for self will leave you by yourself. and yes, maybe when you're younger, it is the time you SHOULD be selfish and out for yourself. but again, if you're out for yourself, be by YOURSELF. no one wants to waste time with a chick who don't know what she wants, unless they're wasting time themselves. but if they're wasting time themselves you get mad because you then expect them to wife you after you've been together for a few years.

newsflash, if a guy is wasting time with'll never be his wife. he'll stay with you for 6-8 years and marry the next chick he dates after a month. a selfish chick can give you a lot of things, except the desire to want to be with her.

again, just telling the truth.

Friday, March 5, 2010

manfive friday #33

don't push me..cause i'm close to the edge/ i'm trying not to lose my head/ ah-huh-huh-huh - GRANDMASTER FLASH

today's manfive friday topic: how to rescue your man from jumping off the edge (and save your relationship)

i say this a lot, that you women are the backbone of our existence. yes some may argue you're the breast bone, but i think the role you play in our lives is bigger than just being our companion. you help us stand, you help us walk through life, you keep us on our feet. but sometimes. . . you push us to the edge. some women take the power of knowing that we love them, and abuse it.

when a woman knows you're her man. when she knows you aren't going anyplace. you aren't straying. you aren't leaving. you aren't visiting greener pastures. she gets to a point where she starts neglecting. not all women. not all things. but honestly when you get comfortable, you stop worrying about your behavior. you stop trying to do the little things you would have done before if things weren't so stable. how do you save your relationship and you're man from jumping ship after you've gotten too comfortable in the relationship?

this is a woman's guide to winning back your man and relationship by doing these five simple tips. . .

tip #5: take his complaints seriously. . .

like anything else, talking about shit you aren't gonna do doesn't scare anybody. if you think he's not going to leave you, he just keeps talking about it. then that "threat" holds little to no weight when he barks out his ultimatum. don't think because you got away with it 1, 2, even 5 times that the 6th time he's still just blowing smoke. you could find yourself in a very unfavorable situation.

if your man complains you don't take him seriously. if he says you don't believe in his dreams. if he tells you that you're not doing what he needs you to do for him. if he complains about his basic needs, listen. this is the fastest way for a man to get fed up. think about it...if you think he's not giving you enough time. he's not giving you enough attention. he's not taking your feelings into consideration. it's only so many times you're gonna sit back and take that. men are more headstrong about getting their needs taken care of. a lot of times you ladies sit back and negate your needs and hope he'll change. while men tend to realize they won't get what they need from you and move on. be careful about ignoring his complaints. you can't say you didn't know if he's told you time & time before.

tip #4: don't lose focus on him. . .

this is something women feel men do often. yet, when they do it and don't think of it in the same manner. yes, i know you're independent. yes, i know there are things you want outside of me, outside of us, outside of a family. yes, we both have jobs, wants, desires, & dreams. but just like you complain about me working and taking time out for you. just like you complain about me friends getting in the way of our time. just like you want to be one of the most important things/people in my life. remember that you owe your man the same respect.

i always complain about the "new woman". the woman who doesn't want to stay home. the woman who doesn't want to take your last name. the woman who doesn't want to have more than 3 kids. the woman who doesn't want to cook. the woman who doesn't see the traditional role of women as favorable or even doable. this is NOT turning into a new woman debate, if you would like me to dedicate a post to my ideology on this i would love to and get your opinions and hate mail. what i'm saying in this post is... a lot of times when women get to the point where they have tons of things going on in their life. they miss the important shit, just like MEN do. if you're working too much. if your goals are set on high and are first in your life. if you have issues or problems that make your man an oversight. he begins to feel alone in the relationship.

what happens when you feel alone? you look to someone else for companionship. doesn't even have to cheating. it could be in a form of a friend, family, his work. he can check out on you too. it's alright to want things and to work towards things. just remember the people in your life and give them that time, respect, & attention. don't ever get too busy that you lose focus on the people in your life and the things they need from you.

tip #3: try to avoid predictability. . .

there is a difference between being dependable and being boring. if i can depend on you to always do this. if i can depend on you to always tell me the truth. if i can depend on you to always support me. ok. that's great. that's something i look for in a woman. but if everything you do is predictable. if everything you do is unchanging in every situation. then you'll bore the fuck out of me. if i know that you're always going to react this way, NO MATTER WHAT I DO OR SAY. if i know your habits are unchangeable: no matter how much i complain, ask nicely, or try to compromise. what is going to make me want to continue to deal with you?

there has to be changes made, and they can't all be by me. if i know how the night is going to go. if i know that no matter my mood or how i try to switch something up, you're gonna do the same thing over and over. where is my motivation? if i know that slaving cleaning and decorating my place. going out and buying flowers. thinking of dishes to cook you. making a sexy play list. is going to lead to us just going to sleep like normal. where is my motivation? if i know telling you how i feel is going to lead to you looking at me, and not saying nothing. when you start to expect a reaction from someone. when you start to expect them to act a certain way. if you start to expect the same behavior, reaction, ungratefulness, etc. it gets boring and tiresome.

if you aren't going to add any spice to the relationship? why would i? if there is no spice, we're just a bland fucking mess right? step out of your "me" zone and do something different.

tip #2: show your appreciation. . .

add something to your relationship. sometimes we like to see it too. don't think that we don't want a little extra in our stocking. men go out get you little gifts, buy you flowers, spend extra trying to impress and take you places. think about it...what do you do to put a smile on his face? other than giving him sex? i'm not saying enable the male gold diggers. don't go spending your rent money on some fucking jordans. i'm just saying that we appreciate effort too. we appreciate seeing that you care. or that you're trying to go the extra mile for us. we appreciate you wearing that outfit that we ALWAYS compliment you on. we appreciate you making our favorite meal. we appreciate you buying that "thing" (whatever that thing is..) that we've been talking about getting for the past 3 months.

women think that just because we're suppose to be the provider that there aren't things they can provide for us. sex is great. and please give us sex. please step up your sex game. please step up your freaktastic phone sex game. please tease us, please us. not saying to abandon that. just saying outside of sex. outside of the usual shit, we like to feel special too sometimes. we like to know you're listening. my girl can say she saw something on tv, in a store, in passing. and signs go off in my head..that "hey, i'm going to get that for her". mind you it's not a request for me to get it, because to me when ppl request you get shit it takes away from the "thought" of the gift in my opinion. but if i know she wants something and it's not totally unreasonable, then getting it to make her smile is something that makes me smile. try it out. next time you're dude says he wants some stupid part for his car. or a hat. he can't wait to get Halo 5. his favorite candy that may be hard to find. whatever it is...if you go out your way to make him happy, (if he's a good man) he'll return the favor.

tip #1: be devoted. . . don't ignore the problem

don't ignore the problem. it will not go away. be devoted to fixing your problems, issues. be devoted to understanding his concerns. be devoted to making it work. shit isn't easy. therefore you have to invest your time & energy into helping make things go the way they need to go. show him that you see he's frustrated. show him that you see he's unhappy. show him you see he needs more from you. show him the effort. show him you will change. show him you will compromise. look at it through your his eyes. the things you're doing. the problems he has, if the shoe was on the other foot. how would you feel? show him that life with him is worth your time & you're willing to step out and pull him back in.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

#twitterkills thursday #16

okay today's topic is brought to you by the people who are defined by their twitter. no, this is very different then the people who's lives revolve around twitter. these are the people who get twitter famous and twitter starts to define who they are.

i know you've seen them. the one's who you'd assume would have a verified account. you'd assume to see them on tv, a movie, a music video, a magazine cover, or hear them on the radio. simply because they talk big shit. they are the one's with the bio lines that read like a "who's who" list of importance. yet, you struggle to understand where their fame is. they could even have 3000 followers reinforcing their foolish idea of fame. like seriously 3000 people have been fooled into thinking this person is famous or could ever be.

today's #twitterkills thursday topic is: people who are too famous for twitter & themselves.

i saw a dude tweet the other day, "why don't struggling artist try to join the illuminati to bolster their career". what part of, "exclusive" club don't you understand? just because YOU think you're destined for fame, talented writer, singer, producer, model, actress, actor, etc.. does not make you one. read the bios of people who are doing shit. there is NEVER a "i'm this/i'm that..." you just know they are. you only see D-list actor, singers, etc. putting that shit in their twitter bio.

my twitter bio reads: " i've been fu©king this chick named music circa '76... "

you can take what you want from that. you can think i'm a established musician. a basement producer. a struggling artist. an intern. errand boy. a secret superstar. i like to fuck chicks name music. whatever the fuck you wanna take from that. take it. it's not there to impress or brag. it's just a bio statement that if you know me describes me. please people choose your bio statements wisely. you never know when one might get you #twitterkilled. or #twittermocked.

POW-pow-you un-famous bitch Pow.