Tuesday, June 30, 2009

i ain't had sex in a long time....

statement's true, but was actually taking that from the drake song. "i ain't had sex in a long time...i ain't had sex in a long ass time..i aint had sex in a long time...are we having sex tonight?"..

women have it much easier than men. i'm saying, we are just naturally built for sex. like if our body isn't getting it, it goes into "crazy mode" and starts reverting to 15 y/o status. being a grown man and waking up with a monument in your pants is not where it's at. i'm getting like dude on "American Beauty" the highlight of my morning is shower massaging. i'm saying operating in a long distance relationship is hard for a lot of reasons. it's not all bad, but yanno the sex part is a problem. what i don't understand is, why do women think they have the lock on being faithful tho? because from my experience i've dealt with cheating chicks. but for some odd reason women think that they are trustworthy and you aren't. i'm serious. why tell me "i know you got something going on...because you haven't been having sex". excuse me, but you haven't been having sex either...right? do you have something going on? just cause i got a automatic trigger you think i'm firing up on every chick i see? where is the trust? why must i justify myself and what i've been doing when i never ask you what you're doing. i never assume you're with someone else. but since you're so worried..maybe i should huh?

this goes back to my problem with chicks having "male friends". because for some reason they can have a million male friends, hang with co-workers, talk to random dudes for their friends. but let you mention a friend that doesn't have a dick to your chick. it can't be done. you're automatically fucking her, interested in her, or she's a potential girl who wants to get with you. and it's like..come on. do you think i'm that hot? every chick wanna get with me, huh? let's get serious. it gets to a point where they think your flirting with the check out girl at the grocery store. i'm saying..yea she can get me some groceries, but for real? just cause the black chick hooked me up at the rib shack don't mean her number was on my fries box. what's up with the insecurity/jealousy? women HATE when you ask them about other guys. but stay being jealous about some chick on your myspace, twitter, facebook, Blogger, etc.. and what makes them the maddest..let the chick have her shit on private and she can't read what she's saying to you.

relationship fail.

Friday, June 26, 2009

R.I.P. Michael Jackson

there isn't another artist who influenced me more. from the time i was born, michael jackson was music to me. i remember at one of my birthday parties dancing and entertaining everyone in my red leather jacket. me & my cousin used to have dance battles on who could moonwalk the best. in fact my cousin is a dancer today, because of michael jackson.

a few months ago i was listening to the thriller album, and jamming out. and i proclaimed, that michael jackson is a genius. this man wasn't just a singer. an entertainer. a songwriter. a producer. a dancer. a choreographer. a engineer. a composer. he did it all. his videos were original, fresh, creative, & unique. it doesn't matter what you thought about him as a person, as an entertainer there was no mistaking who was the King of Pop. the guy who had grown ass men fainting & crying. the guy who could walk into any store in any country and cause mass hysteria. the guy who was misunderstood because of his kind spirit. the thing is, if you ever had a problem with him it was because of situations that didn't even involve you. it was because of speculation, rumors, or accounts based on your views of how he was perceived, not how he was.

i had the honor to meet him. i remember walking in the studio and he was sitting there and my heart stopped. i couldn't talk. i looked at him and said, "dude you're michael jackson...i'm standing in here with michael jackson". and all he did was laugh. there was no ego. there was no weirdness. there was just a man. a musical genius. someone who was so far ahead of the game, that he didn't even have to record anymore. his music is timeless. he will live forever, because his put his soul into everything he ever did.

thank you michael for inspiring me. thank you for putting the love of music in my heart and nurturing it. thank you for creating something that means so much to so many people. you will forever be my musical mentor.

ManFive #3

wasn't really feeling it today, but my mind is running rampant and i need to do something constructive. so no questions just 5 observations manfive style.

topic of the week: 5 reasons we're glad we aren't women...

#5: yall have to sit to pee...

manfive reasoning: how the hell yall do this EVERY TIME you go to the bathroom i have no idea. bathrooms are so filthy. at least the men's room is disgusting. so kudos to yall for being able to squat & piss. cause the bubble gut kills me everyday cause i REFUSE to use public restrooms.

#4: Physically yall are weaker..

manfive reasoning: imagine a world where at any moment yall could beat our ass? i'm mean seriously i know there are some punks (cause they aren't men) that beat up on ladies. but for most of us we know it's not right to hit yall. but if chicks we're stronger yall would be beating our ass all day long. because yall mean.

#3: Periods..

manfive reasoning: from the way yall go on and on and on it seems like some real painful shit. no need to explain any further ladies, i believe you..i'm sorry. i'm so glad i can wake up every day of the month & wear the same kind of drawz. i'm so glad 365 /24/7 i am available to get busy without any problem. some of yall so nasty yall do that anyway tho huh?...*smh*

#2: Pregnancy..

manfive reasoning: i love yall for it. carrying something moving & kicking in me sounds like a nightmare. like on "spaceballs" where that alien comes out the dudes stomach in the diner. that shit looks cute on yall. but i'm just down for the sympathy weight. my skin shivers every time i think of that episode of "the cosby show" when the men got pregnant. and it was hell...and they we're bitching. and it wasn't till it was time to deliver that any of them thought about where the baby was actually gonna come out. *passes out on the floor*..Bold

#1: yall gotta deal with us..

manfive reasoning: if i had to deal with dudes all the time and the shit we be on....MAN. but yall learn (sometimes to hard way) how to deal with us, how to understand us, how to ignore us...etc. this is some shit we couldn't do. if yall acted like us...we'd be a dead culture cause we would not reproduce. seriously.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

who the hell asked you?

remember before the internet (who remembers that shit, really?)...before people started becoming blog celebrities? opinions we're valued as important. these days like assholes, everyone has them, and most of them are shitty.

i admit i am very opinionated about a lot of things, but i however am not under the illusion that anyone gives two flying fucks. i frequent blogs, and pretty much prefer real life observation vs. who someone i don't know is dating. i like opinions with some sort of humor & substance. i am a self proclaimed nobody, because in the spotlight of the industry i am known strictly behind the scenes. meaning i'm that dude who'll walk right up to someone famous hug them then go back to my seat...and you hear someone whispering trying to figure out who the hell i am. so i find myself in situations all the time where ppl do not realize who i am, or what i do. can't tell you how many conversations i've had with someone and they started hating on one of my songs. again, i respect constructive criticism. what i don't respect is people who think they have Phd's in music. it's like ok, i understand you don't like it. i understand why you say you don't like it. i hear what your problem is...but now that you've said it what is that suppose to mean to me? and what tears me up is that when i come back at them from my perspective they always get mad and tell me "the consumer has a right to their opinion". that's when i look at them and be like, "bitch you didn't buy that shit you downloaded it, you are NOT a consumer".

so recently, this dude..i won't say no names. he acts like he doesn't read my blog, but i know he does. he also acts like he don't know who i work for, which i know he knows. me and him are cool, don't get me wrong. but i gotta call out a nigga. and yes i said nigga. i be trying to use "ninja" but today i gotta say it...this nigga not only reviews one of my songs. he post a link to DL it.

start rant---> one of my pet peeves is music dl, by the way. i just feel like it takes away from all the work that's put into the music. especially if it's not a hit. if it was meant to be a album song, and it was leaked beforehand, below quality, with scratch vocals, or instrumentals the song is dead. you kill the chance of it making the album, being bought on itunes, or being relative when it's time to be released. how many of you have gotten an album with a song you heard over 5months ago..because it was leaked on the internet? i'm not knocking the hustle of "beating the system", i'm just saying fair is fair. even if you dl it, if you like the artist support them and the ppl who make it happen. me, i get paid on the front end so you aren't fucking with my paper...but you are fucking with my work & the ppl who put their heart and time into this shit. <--end rant i'm not upset he doesn't like the song. i just get upset when people talk about shit and people like they know them. not only that, but bias other's opinions as if they are experts themselves. i'm a fan of not shitting where lay. why don't you tweet a DL link to some of your shit, for ppl to comment? just real talk.

let's keep the opinions to a minimal buddy before i start posting links to you're unreleased demos.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

what was you thinking?....

aiight we've all done it. we all fall into trends & fads. even us "against the grain" types like me. i did the cross colors. i had the slanted bobby brown fade. i even.....well i don't have to admit all my shameful past mistakes.

and yes i had a grill. to my defense i NEVER purchased one myself. i got several as gifts one year because everyone was getting them and thought it was the best gift idea around. i think the one thing that helps me live down all these mistakes were...they were NOT permanent.
i was raised by two traditional parents who got pissed off when i came home with my ears pierced. my dad also greeted me with..."your IQ slowly decreases w/ every tattoo you get". so in true fashion, when i got one...do you think it was one completely visible? i mean even though i like to live on the wild side (honestly i'm like arm length away from being conservative my damn self) i had limits & i thought about shit. all those dudes that went out and got grills permanently attached to their real teeth. *smh* dudes who get tattoos on their hands, faces, or anyplace you can't cover with a dress shirt, tie to go out and get a job. go shoot yourself. what the fuck was you thinking?

yea it's cool..when you're doing it. it's cool when you're in school. yea it's cool, when the chick your dating think that shit is cute. but when you walk into that job interview and your interview goes like this:

you: Hi, my name is *****
them: Hi, (brief pause) *staring at your neck*..."does that say, ruff ryder?..."
you: Um yea, that's something stupid i did when i was younger..
them: yea, i can tell..

that's your own damn fault. the man is NOT keeping you down. you just kept your self down DMX. but it's not just tattoos. it's stupid trends that also don't make no sense. like the mohawks.

i remember when i was younger and in alabama for mardi gras (little did most of yall know mardi gras actually orginiated in mobile, al...not new orleans) i saw all the guys walking around with hair faded down and an huge afro on their neck. i thought that was the WORST shit ever. and i wrote that off as some ol' alabama shit. mohawks 2009...is the reincarnate of those damn alabama afro-fades. kill that shit. you look stupid....there is nothing fly about half a random patch of hair in the middle of your head. yea i got dudes that have done it...STUPID shit. stop it.

skinny jeans. dude..you are punishing your nuts for no reason. first off..your punishing them by squeezing them into some chick's jeans. then you're punishing them by calling yourself a man then wearing some women jeans. no, you don't have to rock baggy below your knee jeans. just get some fucking jeans that fit. get your size, length, inseam. i mean you gotta be a grown as man wearing skinny jeans cause what parent would let their son..gay or not gay walk out the house like that? i'm saying...so if your grown and you wearing them KILL YOURSELF. i'm so serious right now. there is no way that style will ever be looked back on as fly. what's next leggings? let the ladies have their clothes back.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

shit mouth...

dude looks like he got yuck mouth don't he? i mean even though he's extreme brushing looks like his breath smells like toe cake metal shit bricks. this is the image i got in my head when this dude tells me, first thing he does in the morning is get up shit & brush his teeth.

is it just me, or does it seem like there needs to be at least a 10 minute window between when you're sticking your hand around your ass & when your sticking your hand in your mouth? i'm just saying. soap is soap. water is water. shit is shit. maybe it's me. but the first thing i do when i get out of bed is brush my teeth. hop in the shower, wash my face & body. dry off throw on some drawz and if i have to piss this is point where i handle that (unless i pissed in the shower..which of course i don't do that). i get my food, let it set and yanno hit the toilet to download some thangs. this way you are minimizing your mouth's exposure to your shit hands. after all, would you feel more comfortable seeing the guy making your food coming in the front door, washing his hands, putting on gloves & making your sandwich. or the guy walking out the bathroom, washing his hands, putting on gloves & making your sandwich. clean is clean....but shit hands is NOT the same

Friday, June 19, 2009

ManFive Friday #2

round #2. still trying to get the hang of this, so hopefully i'll be improving on the readability and maybe making more sense.

week's two topic is: why can man dish it, but can't handle it being served? (donated topic by: beyond danielle, thanks!)

so this week i'll try to answer only questions related to this topic and then give you a man guage at the end. onto question #1...

1. Why can a man ask you where you've been, answer your phone, tell you when to be home..but when countered with the same question scoff in your face?

manfive answer:--> because men like to feel in control. in the back of their mind, it's not that they think your cheating. it's the fact they don't like not knowing where you are. it's like knowing your keys are in your pocket, just one pat away. then all of a sudden you've misplaced them. and you're like..."WTF are my keys?" not to compare women to keys, but i'm saying...it's a vital part of your day. things go wrong, "where my keys?". need to go, "where's my keys?"

switch it up and ask dude where he's been..that's a shit storm waiting to happen. it's because we aren't the "keys". we are the "car". true, we need yall to get started, but yall know "sometimes" you can start a car w/o keys. you asking where he is like your asking where he parked the car. it's just annoying as fuck.

2. Why does a man expect for a woman to cook, clean, take care of the kids when she's sick...but when countered with the same ailments he is out for the count?

manfive answer:--> blame it on GREAT mothers. men are predisposed to getting treated like kings when they are sick. nevermind their mom was sick too but still got up with them at night. cooked and cleaned and made sure everything was fine. not to mention men only play sick when it's not that serious. whenever it's really serious..we still go to work. we still wanna go fishing, bowling, play ball, whatever. ­

women on the other hand. i give it to yall..for your kids & your man yall will brave all sickness like champs. but let yall period come on. i'm not in any way taking away from your monthly visitor. but you'd think that bitch took out a battleing ram with ninja razors and cut the fuck out of yall. i think because we don't feel your pain we don't get how every month you should get a free pass to bitch as us & stop doing your daily super women task.

3. Why can a man say whatever he want about your appearance, your role as his "woman", what he does & doesn't like about you...but when countered with the same get pissed off?

manfive answer:--> because men are stupid. first and foremost, a dude talking about you should be an indication that you shouldn't be fucking with them dude is mr. selfesteemkiller.com, and more than likley just insecure himself.

but if it's just little loving jabs here & there...it's only because as men we don't see the seriousiness behind image. most times we don't care about ours, so when we say things it's not to kill your self esteem it's cause we were either gonna talk about being hungry or how your ass looks like it got just a tad bit bigger since yesterday.

4. Why can a man tell you how to deal with your male friends, but don't want you to say shit about his female friends?

manfive answer:--> i actually think this question is more skewed the other way. as men we aren't allowed to have female friends. any friend w/o a dick is someone we could possibly fuck in the eyes of women. so i'll start off this answer with the male reason first. men try to justify their relationships to women. they know how jealous you get. they know how untrusting you are. so they try to let you know who this chick is. they try to let you know the history and make you comfortable with the friendship. so when you question us about a chick we've pretty much given you a blood sample, ss#, current & passed addresses too..so we're like WTF?

back to chicks with male friends. as men we know how to sniff bullshit. we know when your gay friend ain't really gay. yea, we call him gay too..but that ninja will bisect his ass the first drunken night he gets. we also know these childhood friends who've been stuck in the "friend zone" who've been waiting their time to get with you..we see them too. you don't see it, but we see it! so when he wants to meet you for lunch every week...we're like WTF?

5. Why will a man tell you what you need to be doing around the house, but when it comes time for the trash to be taken out, grass to be mowed, something to be fixed he's sleep surrounded by empty beer bottles?

manfive answer:--> that's simple who likes to work? it's always easier to tell somebody else what needs to be done, then to do what you need to be doing. as men we are preconditioned to want everything nice & ordered. however we don't want to be the person who does that. so how do things get "nice"? you know the "nice fairy" gets up at 6am starts cleaning, washing, cooking, taking care of the kids..we wake up and it's done. if we choose to believe it was the "nice fairy" and not you..you gonna spoil our delusion? it's like telling a kid santa claus isn't real!

as for us, there is no excuse for dudes who are just laying around the house doing nothing all day. but for dudes with jobs, we come home and want a break. we don't wanna think about how that shelf has been leaning for 2 months. we are good with stepping over the buckle in the floor. the garage does need to be cleaned out, but we aren't having any garage parties soon. besides isn't that why we have kids?..

<----ManFive Gauge---->

Sorry Ninja Says: "it's not about me & what i do...."

Real Man Says: "i know i'm not perfect, in fact sometimes i'm selfish."


am i the only one who remembers this movie? i swear cause i was looking for a picture to describe what i was feeling right now. and i can't remember if these little creatures we're high and i was just too young & lame to realize. but when i saw the movie poster i was like...why not.

but the point of this post is i'm eating like a fat kid at a candy camp. i'm currently on some steroids to strengthened my optic nerves and the biggest side effect i have is joint pain, stomach pain, & EXTREME hungriness. i mean i am so hungry it makes no sense. i've gained like 7 pounds since friday (i was weighed on wed.). and all i want is more food. my DR. keeps telling me it's cool...let your body do what it's gonna do. but come on.. last time this happened i gained like 30lbs. just letting it happen..could go into a list of other things that just happen as a result, but this ain't the time nor will my food loving fingers allow me to do so cause i''m steady looking for something else to eat.

i just ate my son's doughnuts. which he wont notice till the morning. when i give him his pop tart, grapes, cereal & juice. he'll eat that, play around then about 20 minutes later ask for a doughnut. which i will then have to say, "they are all gone". he will then look at me like, "wtf"...cause he calculates his food and how much is left. i have NO idea how he does it, or why. maybe he got that selfish gene from his mama. but he's gonna be on my ass about those doughnuts in the morning. but right now i'm steady trying to find SOMETHING else, and these grapes are not doing the job.

why doesn't healthy food give you the same buzz?

Friday, June 12, 2009

ManFive Friday #1

ManFive Friday, is the day where i'm officially giving you ladies answers to five questions relating to men that boggles the female mind. no you don't need to buy any self-help books, don't have to frequent "why do men..." google search, don't have to sit & stew in your own frustration anymore. each friday i'm going to give you free advice, free admission, & no holds bar insight into the male brain. if there is anything specific you want answered feel free to hit me at: studiohijacker @ gmail {dot} com. hopefully you realize i spaced it & {} it to reduce spam. if you don't figure it out, it's probably better you didn't hit me up anyway, because i already know your question is stupid.

the way it'll work is, there is a question. then there is a general reason to why men feel this way. followed by a stupid man answer & a real man answer. this is a "man gauge" i'm giving you ladies.

this week topic: what men do, want, & expect from women.

Question#1. why do men expect women to forgive them for everything?

{manfive response:} men like to be forgiven. it makes you feel like there is some sort of understanding. men like to be understood. whether sports, techincal support, opinions, etc. we like to know that you have an understanding where we are coming from. so when we do something, and we do say sorry, we want to know that you understood what we did, why we did it, and it won't come back up. that can only be achieved if we are forgiven. also because God told you to. i'm saying you trying to question his authority? he says, forgive but nothing about excusing it. if you're with a man who loves you, does right by you & made a imperfect move then forgive him. make him show you he's sincere, afterall that's the only way God forgives. so why would you be more forgiving than God? thing is you're not & can't. you aren't actually forgiving him. you're still mad but you're now in the process of letting him slide through you're life like he's swag surfing. first part of forgiving is accountability. if a person is not held accountable, does not accept accountability, or is a repeat offender..send him on his way. he'll never respect you enough to stop doing it, if you don't let him know it's not ok. in this case

test your man on the "man gauge"....

{sorry ninja says:} i keep you laced in the freshest shit. i take care of you & "your", "mine", "our" kids. "you know i love you girl.....she ain't mean nothing".

--->downside to this response: those are all things he should do anyway. don't let a brother make you think just because he's taking care of his responsibilities he shouldn't be held accountable.

{real man says:} this is what i did. this is why i'm sorry. here is why you should forgive me.

Question#2. why are mama's boys either your dream come true or your nightmare?

{manfive response:} everything depends on the mama. women are a vital part of a man's life. i teased with an earlier post, "why men need women..". but seriously the bond between a child & their mother is a powerful thing. there are great mama's boys & there are awful mama's boys. there is also a catagory that is unknown...that is the "coddled" group. guys in the "coddled" group are NOT mama's boys. i repeat, they are NOT mama's boys. most times they don't even like their mama. they don't appreciate her, they are the one's who stay out in the street, bring drugs & hoes in their mama's house, stay in & out of jail. you can "love" someone without respecting them. you can't be a mama's boy if your don't respect your mama. so spray them with invisible spray.

the good mama's boys are usually taught by their mother how to treat women. if not a direct lesson, it's the way she conducts herself around other men. meaning, if she got 4 boyfriends and they all cheating, beating, & using her she is teaching her son how to treat women he encounter. i believe in personal responsibility, which would mean these men should then use their common sense and learn from that how NOT to treat women..but if they are a mama's boy more than likly they will be a victim of that awful cycle. which is how mama's boys go wrong. this is how they become "nightmares". because you now have a guy who has been used to seeing his mama persevere from bad treatment, sometimes leaving the impression that "it's okay" to treat women that way. you also have the "i want to marry my mama" mama's boys who want you to be a carbon copy of their mom. they honestly want to marry their actual mom, but sex with her would be kinda yucky..most times it means you'd have to be under his mom's thumb. they are the one's who if their mama don't like you, it's a wrap. they are the one's who you get in a fight they say one thing, then 15 minutes of being in the room with the door closed they come out with a whole other point of view..and you're standing there like who the fuck just tag teamed you in this argument?

the other type of mama's boy is the kind that had a positive female presence in his life. she taught you how to treat women, how not to treat women, and what you should do for a woman. they usually listen to their mama because they respect her opinion, but they aren't binded by her approval. the right kind of mother will teach you to be a man & respect you as a man. meaning, she will trust your judgement, respect your house, & respect whoever you choose to be with. she's the mama that will never make you feel uncomfortable. she's the one who will tell her son, when he needs to do better by you. she's the one you can talk to & although you know she's gonna support him at the end of the day she'll do her best to console you. those types of mama's are the one's who make boys that grow into men and love & respect their women. i know cause i'm one.

test your man on the "man gauge"....

{sorry ninja says:} "where your money? bitch my mama said ain't no ninja do shit for her when we was growing up. them kids don't need no money you just want some money to get your hair done. get to fuck outta here.."

--->translation: i gave my mama all my money this week. i think it takes $20 to take care of 3 kids/month. so i'll be damn if you take care of them by yourself and use the change to get your weave fixed. asking me for some money...wtf

{real man says:} "i want you to meet my mom..." and then he introduces you as the other very important woman in his life.

Question#3. why won't your man commit, do you right or marry you?

{manfive response:} men are gonna treat you the way you let them treat you. if you walk into the relationship and everything is "all fun", then just because it's be 3 -7 years why do you think he's grown with you? growth is gradual it's also noticable. you can tell when a man is changing his habits. you can tell when a man is looking for something different. you can also tell when your man still acts 21 and he's 41. is there something wrong with you? most times not. yet, in your relationship what are you allowing? the old saying, "he's already getting the milk, why buy the cow?". it's his failure to realize that with the cow, milk is plenty. the milk, by itself will spoil & run out. if you are doing everything in your power to do right by your man, make sure he's returning the favor. because as long as the milk is good, he's gonna be sucking on that tit (pun intended). as long as you allow him to cheat, not take you anywhere, lie, "stay single", "only get at you when you trying to give him some.." he's not gonna realize that to get you have to give. if you lie or cheat, you're not coming home. if you don't take her no where, she's gone w/ her girls. if you just want to date, she lets you go find a girl who "just wants to date". women have power in relationships. a lot more than yall realize. but yall are like luke skywalker. yall don't know how or when to use the "force". men are born with the "force". we play those jedi mind tricks on your ass. and we make you think there is no other option but to deal with it. (i use "we" loosley because of course i don't mean myself..lol). the answer to all three things is..."because you allow us not to do it..."

test your man on the "man gauge"....

{sorry ninja says:} "i'd marry you if you got your mind right..."

--->translation: as long as i make it think it's you, you won't come at me like it's me.

{real man says:} "i really want to have more with you, but i'm not ready".

--->real talk: it may not be what you want to hear, but at least he's being honest & telling you up front. it gives you the option to look for someone who is "ready".

Question#4. why do men date dumb needy chicks?

{manfive response:} simple, because dumb needy chicks need us. women these days are too independent. and yes, men say they want an independant woman. they want a chick with their own shit, can pay their own bills, etc.. yet with independence has come selfishness & abandonment of traditional roles. not saying this is true of all of you. just saying that since women don't "need men" for so many things..the roles men play in your life have changed. it's actually different situations.

#1 they don't let you be the man.

unfortunately these days women don't know what men are supposed to do, because most times they have to do it themsleves.

#2 they aren't impressed by nothing

if women can buy gucci shoes & prada bags...the coach bag you copping at macy's ain't gonna impress her much.

#3 given up hope, that a man would do anything for them

worst of the worst...decides a life alone & dating is the best life for them

#4 selfish selfish selfish

they are so used to things their way, when they want it, how they want it. they are no longer willing to give in on anything

needy dumb chicks...are completely opposite. they let you be the man, think that coach bag goes great with their baby phat, need you to "complete" them, and will pretty much let you do whatever you want, whenever you want. and will sometimes fund those endeavors.

test your man on the "man gauge"....

{sorry ninja says:} yea she dumb, she don't say much but she gives me head all night & cooked my breakfast this morning..

{real man says:} yea she dumb, she don't say much but she gives me head all night & cooked my breakfast this morning..

--->real talk: this one is actually the same response. universally we all love dumb chicks for the same reason...

Question#5. what do men expect you to know before they marry you?

{manfive response:} EVERYTHING! we want you to know how to cook, how to clean, how to be a great wife, a great mother, how throw that thing on us, how to back that thang up on us, how to turn that thang sideways on us (yall processing that right?...). as men it's unfair, but we want to know what we're getting into. i'm saying...

we go to the car dealership and get the car we want w/ the features we want.
we go the mall, store & buy exactly what we walked in there for
we order the same thing for lunch for 17 years, the same way

we go out and get what we want. if we see those qualities we want to marry you. women are so different. yall don't take things at face value . like to try to "change us". we don't really have time to mold a chick or wait for her to acquire the necessary skills. that's why catch at dude 28 -35 and he is ready to marry your ass off first date. that's when to do it ladies. a man is ready and if you show him you can be that woman he will marry you w/o any problem. just gotta show him that you are that one because there's not really a return policy. well there is a return feature "divorce", but who wants that?

test your man on the "man gauge"....

{sorry ninja says:} "i want a woman who can cook, clean, stay home with the kids, & still work a 40hr a week job...oh & keep me in jordans.."

{real man says:} "i want a woman who can take care of me, the way i plan to take care of her..."

tune in next friday to catch Manfive week #2..

Thursday, June 11, 2009

but what about my naked pictures?

first & foremost, fuck sprint. excuse me for the introductory "fuck"..i usually try to mesh nice words before i spring forth with the "fucks". but i'm saying, these dudes are some punks.

now everyone know sprint phones are the most expensive out of all the networks. this gray beauty HTC mogul, cost me over $500. because i was told that when i "bought" my 1st generation PocketPC even though i paid for it out right, it meant i had not had my current phone for more than 2 years. nevermind i didn't renew, nevermind i paid for my replacement phone outright because i didn't believe in insurance and my old phone was damaged. so basically i paid over $500 for my past two sprint phones. so after that, i decided to play the system. get the insurance whenever something wasn't right, file a claim make them bitches give me a new phone. yes, it's refurbished but if you see my phones after i've had them for like 2 weeks "newly refreshed" is fine by me.

original problem: keyboard backlight was out. camera button wasn't working. i included the camera button thing cause after i hit the counter ppl were looking at me like a punk for turning it in for a backlight problem. but i text, tweet, email in the dark...i needs my light. so dude looked at my phone for 2 minutes (i had been waiting behind two ppl for an hour prior to someone asking me why i was even there), told me he'd order me a new one. go to pick up my new one...get in my car to customize it. take programs off, make the menu smaller, arrange items so i can better function. open the phone and realize the keyboard don't work & the screen freezes. go back in like a madman, "this phone is broke!". i guess dude think he know better than me so he "tries" to fix it for 40 minutes agrees with me and orders a new one for the next day. go to pick that up...wait almost 2 hrs. get the phone. screen works. keyboard works. get it home. sync it to my computer, got my contacts, pictures, settings, etc. pop the micro SD card in, nothing. reset it, nothing. take the battery out.."found a storage card". JACKPOT. try to put ringtones back on from the card, nothing. try to open the pictures, nothing. try to stick the card in the computer..i can see the file but it's corrupt. w t f?
so i'ma need all you ladies who send me naked pictures to please email, text me, mail me some copies. it's been a hard 18+ hrs. w/o them...

"ManFive" Friday starting tomorrow...

Saturday, June 6, 2009

where would we be without women?

the cup says, "women need men like a hole in the head". but trust, men need women. they introduce us & teach us about so many things. here is my top ten things women are good for:

thing # 1o: always have toilet paper.

as a man the need for toilet paper is great, only when we have serious "bidness" to attend to. other than that, we don't think about it. i don't know how many times i've had to waddle out the bathroom, pants around my ankles...waddle down the hallway, into another bathroom to find toilet paper. in fact my uncle used to sing a little song and it went like this..."what do you do, when your stranded on the stool..and you don't have toilet paper? do you take it like a man, and wipe it with your hand..or do you use newspaper". needless to say, we get ourselves into that situation. but with women around...there is ALWAYS toilet paper. they have a "we only have one roll left" warning message that comes attached to them at birth. without women, we'd have some shitty hands...or some shitty newspaper, depends on which road you choose.

thing #9: personal stylist

yes, we complain about our women dressing us. we complain about them buying us underwear, shirts, britches, etc..but how do you think the clothes we wear get in our drawers? the dresser fairy doesn't replace your holey undies. i never had to think about what i was going to wear, there was always an hint or suggestion. always a "you could wear this....". they let you know what the attire of the evening is, "umm..you're not wear that are you?.." they tell you what to wear and what not to have on to impress their friends & family. without women we'd probably wear the same shit everyday, and turn it inside out when it got dirty.

thing #8: fighting battles/customer service shut-er-downers..

if there is a problem, with anything. who is gonna get on the phone and cuss somebody out? who is gonna wait through 3 automated prompts, two rude customer service reps, & one new manager to tell them what they need to do to fix "our" problem? a woman. cause dudes ain't got time for that shit. a woman will get on the phone w/everyone in the damn company to complain about only having 9 pieces of chicken when she KNOW she ordered a 10 piece. she want her name on the list and she IS coming back up there to get it at a later date. she's gotten the poor dude at the register fired, got his manager giving out coupons, & got corporate sending her "i'm sorry" letters. yea we hate when yall bitch at us, but go head get me some free chicken baby...

thing #7: kitchen appliances & tools

you know that heavy box of round things your mom bought you when you went off to college? the one you never opened. how about a woman will go in your cabinets, open your fridge, put one of those on the stove and make you a meal. let me introduce you to something call a "pot" & a "pan". who knew that magic circle bowl could do that? but wait...there's more! how about there are things that grind, open, slice, steam, there is actually a timer on the oven so you don't have to keep poking shit with a fork to see if it bleeds. wow....you mean to tell me i could have been having a real dinner all this time?

thing #6:

now before diddy was "preserving his sexy", raise you hand (men only) if you knew what moisturizer was? because i admit i was a floured face fool & had no idea why. face so dry i could have been a Shamwow cloth. dab some in my hand, rub it on my face. are you fucking serious? this can't be true. just a dab will do me? i thank you "mrs.X" for making my face sexy for my next chick...

thing #5: will show you who your true friends are

basically..she will do everything in her power to make you alienate your friends. doesn't want you to go drinking. doesn't want you to hang with them. thinks this one always has you around some chicks. wants all your time to be spent with her. so basically any friends who still deal with you while you're with her. are you TRUE friends. lol..

thing #4: loofahs

fuck any dude who think loofahs are for sissies. seriously. i used to scoff all the time at using a loofah. yes, i've bought tons of those bath & body works gift sets for my mom, grandma, girlfriends, cousins, etc..if you told me to use one i'd say, fuck you till the lights burn out. that was till one day i was in the shower...no cloth. asked this chick to bring me one, she returns with a loofah sponge. i told her, " i'm not using that shit..". she leaves.. i put soap on it, pressed it to my body, and lost my mind. why the fuck hadn't i been using that shit? not only does it soap up better, it gives you that scratching sensation & is faster with the body to soap application. you can say, think what you want...i gets clean with my irish springs & loofah sponge. and you never have to buy them shits cause some chick you know ALWAYS has like 40 of them, since they don't use them cause they're too busy soaking in their own dirt taking "baths" & shit.

thing# 3: there is more on
tv then sports, video games, & porn

who woulda thunk it? women get you watching crazy little shows with them that you'd never ever watch under any other circumstance. and it's instantly made ok because if one of your dudes ask you why you watching that shit you just say, "my chick made me watch it..". but it honestly opens your eyes to a lot of things & keeps you up to date with shit that's going on. don't know how many times i'll be listening to the radio in the morning and hear about some shit that happen on a tv show, or w/ someone and had NO CLUE who it was or what they were talking about. yall dudes know what i'm talking about...yanno the shows you watch and ain't suppose to be watching..."america's top model", "sex in the city", "girlfriends", "bad girl club", etc.. not saying i watch those...just saying, how you recognize Eva on the young & the restless? you ain't seen her ass in no magazine. better question how you even know she's on the young & the restless?...*smh*

thing #2: air freshers & candles

wanna know why every time you go to her place, why it smells so good? and you're sitting in your crib and it smell like shit in a sock? cause women got these things called air fresheners. naw it's not the same as the can in the bathroom. it's fans, plug-ins, discreet globes...it's what home smells like, when it really smells like a home. after being introduced to the scent of "bearable", how could i ever go back to a scentless house? yea i know it's confusing. when dudes come to my place and see the candles they think it's for the ladies. yes, partially correct. since i ain't wasting my $6 candle on their ass...but i'm saying. if you can't make your home smell good for you...who the hell can you make it smell good for? step up your game fellas...

thing #1.5: sex

ain't speaking for all guys. but for me...women do the damn thang for me. beats "handebating" any day.

thing #1: love

women will teach you love. it will break that hard exterior we put forth and soften us (just a little..). it's companionship, conversation, "laughing at our jokes", acting like they need us. it's that understanding you only previously only got from your mom. it's support, that look, that feeling you get when she says your name. all that comes w/ love. it's a gift that God intended us to have, and it's brought to us most times by women (some of yall dudes yanno eh, i ain't hating..but i'm saying). it's something they give us, and broaden any expectation you ever had when they give us children. most appreciative of thing #1.

but aye...i'll fucks with ya for thing 1.5 too!

Friday, June 5, 2009

zipper watching..

this is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. now we all know what proper etiquette is correct?
i'm saying..men get the *side eye* and talked about for staring at a woman's breast instead of looking at her face.

yet why do women feel it ok to stare down a man's package? not just glance, not do that side eye peek, but flat out just look..lips parted, sweat forming, suggestive smirking going on. why is that ok? i mean most times, if it's a chick i'm digging i'm all game. go ahead and look. that's what it's there for, a little later you can get up close & personal with it. but what about when it's an uninvited look?

yesterday, i had on white shorts. my timing is usually off because everytime i wear them it rains. it wasn't raining when i left home, 10 minutes in the car....drizzle city. so i get out the car and tell myself i'm just gonna grab my laptop & run in real quick. i make it no incident, in the room w/ a bunch of dudes. no one is paying me any attention. we break for a minute. i go to get some food. still raining. get out run in....walk in and you know how you can just feel someone looking at you? so i glance over and this old lady. she aint really that old, probably in her 50's tho..is staring at my pants. so of course you know i look down thinking they got wet. they were a little damp, but that's not what she was looking at. i look back at her, her eyes are just fixated. i turn around and see her look up and smile at me. this is one of those moments if my mom was with me i'd tell her, "mommy, that lady was looking at my 'hammer' " (stop hating...).

but it just gave me an yucky feeling. so i order my food go sit down and she's back to staring at it. so i test it out, and kinda move it around and see her eyes moving with it. i'm just thinking now this lady is just a perv. but as i'm walking out i catch two other chicks looking. and it all goes back to my theory that yall have eye priority problems too. because if a woman sees you in jogging pants, basketball shorts, or anything else clingy...she ALWAYS looks down first. i'm gonna start wearing a sign on my zipper.."if you can read this, you should be giving me head...".

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

it's cause i'm light skin?

"hey guys, it's only funny till someone gets hurts".

that's what my little leprechaun buddy from GA Tech told me, one day when me and a few bored classmates were acting stupid and playing around. well his words have never rang so true, till yesterday.

so my boy is on this "i gotta keep my body right" shit. so top that with the fact that he's 2 years younger than me. he's always talking shit about me needing to work out. now i admit the body isn't what it used to be like 12 years ago. i mean i'm 33, got a child 5 days/week, work all the time. like i told him only prison dudes, super heros & psychos have time to work out everyday. but i'm still agile, trying to maintain myself, & steady meaning to work out here and there to get as close as possible...but i realize i'm not 21. so everytime i say i've been running or trying to eat better, he tells me i need to go work out. and it's like dude...ok. you live in the gym, ok. but i hate the gym. even when i run, i hate the treadmill. i'd much rather be in the park doing my 5 miles regardless of the weather vs. standing on a stationary device. yet he doesn't understand it.

so yesterday he's like, "that's why you need to hit the gym". so i'm like, "what for dude i can take you...". so of course that initiated our roughhousing. and before you start to say..."what are these grown ass dudes roughhousing for?". you have to understand the dynamics. me, him, & our engineers are locked up in this room for hours. he challenged my awesomeness so i had to do something about it. foolish, yes i know..but who are we hurting (besides ourselves)? so dude is like coming at me, gets a good move pushes me against the door and jabs the fuck out my back. i'm talking about it feel like a battling ram hit my back. so immediately acting out of pain i develop superhuman strength & throw him across the room. so afterwards, he has no sympathy because i tossed him. but i'm still in serious pain. i took my shirt off, asked him if he saw anything. he talking about no. then i asked my engineer and he's like yea, "dude you got a big bruise...". so then we ask his engineer and she's like.."yea it look nasty too...". this dude gonna say, "it's cause you're so light skin...". W T F...

(awesome photo @ the top courtesy of Sheila..thanks!)