Saturday, October 9, 2010

love sick. . .

i smell it in the the car. in the house. in the room. in the bed, on my sheets, on my pillows. i see colors i've never seen before. shapes that i never knew existed.

fireworks. stars. exclamations marks. butterflies. goosebumps. chills up and down my spine. i feel it in my feet all the way to my head. it's like a cool breeze or a sudden rain shower. it just washes over me and i know it's there. all warm, fuzzy, and familiar.

then some days. i can't find you. it's like i'm playing hide & seek. yet, you're a good hider. days of laying in the bed. motionless. numb. void. cold, very cold. vacant. all i see is darkness. dark clouds. dark shadows. no sun.

no sleep. dry eyes. heart stained. pillow stained. everything hurts. can't walk. can't talk. can't eat. don't want to live. hopeless.

what is this feeling?... what does it mean? why does it feel like this? how can a feeling that makes you feel so good, also make you feel so bad? love sick:  sick of love or sick from love. either way, i must be crazy...

falling in love is a gamble, not a game. with games there is a winner and a loser. with love you have to bet on someone to win, or you'll lose. if they lose, you lose. if they win, you win. it's not a competition, so it's not a game. people who try to play with your heart, don't love you. they use. abuse. and neglect you. till you're sick of love. you don't want it anymore. you can't stand it. it's your arch nemesis. you hate it. the idea, the feeling, the possibilities of it make you sick. the taste is bitter. how can you engage in something that leaves you halved. leaves you scarred. leaves you defensive-less.  leaves you empty. over and over again. are you insane?...

all of that, to possibly feel complete. comforted. whole. to drown in the passion of a kiss. to shiver from the sensation of a touch. the excitement. the build-up. the future. unexpected dreams. unexpected wants. unexpected life, created..given..shaped. is it worth the hurt? you bet. i'd rather be drunk off the nectar of what dreams are made of. staggering. tongue tied. anxious. determined to make it last forever. i want to stare in the eyes of my destiny. my future. my soul-mate. you never know. you never know when it will be that person. it's unjustifiable to never give yourself a chance to be sick from love. to love so much and so hard that it consumes you and you breathe it. every breath in sync with your heart. you live, love. you love, love.  it is you, you are love. i'll forever be sick from love. because i love it too much to be sick of it.

[october challenge: day#9]