a friend. a real friend.
only friends are going to tell you the truth. only they are going to say.."yea, yea...all that other shit sounds cool, but are you really focused on what this really is about?". see marriage is much more than a piece of paper. it's much more than a fancy wedding, bridesmaids, a house with a picket fence or 2.5 kids. marriage is a commitment. one that you are vowing to make for the rest of your life. but unfortunately, some of us find ourselves not making it to the end. some of us find ourselves on the other side of marriage. can a man who's been divorced give a woman who's about to get married advice? hell yes. who better to tell you what led to the demise of their marriage. yes, your girlfriends can tell you about their cheating husbands. they can tell you about all the expectations of being married. they can tell you the good, some of the bad, and all of the ugly. but they can't tell you what ruins it from a man's point of view. ask any married man or man who used to be married....how important it is that his wife has the right kind of friends. ask him...i'll wait. . .
it is absolutely true. if you're engaged or married...you need friends who are in the same boat. your single friends really can't relate. not to say you have to rid yourself of your single friends. you can still be friends with single women, but the way you deal with them changes. the relationship of, "this is my home girl....and no man can come in between this.." changes. if you're about to get married, this dude should come before you girl. same way you want to come before his dudes. to get married is to become one with that person, meaning you put no one but God before this person. a lot of women don't get that. a lot of women still want to hang out with their friends. do the same shit they did before. i learned first hand, how living vicariously through your girlfriends can lead you astray. which has clouded my opinions of the way the women i date hang out with their friends. i don't like women i date hanging out all night, drinking the night away...so you better believe my wife would NEVER be doing that shit. just like you "id" a guys friends. and think.."he's gonna have him around a bunch of girls.." or "he's nothing but trouble". your guy can see your girl is a hoe. he remembers all the stories you've told him. he knows who is likely to have you playing their "winggirl" when yall go out. so let's think about this....
every time you go out with your single friend. she has you talking to the friend of the dude that she's trying to holler at. she is constantly on the lookout for a man, and has you out with her when you should be home with your man. her idea of solving problems is, "girl you don't need that...if he don't like it..leave his ass alone". never mind the fact that you are married. and shit isn't that easy. it's not that your single friends are incapable of helping you in your marriage. they can be supportive. they can be great friends. but there are things that you need experience in to give advice. and marriage is one of those things. just like you won't listen to a woman who's been married for a week, why would you listen to a woman who's never been married tell you about your marriage?
where they do that at? i know this may be offensive to some of you younger women. some of you women who are the "single" friends, may think i'm just being a bitter dude. but honestly, you need friends in the same space as you. a least a couple. you see how all you women who are going "natural" are on these hair boards. and asking all these other women who have natural hair for tips and advice. why aren't you asking women with perms how to be natural? why aren't you going to them for transition support? you get where i'm going with this? sometimes you need to go to people who understand where your coming from. not knocking single ladies....just saying. you only have to be accountable for yourself. which makes it hard for you to relate to a situation where someone has to be accountable for someone else.
[october challenge: day#6]
6 comments:
I LOVE this post. I am so with you on that. I always tell people about this same fact. It is the same thing with kids. I do not have any kids therefore I am not the person that should advise anyone with theirs.
Seeking wise counsel is always the best even when someone is has been where you are going.
Great post sir.
@freckles: thanks. i'm glad you see where i'm going with this.
I was having a conversation with a friend about this after that episode aired. My thoughts were what if (and it could happen) said engaged person had no engaged or married friends. As is the case with LaLa, her circle (that we know of) consists of Kim K, Kelly Rowland, her cousin Dice, none of which are married OR engaged women. I understand the whole concept of single women not being able to properly advise a married woman on her relationship and I don't think the problem starts with still having friends that are single. The problem comes in when you have single friends who don't respect your marriage. My married friends don't get the same invites to functions as my single friends. My married friends are held to a higher standard than my single friends meaning you don't need to be out showing your ass because I'm going to call you out about it. Not saying that my single friends are off the hook...I respect the impending changes that WILL happen when a friend gets married. I don't expect my married friends to come to me for advice nor do I intend to be up in their business. Now I can't say the same for other people.
I think i was the only one of my friends who didn't get rubbed wrong by what Tyrese said. I agree with him 100% on maybe getting yourself some friends who share that same thing with you and that applies to every relationship even if he is just your bf u need a friend or two who understand that. Its not about giving up on your single friends its about having other people who understand what you are going through..who can offer you advice because they been there and done that or are doing it now. Sometimes I think single friends give you single advice the advice that they think you want to hear.
@starrla monae: i agree with what you're saying. i think the message was..."get you some married" friends vs. "only married friends will get you" if you're hanging with chicks like kim k. and you're trying to get married..i'm saying.
i think his thing was, you're with party girls. single party girls. find women who aren't into the things you probably shouldn't be doing, when you're engaged.
@sunshinestar110: exactly. i think ppl give advice based off of what they're doing. so if you're dating. you're in that mindset. if you're single. you're in that mindset. etc. single chicks always trying to get their friends to do single chick shit with them.
Hey I totally agreed with tyrese. He's only telling her right. I just hope if woman getting married or planning to have all single friends that their single friends respect her marriage. And really are aware that things will and do change.
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