Saturday, July 30, 2011

update on my sexy...

so..i've been saying i was gonna update y'all on how my "#sexyback" mission was going.

basically i've committed to being a healthier me. and although i was trying go extreme and wanted to knock down biggest loser numbers in a few days. reality has hit that i just need to take it one day at a time. so that's what i've been doing.

been eating consistently better. been running at least 5 miles everyday (i admit maybe one or two days out the week i don't..), but i've been extremely active. and it's showing. i can see & feel the difference. having to tighten up my belt to the point, i might have to go to a smaller size. i'm starting to see some of my vices (things i shouldn't be lazy..etc) and avoiding them.

but i think the best part about it is, i'm doing it for me. and i feel good about it. there isn't a deadline. it isn't about impressing anyone. it's just about loving myself. and i love myself. i'm all sore and achy, i'm extremely tired..not sure if it's linked to other things..but at this point i don't care. life is life. and i'm just taking it as it comes. best part about the attitude the fact that i actually changed my attitude. not that i was a negative complaining person before. but's all about being thankful and not worrying about all the other "non fucking factors..". i am down 21 lbs. and even tho it varies from morning to night..i feel like myself again. whether it's heavier, cut, or's me. and i'm happy.

Friday, July 29, 2011

manfive friday #88

does he share his feelings? does he take it personal when you have a problem with him? does he cry and you don't know why?

manfive friday #88 topic of the week: 5 reasons a man may seem "too sensitive"

why is it women complain about guys "not caring" then as soon as a guy cares he's "too sensitive". are you women never happy? i get into it with my chick all the time over this. she thinks cause i "share my feelings" that i'm "too sensitive". when the truth is, i'm too old to be sitting around not saying how i feel about shit. i've gotten over that "play it cool" stage where i got to act like i don't care. if we're together, and we're going some where with this both of us need to speak up and let the other know how we feel. i'm not afraid to say i love you. not afraid to say this or that bothers me. if there is one person i should be comfortable enough to talk like that should be her right? just cause i talk like that with her doesn't mean i'm talking to my homeboys about "our feelings". doesn't mean i'm watching chick flicks and crying. or offering to paint her toenails. don't confuse a guy who's trying to be honest about his feelings with a dude who's trying to wear your skinny jeans. 5 reasons a man may seem too sensitive to you...

#5: you're a cold hearted mofo..

sometimes it's not the guy who's too sensitive. it's the chick who's too harden. gone are the days a chick is impressed or satisfied with things you do for her. she'll "ooh" & "aww" for someone else. she'll think her male friends are "sweet". she'll think something her friend's boyfriend did was sweet, wonderful, romantic...but let your ass do it and it's like..."whatever". some of you ladies act more like dudes emotionally then most dudes. and it's not the fact that your dude is acting "like a chick" with his emotions. you just happen to be an icebox and aren't receptive to gestures of emotion from your dude. you're the kind of chick who'll only appreciate his sensitivity if it happens once in a blue moon. that way you appreciate the effort. after all, if you're getting it all the time what makes it special? oh that's right, if your chick's man does it..then it's special......

#4: he think it's what you want..

yanno how a lot of you ladies act like you can cook. act like you're all about pleasing a man. act like whatever he wants you're trying to give it to him. well "caring" and "showing you care" are a few of the things guys do because we are conditioned to think you want that. a lot of us have gotten that "i just want you to care" talk. or we've been in past relationships where a complaint was us not expressing ourselves. or not being "sensitive" to your feelings. and we get into a new relationship, thinking..we'll correct that. and you're ass wants us to go back to being nonchalant pricks. and not to go from one extreme to the other. there is a middle ground. but usually the middle ground is not enough. we're either too sensitive or too insensitive. y'all usually don't grant us a middle ground.

but to be completely honest with you, a woman needs to worry more when a guy starts acting like he doesn't care..because usually that's an indication that he's not that interested in her. because generally most of us when we're trying to impress you are trying to show you we're not jerks. and maybe we'll slip back into jerk mode every now and then. but if a guy has switched from caring sometime to caring no time. he has one or both feet out the door..

#3: he dances with wolves..

like really dances with them, in ballet shoes. some guys are the kind that cry in the shower. some of them do tear up during movies. call you with a nervous breakdown when someone criticizes their work, opinion, their clothing choice for the day. some of them do "care too much about everything". this one really isn't that confusing. y'all aren't dumb. you know the kind of guy you're dealing with. if you get with a guy who is acts more sensitive than your baby sister, you want to be with that dude. some of you women nurture that. you allow him to tap into and let his feminine side flow. and that's what you want. say you don't like it, act like it bothers you. but some of you would rather be the "strong one" in the relationship. it makes you feel better about yourself and allows you to feel in control. don't play dumb just because it embarrasses you sometimes. he acts like this in we know he must wear dresses when y'all at home together.

#2: everyone has feelings..

just cause we're guys, doesn't mean you get a pass to treat us like shit. i'm not a punk, if i get offended by something you said about me or to me. it's because you shouldn't say offensive shit about me or to me. if you say,

"i don't like that shirt on you..." 

fine. i can deal with that. but if you say,

"i don't like your face..". 

that's not ok. if you're always talking shit about him. always downing him. always pointing out things you don't like. complaining. he's not being sensitive for having a problem or taking offense. he's being a person. no one wants to be on the end of negative comments. maybe you're hitting on an insecurity. maybe you're creating an insecurity. women think they can say anything to a guy, and he should just "get over it". yet if he was to say anything remotely close to what you said you'd be crying, cursing, and ready to fight.

#1: he treats you too well..

and you're not used to that shit. unfortunately a lot of you women have encountered guys who don't give 2 fucks about you. you've been in a relationship with a guy who wouldn't tell you how he felt about a tv show he was watching, let alone how he felt about you. and you get conditioned to think that all guys are nonchalant about their feelings. or maybe your dad was cold. maybe your brothers have convinced you that "guys just don't care...". either think just because you've never been with someone who can share his feelings that they shouldn't do it. to each their own. if a guy is  "too sensitive", go find you a guy who's not. but once you find him...don't get mad that he's not sensitive.

and don't use clouded judgement when someone is being open with you. maybe you don't trust it. maybe you don't know how to respond, or how to receive it. but be honest about it yourself. if it's you...then admit it's you. stop trying to make a dude seem like he's "overdoing it" because you've never had a guy treat you a certain way before. this is what makes guys mistreat the next girl (who might be you). it also is what makes them treat the next girl 100x better than they treated you. so be're inexperience towards a "sensitive" guy could be blessing the next chick with the kind of guy she's been waiting for...

Saturday, July 23, 2011

manfive friday #87

last week i told you to stop running away from marriage. this week i'm telling you why it's taking him so long to pop that question.

manfive friday #87 topic of the week: why it takes a minute to ask that "BIG" question...

so you've weathered the storms. been together for what feels like forever. you know it's you & him forever. y'all have spoken on many occasions about it. contemplated what life would be like together. you even tricked him into browsing at rings with you. you've dropped a million hints, suggestions, clues, left your scratch sheets of paper with your name with his last name hyphenated behind it (since you "new" women want to hold on to every piece of your old self). so why the hell hasn't he asked you? what's the problem. what's the hold there a line at Jared? 5 reasons why he is dragging his feet (and wallet) and prolonging asking you to marry him...

#5: all the pressure is on him..

generally speaking: asking you on a first date ----> his responsibility

arranging, paying, and impressing you on that date ----> his responsibility

fast forward to date # 119, you're ready for marriage ----> his responsibility.

hmm....let me say that again. "you're ready for marriage". but it's his responsibility. now if he was a guy like me, maybe by date #219...he might start thinking to himself, i really like her. i really want more with her. maybe she could be my MRS. but for some of my other might not be until date #3,421 for that thought to enter their head. but somewhere around date #100 you're thinking..."enough of this dating shit..lets get this on". but unless you're Chrissy and your dude name is Jim ain't breaking no paper, buying no ring, and asking him to marry you.

so it's on him. whether he's ready or not, at that point you're waiting on him. and your actions, words, hints, threats.....will all let him know you are waiting. you think it's just a question. you think it's just about buying a ring. you think it's just as simple as you saying, "yes". well it's not.

i've been there. i've done it. it's not simple on this end. it wasn't the "i'm not ready". or the "i gotta buy a ring". it's a "i know i feel ready, but am i ready". it's a "this is it...". a "how am i going to do this?". a "am i ready for everything that comes with & after this?". "will she like the ring?...cause she's told me a trillion things she doesn't like & 3 things she does and i've completely confused the 3 things with the trillion things". there is pressure behind the question. it is one of the biggest questions a man will ask in his life (to someone else). so if it's taking him a minute to build up the courage or to mentally prepare himself for this step....damn. give him a minute. all you gotta do is say, "yes".

#4: it's an investment...

i know they say civilization started in africa. and i know there are trillions of diamonds in africa. but i know adam did no have no diamond ring for eve. and even though wilma flintstone had on fur coats and was rocking rings like fred didn't work at a slate yard...i know good and well no cavemen were lacing cavewomen with bling bling. yes, as a society we've gotten outrageous with the "norms" and expectations = our wildest dreams. so i'll excuse you ladies who are looking at kim kardashion's ridiculously large engagement ring with wide eyes & salivating mouths. stop that. you do realize this is a big reason he hasn't asked you right?..

cause he think he's got to mortgage his whole future to buy you some shit you'll either lose, get stolen, want an upgrade, and/or walk away from thinking it's yours if the engagement doesn't work. used to be a guy could just ask you to marry him with no ring. then it graduated to him going down to the pawn store, trading his tuba in for a simple band. next guys started getting fancy and started heading down to the walmart, to pick out a nice gemstone (preferably your birth month...s/o to you april baby ladies y'all lucked out). then guys started putting away a check or two to afford something nicer than what your friend had (because that become a requirement after you saw her ring ). then ring companies started extending credit to guys and enticing them to buy now, pay later...this was to insure he got you something nice that eventually would become both of y'all debt it's only fair right? but now guys are selling all of their furniture. their cars. donating blood & semen. having bake sells. selling lemonade. becoming strippers. all so they can afford to give you a shiny piece of jewelry that your friend's man will try to one up (out of necessity) when he ask her.

*WARNING* if you've been married before. bury your ex wife. um..well that would be considered murder right? well don't do that...but understand there are few things that has to happen to ensure you aren't murdered yourself. first, don't describe your ex's ring to your chick. the ring does not exist. i don't care if you're still paying for that shit. the ring does not exist. she don't need to know the carats, the cut, the design, the store you bought it from, the proposal...nothing! hopefully your ex has "moved on" and isn't still rocking it, that in itself is a nightmare. next, do NOT let these two compare rings. understand that your ex wife's ring can NEVER be the same, comparable, or in the same league as the ring you're buying. do NOT go to the same place you bought her ring. don't even buy it in the same city or state. the last thing you need is your ex wife to see your new chick's ring..and do that "look down & giggle" move. and finally, don't make buying her the ring seem like "i've done it before..". don't take away from her special moment by lumping it with an experience with someone else. yes, you have to put more effort in making her understand that even though you've made this decision before, that you're making the right one with her. and all the things you want, is with her..and no one else. and that the feelings you have are different. please, don't recycle your proposal or ring.

all of these seems crazy. but honestly it is an investment. he's spending a big chunk of money for some very small. something that he hopes you like. something he hopes means something & that you treasure forever. it's got to be right. a ring is just a ring. but at the moment he buys it, it becomes a symbol of your commitment to one another. so stop with all the "big ring" pressure. all the "white gold, not yellow gold". "princess cut, not round". "colorless"...stop complaining and telling him what to buy you. trust he knows you well enough to buy you something nice. and be happy with what he gets you, unless he's the kind who spends 20k on rims and then buys you cracker jack shouldn't be mad. let's keep it real, a guy is gonna have on a simple band. meaning you're rocking a car, boat, house on your finger. he's rocking your weave money for next week on his.

#3: if for any reason you say no..that's it.

i think we've all seen the video of the proposal gone wrong. ol' boy in a club in front of all of these people. spilling out his heart. laying that good ol' speech down. opening up that little box and asking his chick to marry him. and she starts shaking her head, no.

yea...we all know he probably fucked up and was trying to "make it right". and in a movie..that shit works. in a movie i could sleep with your best friend, your sister, your mother, leave you for the first 3 years of our child's life. have no job. let you break up with me for the 20th time over a span of 20 years because i won't propose to you...go out buy a ring..and TA-DA!..."We'ze getting married now!".

but lets come back to real life. if we've been going through a lot of things. had a rocky relationship. and i honestly thought we were ready for that next step. and i asked you to marry me with the assumption.."we're going to be together anyway....we might as well go head and get that tax break..". and you say we aren't together tomorrow morning. you can't come back from a "no". that's it. it's no second chances. no, "thing about it..." or "let me know". woman if you say no...i'm going down to the strip club and marrying me one of them strippers. cause fuck what you've may not be able to propose with the same ring twice..but you can def "re-gift" that shit. lol.

#2: his idea of marriage...

his parents...never married / divorced
his friends...never married / divorced

sometimes a guy isn't quick to propose because he's not convinced marriage is for him or for anyone else for that matter. he may have been a product of a messy divorce. he may resent his parents for never getting married (so in his head...why do we need to get married, my parents didn't and they raised me ok). he may not see the value in marriage. none of his friends are married...he won't be able to do anything once he gets tied down to that ball & chain. once he marries you y'all gotta start sharing stuff? like food..a place to err.. that sounds awful. never mind the fact that y'all have been living together for years. or been raising a child together. or are completely committed and know you're spending the rest of your lives together. the idea of putting a ring on his finger & signing a marriage license is "too much" & "unnecessary" because he puts no importance on marriage. what's important is how he feels and the fact you both know how much you love one who needs a piece a paper ? *taylor swift shrug*...

parents are a big determining factor on things we hold important. friends hold a lot of weight when it comes to things we are willing to do. but at the end of the day, we have to be mature enough to realize when things are important. we have to want things, that maybe no one else in our life has ever wanted. yes...his parents may not have been married. they may have never gone to college either..does that mean you don't go or want to go? understand where he's coming from, in this regard..but don't excuse it. if a man loves you, he will respect something that is important to you. if he's going to drag his feet, fine..but the moment you see his feet are anchored in being common-law married to you go find someone who wants to "put a ring on it".

#1: no take backs..

being single is one thing. dating exclusively is a big deal. but getting married...*cue grim reaper* is life changing. as i stated last week (actually this week cause i was so late...but whatever) you women are starting to feel the "end of a era" when taking that next step as well. it's hard for a guy to phantom not being free anymore. picture him with a dirty white button up and a torn brown sack pants. you standing there with a whip, forcing him to go out and work all day. he can't leave without your permission, you always want to know where he is and what he's doing. you's like he's signing up for slavery.  he's willingly signing up to be with you & only you....FOREVER. no take backs.

the slavery thing is a joke...but unfortunately the "being together forever thing" seems like a joke to a lot of people these days as well. we all know by today's standards. everyone thinks marriage is so easy to enter and exit from that it devalues the meaning of marriage a billion times more than all of the other things people want to "claim" do. starting nor ending a marriage is supposed to be simple decision. getting a divorce was one of the hardest things i ever had to do & against so many things i believe. people who actually stand by what they are promising God & that other person...there is no take back. that's it. you are saying this is who i want to spend the rest of my life with. i'm putting faith in this person to love me through it all. to be faithful to me. to support me. to be with me till my or their last day. asking someone to marry you isn't doing it "for a big wedding and gifts". it's not because y'all been together for 7 years so you might as well do it. it's not because she's pregnant or you're going away to the military, jail, college. when you ask someone to marry you, you're asking them to become a part of you. it's not a simple question. it's the beginning of a promise that you'll be accountable for the rest of your life. a guy who realizes this isn't something you take lightly. and that this is a big step. a life changing step. will really think long and hard before he makes the decision to do it.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

i'm an awful dad...

those of you who follow me on twitter, know i took my son to disney this weekend. the trip was great, despite me wanting to slap my parents on different occassions.

i mean seriously, it was a great trip. but i just felt like we could have done more if they wouldn't have acted like they were 90 years old. taking their time. needing to eat 4+ meals a day. complaining about lines, heat..etc.

just needed them to be hardcore like they used to be and suck it up for the kid. i mean..i didn't enjoy my skin sizzling in the sun, nor the rude inpatient parents bumping into me, or the 30 minute-hour waits either..but i was going to go gangster for my son and make this experience fantastic for him.

so why am i an awful dad? cause i made a huge, gigantic, horrific mistake. someone told me (someone = my dad)...that i had ridden space mountain before. and being a dude who has never ridden on a roller coaster. i mean not because i'm scared. not because i have heart problems, pregnant, or any of the other reasons listed for people not to ride. i just never have been interested in them. going extremely fast while upside down, sideways, backwards, suspended in air..just has never "done it for me". so me thinking that disney was a kid friendly place, full of family rides. and trusting my dad's memory and the fact that he wouldn't lie to me. got a fast pass for the ride. one for me & one for my son. we went and rode numerous rides. and when it was time to go back to space mountain...we we're ready. we skipped the lines. walked in. i got a little worried when i saw we weren't able to sit next to each other due to the ride being front to back not side to side. but i notice people with their bags, hats, etc..getting on the ride. when the ride took off it didn't seem fast or bumpy at all. so we got on the ride. i sat in the front because i didn't want him to sit in the front of the ride, so when i say my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach when i saw that first drop before it turned into me. i was like, "oh.....shit".

i swore my son was going to be freaking out. scared. crying. vomiting. on the verge of a heart attack..etc. all i could do is scream, "close your eyes". and try to talk to him throughout the whole ride. to say that was the scariest few minutes of my life, would be the greatest understatement of my life. i have never been more scared then i was at that moment. and no it wasn't of the roller coaster. it was because i put him on this ride. what in the hell had i done? how the hell could i be so stupid to not realize what this damn ride was. i felt like the worst father in the world. i still kinda, do. i felt so helpless, like i couldn't stop it. i couldn't get him off that ride. i couldn't protect him.

as soon as the ride was over, i looked at him and asked him if he was ok. he said he was. and just hopped off the ride. i kept asking him, hugging him, checking on him. he told me, it was scary & fast. but shortly afterwards he was back into trying to track down mickey mouse. everyone i keep talking to keeps telling me to stop beating myself up over it. but i truly will be apologizing to him for the rest of his life. 

manfive friday #86

you've always dreamed of meeting your knight in shining armor. finding that perfect guy to settle down with. to spend the rest of your life with. to start a family, grow old, live happily ever after....

or have you? why is it when women do meet that guy. when a man is ready to settle down with her. make her an "honest" woman. buy the cow, the milk, and some grass to feed her. the last thing on her mind is, commitment. marriage. being a mother. housewife. exclusive. tied down.

this week's manfive friday #86 topic is: what to do if you're NOT ready to be his "SUPERWOMAN"...

i know some of you ladies have your mouth open. shaking your head, waving your fingers, gasping for air. all you ladies who DO want this...are thinking, "WHAT THE HELL IS THEIR PROBLEM?". and trust me, a lot of us guys wonder the same thing. women are SUPPOSED to be ready for all that shit. once we men get our act together. our mind right, we're thinking all the puzzles pieces should just fit. what you should understand if you're in the process of running away from a "sure" thing...

#5: if you want you're ex...go back to your ex.

stop acting as if you've moved on. if you're still stalking his facebook. if you're still talking to your mutual friends about him. if you're still staring at his pictures in the shoebox under your bed. if y'all broke up 2 years ago but you got his name tatted on your last aren't ready for a serious relationship. you're not ready to be with someone else. stop getting into a relationship with other folks. you can date. you can get your "outer hoochie" on. but don't get someone else tied into your messy bad romance with your ex. even if in your mind you'll never let yourself go back to him. your heart goes back every time you think about him. so take some time to focus on getting you back. it may be a week, a month, a year, a decade, half your life...but if you're not ready to let that're not ready to start anything new.

#4: single envy...

maybe you started off wanting to be in a relationship. maybe you enjoyed being exclusive and committed to one man. then you saw your friends out their having the time of their lives. or you felt bogged down with restrictions because you had a boyfriend. or maybe...just maybe you've been watching too much "sex in the city" & "single ladies" and now your whole thought process is fucked up. "single envy" used to be reserved for guys. but you ladies have come down with a rash of "i want to be single..cause that shit looks GREAT!". it used to be taboo for women to be dickaholics. yea, we know y'all liked them. we know we weren't your "only". but we damn sure ain't think y'all was trying to outdo wilt chamberlin. these days women don't have a problem admitting they like sex. they want sex. they like casually dating. and they're the one's sneaking out early in the morning and kicking dudes out their bed. if you find yourself wanting to be single, then go be single. you don't have to envy some shit that you have a choice in. just remember whose choice it was. and stop acting all bitter and mad when you can't find a man later on when you are ready. like i said once on twitter..."you women running away from commitment & marriage now, gonna have a long tumbleweeded journey back when you're ready". not to say you can't have fun and be young & dumb. but don't get dumb & dumber. at some point being young & dumb should stop being an option. nothing wrong with embracing you're "single lady-hood". just make sure you're ok embracing it if/when you're 47 & unmarried as well.

#3: don't pretend to want it.. in there cooking that man dinner. cleaning his house. coming home and putting it on him good. talking about all the kids you want. discussing your future with him. planting those thoughts of that 10 carat cartier princess cut diamond ring in his head. yanno he's ready. yanno he is head over heels for you. you know he is addicted to your love. and you're sitting there feeding his addiction. yet.....

deep down inside, you don't want that shit...

a lot of women just want to be "boo'ed up". have someone to go places with. someone to kill bugs. someone to play house with. someone for the moment. someone to make her legs weak & break that back....but find themselves with a guy who wants more. a guy who sees forever in you & thinks you're down for the long run. where would he get a dumb idea like that from?....YOU.

if you find yourself with someone who is moving in a different direction. different pace. giving more....and you're just running game on him. stop. you're the one pretending, not him. if the thought of him asking you to marry him, getting a key made for you, or asking you to "have his baby" freaks you out...why you are acting like you want all of that? not saying stop treating him good, just saying stop leading him on. don't say "yes", buy a dress, get all your, his, and everyone else's family in one room to run from the alter. in some countries (i'm sure only in my head) you can get one of your breast castrated for that.

#2: being a wife end of you...

again, this is an ideal customarily demonstrated by men. settling down, committing to one person, giving up things you used to do, have, want...all to be with someone. seems like committing suicide. who is willingly going to walk into a situation where you have to compromise things you want for things someone else needs. these days people are waiting longer to get married, start families, or focus on "us" instead of "me, me, me". being in a relationship almost seems like a death sentence. yea, you want a companion, but you also want to be able to do whatever the hell you want to do. you want to spend 10 years working your way up the food chain to get a promotion and reach a career goal. you want to travel and live in exotic lands, donating time to feeding starving children, and quitting your job on the spur of the moment because you didn't like how your supervisor talked to you. you think that by committing and having to compromise you're losing yourself. you're losing the person you wanted to be. you're missing out on the person you thought you should be. you're unhappy with your life...but you're blaming someone else. being a wife isn't going to take away who you are. being a mother isn't going to stifle your growth. being with one person isn't going to steal your "inner fun". it's something that should open you to whole new experiences. it should improve your life, your attitude, and change your wants. if you're sitting around moping because someone loves you enough to want to start a new life with you then obviously you need to focus on your priorities.

#1: stop being "skurred"...

things that scare you women from committing:

  • the thought that the only person who is going to take care of you, is yourself...
  • the thought of being hurt for the first time, or again & again..
  • the thought of failing: as a person, a wife, or a mother
  • insecurity or lack of knowledge in/of relationships
  • him seeming too good to be true..

if you're with someone who has proven themselves to be a great guy. someone who is trying to do the right things for you/by you. someone who has supported you in ways no one else has, can, or will. stop being scared to trust them. to trust yourself. to try love. you can't let things hold you back. that's in any aspect of your life. if you feel like the guy you're with is holding you back..he's not the right guy. but when you make that assumption..make sure it's him and not other things. make sure it's not the fact that you've made it up in your mind not to fall deep for someone. or that the fear that you're not ready to take care of a husband or family is holding you back. make sure it's not because you're just stuck in your old ways and are unwilling to change. don't doubt you're good enough or that you don't deserve someone who obviously thinks you are. bottom line, make sure it's the guy holding you back and NOT you holding yourself back.

[this manfive is for the one i missed last friday..i know i'm late, but i didn't forget]

Saturday, July 9, 2011

manfive friday #85


have you recently had your heart ripped out...your dreams crushed... or your time wasted?

are you the newest member of the lonely hearts club...never again club...or the i should have known better club?

it hurts when a relationship ends. it especially hurts when it ends and your world stops..but their world keeps on moving. and as you sit there pondering, wondering, and sulking..they are dating, laughing, and enjoying life.

or at least it seems like they are.

manfive friday #85 topic of the week: how to stop hanging on when your dude has moved on..

a friend asked me to do this manfive. and while i can't explain this from a female's p.o.v., i'm going to attempt to offer some advice. but if some of you ladies have suggestions you can leave it in the comment area.

#5: understand the break-up & accept it:


it's the simplest question that never gets answered to your satisfaction.

  • yes he cheated, but why? 
  • maybe he wasn't ready for a committed relationship or to make the next step, but why?
  • why were you fed up and tired of fighting?
  • you thought everything was fine, why did he leave?

a lot of times people don't take the time to understand the problems that ended the relationship. sometimes we don't hold ourselves accountable for the things we were guilty of. you're always going to see your side of the situation. but have you really took the time to see his side? not that it would justify or change the decision. but, do you understand how y'all got to this point? do you know why it's over. do you agree, do you want it to be over, do you want him back, do you hate him, did you make a mistake?.. now ask yourself, why.....?

it's hard enough to understand the reasons. but after you understand it, you have to accept it. you have to accept that it's over, to move on. and that's not an easy task.

#4: don't fall for false impressions:

just because it looks like he's doing great, don't assume the smoke and mirrors are all puppy dogs and smiley faces. we'd like to see our ex-significant other on the side of the freeway ramp, begging for tape to mend their broken heart..but most times that's not going to happen. i'ma keep it person is going to hurt more than the other.  if it's them, *whispers* YES! if it's you...*screams* DAMMIT. no but for real, people deal with breakups differently.

you got:

  • in the bed all day, all night. refuse to eat. refuse talk, see, look at another human being.
  • in friend circle support groups, self help books: "reclaiming single life"
  • gotta get with all the chicks/dudes i've been missing out on while in a relationship
  • heartbroken, will never date again!
  • the list go on...

just because you belong to one group after one break-up, doesn't mean you'll react that same way after your next one. so just because his last girlfriend had him in the bed with the blinds closed for 3 weeks. and he's out with his boys the night after y'all break up trying to get chicks. it's not that he's been cheating all along. or he didn't really love you. maybe in his head, he said.."i'm never gonna get so depressed over a breakup that i'm sitting in a room for 3 weeks barely breathing". maybe his boys refused to let him sit up in the house. maybe the chick he's picking up he's spending the whole night talking about you. maybe not..but hey who knows? the thing to remember is no matter what he's doing, don't let it drive you crazy. you have to be responsible for your own healing. worry about you. focus on you.

#3: eliminate reminders:

that teddy bear on your bed. those rotating pictures in your digital picture frame. delete his number, block his email address, twitter, facebook, etc.. take off his sweater, t-shirt, basketball shorts...etc. all that shit that makes you cry. all that shit that "still smells like him". all that shit that makes you relive your relationship & fact that you're not in one. box it up. delete it. tear it up. get rid of ALL the emotional shit with his name all over it.

i know the sentimental value is worth more than words can say. i know that you've convinced yourself that these tokens are safe. that you can keep them and not think about him. stop lying to yourself. stop torturing yourself. if you can pack something away for your memory lane trip years from now, more power to you. but if you're sleeping with his picture under your pillow every night, resurrecting shrines out of his old gum, saving and counting his pubic need to be choked out by your own panties.

#2: learn from the experience:

the best teacher sometimes is experience. good or bad, you can always learn from everything that happens in your life. all the things that have made you a stronger person has made you better person. all the shit you put up with, has shown you that dealing with this type of person is NOT what you need. you now know the things you won't accept. the things you wants. all of the warning signs. pretend it's back 2 the future..just live in the future and do not make the same mistakes.

#1: take your time & love yourself:

maybe it took him neglecting you to realize how amazing you are. maybe it took you being alone to focus on the bigger picture, you. best way to move on, is to realize that this doesn't define you. this doesn't kill you. it's going to hurt like hell, if you really loved them it's going to hurt worse than hell (if that's possible).

you have to let go of all the things you thought were going to happen, things you wanted to happen, as well as the things that did happen. you have to have faith that love didn't stop with that person, and that there is someone out there "better". and at this point you have to know you deserve the "better" that is out there. it starts with you. being able to move on is something you have to do at your own pace. it's something no one can tell you how long you can sulk, how long you can hold on to that memory, how long you can hold out hope that things will be better. it's something that is completely dependent on you. so take your time. no it isn't good to be depressed, lonely, bitter..etc. but you have to go through all the motions in order to get past it.

Friday, July 8, 2011

it's you....and no one else

i dreamed that i was in love with the most beautiful woman in the world.

it's you. (and no one else)

i kissed this woman till her lips gave in, her legs grew weak, her stomach got butterflies, her hands lost recognition and found themselves all over me.

it's you. (and no one else)

i whispered in her ears, vibrated her mind, and stimulated her in ways she couldn't begin to comprehend.

it's you. (and no one else)

when i held her, she felt changed. she felt my presence. she felt me with her, right then. right there. always.

it's you. (and no one else)

i planted an idea. an idea that blossomed. spread. and totally took over her. love.

it's you. (and no one else)

she can tell by the way i look at her. the way i touch her. the way i talk to her. the way i treat her. that i have never looked, touched, talked, or treated anyone else this way.

it's you. (and no one else)

i dreamed that i was in love with the most beautiful woman in the world, yet it wasn't a dream. it's my reality, because...

it's you. (and no one else).

dedicated to my: "it's you (and no one else)"
got a smartphone? decode this message with a QR decoder

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

manfive friday # 84

so i was having a conversation with my chick. and she informed me that i wasn't the type of guy who'd physically cheat on her. I'm the type of guy who'd emotionally cheat on her. 
adjusting my testicles a trying to say "i'm not man enough to physically cheat on you?.." lol. truthfully it's not manly to do either. a man doesn't cheat, he just moves on. she was kidding (i think), but i took offense to that statement. she HATES my blog, mostly because i'm talking about love. and since the blog isn't overflowing with guys..she assumes it's to get at ladies. i guess she ignores the countless # of post devoted to her. she swears she doesn't read it. but like my twitter and anything else i could possibly be on, she won't ever admit it, comment or follow me...but i know she reads it. *waving*.."hey sweetie".

this week's manfive friday #84: 5 reasons a man might emotionally cheat on you...

emotional cheating involves being in a relationship, but letting yourself cross boundaries with someone else that would constitute cheating. simply put, you're playing with fire and as long as you're not getting think it's ok. cheating is cheating folks. anything that is done in a relationship that crosses the line of friendship into more than friends is cheating. don't fool yourself, men do it too. a lot of women are just worried about him sleeping with someone else. when truthfully, him having that chick who he's thinking of all the time. talking to all the time. would rather be with all the time, is much more damaging then him actually messing with a chick he'll probably never speak to again. this is usually why women cheating is more hurtful to men, because it involves much more than sex. five reasons why he might be emotionally cheating on you....

#5: he's starving....
if you're not feeding him at home, eventually he's going to go out and look for it elsewhere. it is his responsibility to respect and love you enough to not do it. but with the shoe on the other foot, it's your responsibility to make sure he shouldn't have to do it. sometimes a guy can get starved for attention. everyone wants to be wanted. everyone wants to be made to feel like they are important, liked, loved, etc..if you're in a relationship with a man that you aren't paying any attention. trust, the first chick that pays him attention is "gonna give him life". she's giving him something he needs. something you aren't giving him. so yes, that becomes addictive. that becomes a great feeling. and eventually he's going to gravitate to that person to give him that feeling. not saying it will lead to cheating. but if a fat person is hungry. and all you got is slim fast shakes at your house. and here comes this chick with chicken wings and beers. i'm saying...
so what do you do to keep him from emotionally cheating on you in this situation? him some attention. compliment him. talk to him. pay attention to his needs. i'm a total believer in the fact that someone can't make someone else cheat on you. the person you're with chooses to leave. and if he is choosing someone over you because you failed to do something a simple as show him attention, then can you blame him? like one of my homeboy always says, "what's the point in being in a relationship with a chick who won't give you the things the women you'd casually date will give you?".

#4: he's bored...
sometimes in a relationship things get boring. especially when you've been together for a while and things are routine. it doesn't even have to be anything wrong with the relationship. it doesn't even have to be you that's boring. maybe his life is boring. maybe he's going through shit and just feels disconnected from the relationship. or maybe he's just tired of hearing the same ol' shit coming out your mouth. either way...he's looking for something different. and maybe he happens upon that with someone at work. or one of his friends from facebook. and he's corresponding back and forth about all the interesting shit going on in their life. he's having numerous invigorating conversations about things he's never talked to you about. she is opening his eyes & mind to new things. she's not too tired to listen to his day. she hasn't heard that same story over and over again. she thinks it's cute, funny, amazing that he caught that fish with his bare hands.

she is winning him over because he is vicariously living through her life & the life she's giving him by caring about the shit he has to say. again...this isn't your fault. this is him seeking out someone else to make him feel better about himself. so other than, "don't let the spark..fade" there is no other advice. i'm not gonna patronize you and tell you to "win back his attention". in a situation like this, you either tell him to snap out of it and focus on what's important & who's important. or you tell him to take his bored ass on.

#3: he gets caught up...

sad, but true. sometimes a guy may not even know he's embarking into a emotional relationship with a woman. he's talking to her. confiding in her. hanging out. and it's all innocent. then slowly but surely he starts developing the signs of a cheater...

  • -sneaking talking on the phone
  • -hiding, erasing, saving text messages
  • -trying to impress: dressing differently, different hair cut, buying gifts/flowers
  • -lying to his chick about her/lying to her about his chick

after a while the only thing he's not doing as far as cheating is sleeping with her. and that will probably soon be following if he has anything to do with it. because sex isn't involved at first, it seems innocent. so he tends to think nothing is wrong with it. then after a while when he starts developing feelings. starts looking at it differently. starts thinking about actually physically cheating. it's not always planned. guys don't always just decide to up and sleep with a chick. sometimes it slowly happens and before he knows it he's caught feelings and he's moving into trying to get with this chick. because he's breached the threshold and she is willing to cross it with him.

#2: he's not ready to physically cheat...

he's emotionally cheating on you because he's not ready to full out cheat. he's testing the waters. he's emotionally investing himself in someone else, but at the same time he's thinking he still loves you. still cares. doesn't want to break up. doesn't want to lose you. but he can't shake the feelings he's developing for this new chick. i'm quick to say, "if a person cheats on you, they can't possibly love you". and in my opinion that means: if they can hurt you that bad, disrespect you that much, and share with someone else the intimacy that should just be between the two of you...then they can't possibly love you the way love was designed to work. their mind. in their heart. the could possibly love you, just not fully comprehend that love doesn't work that way. and sometimes you have men who think by not "sleeping" with a chick, they aren't really cheating. yea he's having phone sex. yea he's sexting. yea he's thinking about her, telling her he loves her, telling her he's going to break up with you. but he's just lying. so that makes it ok...right?


#1: he's a coward...
maybe he just got so engrossed in what was happening that he just slipped up and fell in love with someone else.


being with someone is not mandatory. if you're unhappy in your relationship. if you are no longer feeling the other person. if you find comfort in someone else, then be a man. tell them,  & move on. that simple. you hurt someone more by sneaking around and doing shiesty shit then you would have to just be honest and tell them  you wanted out of the relationship. most times if a man is cheating on you in any regards it's because he doesn't love you enough to NOT cheat on you. it's not your fault. yes, some of his reasoning could be attributed  to things you've done, haven't done, wouldn't do...but a the end of the day if he chooses to be with you he has to accept that and respect you. i "get" someone not realizing they were getting closer to someone or crossing the line at first. but once you realize it, you should either stop it or be up front and deal with it.  there are no "passes" for cheating. we're grown ups, if you want to be with someone single.