Tuesday, May 31, 2011

manfive friday #80

late, but as promised...

manfive friday tuesday #80 topic of the week: 5 reasons a man will play yo-yo with your heart..

i got this question from a friend. she was telling me about a friend of hers who was involved with a guy who always pulled her friend back into a relationship when he felt she was drifting too far. but once she was back, he showed little to no interest in her.

i find a lot of times, people find themselves in a "yo-yo" type relationship with someone. it's like you can't get away. there is something constantly pulling you back into their clutches. whether it's general companionship. the sex. the history. or an undying love for them. it's something you can't escape (for now..), something you don't wanna let go, someone you feel you can't live without. so you go back. over. and over. and over again. only to let them enjoy you for the moment then push you right back away. so you wanna know why he does it? why he plays with your heart like it's a toy. why he treats it like it's disposable. why he can want you so bad one moment, then not the next. well....five reasons why he plays yo-yo with your heart.

#5: it's a game..

and like most games, someone's got to lose. and guess who the loser is? that's right, it's you. some guys think it's fun...to toy around with your heart. to make you love them. to make you do shit for them. to watch you suffer. to test your willingness to be with them. they don't sincerely care for you the way you do for them. so for them it's not about love. it's not about caring, appreciating, or respecting you. it's not really about anything with you. they aren't acting like they don't care. they really don't care.

and your love is a joke. no matter how deeply you confess it. no matter how much you've done, given, forgave...they're pulling you back, because they can.

#4: sex..

sometimes you ladies go back for it. sometimes he keeps you around for it. sometimes it's an equal trade. y'all are both using each other for it. but most times, one person is being used moreso than the other. and usually it's the woman. so if he doesn't want anything to do with you till 2am. or all his calls have to do with you coming over. if he does something nice for you, and it leads to y'all sleeping together. he's just pulling you back for the sex. don't equate him wanting sex with you as him missing you, loving you, wanting to be with you. because with men..we show that in other ways. if we're calling to hear your voice. if we're standing out in the rain with a boombox in the middle of a tornado and thunderstorm singing, "i'll pay your rent...". if we're sending you those annoying text messages "i love you = ( ". that's us missing you, wanting you, loving you. if we're sexting a picture of our dick and telling you to come hop on it. that's us wanting to have sex with you. stop confusing the two. they are very different.

#3: he's unsure...

just like you ladies, men get lonely too. one minute you are a hindrance to his life. you're nagging. you're complaining. you want this, that, everything. you're stopping him from doing what he wants. you're cutting him off from all the millions of women who are just waiting for him to become single again (in his head). then once he cuts you loose, he's sitting there thinking he wished you were there. one of those, you don't miss what you have till it's gone thing. so he calls you up. he comes back and then he gets frustrated with the nagging, complaining, the commitment again. he can't make up his mind as to what he wants. he doesn't know if he wants to be with you or without. so he continues to go back and forth, until he can decide. or until you get frustrated enough to just leave him alone.

#2: dependent on you..

sometimes when you've counted on someone to be there for you for a long time. it becomes second nature to call on them or "need" them when it's convenient. it's one of those things where "you're the only person who understands him". and even though he broke up with you to be with someone else. or he just couldn't take the relationship anymore. or he needed space, time to grow, time to find out "who he is". as soon as something comes up, your number is the first one he calls.

if someone close to him dies. if he loses his job, or has a bad day at work. if he needs someone to wait for a delivery. someone to watch his kid for a few hours. if he has an accident and needs someone by his side. if he's just lonely and wants to share some news with someone. sometimes he gets in a combination of #4 & #3 ...he's unsure about his initial decision not to be with you, misses your company, wants the closeness, sex, attention...but at the same time he's really not trying to be with you. he just wants the things you offer. and it's hard for him to stop looking to you for them. so he hits you up. brushes the cob webs off your heart. and gives you that glimmer of hope you've been waiting on for the moment. because in that moment he needs & wants you. but once he gets over his crisis. once the task is done, he's back to his original state. and that's the state of "not wanting to be with you".

#1: you let him...

in your attempt to love him, you lose your ability to love yourself more. so in turn you accept treatment that you ordinarily would not accept from other people. yanno how your friends/family say..."if i did that..you wouldn't talk to me for a week?". but he can go an cheat on you, talk to you any kind of way, not call or explain why he wasn't there when you needed him. and you're chasing him with a wedding dress on.

allow me to be a little crass. yanno how when a guy sees a beautiful woman. and all the blood leaves his brain and rushes to one part of his body?..that's how you ladies are with love. you fall in love with a dude. and all the sense leaves your brain and rushes to your heart. and you're standing there, knowing better. but doing shit that you never thought you'd do. you'd never be that stupid. you'd never let a guy treat you this way. you'd never be "that girl...". shit it's not exclusive to you ladies. men find themselves in that same predicament all the time too. that's just what love does to you sometimes. the thing to remember is, someone who loves you SHOULDN'T play games like that with you. if someone is constantly pushing you away. and you keep coming back, it stops being them. and becomes you. because first time you can give them the benefit of the doubt. but if all they do is win you back to treat you bad...you should catch on to how this story is going to go. love blinds you. it makes you put your faith in someone. and we all know faith is a very powerful thing. but once a person shows you that they aren't worthy, and aren't going to treat you like you're worthy...cut the string. and i promise they won't pull you back again.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

i havent forgot...

manfive..is coming, after the holiday. sorry to be so late. my son graduated Friday. his Godfathers came in town (my cousin & production partner) and i've been coerced into some serious fuckery with them. so as soon as i get back.....i'm posting a manfive. y'all have a nice memorial day!
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Monday, May 23, 2011

update: on my sexy...

Midnight workout, 5 miles this morning. 3lbs lighter. Didn't hit my 5 mark..but considering it hasn't even been a full day. I'm good. I know all the dramatic weight will come off first. So my aim this week is about 10lbs.
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Sunday, May 22, 2011

let go & let GOD

so i know my last few blogs have been depressing....

i know cause they depressed me as i was writing them. but i needed to get that off my chest. and out of my system. right now, i still feel some kinda way. but i decided to let go, and let God handle it.

i finally spoke to my chick. got what i needed to off my chest. and if a little time of clarity helps us GREAT. if it doesn't i'm not even gonna worry about it right now.

i told myself before all of this happened that it was time to get myself together. time to dedicate myself to taking care of myself. i want to lose about 50lbs. i have a full attack plan to make that happen. i start tonight at midnight. a lot of people think i'm bullshitting because i've been saying for a while i need to lose weight. but this time i'm really going to give it 100%. not that 50% this day, 80% this day, 12% that day. this is going to be for me. not anyone else. i'm going to also take my health more seriously.

as you guys know i have MS. and i really shouldn't have this extra weight on me anyway. although the extra weight is a result of me gaining the weight. both from the medications and just being plain ol' depressed i have something i'll never be cured of. i'm accepting it now, and i'm going to work to doing better to take care of it. starting with the diet. then i'm going to start tonight taking my injections EVERY day, instead of skipping days at a time. i'm going to get me a new doctor and i'm going to stay on top of this. it's a pain in the ass, but i'd rather it be a pain in the ass for me then for my son or parents to have to be taking care of me if it gets worse. so....

i'm starting today with a new attitude. tonight with a new workout plan. and tomorrow with a new me. i appreciate everyone hitting me up. all your encouragement for my mini "woe-is-me" party. right now i'm in an okay space..and hopefully pretty soon it'll be a great space.

God has spoken to my soul, and i'm finally listening. it's going to be alright. i'm going to be alright. maybe the rapture really has begun. because i feel all holy...yanno what they say.."when heathens see the light...the world must be ending..". lol

i'm a good heathen tho. God knows my heart.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

how i'm feeling...

shout out to luvlymskrissy for this video.

Friday, May 20, 2011

on a leash...

"Why does she make, calls out the blue. Now I'm awake, sleep isn't new..hey, hey, hey, hey..don't say you will, unless you when. hey,hey,hey,hey..don't say you will, and play you will. I pray you will" - "Say You Will", Kanye West

back & forth, back & forth
like a seesaw
emotions high, expectations low
do you love me, do you miss me, do you want us back
do you hate me, are you happy with the way things are
no clue what's on your mind, I'm still up in the air
you hit me up when you want to, only to ignore me when you want to...
how's that fair
on a leash, on a limb, just out there hanging
you pull me in, to push me out
you test the waters, when you're not sure you want to get in
you treat me like a stranger, when we used to be bestfriends
talk to me, make up your mind, what do you want to do
I feel like my hearts on a leash, when it comes to you
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manfive friday #79

so...you've given up the goods. you've been driving this guy to and from work everyday. you gave him the keys to your apartment. took him to meet your family. introduced him to all your friends. this is the one. you're the one..

or are you?

manfive friday #79: 5 reasons men lead you on, when they have no intention in claiming/wife-ing you.

so you think because he told you he loves you that means you going to get that "MRS" before his last name? or because he put in 6 years being a great boyfriend. then one day you realize this dude has no intention in making a real commitment to you. he's just been wasting your time. but wait...it gets worse, wait for it.......
he marries the first chick he dates after you.  yea, i'll ignore that slap print on your face. and i'll hand you your jaw that's laying on the floor right now. well let me clue you in on some of the reasons.

#5: he wants sex..

it's no secret. a man will say almost anything to get to the center of your tootsie roll pop. this is one of the biggest motivators for guys to lead you on. it's not so much a trick. well hell...most time it is a trick. most time they are just feeding your head with whatever it is you want to hear. but it's also a mind game. a game that a lot of you will lose because you'll assume he has to be doing all those nice things for more than just sex. you know what else? cause i'ma tell you what else...some of you ladies are guilty too. because you use sex thinking it'll keep him. so you enable him to get what he wants, before he gives you what you want. and that's your fatal mistake. you're expecting him to be so entranced that he falls in love and never leaves you. but what you've entered into is a give and take relationship..instead of a give and give relationship. yea he giving you some d(ic)k, but you're giving him something much more...your heart. and he's taking it, drinking the milk and eating the cookies too..which leaves you thirsty & hungry..for a real relationship. with someone who actually wants more that just sex.

#4: you're a challenge..

sorry to say, yes men like challenges. men like to conquer. men like to chase, catch, & destroy. and unfortunately sometimes, you have no idea why he chose to play with your emotions. but he did. and he laid in on thick. said all the right things. got you all in loveeeeee....then handed you the truth. "he's not really that into you...". he just thought it would be interesting to talk to you for a little bit. buy you a drink. see how far he could get with you. he never intended on it being a relationship. never intended on you catching feelings.

#3: you big dummy...

you picking him up from his baby mama's house. letting him drive your car. cooking and cleaning after him. letting him move in with you and not pay rent. loaning him money even on his payday week. why is he leading you on? cause you a dummy...STOP doing shit like that. he has to earn his way some kinda way and guess what he thinks he's paying you in? mind games. he's making you think you're doing this on your way to being his girl. when really you're only doing this on the way to taking his ass to hang out with his homeboys while your ass goes to work...

i'd say this is reserved for hoodrats..but no a lot of you ladies get too wrapped up into "taking care of a man" that you don't realize that he should be taking care of you too. and you allow him to exchange his presence as a gift. when he should be giving you presents as gifts.

#2: you're not wifey material..

ok. so all you ladies think you are what a man has been looking for all his life. and even if you don't, let's pretend that you do. a lot of men have an idea of the kind of woman they want to marry. difference between men and women...women set requirements before they'll even talk to you. men set requirements before they'll marry you. so even though he'll date you. even though he'll have sex with you. introduce you to his friends and family. he's not looking at you to be his wife. the qualities you possess are simply the qualities he needs to be with you right now. in fact most men date women the opposite of what they want their wife to be. and in the middle of his quest of maturity you might find yourself the victim of a guy who's just wasting time with you. that's why he can get married after only 2 months of dating the next chick. because by the time he's met her, he's already built relationship experience with you. you ladies shouldn't stay with a guy for multiple years, without knowing what his long term intentions are.

#1: he doesn't realize he's leading you on..

i know you're saying, what you been smoking Un..? i ain't been smoking nothing. i know some of you ladies have been with that guy who you know from the bottom of your heart loved you. he was your boyfriend. he wasn't just after you for sex. he wasn't just after you because you had a cute face. he wasn't just after you for what you could do for him. but somehow, someway shit just didn't happen for y'all. like one day he just woke up and decided..."this is not the relationship for me...." or he decided he wasn't ready for a committed relationship. believe it or not, men sometimes don't realize they are leading you on. they are saying how they really feel. sincerely giving you the things you want, because they are trying to make you happy. but in the grand scheme of things, it's moving too fast for them. and once they realize they've reached a dead end with you....it's you that's left holding the bags.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


it was my choice..

i jumped.

no parachute. no net.

into hands that weren't ready..head first into a heart that couldn't catch me..

but i wanted to be there.

i didn't care if you didn't catch me

i didn't care if you didn't jump with me

it was worth it, to love you

i don't regret that.

don't regret telling the world i loved you

cause i did. do.

you aren't.weren't.will never be invisible in my life

i changed for you.

i changed because of you.

i will never be the same. never love the same. never feel the same.

what i had with you, will never be had with anyone else

i already miss it


i already want it back


i don't know how i'll go on without it


utterly, totally, completly..heart.broken.

that i can't make you love me....

Friday, May 6, 2011

manfive friday #78

so it's decided. you're ready to quit your job. pack up your place. and move across the country. upstate. across down. around the corner to live out your dream with the man you love.

i know some of you are sitting there shaking your head. "never me. never would i be that stupid..". i hate to tell you ladies..one day love will come, kick you in the ass, and knock all your good senses out of your head. one day. yes, one day you might find yourself deeming someone so important you're willing to give up everything to be with. to be near. to have and to hold on a every night basis. sounds crazy huh?

manfive friday #78 topic of the week: 5 things to consider when contemplating moving to be with him..

now i know there are a lot of you out there who think that moving for a man is barbaric. some of you look at it as the end of life as you know it. some of you see it as your independence slipping through and between your little manicured fingers. i know..cause my current chick views it this way. some of you ladies feel it's a last resort. it's something you'll do when you've gotten to that point in your life where it's inevitable. then there are the ladies who have been waiting on a man to utter those words, "i want to wake up beside you every morning". or he tells you he misses you so much and hates not being near you. and your little romantic heart flutters with love, and you two can think of nothing more delightful then being close to the one you love. this manfive is for all of you..

#5: do not move for a temporary get-a-way

make sure you actually want to be with dude. this is mostly you young ladies who are trying to escape something. you see moving as a new start. a new beginning. something "better" than your current situation. you're living with your mom and getting tired of having to be in before 1am. if you're just moving to escape a bad situation...


temporary isn't forever. and you'll find yourself trying to escape this situation soon as well. moving to be with someone isn't a spontaneous decision. it's not a "it's better than living with my mama" decision. it's not a "i have a sucky job, and he has an apartment i can stay in free" decision. it's not a "let's place house..and if i don't like it i can leave" decision. if the only reasons you come up with are to escape your current circumstances.. remember this.

you can be in a fucked up situation no matter where you are, and who you're living with. 

stay your ass at home with your mama til you can find a better solution. your mama might have dumb ass rules, but she ain't gonna expect you to kick in half the rent, cook dinner, and give up the ass..these are things you give freely when you actually want to be with someone. but doing it to maintain a place to stay, becomes a job. a job you might not want after a while...

#4: do not move if he is not promising you anything

i tell all my female friends who hit me with the, "he wants me to move in..." situation, to evaluate what he's offering you. sharing an apartment as "roommates w/ benefits" is one thing. giving up your apartment to move in with him, quitting a job, moving to another state..etc. is a commitment. so why are you making a commitment like that, without one from him? you think i'm bullshitting. some women move in with guys who won't even call them their girlfriends. some women drop everything to "support" a man who isn't "ready for a relationship".

it's time you ladies started valuing yourselves, your time, your sacrifices. it's hard to get most of you to give up the remote control let alone, convince you to give up your job. if he's asking you to sacrifice, make sure he's offering you something better. if not..why the hell are you moving?

#3. have a plan. a real plan.

 a lot of you independent ladies look at moving for a guy as death. it's equivalent to a man giving up his "black book". you feel like you're giving up life as you know it. it's not for selfish reasons like, "you want to bang all the dudes you can before you're 30...".. oh no..y'all got your own selfish reasons, "this dude gonna want to have kids....", "he's gonna want me to be playing the wife role...", "he's gonna expect me to assimilate to his life..". yes. you ladies want to be independent forever. you want to have a husband, but you still want to be independent.

so what i'm about to say next is gonna sound like a contradiction. you can't hold on to your independence when it comes to being with someone else. if you truly love him & trust him, you're going to have to depend on him. when i say depend on him, i mean period. not on a financial tip. not on a "you're my only friend" tip. not on a "i can't make decisions for myself" tip. but on a "i love you and we're going to do this together" tip.

that being said. if you move. if you give up things to be with him. even if he's offering you marriage. even if he's offering you a serious commitment. do not move without any backup (a trade, skills, etc..). i think we all know that a ring doesn't mean y'all getting married. co-signing on shit doesn't legally bind you to each other (only binds both of you to the shit you co-signed for). i'm not saying, don't take a leap of faith. i'm not saying don't trust him.

what i'm saying is don't quit Medical school to move in with a guy barely making it. you have to be secure in your dependence to him. this doesn't mean you have to be working, just make sure if you have to..you can. it doesn't mean you have to have a PH.D., just means that you transfer schools if you move. moving doesn't mean you have to give up opportunities. and this isn't being pessimistic. it's just a safeguard. if anything happens, you have to be able to land back on your own feet. don't let someone cripple you or your life. believing someone is "the one" is worth taking the chance. but if that doesn't pan out, always have something to fall back on. have a plan b...

#2: hurt when breathe...

yes i'm making fun of diddy. but seriously. if it hurts to breathe without him. then what are you waiting for? if you've weighed the options. if you can't live without him. then move. stop being afraid. stop being unsure. uncertainty is for people with too much time on their hands. i know it's like telling someone on the edge of a building to jump. but jumping with a bungee cord. jumping with a parachute. jumping with a safety net ...are all going to give you that scary thrill of "this might be a mistake". but in the end you'll be alright and enjoy that thrill. what you're getting is worth being afraid. it's worth taking that leap. if it's real, if it works..it's worth any & everything you could possibly do. so go head and breathe...

#1: slow it down..

if you relocate. and it's too much, too fast. slow it down. moving to be closer to someone doesn't always mean moving in the same home. doesn't mean moving to the same city. doesn't mean that you're obligated to play house. just means you genuinely miss that person. so instead of you living in Japan and him living in Australia...maybe y'all can move to the same continent. instead of him living in New York and you living in California. y'all coordinate it so y'all are in the same time zone. baby steps for y'all who aren't ready to dive in head first. or like i call it, "heart first".

i get into arguments with my chick all the time because she'll comment on how she visits a place and wants to move there for 3 months. and it's like..um..how about here? and she doesn't get it's not a "you need to move in with me thing". it's a "you need to be trying to move closer not further away..". this step takes a lot of patient. takes maturity. because let's face it..you're still not together. you're still operating in a "long distance" relationship. but it's a step. a step closer to where you need to be headed.

stop fearing commitment. stop being scared. if you need to ease into it...do that. but ultimately be sure. be ready. and be honest. it won't work if only one person wants it.

(yall see how i got this manfive up all early on a friday. promise i'm about to start doing better lol)

Monday, May 2, 2011

pinch me.

a look. a thought.
ignite me. excite me.
you take me to a place. . .
so high, i get afraid.
so deep, i get lost.
so real, i pinch myself.
i find myself waiting. . .
for the catch
for the hidden cameras
for reality to set in, because things like this don't happen to me
people like you, don't usually happen for me
if it's once in a lifetime, let it be you
cause i see my today & my tomorrows with you
a blessing. a gift. the best i could pray for.
in you is everything i was promised
everything i hoped for
everything i could ever imagine in one person could exisit
pinch me. so i can know you're real.
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