Friday, April 30, 2010

manfive friday #41

you ever had that ONE person who won't/can't leave you alone? it's like they can't go on and live their life. like they can't/won't/don't catch the hint? or maybe you're that person who's sitting at home, calling...hoping..wishing..he'll fall off a bridge, get a concussion, change his crazy ways and want you back.

manfive friday #41 topic of the week: why he won't come back or revisit the relationship you once had.

we all deal with exes differently. there are some of us men or women that are cold. some are forgiving. some try to be friends. other's try to make you jealous. whatever the case may be..there are a lot of games involved in relationships, even when the shit is over. here are 5 reasons why your man isn't falling for your tricks or thinking about getting back with you...

#5: jealousy doesn't look good on you...

okay, we didn't like it when we were with you..we sure as hell don't like it when we aren't. women go over the deep-end with the jealousy. most times it isn't even about us. you don't have to think we're the most desirable man in the world. or that we can get any chick we want. most times it's insecurities you have. it's you looking at us for that ONE quality you love about us and thinking everyone will magically see that and want to get with us. i swear you can be with a chick who can tell you all day you ain't shit...then turn around and tell you she saw that chick staring at you. as long as you're jealous and worse than that, SHOWING your jealousy..he's not coming back. and forget trying to make us jealous, because again...i've told you that men don't react the same way you ladies do to that. if you show up with a new dude, more than likely, he'll be upset (if he actually cared about you)..but that wont make him see the error of his ways. be careful with that. because when a guy does that, it cuts yall. almost like you've been replaced. but when yall do that, it just reconfirms we shouldn't be with you. that wont make you look more desirable and he'll think "he lost one...". all he sees is you're with another dude and now he don't wanna fuck with you. us talking after the breakup and you telling me you're dating or seeing someone else, isn't gonna make me get off the phone and cry. it's just gonna make me get off the phone with you. i don't wanna hear that shit. not because i'm jealous, but because i don't care. and you will have handed me the last piece of "i don't care" to honestly hang up the phone and never talk to you again. so playing the jealousy game WILL not work. especially since me telling you about the next chick. and how i changed up my bad ways for her. and how she's making me happy. and how she's doing this and that...will fuck you up a lot worse than you doing it to me. this is an area you should just leave alone. seriously.

#4: tricks are for kids...

let's be real, if you want to be treated as an have to act like one. games = bullshit. and we have no time or patience for bullshit. women, play games. and it's almost innately in your nature to do so. so we instinctively expect & anticipate your games. we expect you to hit us up acting like "you're doing all good by yourself..." only to break down somewhere in the conversation. once you break down, the game is over. we already think naturally the fact that you even reached back out to us, you still want to be with us. because a woman scolded..will leave you the fuck alone. like you have to almost stalk her ass to get her to talk to you. you have to come up to her job, call her phone 783 million times, hit her friends up, stand outside her mama's house in the rain with a sign asking her to please call you. because once yall are done, yall are "i'm never talking to your ass ever again" done. but a woman who is still calling or answering the phone. a woman who is still trying to "talk about our relationship" is still in the fold. don't act like you're not. don't act like we just arguing 6 months after we broke up for no reason. or that you hitting me up was coincidental. or that you dialed my number by mistake. or that you texted me that message by mistake. don't play on our phone, call our new chick. harass our new chick. don't send your friends who wanted to get with us anyway, to see if "well try to get with them". if that's the same chick you didn't trust around us BEFORE we broke up, why you trust her now? just stop it. stop testing us. and stop hitting us up and/or concocting schemes to make us talk to you. i've had one chick go so far as to tell me she was "calling to make peace with me, cause she was sick and might not make it...". and months later she still on that shit. it's like come on..if you were dying in november why are you in april talking about you're still dying. when is that happening again? i don't have time to play that game with you. nor do i think it's funny to play like that. get a life & move on. it's not gonna happen.

#3: harassing, plotting on, or blaming the next chick is not gonna win us back...

again, we don't care if she a hoe. we don't care if she on fugly and she ain't got shit on you. we don't care her clothes are from last year. that she wears white after labor day. that bag is fake. that her weave is old. that her nails are chipped. we aren't concerned with what you got to say about her. we are with her for whatever reason we want to be with her. you calling her. you calling me a million times trying to make it seem like we got something going on. that is NOT gonna make you win the race tortoise. all that means is you're interfering in our life and fucking up what we're trying to do with someone else. which only further proves why we stopped fucking with you. you funstopper. stop trying to prohibit my fun because you're jealous or want me back. if you were really trying to get me, you'd suggest we all just hang out (just kidding..or am i?..lmao).

whatever the case, blaming the next chick especially one who had nothing to do with your wrong. she is the chick he saw walking out the store and got her name. she is the chick he swept in and was talking about that vulnerable, sensitive, "i just got out a relationship" shit to. she could have been you, when you first started talking to him. she could be you when the next guy who thinks you have a nice smile tries to get at you. STOP going in on her like she broke up with you. don't ever let his new chick know you're jealous of her. or you still want HER man (because he's her's now). yanno she already talks shit about you wanting him anyway. don't give her that edge over you.

i'm not saying i don't see where yall coming from. i agree if she was the bitch he cheated with. if she was calling and playing games with you. it's tempting to fall into that same mode. or to be bitter. but taking the higher road will always guarantee he'll look at you with more respect. because he'll break up with that bitch eventually. he'll see she's just a hoe, you don't have to show him or convince him of that. because by you acting up, all you're showing him is you're unstable and he still has some power over you. take back some control. don't let someone make you act out of character. have you acting like angela on "why did i get married" ready to bust a cap in every chick that he talks to, or patricia breaking up shit in your own house. don't let a man take you there. you can have a moment. you can cry to yourself. throw something against the wall. but then move on. don't be sitting out on you're lawn, his clothes inside his car on fire like angela bassett from waiting to exhale. yes, that was a good tactic for a movie. but don't let loving no man send you to jail. we want a rider...but you don't wanna be in there while we out living our life with someone else. think first ladies.

#2: sex is NOT the answer...

you having sex with me after we broke us having sex. it's both of us missing that feeling, wanting that feeling, having an itch. it does not mean we're getting back together. don't go sending me naked pictures of you asking me "i bet you miss this". don't go wearing sexy shit trying to turn me on, thinking once we have sex we're back together. don't try to entice me with you charms, and think that will be enough to erase why we aren't together. yea we love it. we want some more of if. but it's not going to keep us if that's all that is there. and once we find someone else that we're getting it from...your "center goodness" won't have us jumping over buildings, knocking down old people, leaving our job to come get it. so don't use sex as a weapon, because more than likely you're "center goodness" has changed from "atomic bomb" strength to "security guard night stick" strength. we may still want it, like it, beat it up..but your days of controlling us with it are over. so do you, if you want it..come get it. but don't have any expectations that anything is coming of that other than a nut.

#1: you won't accept reality...

it's over. yes it may be the end of an era. but we've moved on. doesn't mean we've found someone else. just means we realized you weren't the one for us. we don't want to be with you, so guess what? it's not gonna happen. i know it's hard to accept. but you can't make someone love you (even if they should). and of course we all think someone who's been in a relationship with us should host residual feelings. and if they really loved us, they will. but just because someone has feelings for you doesn't mean their life is owed to you. i know that's hard to swallow.i felt like i've done so much for someone. i sacrificed and stuck in there for someone. for it to all come down to them walking away like they owed me nothing. but they wasted my life, they changed my life, they fucked up everything i knew and thought i knew about love. the things i wanted with them and for my life..completely taken away. just by them deciding to leave. that's some hard ass shit to accept. but once you see it for what it is, you're able to move on. you're able to focus on yourself. because i guarantee if you feel like that..then you've been focusing on them more than yourself. you built your hopes & dreams around them, and them leaving shattered those for you. it's time for you to build them around yourself and continue on with your life. someone else will come. someone better. someone who is meant to be with you. someone who will endure the tough shit and won't walk away, stray, or treat you like that one in your past. the hardest lesson about loving, is letting go. we'd all prefer to be with someone till death. but sometimes they leave us before that. so deal with it. it's life. it's okay to cry. okay to miss someone. it's okay to protect your heart. but realize you are in control of that. you are in control of allowing someone to attach themselves to you so much that you walk around in life with them when they've moved on to someone else. don't carry someone who doesn't want to be with you forever. don't allow them to be a permanent fixture on your heart or soul....when they are with someone else. carrying someone else around on theirs. yes...."i will always love you..." can play on repeat in your mind every time you see them or look at their picture. but realize that song is whitney 2010, not whitney 1992. it does not sound, look, or feel the same as it did when you were with him. don't hold on to some shit as if it's the end all to your existence. you're still alive. you're still able to find love with someone. if someone doesn't want to be with's their loss. don't continue to hang on & trying to pull back someone who clearly you weren't meant to be with. if they aren't there with you in the end, they weren't the one. don't continue to think they are. because the only one who gets cheated is you.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

#twitterkills thursday #24

ever been on twitter and got the feeling that someone on your timeline doesn't get that it's just twitter?

#twitterkills thursday topic of the week: social media & branding whores.

you ever felt like you were watching a commercial on twitter? like every 3 tweets from a person is a link to something. personally i try to block most of the spammers. if you add me and your most recent tweets read:

@imabrandbitch: maximize your wealth
@imabrandbitch: grow a whole 3 inches instantly
@imabrandbitch: i got 300 followers in 3 minutes, because of twitterstalker

yup, you get blocked right away. i don't even bother. or if you're following 6,039 people. yea, i don't waste my time. the point of following people to me is getting to know people and enjoying their entertaining 140 characters. so i'm not a fan of mass followers who just follow you for numbers. so if you're peddling your "brand" go some place else cause i'm not interested.

the other offenders. the people who JOIN every social networking fad. yanno the formspring folks, the 4square folks, the tumblr folks,twitterscope, myspace, facebook, etc.. if you have an account on every social network, go shoot yourself. there is NO reason why you have to be linked to everyone in the world. you are NOT missing out, by not being on ONE social network. if you are constantly looking for things to link you to others you are a social media slut. you need that shit to feed the desire of being "in the know". and that right there sounds like a 2010 OCD waiting to happen. watch and see people will start checking into "social media rehabs" soon. i've already saw a mother who admitted to neglecting and even IGNORING her children because she was always on her phone or her computer checking out what everyone else was doing. which leads to her....NOT doing shit herself. stop it. i want to save your life today. if you have to be connected to everyone. if you have to be linked to everyone you know on everything. then you are doing too much. there are people who like connecting with others. and there are people who just do shit to be connected. if you bitch about people having their location tied to their tweets, why the fuck are you on 4square? it's the same shit. if blogs are JUST people THINKING their opinions were golden. why you got a tumblr? if you got a problem with people sharing personal shit on twitter, why you got a formspring? why do you even read people's formsprings, blogs, tumblrs, facebooks etc..if you got a problem with them? oh, because if you don't you're missing out on something....right.

a fad is a fad yall. if you join some shit because it's new and you want to check it out. ok. be like normal people. if you jump on some shit and it gets fun, start neglecting the other shit you were on previously. find a balance but don't go hardcore on everything. don't check everything every morning before you brush your teeth. don't be on everything daily like it's what gives you life. and if you complain about everything. if you criticize everyone else, evaluate yourself first. i'd much rather be a pompous blogger that THINKS people care about what i got to say. then someone who cares about what everyone else has to say and being "in"on a fad to be a part of the crowd.

i don't do this shit to look cool, i am fucking cool...bitch -@studiogenius

now sign up for me to shoot you..

Saturday, April 24, 2010

hopeless romantic. . .

"Hopeless romantics believe in true love, and the eternal bliss that comes from being united with one's soul mate is what they crave most.

Hopeless romantics recognize in themselves the ability to love infinitely deeply, and they ache to be loved with the same fervor in return. When a hopeless romantic has someone to lavish their affection on, lavish they do. Hopeless romantics sometimes write love letters full of poetic phrases and send flowers, but mostly they try to find a thousand thoughtful little ways to show their love. They make romance into an art form.

Hopeless non-romantics think that hopeless romantics are delusional and too intense. Other than the seeming futility in the search for a soul mate, nothing frustrates a hopeless romantic more than a significant other who does not understand the hopeless romantic temperament."

hi, i'm an hopeless romantic. nice to meet you. i am on a quest to love & to be loved. my ideal love? someone who looks at me and sees everything they need, want, & could ever desire. i know i'm not perfect, yet i try to become whatever it is they need me to be. is it too much to ask that they do the same in return? i know, chivalry is dead. being a gentleman is archaic. actually being a nice guy, strike 1, strike 2, strike 3...i know i'm out. but what happen to the lovers? what happen to the other hopeless romantics? where are the ladies who enjoy being courted. who enjoy a love note, written on scratch paper. cards with actual feelings inside, not just the store bought ones. what happen to a woman actually smelling the flowers you buy her, touching them, smiling, thanking you? you know i've never been on a date with a woman or saw her without giving her flowers? what happen to the women that noticed that?

where are the ladies who aren't afraid to be locked in the house all weekend with you. that find enjoyment by just being close to you? yes, we can go out and explore the world, town, neighborhood..but what's wrong with exploring each other? caressing my hand, interlocking my fingers. kissing, touching, gazing into one another's eyes. talking. actually talking. i wanna know you. what you like, don't like. the thoughts in your head. i don't care if all you're thinking about is, "i need to wash my hair..when i get home". that's interesting to me. you're interesting to me. i wanna learn you. i wanna read your moods, expressions, your thoughts. yes, it sounds obsessive but i want to be able to look at you and just know what's on your mind. i wanna share inside jokes without speaking. yanno, that smile we give each other when others are around..that lets one another know we're thinking the same thing. i want you to share your dreams with me. your passions, your fears. i wanna know what scares you, so i can protect you.. what hurts you, so i can never do that.

let me look at you. so what if i stare..maybe i love your smile. or the way your eyes invite me in & speak to my soul. did you know i can recite every line, freckle, birth mark, wrinkle you have? it's because when i look at you, its not purely of a sexual manner. i look at you for the beauty God created me to see. and let me just say, after seeing you...he is my favorite artist, hands down. i want you to see me that way. i want you to love my soul, so that one day when we do leave our bodies...we will find one another because we we're always in love. do you believe in deja vu? i do, i believe we were together before. and despite the years, the geographical distance, the different environmental upbringings..we still found each other. isn't that something? i found you, you found me. coincidence...or destiny? tell me do you believe? in love? in lust, in pleasure. all can be obtained as long as you never lose focus on the first. i lust for the pleasures of loving you. it's like you give me breath, hence you give me life. your love is what keeps me alive, and i need that. i need you. notice, i said need..not want. because you are a priority, it's essential that i have you. for you are what love is, and i NEED love.

all i ask? is for understanding and reciprocity. understand that this love isn't for everyone. that it isn't easily obtainable. if you can't work for it, fight for it, live for it, love for isn't for you. if it's too much. if you can't handle someone loving you intensely. walk away. if "i've never had anyone treat me like this.." stops you from letting me treat you the way you're supposed to be treated..go back to mr. wrong. i know it may be intimidating...a man who actually tells you what's in his heart, on his mind, and that he wants no one but you..forever. it's all good, take some time to let that soak in, i'll wait....

but be advised that although a hopeless romantic is annoying at times. even though we can be a wee bit overwhelming. once a woman who is ready for one, takes notice. we are heavily in demand. meaning...we are a diamond in a field full of coal. yes, the coal has the potential to produce a diamond and shine. but we are 99.9% less work...and much more desirable. don't let the next chick get your diamond....i'm saying..if you like it you better make me put a ring on it..


tha hopeless romantic

Friday, April 23, 2010

manfive friday #40 ever said some shit you wish you could take back? like once it left your lips you were sitting there like, "shit, shit, shit....."

this week's manfive friday topic of the week: 5 things a woman could say or do that we will never forget/forgive.

as men we've learned there are just some things you don't/can't say to a woman. we've learned the art of keeping the "inside thoughts" to ourselves. if you ask us if we think you're fat. or if we think what you just said was stupid. we know not to comment. we enforce our right to remain silent. you ladies....not so much. yall have the bad habit of saying what's on your mind, first. thinking about it, last. there are a lot of things you can say/do & take back...but there are a few you can't. five things that can pretty much guarantee he'll never forget and maybe never forgive you for are...

#5: bruising our ego. . .

something i have to say about women. yall know how to hurt us. yall know how to drive that knife in, turn it, turn it again, turn it some more, push it deeper, pull it out, clean it off, and jab that shit right back in. knowing you possess power like this, would make you think you'd be responsible with it. yea, fucking right. let me clue you ladies in on a few things that a man will never forgive you for:

-call a man a bitch or punk
-talk about his dick
-suggest he "isn't man enough"...

first. if you call a dude a bitch. even out of frustration or anger. he will never get over that shit. it's like telling him he sucks dick & likes it. seriously. it's so absurd that a guy doesn't even think it's possible you'd ever say it to him. so when you do say it..he's standing there like "WTF" and trying his hardest not to have a chris brown moment. and don't smirk or say that shit again. if it slips, just act like you ain't said it and keep it moving. cause i swear you gonna have to make up for that shit if he stay with you.

second. unless you saying you want it, like it, need it, or it's the best shit in the world. don't talk about a dude's dick. there are some of us who get positive compliments. and other's who get not so positive complaints. you wanna piss a dude off..tell him his dick ain't good. whether it's too small. too skinny. uncut. can't stroke it. bust too fast. last too long. it's too big. you don't think about it. your ex's was better. whatever it is you got to say that isn't positive. is a no-no. don't do that shit. that's about our only body part we care about.

last. do not insult his manhood. i know it's easy. it's easy to act like we can't provide, take care of, or fix something. you ladies are masters at throwing that in our face when something goes wrong. that's the downside to being the one in the "lead" that it's easy to point a finger when shit doesn't go right. yes, there are times where a man may fail. he may be wrong or he could have handled the situation better. but when you point it out in a demeaning way it kills a ydude. because guess what, it may be true. and the truth hurts. not knowing how to do something is equivalent to failing to us. letting you down, especially if "not letting you down" is important to us is almost worst than death. that's why a lot of dudes choose to do shiesty shit instead of facing you and admitting they can't take care of you or need help.

i'm not suggesting you lie to protect dudes ego. i'm just saying, watch how you comment about these areas. these are our sensitive areas. these are the areas where the sting will be felt the most. and yanno what happens to bees when they sting you?..they die. that's what will happen to your relationship.

#4: your ex

we aren't gonna forget anything you tell us about your ex. almost like you can tell us everything we've said about ours word for word. just because we don't harp on it, bring it up, or act insecure about it..we don't forget. if you tell me you were into some freaky shit with me. when you tell me "i don't do that...". i'm gonna say, "no, you just don't do that shit with me". if you go hard on me about being friends with my ex...i'm gonna remember that shit. so when you wanna meet him for lunch because he's in town. or he's still your friend on facebook. or he's sending you text or tweets here an there. that shit is NOT gonna be cool.

don't let the smooth act fool you. we can spot fuckery too, but men don't get jealous. we get single. you telling us about a dude checking on you, isn't gonna make us jealous. it's going to make us mad. if you tell me your ex sent you flowers. i'm going to be like, "so what". if you tell me your ex sent you flowers and you're acting like those are the best flowers in the world. that's when it's going to be a problem. if you hint or confess you still have feelings for dude. you can never have anything to do with him again. if you ever tell me he was better than me at something, you can never expect me to forget that. don't compare apples & oranges. if we're so different, he's not an don't act like we're in the same category.

#3: talk about his family or friends...

among the few things sacred to a man, you wanna really fuck it up. talk about his family. call his mama crazy. call his kids ugly. tell him his friends are losers. you might as well just add, "i don't wanna be with you" after those comments. you'd think that this would be a given, but no you ladies always try to push the envelope. always trying to find a way to hurt or cut a little deeper. no matter if it's true or not. because shit..his mama may be crazy. his kids could be gremlins. and his friends may be scrubs. nevertheless, it's not something you say if you plan on being around for a while. because even after you're cool again..he's not gonna be feeling that. he's gonna stop having you around his friends. he's gonna tell his mama you think she's crazy. he's gonna deny you some of his ugly kids, since you think they so ugly and all. talking about the people closest to him isn't going to win you any points. so bite your tongue as much as possible. and choose your words carefully. you don't have say nice things, but you also don't have to say bad things.

#2: cheat on him...physically or emotionally. . .

you ladies are built differently from us. some of you can get over a guy cheating on, especially if it meant nothing. we are NOT built like that. i mean think about it like this. we don't like you sleeping with anyone cept us. meaning even when you weren't with us...we didn't like that shit. so imagine how we feel when you are with us.

physically cheating on us is hurtful because it makes us feel inadequate. it makes us feel like you wanted someone else. for whatever reason. women aren't supposed to be able to cheat (yea it sounds stupid, but that's how we think). so you going out your way to cheat on us is another slap in the face. but couple that with emotional cheating. getting close to another dude even if you're not getting poked bothers us too. one of the biggest qualities we look to women for is loyalty. even if dude is cheating on you, he still expects you to be faithful. that's what we look towards you for. once we've lost you...we've lost you. that's another difference. women think they can pull a man back. fix the relationship. move on & make it better. men are the opposite. as soon as you've broken it, it's broken. we don't want you. we don't want to fix it. it's like made your choice. fuck you. you cheat on us, we can't even see nothing else. we can't even look at you the same. it's not something we'll forget. or easily forgive. not saying it's NOT possible. just saying it's a slim to none chance you'll still have a healthy relationship after you cheat.

#1: insult something he can't change/help...

what's the old saying, "if you can't say nothing nice, you shouldn't say anything at all...". sometimes you ladies get diarrhea of the mouth. you start talking and something comes out that you didn't expect or intend to say. something that if you could explain maybe you could make it better. but by the time you've said have NO MORE ROOM for explanation. the worst thing you can do is insult something he can't change. whether you tell him he's not your type. you're not attracted to him. you don't love him. you can't stand him. whatever it is, if it's something he can't change, you'll never convince him you didn't mean it. you can be honest. you can encourage him to change things about himself you don't like that can be changed. but the moment you say it's something about him that you don't like that he can't's over.

he'll never let you have that back. and it seems petty. but who doesn't do that shit? just because we're men don't mean you can't hurt our feelings. doesn't mean we don't get insecure. just means we hide it better. which means you'll never really know how much it bothers us until we are pissed beyond belief. then it may be too late.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

#twitterkills thursday #23

ok. today i'm gonna be a sharp shooter #twitterkiller. you ever had that one person who used others to make themselves seem important? like when they had tons of followers. their avatar was all professional and shit. and then you follow them and it's like W T F. yes, a lot of celebrities do this daily. once you find out they are just as lame as yall, you're thinking.."why does anyone follow them?..."

today #twitterkills thursday topics is: "important by validation...".

you ever read into someone's tweet and figured out they are just putting on for twitter? not really lying. but if you really read their shit you'd realize they couldn't be as cool as they say. like no you never said you were at an exclusive party. you just said you were sooooooo drunk last night and saw all these celebrities but all your tweets said they were tweeted via web. all night long. so were you at home, watching the bet awards on dvr, drinking? i'm saying...*cue crickets*

it's like what is the point. . . there is no future in your fronting. even people who have tons of things they are doing. always out at some club twitpicing themselves with all the celebrities. if you want to convince me you're "cool" with them. show me one with them at your house. or you at their house. or yall playing cards. or yall laughing candidly. cause you in the club with the peace sign next to trey songz screams you're gay dude and you just stalked a dude to get a picture with him. it's crazy cause this one dude who follows me..i work with his cousin a few times a month. he will tweet he's hanging out with his cousin. and i'm sitting in there working with him. it's like dude.."why your cousin lying on you man?". what's the point? why do you need someone to validate how important you are? be important by yourself. do important shit that makes you special. i have much more respect for someone who has earned my friendship because of who they are vs. who they know. those aren't real friends. "networking" and knowing someone important doesn't make yall friends. i don't take anyone seriously who ask me for a "hook up" real talk. the second you ask me for a favor before we actually know each other i discard you to the "user bin". sorry. networking is for lazy people. there are people who, "get in because they know someone". and there are people who get in, because they earned it. who do you think gets more respect?

go lay down. *pow*. oh you wanna get up huh? go get some importance fool...*pow-pow-pow*

Monday, April 19, 2010

manfive (friday) monday #39

i apologize ladies. i know i'm seriously late with the manfive. my excuses. i've been sick. it was my birthday thursday. and i've been hanging with my girl all weekend. so now that my excuse are out there, i hope you all forgive me.

so without further interruption...manfive (friday) monday's topic of the week: 5 ways to cheat yourself out of a relying on a checklist.

i usually don't watch the reality shows of people i know. with the exception of ray j's & fantasia's (because the fuckery & coonery is NOT's the chicks & tasia's family). so ask me about anyone else's show...and i'ma be like, "i didn't watch it...". think about it. wouldn't it be weird to watch someone you know live their everyday life? especially when some (most) times you know that's NOT how they live?

but since i was hanging tight with my chick of course we watched the coonery last night. and based off of how my twitter looked last week after ms. chilli's show aired i figured it was something that needed to be addressed. now let me start by saying..chilli is NOT desperate. the show like most reality shows show shit one way. i have NEVER seen her ass without a man. last time i saw her she was in the men's department shopping for clothes, and no they weren't for her son. what her issue is. is simple. reality.

ladies. yall can go hard on her all you want. MOST if not ALL of yall have or have had a list. it's so retarded all the, "she's just too picky...", "she's almost 40..and don't have no man cause of those damn rules", "why is she so desperate?.." from chicks who'll say they'll only date a dude over 6 ft. or with a six pack. i saw this one chick tweet the other day, "unless you have a body like spartacus, and a sword to unfollow". yall women have lost yall fucking minds. it's not just her. she's just one of yall. she suffers from a syndrome i like to refer to as, "been fucked over one too many times so she has to define what she DOESN'T want". the show should really be called, "what chilli does NOT want".

woman have become extremely superficial these days. yanno how yall used to complain about dudes who'll date a smart girl, but only if she looks like a model. yall will only date a good guy if his ass look like he's fresh off the prison yard. imagine me telling a chick, "you'd be more attractive to me if you lost maybe 30-40 pounds. that's some maury type abuse shit. the boot camp dude would have me doing push ups and jumping over walls for saying that to my chick. but women have no problem saying that shit to you. or saying, "i just have a type". do you think that shit would work with a dude? "yea baby i love you, but you're not my type". even as crude as we are sometimes even WE know not to say that shit to yall. so what's the deal with the list ladies? i'm gonna tell you 5 reasons these "list" fuck up your life.

#5: they are NOT realistic.

if you are 300 lbs. you have no room to say you want a dude with a six pack. sorry. if i'm walking around with a beer belly, i can't complain about your thighs touching. so why you think you can tell me i need to do some crunches while you're crunching on a mr. goodbar and shit? if you make 30k a year, yes you can say you want a man that makes a million. but if you riding the bus you can't knock the dude sitting next to you cause he don't have no car and making the same amount as you. you ladies have confused your checklist with your wish list. yes, we all want the perfect somebody. we all want someone who matches what we ASPIRE to be. but if you haven't made it there yet..the hell you using your wish list like God is gonna play Santa and deliver you some shit just because you want it. he sends what you need, not want you want. stop overlooking someone because they don't match a list that is crazy to begin with.

to chilli's defense. she want a man with a six pack. she has a six pack. she wants a man who doesn't eat pork, cause her dad's muslim & she doesn't eat pork. ok. she want a man with a big dick, and sung about that shit almost 20 years ago..."ten inches of your rock hard or with it saggin...i aint too proud to beg". ok. doesn't smoke or drink. cause she does neither. no more than 2 baby mothers..cause she has 1 baby father, ok. this is REALISTIC shit for her. the shit sound crazy. but look at her exes. she is not STUCK like glue, this is what she wants. she isn't saying, "what chilli needs..." it's what she wants. and like most optimistic women, she's trying to see if it's possible to find that. i'm much more receptive to her saying this shit, then to a chick 5ft tall telling me she only dates men 6ft or taller. it's like...ok if midget porn is your thing..go for it.

#4: you don't update that shit...

okay, so you got a list and shit. you've stuck to it thus far and even though you're lonely most the time you get a man here & there. or you happen upon dating someone who doesn't quite check off all the boxes on your list. but now that you've dated a guy under 6ft tall...and it's been fine. why the fuck do you still have that on your list? if your range has moved to 5'9 through 6ft +, why are you still saying you'll only date a dude 6ft are taller? if you've dated a guy with a little gut, and you didn't get smothered to death (cause i know you ladies think he's gonna kill you in your sleep with his fat body *sarcastic typing sound*) why are you still acting like a guy has to look like he stepped off of "the best man", "the wood", how stella got her groove back"..etc? attraction is limited to what you THINK you want. stop pulling that sheet of notebook paper from when you were 13 and used to hide it under your mattress so your mama wouldn't find it, out and checking the same old ass list. stop it. people change. you change. what you want can change. stop holding yourself to old wants. the princes from out the storybooks are not going to ride in on their ponies like the guy from the red spice commercial and sweep you off your feet. let the man who is there and who will treat you right sweep you off your feet.

#3: stop being so literal and shit...

take off those "you're not my type" blocker shades you got on. ok so you don't date a guy under 6feet a dude 5'11 is too short. get the fuck outta here. i'm saying i don't eat pork. there is no particular reason why. other than i just don't. but once out of every blue moon if i pass by burger king i will get a ham, egg & cheese croissant. but i won't ever eat it for thanksgiving. i won't ever eat pork chops, you're trying to tell me that werewolf craving once a year will stop you from dating me? again..get the fuck outta here. there is a such thing as exceptions. just because you can't put that [X] in my box doesn't mean i couldn't get a [/]. chilli don't want a man who eat pork, but this is the same chick that said she was a vegetarian but will put away more wings than me on any given day. get the fuck outta here zonda. lol. look at dallas. look at usher. both smoke. both drink. dallas ain't cut. she makes exceptions. don't yall take this tv shit too seriously. she knows that this shit is a want list. not an exact list.

#2: you DON'T have to check off everything..

4 out of 5 isn't bad. stop acting like he has to be aren't perfect. unless you're God. so stop acting as if anyone is going to meet those standards. if a guy fits your list almost to a "t", stop sweating the ones he don't. if he meets the job, height, looks requirements then why are you stressing over the "likes to hang out with my friends" requirement? leave the man alone. realize when enough is enough. it's not considered settling. it's considered being realistic.

#1: make a NEED list & check it against your want list...

if you NEED a man spiritually sound...
but your list says: "need a man who is a member of the usher board"

if you NEED a man with a good relationship with his family...

but your list says: "must talk to his parents everyday..and get along with all members of his family"

if you NEED a healthy man...

but your list says: "must have a six pack and muscles everywhere.

there are ways to get what you want, but you have to make sure before you eliminate someone that they don't match the need. just because i don't have a six pack doesn't make me unhealthy. just because i don't go to church every sunday doesn't mean i'm spiritually unstable. i could quote circles around you about the bible. just because sometimes i don't wanna deal with my people don't mean i don't love them and that i had a bad upbringing. you have to weigh the want vs. the need. is it necessary for me to be a deacon to love the Lord? list are limitations. you are limiting yourself to certain things. why limit love? why limit the already small circle that is out there for you ladies. with men in jail, thugging, gay, etc..why make the list of eligible men even smaller for yourself?

like i said at the beginning. chilli is NOT desperate. she could be married already. she's attractive, funny, great sense of humor, great mom, she's financially straight. if she would have dealt with usher cheating he would have married her. real talk. but she knew that was NOT want she wanted. i'm not saying, yall can't want things in a man. i'm just saying when it comes to list...don't block your happiness because of past dealings, personal preferences "types", ideals, etc..

be open to people & you'll find there are more people out there with what you NEED than you actually thought. the state of women & marriage these days (especially black women) is crazy. yall aren't getting married. yes, a lot of it has to do with no good men. i'm not gonna lie or act like that doesn't play a factor. but a lot of yall are hurting yourselves. you can be picky and selective but own that at the end of the day. own that you're alone because you've chosen to be. you can blame a guy for being a bum, but you can't blame he from not being physically what you want. you can blame a guy for not taking care of his kids, but you can't blame him for having them. you can blame a guy for not being financial responsible, but you can't blame him for not going to college or obtaining higher forms of education. these are things that are nice. these are things that level out where you're coming from. but the latter things don't make the man. they make your impression/opinion of him. see past that first glance, conversation, or question you asked...and you might find that he can be what you want, because he's what you need.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

#twitterkills thursday #22

you ever encounter a fool just for sake of being a fool? you ever just want to @reply someone and say, "chill the fuck out!" or "shut the fuck up?"

this weeks #twitterkills thursday topic of the week: "why you so mad, it's just twitter?..."

i'm attacking the angry tweeters this week. the soapbox tweeters. not the "one day" ranters. or the "trending topic inspired this.." tweeters, but the all out angry tweeters who are just mad for no reason. i know yall got them on your timeline. those negative neds & nancys. they just wanna be mad about everything. everything is an issue. everything requires tons of tweets, until someone @replies them back in agreement or against them so they can be angry so more. it's got to the point the usual offenders i don't pay attention to ANYTHING they say anymore. it's like if you see a lot of tweets you know it's just some bullshit. yea..them.

what the fuck are you mad about? like really. seriously?...this is the internet. our only opinion about how to perceive you is through your tweets. so imagine that kind of person we think you are. and it's worse with the negative person is a friend, friend of a friend or yall used to be real good tweet buddies. it's like i can't unfollow their ass either. so you just deal with that shit. until they get all mad towards you. then you just gotta get stupid on twitter like them.

@angrytweeter: i hate life, i hate everything about life....
@studiogenius: then die lol (the lol was added to make them THINK it was a joke)
@angrytweeter: die? wtf you threatening me on twitter
@studiogenius: chill out was a joke (kinda but not really..)
@angrytweeter: you know what i hate? i hate when people joke with you when you're being dead ass serious
@studiogenius: i thought you said you hated life? oh..and everything about life?
@angrytweeter: see that's what i hate..when people think their funny
@studiogenius: oh so now, you hate people who think their funny, not life?
@angrytweeter: i'm logging off twitter before i blow something up
@studiogenius: l.o.l. frowny face
@angrytweeter: fuck you @studiogenius
@studiogenius: geez...why you so mad?

i wish i could just blow up their computer or maybe they just need a hug. everyone...*HUG* with me. next time your @angrytweeter tweets some mad ass shit just @reply them a *HUG*, bet you it pisses them off. just try it. they don't want no *HUG*. they just want some *HATE*. so for those hating ass angry ass tweeters..POW pow POW pow POW pow POW *stand up while i shoot you* POW

i will be catching up with the blogs & comments. been sick these past few days. but it's my birthday today so i decided to come out of bed rest & #twitterkill some fools.

Friday, April 9, 2010

manfive friday #38

we've all reached this point in dating/relationships where it's time to sit down and go over "our" rules. everyone is different: every man, every woman. so approaching a new situation there should be a new set of rules. when is the right time, when is the wrong time to set these rules?

manfive friday #38 topic of the week (courtesy of sunshinestar110): how to/not to set ground rules with your man. and why he constantly tries to break these rules

a couple of sure fire ways to make a man mad...tell him what he can't do. sure fire way to making your life easier...tell him what he can do. not saying either will be easy. but it's something that needs to be done in order to preserve sanity, clarity, & order in your relationship. so...where do you start? 5 ways to set up ground rules with your man:

#5: be realistic (be fair):

a man will respect rules that make sense & that seem fair. however when your rules start getting too custom made, picky, & off the wall...that's when he'll move on or start breaking them.

examples of unrealistic rules:

" i want to wait 15 months & 12 full moons before we have sex..."

ok you just got out of a relationship, that was moving too fast. things were great, expectations high, and things just started shattering after all because he wasn't the one. you found out after you basically was living with him, sleeping with him, committing to him, etc. so the start of your next relationship you want to move slower. so you tell the next guy you want to wait 17 months & 9 full moons before you have sex. ok. yes, the right guy will wait. but wtf? just because you moved fast with the last guy doesn't beget that having sex with the new guy will send you on a speedway race ride to failure. don't punish the next guy for the previous guys mistakes. if you want to be a joan and have a 3 month rule fine. if you want to go the mother theresa route and wait till your married or seriously involved fine. but chicks with long waiting intervals that are random should be locked in a footlocker for that amount of time and see how crazy that makes them.

" yes, the thighs have been open 24/7 365 till i met you, now i want to act like a nun, so you'll respect me..."

with anything you have to be fair. it's okay to adjust your personal preferences but if he's a good guy, why are you making him jump through hoops to get some. when you're hot sex on a platter for the dude that only call you after 1:03 am? trust me you're not gonna get anymore respect if he knows you have a revolving door for other guys but you're making him wait. he'll just look at you like, "she making me wait but she'll give it up to these other dudes don't earn it...that's some bullshit." and trust, women always tell on themselves. you can't help it. you'll be talking and you'll say something about a ex boyfriend. or dude could have been your friend previously and he remembers all the stories you told him. he's thinking he about to get super freak and now you're mary poppins who ain't popping nothing but popcorn for movie night.

" i won't introduce you to my parents, until we're about to get engaged..."

if you've never brought a dude home to meet your parents but you've had 10 lunch dates with his wrong for that. don't tell me i'm not gonna meet your parents till we get engaged then ask me when you're gonna meet my son, parents, & friends. women are in a habit of keeping parts of their lives off limits but expect to be all up in ours. you have the right to be selective, but you also have to be fair. if you want to be included in my life, include me in yours.

#4: renegotiating the rules & making exceptions... had a talk with this guy when yall first started dating. no catching feelings. this is just sex. he can't spend the night. he can't kiss you, just flip you, dip in, dip out..and be out. but yall have been doing this for 4 months. and now he's hanging around. his ass wants to cuddle. he calling you his girl. he wants to date. or heaven forbid, you start catching feelings. and he's still dipping out afterward. you knock your back out real good, you hear the shower, & you wake up horizontally legs hanging off the side of the bed alone. somethings gotta change right?

it's time to renegotiate your agreement. either he needs to understand he's just your supplement doctor (providing that vitamin "d"). or you need him to know you're trying to make him your specialist giving you life and shit. it's okay to go back over those rules and make some exceptions, exclusions, or just rewrite that bitch completely. don't hold on to the same rules if shit has changed.

exceptions to the rules:

- he's on that 3 month rule shit, he's behaving. and you get that his ass up. he will not think less of you for breaking your own (stupid) rule.

- he started off as your maintenance man, but he started taking interest in your kids and coming around more...maybe he can start parking his truck in your driveway instead of around the corner

- you tell him you have a 1 month rule, yall go on 2 dates & he calls you at the end of the month to go out. you told him a month. literally..after month has gone by, you turn into judge hatchett and tell him those 30-31 days are to be served straight, ain't no time off for good/bad behavior. he can't skip 28 of them and think he getting ass on the 30th.

-usually i'm a hoe, but last night i slipped on my tub..bumped my head..died resuscitated.. then found Jesus and now i want to wait a few days. get right, just to make sure i'm not gonna die before i have sex again.

there are always exceptions & room for negotiating a rule. after you've been fair...there is always a way to make it better. you may make him wait 3 months, but while he's waiting you're doing other things that may make it easier for him to wait. men appreciate compromise when they see some on your part. yea, he can't "get it in", but you make sure he's taken care of in the meantime. maybe meeting your parents is a big instead of making him wait till yall are on you're third child let him meet your mom after you take that first ept test. small steps ladies, small steps.

#3: enforce the rules...

okay, i said you can make exceptions. like getting that itch and scratching it, rather letting someone scratch it for you. but if you really are determined to keep things platonic. if you are really determined to keep the fuck buddy, just a buddy. if you really want to wait 3 months, 1 year. if you really don't want dude meeting your people until you make sure he's going to be the one. then you have to enforce your rules. don't bend (literally & physically). once you bend your rules go to the "renegotiation and exceptions" category. meaning, if you don't catch them fast...that rule is about to be null & void.

#2: make sure he understands & agrees

you ladies have a tendency to say something and assumed we listened to you. or say something and mean something but we take it completely different. if you have ground rules for dating you. like this shit is set in stone. you like to be courted. you like for doors to be opened. you like for him to call you everyday. you like for him to spend time. you like for him to cuddle. whatever it is you want to make sure he does..make sure he knows he's supposed to do it. make sure he agrees to wait for sex. make sure he agrees not to show up at your job calling you "nek nek" when everyone knows you by your government name. this is shit that may seem pretty straight forward to you. but trust, these signals do/can get crossed. make sure the rules are discussed & agreed upon by both parties.

#1: never. i mean ever. i mean never ever. ever. ever. make rules while he's preoccupied...

you ladies are slick. yall know we are the most agreeable, vulnerable, and downright stupid. if we are trying to get some, it don't matter what the fuck you're saying we are agreeing. you might be all up on us say, "yea, you want this don't you?..." we be like, "yeaaaa". then you hit us with, "it feel good don't it?"..we be like, "yeaaaa". then you say, "i want you to stop being so critical of my friends ". and we be like, "yeaaaa". guarantee..we ain't heard that last shit at all. you come back 2 months talking about "i thought you were gonna stop talking about my friends." and we laughing in your face like, g. t. f. o. h. (get the fuck outta here). if we're fighting and you got your hands down our pants..yea we gonna say your right & agree to the bullshit you're saying. but we aren't gonna honor that shit later on. if he's watching sports center and you tell him you decided you want to wait for sex. he might hit you with a, "uh huh...." and push you out the way. that's because he's not listening to you. if a guy is preoccupied he's not listening to you. we aren't into multitasking. we aren't listening. we don't understand. we aren't agreeing. you are talking to yourself, setting rules by yourself. and when it comes time to enforce them we're gonna be like "what the fuck ever.." like it's the first time we've ever heard about that shit. yea, it's a way to sneak shit past us, but'll never work. we'll simply say.."i don't remember that..."

Thursday, April 8, 2010

#twitterkills thursday #21

i like to encourage higher education. i'm so happy all of yall are doing, "big things" and getting your education. but if i gotta read one more tweet about college being hard i'm gonna reach in my computer/phone and give you a damn job.

today's #twitterkills thursday topic is: tweeters who think college is hard..

um. ok. let me see if i can explain this. yanno how when you hear someone in fifth grade say, "dang..i got to write a 2 page essay by the end of the year..." and you're thinking, "that's nothing wait till you get to middle school..". then someone in middle school says, "dang i gotta read two books before christmas break.." and you're thinking, "that's nothing wait until you get to high school..". then you graduate and someone says, "damn this algebra II is hard as hell..." and you're thinking, "that's nothing wait until you get to college". well guess what? when you complain about studying, doing a paper, or having a test..yanno what someone who is working and supporting other folks is thinking?..."shit, that is nothing wait until you get into the real world..".

i know at the time everything seems stressful & harder than anything you've ever done. and hats off to those of yall getting your ph.d's, masters, pre-med, law school etc...yes. yall are stressed the fuck out. but all yall freshmen or undecided majors. get-the-fuck-outta-here with that hard shit. college is the easiest grown up shit that's gonna happen to you. especially yall mofos who are going to school, parents are paying and you ain't got no job. you have NO right to complain about school if that's the only thing you do all day, sorry. and i know some of yall are sitting there like, "fuck you have no idea". that's the thing. i do have an idea. you aren't the first person to go to college.

this isn't about people who say.."i'm up all night studying". this is for the people who want some kinda medal because they woke up and went to class this morning, "i trying to drag myself to this class...". wtf?'s only 45 fucking minutes. get your hungover ass up, semi dressed, & go to class. fucks wrong with you?

*pow* @ you, *pow* @ the dude sitting in front of you, & *pow* at your teacher too..

oh..and yall mofos who have graduated college but still act like your in it. *POW* in the face. something else great will happen in your

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

ask me. . .

ok, ok. i was googling images for "ask me" and this came up and i couldn't resist. don't ask me about my "weiner", tho.

believe it or not, yesterday 4 different people hit me up asking for my advice. and usually when people ask me something i try to turn it into a manfive. this particular question didn't seem like a manfive, but it did seem like a commonly asked question i get from time to time. so i thought i'd share this one with the (blog) class today.

if anyone else wants to ask me a question or wants me to start sharing my community advice with the class let me know.

Q. from reading your blog, it seems like you're a pretty nice guy. i love your opinions and views, but i must admit i would never date a guy like you. nice guys are wonderful don't get me wrong, but i'm a very aggressive woman. and nice guys aren't able to handle me. it would be perfect if i could find a man in between "nice" & "bad", but since i can't i am forced to date either guys who give in to easily or guys who do me wrong. how can you make a nice guy tougher and/or a bad guy nicer?

A. i feel like somehow someway i should be offended. lol, but i'm not. i understand where you're coming from. honestly it sounds like to me, that you can't handle a "nice guy". nice guys are characterized as "push overs". because we give in to you ladies. at the same time "bad boys" are characterized as "strong". because they don't give in. and unbelievably you women would rather have the "strong" yet uncaring over the "push overs" because you deem that as weak. meaning, "i don't want a man i can push around because then anyone can push him around". and shit that's not a bad point.

but being nice doesn't make you weak. giving in to your woman doesn't mean you bend for your women or for everybody else. being on this side of the fence, i think it's absolutely stupid for women to date men they know won't treat them right. i don't care what your stance on it is. i think you get what you get. you complain the man isn't worth shit, yet that's the type of man you constantly pick. it becomes your fault after you figure out your own pattern. how can you make a nice guy tougher? stop treating him bad for treating you good. here are the common problems women have with "good guys":

example #1: he won't take control in the relationship.

most times he's given you control because he's realized that's what you want in the relationship.

some women want to be in control. they don't want to relinquish it to you. and in most everyday instances, it's not a big deal. i don't care if you want to plan all of our vacations, trips, outings. i don't care if you want to arrange my glasses by size on the shelf. i don't care if you want to unfold all my underwear and fold them a certain way. that shit does NOT matter to me. so therefore when it comes to's all you baby. trust me, when it comes to shit i feel like you shouldn't be in control of...i'll step up. but if i let you have control because "you need it" then don't mistake my kindness for weakness.

fix the problem: stop being a control freak. don't go to him like he's a punk for not stepping up when you're always jumping in front of him to do shit. stop being the one who speaks up first and you'd be surprise that maybe he would make a decision or choice.

good guy example #2: he won't stand up for himself:

most people stand up for themselves unless they feel intimidated or they feel like it's a losing battle. most women hate the "intimidated" aspect. yall feel a "nice guy" will let you do whatever. but the truth is, most times he'll let you do what he can handle before he snaps on you. maybe you're with a guy who has a high tolerance for bitches. and maybe you have not reached his "snapping level" as nice as you may think i am...i actually have a very low tolerance for bitchieness. but i admit i tend to deal with bullshit that the average man would be like, "fuck you with a rake full of leaves". you are treating me this way, because i am LETTING you treat me this way. i only bite my tongue when i think the situation and/or you're not worth it. so if you think you're making me your bitch, it's because you're just a bitch and you need a hug & a midol. and i'm probably nice enough to give you both and a heating pad.

fix the problem: stop being a bitch. stop testing a man. if he loves you, he'll let you talk to him in ways you shouldn't sometimes. the same way you'll allow a dude you love to cheat, lie, or talk down to you. it's something that can't happen all the time, but occasionally you'll deal with it. and nice guys will deal with this shit from you until you get out of hand. but usually that's the point where they are breaking up with you rather than trying to discuss shit.

onto the bad guys..i have to admit i don't have much for you on this because i'm a nice guy. i hang with mostly nice guys. i have some dudes who'll switch a chick up every night, but none that really be on that disrespectful shit (although i suppose switching them up to some of yall might be disrespectful). don't really know how to advise you to be with a bad guy because to me it makes no sense. but here are the common problems women have with "bad guys":

bad guy example #1: he's talk to you any kind of way..

if someone calls you a bitch and you answer..guess what your new name is? bitch. if a man tells you, you aren't shit..and stay with him. all you're doing is agreeing with his statement.

fix the problem: stop letting dudes treat you out of pocket. ladies you can fall out a window and fall on 3 guys that will want you. stop acting like this one dude is the only dude in the world. stop letting him treat you anyway he wants like he's the only golden dick dude in the world. he call you a bitch, don't talk to his ass again until he apologize. if he's into you, he'll eventually do it. if he's not..what are you really missing out on?

bad guy example #2: he's on that uncaring shit..

you love everything about him, except he just doesn't care. you say you have a problem. he don't care. you say you're stressed, rents due, car is broke, kids are hungry...and he's looking you dead in the face no emotion or nothing. you have a problem with him, he's at his boys house talking about you to them while you're still on the phone.

fix the problem: it's hard to make someone care unless it affects them. you have to get him invested in you, your relationship, & what's going on. not caring is a defense mechanism, it's a way of avoiding. if he doesn't speak on it, then it's not happening. if he acts like it doesn't matter then guess what, it won't matter. if you allow him to act that way, guess what he'll continue.

overall summary (the point): it's disheartening that you'd even want a "bad guy". a person you're trying to be with shouldn't have a negative connotation before his description. saying you want a bad guy, because a good guy is too nice is well....saying you want rotten eggs instead of them scrambled with cheese. my advice to you is to stop focusing so much on what you consider "good" & "bad" and find a man who is "right". find one who'll treat you nice & is up to your speed. there are guys who will open your car door, throw you around in the bed, and handle business when you need them too. stop confusing nice for weak. and start seeing bad as bad.

everyone is welcome to comment and leave their opinion/advice.

Friday, April 2, 2010

manfive friday # 37

this week's manfive friday topic of the week: what does she have that i don't have?

i've heard this questioned asked all the time. whether through a casual conversation, friends gathering, twitter, myspace, whatever..women always want to know.."what does she have that i don't", "why did he choose her, and not me?" , "what can she give him that i can't.." i'm going to attempt to give you ladies a few reasons why your man defects and chooses the next chick or even makes that u-turn and goes back to the old chick. ever been stuck in any of these scenarios?

scenario #1: he leaves you for a chick, you're obviously better than..
you're an educated chick. been to school. got your own shit. you get into a relationship with a guy. you may be supporting this guy financially, doing everything for him.then one day and he leaves you for a weed head stripper chick with 4 baby daddies & 5 kids.

why did he do that?:

maybe he's insecure in the relationship. maybe the fact that you took care of him makes him feel like less of a man. that is no fault of yours. but maybe he wants a woman he can feel like he's taking care of (even though he's not)..but at least she won't make him feel like she's taking care of him. or that she's better than him. a lot of times guys will get with a woman the complete opposite of you because they are intimidated by you and what you stand for. and they use a more inferior person to make themselves feel better.

scenario #2: he leaves you after you've put in years of your time & emotions...
you've been with this guy since you were 19. yall were meant for each other. yall talked about your future, you went through the motions. you've fussed, fought, loved, endured all the good & bad times. then one day he tells you he feels like he's missing out on life.

why did he do that?:

maybe it got too serious. it got too much for him. it was like a narrow small corridor closing on him. because it was evident what the next step was and he just wasn't ready. but after being with you for so long, the only excuse he could think of was.."i'm missing out on life". that translates to, "i'm not sure what life has in store for me, and i'm scared if i choose to be with you i might regret it.." don't get mad, he really is doing you a favor. because this is the guy who'll live with you for 8 years before trying to marry you. he's also the guy who'll break up to make up with you for most of your young life till you get tired of him & his indecisiveness.

scenario #3: he cheats on you, when you're doing everything cept wiping his ass...
you're married/are with the man of your dreams. yall live together, got kids, share everything. you do everything he ask. you cook, clean, try to be his ideal woman. yall don't even fight all the time. everything seems perfect, fine, good..and one day you find a number in his pocket and find out he's cheating on you.

why did he do that?

yall know my feelings about cheating. my gut opinion is, because he's selfish. he was looking for something to fulfill something that was missing in him. it wasn't you, it wasn't the kids, no matter how much he complained about being stressed, his job..whatever. cheating is done for personal reasons. it's a decision that is made, so it's not a mistake. no matter how much they apologize. it's only a mistake after the fact because of what they will/can lose. and yes they can feel bad or care about your feelings after they do it. but when they we're doing it, it was what they chose and wanted to do.

the point of these scenarios every one of them. the fault isn't on you. i think the biggest misconception is, it's your fault. it's something you could have done different. not saying you don't contribute to the frustration. not saying you don't push him over the edge too. just saying that when dealing with adults, we all must take responsibility for our actions. we all must respect other people's time, feelings, and their hearts.

here are five reasons why your man may choose to leave you for another woman...

reason #5: he's selfish. . .

simplest answer, he's just selfish.a lot of times, it's not about you. he wants what he wants, when he wants. he's gonna mistreat you. he's gonna have "friends". he's gonna cheat. all in the name of ego. he's gonna blame you for all the "bad shit" in his life. he's not gonna see any of the good shit you do. and if he does, it's not...nor will it ever be good enough for him. there are no second, third, forth chances..if you fuck up once that's it. in fact, you don't even have to fuck up. if he feels like dipping, he will. you know why? because you don't matter. hate to be blunt, but you don't. only thing that matters to him is him & his happiness. if you don't fit into that, you don't fit into his life. sorry

reason#4: he's confused about what he wants. . .

again, it may not be you. him being confused can contribute to #5..him being selfish. but at the same time..being confused and selfish differ greatly. him hurting you, making decisions that don't include you, or him wanting to be free are unintentional things. a guy can care about you and hurt you. he can love you & want to do right by you and just make the wrong choices. men aren't as sure as we pretend to be. there are plenty of relationship "how to's" out there, but there is no manual detailed enough to successfully guide you through a relationship. it's something you have to experience. it's something you have to grow into and be ready for. if you're with a young guy...i'ma say under 28. not to say this is every dude. not to say there is no mature men under 28. i'm just using that as a personal marker. the point i'm trying to make is got to understand he's at the point of his life where he doesn't know what he wants. he's still trying to figure himself out. he's still trying to find his own way .his own direction. his time, really isn't focused on yours. he doesn't know if he wants to be cuffed. he doesn't know if he wants to be single. he doesn't know if you are the one. he's not even in the mind set. he's on his hustle. on his grind. finding himself. i used to say, "i'm on my grind..." all the time. till i got older and then i started saying, "fuck the grind, i've made it...and i want everything that comes with it ". meaning once i stopped thinking that me reaching my goal was the end all to my life. i started wanting more. the "grind" was just me working to the point i wanted. once i got to that point, the things i wanted changed. the things that were important, changed. the things i focused on, changed. you have to give a guy time to reach that. not saying you put your shit on the back burner. just giving you a reason why he may step back, away, or move forward without you.

reason#3: she just gives him (does) something you don't. . .

we've all heard the..."if you don't do it..he'll find someone who will". and that shit is true. no one has the monopoly on the "good stuff" in a relationship. you can't assume that you're doing everything right. you can't assume you're giving him everything he needs. and most importantly you can't assume he's happy or will stay if you're not giving it to him. and i'm not just talking about sexually. a lot of times, women assume that's all we're about. when i say, "she's giving him something you don't.." i could mean time. i could mean support. i could mean understanding. i could mean blow jobs. whatever it is he's looking for...that he's complaining to you about. yea that. don't get me wrong, i'm not telling you to give in and do EVERYTHING dude wants. i'm not saying bend over backwards. i'm not saying go against your personal preferences, judgement, or do things you just don't feel comfortable doing. what i'm saying is...sometimes men leave and get with the next chick because she's willing to do the things you don't...she's may not be tired of his bullshit. so she'll listen to him complain. she may think he's interesting or smart, when you know he's only read one book in his life and just quotes the same shit over and over again. she may like to watch sports. play video games. have sex like a rabbit. it's attractive to be attractive. she is capturing his attention because she's giving him the attention he wants with none of the backtalk. give her a month of dealing with him & she'll be complaining about the same shit. but right now shit is great. and this is the "period" where he gets sucked into that shit and loses his mind and loses something great for something aiight.

reason#2: they share a history. . .

if your dude has been in a serious relationship before. if he has kids, been married, yada yada's a scary situation. i'm divorced with a child. the biggest thing i find when it comes to dating is: women being "eh..." about my situation. not so much because they don't like i was married or have a child. but moreso because that's baggage. especially with a child. there is always gonna be another party in your relationship (unless they and that's a uncomfortable situation sometimes. not to mention when a guy has been in "love" his view of relationships are skewed. everything is, "my ex..did ex didn't do this..i want my woman to do this.." it's not the same, "freestyle dating" as it is when a dude who's fresh on the relationship scene.

so a lot of times, women don't understand why men make that u-turn and go back to their ex. in my opinion it's a safe zone. just like an episode of maury, it starts off going to visit your kids at your baby mama's house and ends with, "you are the father" a brand new baby. all the while your current chick is going hard for you screaming and acting a fool saying she KNOW you ain't the father and she believes that was powder from a powder doughnut on your underwear. all jokes aside, if you were in a relationship with someone and it was serious you shared a lot with them. they knew you, they knew the things you liked & didn't. you got accustom to them and it was comfortable. and it's hard to get into a new relationship and get that same feeling. truth is you really should never have the same feeling with a different person. that's where people fuck up. you can't recreate a relationship with someone else. you also can't mend something that is broken beyond repair. a lot of men don't realize that they should leave that shit alone. and just like you women, they go back to a bad situation. unfortunately, if you've got caught in the crossfire of their indecisiveness you get met with this bullshit. not saying men are going to go back to an ex or sleep with an ex. just giving you a reason why they may make that u-turn. bottom line is if you can't trust the guy you're with or he's not trustworthy...DON'T BE WITH HIM. don't think he's gonna cheat just because he shares a child or history with someone. there are men who are going to cheat and there are men who won't. don't assume because he's always mentioning some shit, it's because he misses it. a lot of times it's just how he measures shit. like a measuring stick..."my ex used to do this: ............ this is what you do: ......". no it's not cool (i'm guilty of doing this sometimes), it's not intentional, it just happens. almost like when yall say, "none of my other boyfriends complained about how i do..."

reason#1: you're just too much for him, right now. . .

let's face it. sometimes you're just too good for someone. and they will continue to fuck up because the can't keep up. you may be ready for the whole shebang and he's still on those baby steps on a relationship. women are fighters. yall like to battle through some shit to get to what you want. and men retreat. seriously. if it gets too rough. gets too hot in the kitchen. if it's moving too fast we start backing away. finding reasons to leave. be it cheating, be it lying, be it being honest and walking away..whatever. but we refuse to be in a situation where we are drowning. now i'm speaking generally of course. i don't speak for every man. i'm just saying that a lot of times it's just too much. if we're in that selfish shit, confused, neglected, or living in the past (#2-5)..then it overwhelms us. relationships overwhelm us. it's not you, it's us. and sometimes you'll get with someone, invest feelings, time & energy into something that they aren't built for. they can't go the long haul with you. it's not in them. not saying, it won't ever be. just saying at this moment with's not going to happen. don't waste your life. once you see them pulling the release cord on the life boat...sail on. there will be a bigger, better boat waiting to scoop you up.