and i actually had a mini twitter conversation with @badmoufbessie about the same topic a few days. so i decided to make it a manfive.
so to end my cryptic introduction.
manfive friday #67 topic of the week is:
How to deal with dating a guy with kids...
#5: if you aren't ready, don't..
i think y'all think i'm gonna hit y'all with all the reasons why you should date a guy with kids. or give you reasons why you're so selfish if you discriminate against a guy with kids. nope, not i. i'm not the kind of guy who views get skewed because i have a child. i understand what it's like to be young. to not have a big responsibility like that. and i can see how it doesn't look appealing to a young lady. you have every right to be leery of dating a guy with kids. you have every right to not want to be bothered with that. not everyone is. shit..before i had my son, i wasn't ready for kids. and i LOVE kids. but i wasn't ready for that. decide what it is you like about that person, and evaluate if the kid is going to get in the way of that. then let the situation go, before you get in too deep. i know some of y'all are like...whaaat?...but serious. if you aren't the type that's gonna be going to the playground. the kind whose gonna share time with him & his kids. not going to be understanding about the other party in the situation (the child's mother)...then steer clear. it's a headache you don't have to have..nor you have to deal with. it doesn't make you a bad person, just makes you a person who doesn't want that in your life. shit you using condoms for a reason right?...i ain't hating, i understand. lol
#4: acknowledge the kid(s)...
pretending they aren't there, won't make them go away. worst thing to do is act like a guy doesn't have kids. if you never ask him about them. if you never inquire about them. don't show interest. don't include them. if you can't go to walgreens and get them a $5 toy for their birthday, christmas, etc...then why are you even with him. it's a package deal. that's why "being ready" for it means you have to understand that it's a part of his life, that you have to acknowledge. you have to let him know that you accept that part of him.
#3: remember his child's mother is the mother of his child...not just some random chick
so stop playing her like she some chick he just hitting up to get some from. yea, there are a lot of guys who still mess with the mother of their child. there are a lot of chicks who use having a kid with a guy as a way to stay in his life and be a menace. but truthfully there are some ladies who are just playing their role as mother to his child. so let her do that. and don't make it a "it's a me" vs "her" thing. it's really not about you in this instance. like i can talk shit about her. you can say sly shit here and there..but if you catch me defending her parenting skill, it's cause you've taken your comments a little too far. if you catch i'm not cool with you pointing things out, stop. not that i'm taking up for her. not that i still got feelings for her. just at the end of the day, i got to respect her as the mother of my child...even if i want to stone her like in the bible days. not saying you stand on the sideline quiet. just saying, don't be the chick that stands in the way of a guy spending time with his kids, cause YOU'RE causing drama with the mother of his child. again, if you can't understand the relationship he has to have with her...don't be with him. (*sidenote: all of this is assuming that his relationship is on the up & up..)
#2: understand your role...
if there is a mother present, ok. if there isn't one, ok. either way you have to be a support system. if there is a mother present, you don't have to be mommy dearest. but it doesn't mean you shouldn't be involved. and if there isn't a mother involved, know that the child is going to look at you for that. if you're just dating, engaged, married..you still have to be aware of your participation. kids get used to you & they assign a role to you, even if you don't feel that way. so don't think that think you're just "daddy's friend". you can't be fake with a child. children are more in tuned to your actions than your words. so they make their opinions of you based on how you treat them. this is true for men or women...always respect a child's feelings, and don't assume they are stupid. that's why it's important if you have kids to make sure the person you're with is emotionally mature to deal your kids. you can't date jerks, condescending people, & hoes..because all of them leave an impression on your child you'll never be able to erase. make sure they know the role they should be playing with your child..and release them if they can't handle it.
#1: understand it's a commitment...
walking out on dude, is also now walking out on his child. you've made a commitment to be there in that child's life. and it sucks. especially if you're not married to dude. it's like you're emotionally tied to this child that isn't biologically or legally yours & you hate dude. and you miss the child, but visitation seems a bit odd, weird, & unrealistic. this is why i say think about what's involved with being with someone with a child. not to make it seem or sound like a bad thing. shit...i want women to date me. but i want them to know that once my child is introduced into the situation i'm expecting you to be more than just my girlfriend. i want you to be ready for that, cause if you're not..then i don't need you in "our" life. it's automatically more serious than it would be if you we're getting with someone without a child. unfortunately anyone with a child knows that "causally dating" is out of the question. you have to find someone who is accepting of your life & the people in it. so it may seem like it's no big deal when you have no one else to worry about but yourself. but as soon as you get with someone with a child in their life (that they are actively taking care of..i am not referring to these dead beat dads) you're making a commitment to him and his child. and like i said in #1...this is something that a lot of you aren't ready for, so be upfront and honest with him & yourself.