Friday, January 28, 2011

manfive friday #67

i've had this talk with one of my handlers. i call her my handler cause her and my other handler (who quit me, *cough* kita *cough*) usually keep me on the straight and narrow. and i hope she doesn't mind me sharing part of our conversation.

and i actually had a mini twitter conversation with @badmoufbessie about the same topic a few days. so i decided to make it a manfive.

so to end my cryptic introduction.

manfive friday #67 topic of the week is: 

How to deal with dating a guy with kids...

 #5: if you aren't ready, don't..

i think y'all think i'm gonna hit y'all with all the reasons why you should date a guy with kids. or give you reasons why you're so selfish if you discriminate against a guy with kids. nope, not i. i'm not the kind of guy who views get skewed because i have a child. i understand what it's like to be young. to not have a big responsibility like that. and i can see how it doesn't look appealing to a young lady. you have every right to be leery of dating a guy with kids. you have every right to not want to be bothered with that. not everyone is. shit..before i had my son, i wasn't ready for kids. and i LOVE kids. but i wasn't ready for that. decide what it is you like about that person, and evaluate if the kid is going to get in the way of that. then let the situation go, before you get in too deep. i know some of y'all are like...whaaat?...but serious. if you aren't the type that's gonna be going to the playground. the kind whose gonna share time with him & his kids. not going to be understanding about the other party in the situation (the child's mother)...then steer clear. it's a headache you don't have to have..nor you have to deal with. it doesn't make you a bad person, just makes you a person who doesn't want that in your life. shit you using condoms for a reason right?...i ain't hating, i understand. lol

#4: acknowledge the kid(s)...

pretending they aren't there, won't make them go away. worst thing to do is act like a guy doesn't have kids. if you never ask him about them. if you never inquire about them. don't show interest. don't include them. if you can't go to walgreens and get them a $5 toy for their birthday, christmas, etc...then why are you even with him. it's a package deal. that's why "being ready" for it means you have to understand that it's a part of his life, that you have to acknowledge. you have to let him know that you accept that part of him.

#3: remember his child's mother is the mother of his child...not just some random chick

so stop playing her like she some chick he just hitting up to get some from. yea, there are a lot of guys who still mess with the mother of their child. there are a lot of chicks who use having a kid with a guy as a way to stay in his life and be a menace. but truthfully there are some ladies who are just playing their role as mother to his child. so let her do that. and don't make it a "it's a me" vs "her" thing. it's really not about you in this instance. like i can talk shit about her. you can say sly shit here and there..but if you catch me defending her parenting skill, it's cause you've taken your comments a little too far. if you catch i'm not cool with you pointing things out, stop.  not that i'm taking up for her. not that i still got feelings for her. just at the end of the day, i got to respect her as the mother of my child...even if i want to stone her like in the bible days. not saying you stand on the sideline quiet. just saying, don't be the chick that stands in the way of a guy spending time with his kids, cause YOU'RE causing drama with the mother of his child. again, if you can't understand the relationship he has to have with her...don't be with him. (*sidenote: all of this is assuming that his relationship is on the up & up..)

#2: understand your role...

if there is a mother present, ok. if there isn't one, ok. either way you have to be a support system. if there is a mother present, you don't have to be mommy dearest. but it doesn't mean you shouldn't be involved. and if there isn't a mother involved, know that the child is going to look at you for that. if you're just dating, engaged, still have to be aware of your participation. kids get used to you & they assign a role to you, even if you don't feel that way. so don't think that think you're just "daddy's friend". you can't be fake with a child. children are more in tuned to your actions than your words. so they make their opinions of you based on how you treat them. this is true for men or women...always respect a child's feelings, and don't assume they are stupid. that's why it's important if you have kids to make sure the person you're with is emotionally mature to deal your kids. you can't date jerks, condescending people, & hoes..because all of them leave an impression on your child you'll never be able to erase. make sure they know the role they should be playing with your child..and release them if they can't handle it.

#1: understand it's a commitment...

walking out on dude, is also now walking out on his child. you've made a commitment to be there in that child's life. and it sucks. especially if you're not married to dude. it's like you're emotionally tied to this child that isn't biologically or legally yours & you hate dude. and you miss the child, but visitation seems a bit odd, weird, & unrealistic. this is why i say think about what's involved with being with someone with a child. not to make it seem or sound like a bad thing. shit...i want women to date me. but i want them to know that once my child is introduced into the situation i'm expecting you to be more than just my girlfriend. i want you to be ready for that, cause if you're not..then i don't need you in "our" life. it's automatically more serious than it would be if you we're getting with someone without a child. unfortunately anyone with a child knows that "causally dating" is out of the question. you have to find someone who is accepting of your life & the people in it. so it may seem like it's no big deal when you have no one else to worry about but yourself. but as soon as you get with someone with a child in their life (that they are actively taking care of..i am not referring to these dead beat dads) you're making a commitment to him and his child. and like i said in #1...this is something that a lot of you aren't ready for, so be upfront and honest with him & yourself. 

Friday, January 21, 2011

manfive friday #66

yanno something i don't understand about you women?...your attitudes. like, y'all think it's alright to follow your exes on facebook, but let me mention my ex text me. y'all think it's alright to act like a jerk and be bitchy once a month for a whole week. but let a man have one off day. y'all think it's cool to leave your make-up, hair products, bath supplies, bonnets, and other feminine accessories laying around. but if you find a stray hair from us shaving it's time to fight.

well we all know y'all are full of double standards. i understand that, it's just a part of dealing and loving a woman. but the one thing i'm gonna address with you today that's not ok....your "what's yours is mine, what's mine is mine" attitude.

this week's manfive friday #66 topic of the week: show me the share it.

i know most of y'all saw tyler perry's mess of a film, "why did i get married too...". if you didn't i'll take 2 seconds to summarize. selfish women, wondering why their husband aren't doing right. now i know y'all are cocking your head and thinking...."not all the ladies were selfish....they had their reasons". um. ok.

first couple. wife is emotionally cheating and heading to full blown cheating.

second couple. wife sees her husband is struggling to adjust to a new location (he moved for her). trying to find a job (to support his family, she is not working). and she makes him spend their savings on a bullshit trip with her girls then tells everyone their broke, then goes to her ex husband for help to find him a job. then becomes wet nurse to the ex husband who used to beat the shit out of her when she should have her ass home taking care of her baby.

third couple. she doesn't trust her husband. he straighten up his ways (they both cheated). he's working and she's jealous of his success and can't stop nagging and looking for shit that isn't there.

and now to the last couple that this manfive is centered on...they are in the middle of a divorce. they are friends. they agree to split in a equal manner. until he ask for half of "HER MONEY". that's right. she's married but has and account with "HER" money. that she feels solely entitled to. i've had this discussion with a few women, including my girlfriend. and they all think that it's not crazy she was acting like that. by the way..she goes to curse him out about wanting half calling him bitch this and bitch that. then he gets in the car and gets hit by a tractor trailer and dies. bottom line: women will kill you over THEIR money.

5 reasons why you ladies need to get your mind right about sharing money with your man.

#5: you expect him to share with you.

you automatically think when you're with a man, his money is yours. if you're looking for him to be the provider. even if you're bringing in the most money. he can't just go to work and store his income in a savings account or personal bank account. he has to help. you watch all these movies where a wife finds a check record to a secret check account and loses her mind. he must be cheating. why does he need a secret account. why does he have money that is separate?  now think about it, look at the movies or shows where a guy finds his wife has a separate account. he's thinking, "good now we can fix the roof" or "she's saving this mad money for a hard time". i've actually talked to a chick who thought i was going to be the provider and she could work and save her money for her. yes, we actually had that crazy ass discussion, before i broke up with her. lol.

cause she is crazy. that is crazy. do i think you can't have a personal account? no. when i was married we both had personal accounts/savings, but we had joint accounts. the difference is she had access to any of my accounts. there wasn't any secrets. there wasn't any money that was off limits. i put her name on a house that i had bought prior to being with her (which came back to bite me in the ass). but that is what is expected of a man. that is what is expected in a marriage. what's mine is yours. what's yours is supposed to be mine. you can't go into a relationship (and of course i'm talking about serious relationships..not telling you to give tyrone your pin number after a few dates) where you're thinking separate.

#4: your shit isn't any more valuable than his.

so we all know a woman would prefer a man that makes more money than her. it's all part of that "provider" role a man is supposed to play for his woman. but you ladies have gotten into your own, and sometimes you do make better money. or you make the more stable money in the relationship. there is NOTHING wrong with that. but there are a lot of women who think their money is more valuable or important. in other words, the things you buy and do with your money goes under much more scrutiny then his money.

case in point. a woman will buy up a store, with YOUR money. but has to think about super sizing their value meal with their own. first thing you got to remember is this, if you're married it's "our" money. not yours or his. in a serious relationship, it will be "our" money. not yours or his. so stop thinking about it separate. even before you get together have to watch how people are with their money. you got to be cautious of people who don't care about their credit. and you have to make sure they value your money as much as they do their own. that's the only way to ensure that there is no ego or selfishness. because when someone thinks they money matters more. or that what they do is more important it throws off the equilibrium of the relationship.

#3. oh you fancy, it's your money.

in reference to the movie. her reason for not sharing was, "i earned all that money. i spent years writing and struggling to earn that money". umm..yea you spent years while his ass was taking care of you. while he was paying the bills. while he was standing by you and believing in you.

ask yourself, how come a basketball wife who has never dribbled a basketball feels entitled to millions of dollars? i know y'all think about about to say something ignorant, but i'm not. i feel like she's entitled because she's been along for the ride. shaunie o'neal, put in her time. she raised like 6 kids. she deserves half.  and i'm sure y'all agree. but why when it comes to a man it's not the same?

imagine a woman who wants to go to school to become a doctor. and your garbage man husband is going to do everything he can to make that happen. so he goes gets another job, so you can focus on going to school. y'all struggle together. and finally you graduate, do your residency, and get you a great job making good money. and now it's like.."you just a garbage man". never mind the fact that garbage man money got you through med school. see women will ride with you when you have nothing. and they'll ride with you with you have something. but when they think that they got something, and you still got nothing. that's when you find out who you're really with. needless to say, if you jump new because you got a better job. humble yourself. keep in mind that when y'all were sharing a slice a was "our" money. so now that y'all got a personal chef,'s "our" money. don't let a come up, be your downfall.

#2. independently stupid...

this goes for women who come into a relationship with more money. it ain't right to hold money over any one's head. man or woman. the same way you don't want a man to judge your worth by how much you make. don't judge him. i'm not saying, step out of your comfort zone and get with a bum. i'm just saying don't go blind in your independence. don't but a monetary value on happiness, you'll lose every time.

a big problem in relationships these days are people go into them separate. and try to make them work separate. a relationship is a partnership. you can't go into a unequal partnership & succeed. i don't care if you're married, if you're living together, or you're seriously considering something more with someone. you have to look at it as, "we". how are "we" going to do this. when are "we" going to make this transition together. and what if  "we" decide to go into this together. stop thinking in "i" or "me". 

#1. money in the bank...shawty what you drank?

money doesn't grow on trees. stop thinking cause a man throws money around that he has money. you looking at his brian pumper fake chains. riding around in his range rover, over to his mama's house . where he stays in the basement. you women are fast to give your money to the wrong dudes. you're quick to move in with, co-sign for, and support a bum ass dude financially. you have to be selective and smart about your decisions.  a man is someone who takes his responsibilities serious. so make sure you're dealing with a man, before you decide to go sharing anything. because these boys posing as men, is what got you thinking you have to do it by yourself. they also have you thinking there aren't men out there who will help you. i stress the word help, because providing is a joint effort. in order for a man to provide for you, you have to let him. you also have to enable him to provide for you. meaning, what he needs in order to take care of give him. whether it's you working, you taking care of the house, you supporting him, etc..

a lot of people think when a man takes care of you, it's him taking all of the responsibility himself. you always hear, behind every great man is a woman. and in order to have that, you have to share the responsibility. you both don't have to work. you both don't have to make the same amount of money. the trick is, respecting each other as equals. and acknowledging their contributions to the relationship.

Friday, January 14, 2011

manfive friday #65

so the question i get most from you ladies is, "where are the good men at?" and my answer is always the same, "they are out there, just be'll find one". and yall all give me that *seesmic raccon side eye*

jokes aside. truthfully there are good guys everywhere. you really do have to be patient. just like we do when it comes to finding a good woman. so instead of giving you the gps on where the good guys are. 

this week's manfive friday #65 topic is:

the 5 ways to prepare yourself for a good man.

cause let's face it. finding him is one thing. but what's the use of finding the perfect guy if you're not ready for him? so i'm about to share with you 5 things a good man wants you to do, when looking for him.

#5: start believing they do exist.

you ladies act like good men are like santa claus, the easter bunny, the tooth fairy..etc. you can't find one, if your doubt they're in existence. we're out there. we do exist. open your eyes, abandon your biases, and just have faith that you'll find one.

#4: check your friends.

alright ladies. you got that new dress. it fits you right & tight. you got your heels on, nails done, hair done, everything did. you fancy, huh? you're looking amazing. you and your girls go out and the only guys coming up to you are the ones who are getting in fights in the club. and you're wondering why, that is. well look to the right & the left at the hoodrats you got with you. one of them is currently "making love in the club" in the corner with some random ass dude. and the other one is screaming how she gonna make the guy at the bar her new baby daddy. . i ain't saying lose your friends, but they really fucking it up for you right now.

now don't go giving keke & tasha their pink slips so fast. after all they are two of your oldest and dearest friends. i'm just insinuating that maybe keke & tasha are the reason why you can't find that good guy. think about it. when you think of where they are vs. where you're trying to be. why are you wasting night after night hanging out with them? you need friends with the same mentality as you. sometimes we grow up and our friends don't. it doesn't mean stop being friends. it just means stop getting yourself into situations where you're wasting time in the wrong places, with the wrong people. if you're looking for an environment to find a good man, you have to remember it'll be an environment where there are good women. so stop trying to find love in the club. it's not there. men do NOT go to clubs to find good women. next, start hanging out with women who act their age. the company you keep says a lot about you. so if you hang out with hoes, people assume you're a hoe. if you hang out with ladies, people assume you're a lady.

#3: have something to offer.

yes, men love to look at you. we appreciate your physical assets. but we also appreciate your intelligence. your independence. your drive. your cooking. your support. you have to bring something to the table. you always hear a long list of qualities women want from a man. but then when you ask a woman what she has to offer it's.....*crickets*.

you ladies do understand that good women outnumber good men right? i admit there are a lot of good men out there. but there is at least 5 good women for every 1 good man. i'm not saying it's a competition. i'm just saying that when a man wants more with you, he looks at more about you.

#2: know what you want.

all you ladies who are not ready for a serious relationship. not really into commitments. still fucking around with "fuck buddies". still enjoying the single life. stop wasting time. you are the chicks that get a good guy and don't appreciate him. you not only waste his time, your time, but you waste the time of a good woman who is waiting around patiently for that guy break up with you and meet her. 

you ladies who are ready to find a good man. be ready for him. all the issues and drama from previous relationships. you gotta let that shit go. you can't go into a relationship with a good man treating him like that asshole you just broke up with. if in three years you want to be married, then you make that clear to the person you're talking to. a lot of women scoff at chilli for telling guys she wants to have kids, and it's a ASAP situation. but truthfully, that's the kinda shit you have to be upfront with. yea it's kinda crazy. but at the end of the day, the guys she's talking to know what she wants and expects. you can't be with a good man and expect him to wait for you to figure out what you want. after all, do you want to be with a man who is still figuring out what he wants? this isn't just about relationships. this is just life in general.

#1: know your worth.

this is the most important thing. this is what blocks a lot of you from finding good men. if you don't think you deserve better, you're the one holding yourself back. by accepting anything, you forfeit the everything you could have. let me say it again...

by accepting anything, you forfeit the everything you could have.

you ladies are your own worst enemy when it comes to this. you settle for less, then get upset when less makes you feel like you're not good enough. how many times have you said, " i deserve better than this"?. you can make a man, a good making him respect you. by making him feel like you are worth treating good. you'd be surprise how many bad guys are good men and just don't know it. it's your responsibility to set the bar on how you are treated, not his. what separates a good man from a not-so-good man? a not-so-good man will just give you the minimum. a good man will try to go above and beyond where your bar is set. because he realizes that the bar is the minimum, and wants to offer you more.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

what u doin?......

i'm bullshittin'.

i'm gonna try something different today. y'all wanna know what i'm doing today? absolutely nothing. and i'll show y'all. i will be updating this post over and over. first we're gonna start with the snow. since y'all think i'm being dramatic about being snowed in. i went outside yesterday and took this picture for the naysayers who thought i was bullshitting about it actually being a pretty good snow for GA. you gotta remember we don't get snow like this. and all this shit happen in less than 12 hours. and it's like 6 1/2 to 7 inches in my back yard. and i know some of yall are scoffing. trust me. i've lived in the north. i know what a real snow is. but this is a lot for the south. and we don't have all the fancy snow plows, salt trucks, snow tires, etc. so we are really stranded. it's like a ice rink outside.

so if i can't leave what exactly can i do? eat. and unfortunately i've already eaten my breakfast, so i won't be able to share that with you. but it'll be time to eat lunch in a a second you'll see me being a fat ass. so what am i don't right now, at this exact moment? um, writing this blog. do you really need a picture of that? or can you just take my word for it? anyway. other than that i'm just sitting in my home studio, listening to one of my favorite artist. if you have to don't pay attention. but for all you new's eric roberson. currently playing "please don't leave me..". and 
trying to decide if i'm gonna work today or just continue to play around. i've been told to blog, but i got too much energy to sit down at the computer and really write. plus it's a super distraction trying to write in here. i have tweetdeck going. got my music playing. got my production partner calling me on skype every 5 minutes. i usually write on my netbook but the damn adapter died, i think. so i have to come into the land of distraction to blog..which leaves me doing everything but that. so i'm gonna go find something to do..and when i do i'll be back to show/tell you. so if there is anything you wanna see...besides me naked. let me know and i'll try to make it happen.

hit me on twitter. or leave a comment. 

think i might go heat up my leftovers from last night. don't worry, you'll see in a few fat ass minutes. * i'm back and doesn't it look good? i made that. please disregard the beer let's replace it in our mind with a glass of wine or some shit. we'll both pretend i'm more sophisticated and i don't drink beer with my lunch. it's baked chicken wings in a gravy with bell peppers & onions. and the rice is garlic and herb. i had corn (yes...another starch) last night, but i'm one of those people who believe you can't warm up corn or baked potatoes the next day. so i'm just making due with the chicken & rice. now that i'm done eating. let me move on the next thing...

it's between playing wii or watching tv. guess you'll have to wait to see which one i pick. ok so i picked playing wii. mostly cause it was in the closest room to me. and let's face it..i'm lazy. so it was between two games. michael jackson the experience and minute to win it. i don't care what y'all are thinking. i've told y'all i'm destined to be on that show. if my girlfriend working for nbc doesn't get in the way of that. anyway, guess which one i picked? disregard the lines...i dropped this tv on purpose cause my ex said she wanted it after we got divorced. then she decided not to take it, so i just use it to play video games on now. it only shows like that when i take a picture of something. it's really not messed up. if she would have taken it, i probably would have dropped it a few more times, to make sure it was really broke. lol. i plan to change it out with the tv downstairs when i buy a newer bigger one for the fireplace. so therefore i just deal with it for now. but back to the game. i played like 4 songs and got tired and sweaty. so i think i'm about to take a shower...then i'll shall be back. (unless y'all trying to get in the shower with me...)

 ok. so i got out and watched blood and bone. probably the best independent martial art black movie ever. i know you're thinking how many other independent martial art black movies are there..whatever, i'm sure there are more. but i got so much more respect for michael jai white. i mean spawn was alright. but the tyler perry movies, lost him tons of man points. but this movie along with black dynamite has earned him the right to do maybe one more tyler perry movie. but after i watched this, i went downstairs to make dinner. so what was for dinner tonight? spaghetti.

let me start by saying pictures are deceiving. the food tasted so much better than it looks in this picture. it was great..not as tasty or delicious as my food last night. i have no idea how i made that food last night. or why it was so good. but it will be a while before i top that. anyway. i made dinner, and now i'm talking to my girlfriend..which she'll make sure i don't do anything else productive or non productive tonight. so that was my whole boring day. sounds real boring right? hopefully the ice on the roads lets up. i need to re-up my groceries. re-up my movie selections. and go get my son. he actually called me and talked to me for over and hour today. about his toys. so obviously he's bored as hell


Saturday, January 8, 2011

light skin men 2011: back in style...

"light skin n...., but i'm not an average dude..."

this rant isn't meant to be a light skin vs. dark skin battle. i don't judge anyone by their skin tone. personally, you being yellow, caramel, brown, chocolate doesn't make you any less or more "black". this is simply a "why can't a light skin brother get some love?" post. i was on twitter the other day. and this chick said,

"i like dark men, but it's only the yellow ones dating me" . 
um. ok.

the saddest part is, no one got offended. the women continued to rant and rave how dark skin women aren't appreciated and can't get love from dark skin men. you are just as color struck as the dudes you're complaining about. imagine if i said.."i like light skin women, but it's only the dark skin one's dating me?" you know how offensive that would be to you? you beautiful chocolate women would stomp me into the ground. so why is it okay to hate on light skin brothers?  like we aren't black. we aren't beautiful. nothing against my darker tone brothers, cause for a long time they were hating on y'all too. this isn't a "i gotta hate on you, to make my point" thing. i have nothing against dark skin guys. and i LOVE dark skin women. but i also LOVE light skin women. i LOVE caramel women. mocha. latte. red. yellow. i'm an equal skin tone opportunist.

so why don't y'all love me back? what is it about my teddy graham golden brown shade of sexy that offends you? why when the lights go out, do you act like you can still see me in the dark. you, ma'am are a liar. and you got jokes. why when you say, "i like my men tall, dark, & handsome" do you exclude me from two of those categories? ladies, i'd like for you to stop boycotting light skin men. stop acting like we are runner ups or stand-ins. the 11th of every month in 2011 is "hug a light skin man" day. find one. and hug him. show him some love.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

in-secured baggage. . .

i admit to not being perfect. i don't think i'm the "shit". i don't think any one's world stops because of me. i admit to not being every women's dream man. i admit to not always having the right words to say. i admit to not being the most patient. the most calm, cool, or collective guy. i admit to not being the most assertive, aggressive, or confident guy. i probably won't admit i'm wrong. nor do i volunteer to apologize all of the time. sometimes i raise my voice. other times i shut down completely. i'm argumentative.  i'm stubborn. i'm stuck in my own ways. i'm probably shorter than you. i do care what people think of me. i don't get jealous, i get angry. i do trust you, but i don't trust him, her, or them. i completely over my ex, but it does still hurt to see her. talk to her. remember anything. i do have scars. emotional scars. tons of them.

can i blame one person for that? is it solely my fault, something just in my head, or me being dramatic? truth is. i have "in-secured" baggage. i don't know when i start packing this bag. i just know it started off as a nap sack.turned into a book bag. became a duffel bag. and has graduated to a full piece of luggage w/ wheels. i don't know if it was from all the teasing growing up. i'd like to think i outgrew that. that i'm not just saying, "i'm over that". i mean i do still remember the things people used to say. i remember their names. their faces. sometimes even what they were wearing. but most of all i remember how it made me just want to disappear. so i did (at least, the person i was disappeared). and packed it in my nap sack. i put my outside smile on and moved on.

and things were ok, until i got my heart broken for the first time. and i swore off love. then denied myself love for years. i wasted a few girls time. i made a few of them fall in love with me. i admit it was wrong. but i needed love. i needed that. i didn't lie about my feelings. i just had no feelings. and when they found that out, they left. left me, all alone. and i hate to be alone. i'm scared to be alone. i don't want to be alone. i can't be alone. but i accepted that was my life. that's what God wanted. i mean isn't it? cause i'm a good person. i have good intentions. and obviously if i'm alone, it's cause God wants me to be, right? yea. i struggled, battled, prayed, wished, asked. . . then i one day i got an answer. one day the wait was over. i saw the person i wanted to be. and i found someone who enabled me to be that person. and it was great. till i found out she wasn't perfect. that love is imperfect. that control is variable. that bad things will continue to happen to good people. and i remember again...wanting to disappear. praying to disappear. but i couldn't. so i packed it in my book bag. i put my outside smile on and moved on.

things weren't ok immediately like the last time.that's when i found out the headaches i was having, weren't just headaches. i found out that i wasn't invincible. that something could be worse than losing love. that something could stop me from being the kind of father i want to be for my son. something could stop me from being a father. a son. alive. despite having a million people who care about me. who love me. tons of reasons to do everything i can to make the best of having MS. i feel like giving up. i only say that in my head. i'm afraid to admit i'm not strong. that i'm not sure. that i don't feel the same. it doesn't feel real. it can't be real. and no one understands. i want to scream. i want to cry. i want to disappear. but i can't. so i packed it in my duffel bag but it was too much and too heavy so i stuffed it in a suitcase. and this time i can't smile. i can't move, let alone move on. this won't stop. it won't ever leave. i just have to live with it. and it makes me angry. sad. scared. unsure. wronged. . .

now i'm sitting her with a full bag. full of issues. pain. hurt. broken hearts. broken spirit. and it's made me who i am. and i'm tired. i feel like i need something. i don't know exactly what that "something" is. but it's more than what i have/had. that's why i act like i do. that's why love is important. when i say i need to feel loved. i mean i need someone to love me till it doesn't hurt anymore. someone who won't leave. someone who knows i'm not perfect, and doesn't expect me to be. and loves me despite that. i need to believe. i need to know, that's possible. then i can stop waiting in baggage claim...

cuffing 365. . .

i know you've heard of cuffing season. yanno the time when everyone is trying to get someone to keep them warm in the winter.

see to some the other seasons aren't important. in fact, the idea of getting with someone just cause it's getting cold out, a holiday is coming, or it's the season to be attached is kinda..well lame.

it's been said, you must love someone through all the seasons to know it's really love. to know it's really real. to know it'll really last. so cuffing for just one a waste of time. i want to see the sunsets with you. feel the cool breeze. watch the leaves falls. sit in front of the fireplace. you see what the guys who only cuff in the winter don't know is there is so much more than just having someone to keep you warm. so much more to "cuffing".

i wanna remember you in the summer. i call it the season of nakedness. it's when you debut that physique you worked so hard to get. the dieting, exercising, the toning up..i see you girl.  i see what you're working with. and i appreciate it. my eyes thank you. showing off those legs. arms. back. i catch myself stumbling over my own feet admiring the way that sundress sways when you walk by. seeing the freshly painted toes in those flip flops. manicured nails fresh out that nail shop. following the curve of your collarbone to places my eyes probably shouldn't be looking, but eh..i can't blame you for being so beautiful, huh? i want to stop you. smile. ask you for a moment of your time, would that be alright? i hate to be one of those guys who runs lines on you, but.. "my mother told me if i ever saw a woman as beautiful as you, i need to stop her and tell her how pretty i think she is". whether or not you think that was lame, you still give me your name. your number. and agree to give me a chance. as we meet for lunch. getting to know each other. discussing our lives, friends, views. it's like we connect instantly. the sparks are there. hours, days, even weeks later we are on fire. the summer is hot. the long days walking in the park. holding hands. enjoying each other's company. getting to know one another. see this isn't "summer love". we aren't kids. we aren't on spring break. this love affair doesn't have to stop just because the leaves start to fall. or the temperature gets cooler. it just means i simply must fall deeper in love with you. each moment, deeper. each day, deeper. see love doesn't fade with the seasons. attention does. appreciation does. interest does. as the blue skies turn orange, we still can enjoy the sunsets together. the crisp air, the smell of seasons changing. this is the "family" season. the time of the year you invite me home for thanksgiving. you introduce me to your parents. your siblings. your cousins. aunts and uncles. it's when i learn that you sucked your thumb till you were twelve. when your mom tells me all those embarrassing stories you planned for me to NEVER find out about. it's when we spend our first holiday together. making memories that we'll remember years from now. our first. fall to me is an accidental metaphor of love. one of the most romantic seasons. i liken the leaves on the trees to the hairs on your head. i want to watch them change colors, with you. i want to be with you through all of our changes. i can't help but appreciate the beauty of nature. some things are just too beautiful to explain. the leaves, the sunsets, you. all placed here by God. all placed in my life for a reason. i want your touch to feel more familiar than it did a day ago. your kiss to taste sweeter than it did a week ago. your heart to beat faster than it did a month ago. loving someone takes effort. effort takes time. so i want to take my time showing you how much i love you. as the days grow colder, i feel like we've been together forever. yes, this is the actual "cuffing season". it's the time of year all of our single friends, somehow start becoming attached. while they're out trying to find someone to buy them a christmas present, we're picking out our first tree together. picking out gifts for our family and friends together. the keyword is, together. i don't care what i do, as long as it's with you. see winter is cuffing season because it feels natural to be up under someone when it's cold outside. to have someone keeping you warm. to walk close. arm and arm. to cuddle under the covers. for you to warm my feet with your unusually hot space heater-like body. you make my winter feel like summer all over again. different season, yet the desire to do the same things is still there. along with a list of new things. things i've been waiting to do with that special person. while you laugh at my dad's jokes. build snowmen with my son. help my mom figure out how to text on the cellphone i just bought her. little things that seem like nothing, means so much. you mean so much. as the ice starts melting. and the days get a little warmer. i take comfort in you. we've made it through 3 seasons, and this last one seems so full of potential. i look forward to the lazy days by the lake. kissing you in the spring rain. i call this the "nurturing" season. because this is where everything happens. what you plant, takes root and grows. i've nurtured our love for four seasons, and i'mi'm looking forward to what it becomes. and i'm praying that it last always. yea, some guys may cuff for a season. but i cuff 365 days of the year.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

tired is as tired does...

I'm so tired physically tired. Which i do blame on my MS. I honestly have tons to write about and when i get a moment i'm gonna post like crazy. Promise. *pinky swear*..but not really. Lol
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