are you lonely? do you miss me? or even remember what it felt like to have someone hold you. love you. or care?..
what's this?...oh, it's a memo. i think you missed it. it says, "i'm here". but i'm not really here. emotionally..i've checked out. i checked out a long time ago. yet, you're still holding on. you're holding on to the dreams. holding on to the hopes. holding on to the expectations that i will never live up to. that i don't wanna live up to.
see i decided along time ago.. i didn't want to be with you. maybe i forgot to tell you. but i thought you'd get the picture.
what picture exactly?
how about...when i got too busy to tell you "good morning" or "goodnight" or when i stopped calling you all together. when i started being too busy to spend time with you. or started acting like talking to you was a task. a task, i honestly didn't enjoy. see i admit the signs were subtle. i still needed you in my life, just in case. just in case, i actually had feelings for you. just in case, i needed someone to hold me down. someone to give me a ride. loan me some money. cook me dinner. break me off a piece of that kit kat bar...i needed you to still be there. sounds selfish, huh? well, we live in a selfish world.
if it wasn't me, it'd be some other dude right? even after we broke up. i needed you to be "stuck" on me. just in case. just in case things didn't work out with the new chick. just in case i wanted to "hit it" again. just in case, i had some life altering situation where i needed someone i knew actually cared about me. who better to do that, than you?
see i feel like we're using each other. i'm using you for what you do for me. and you're using me cause i give you life. you wake up because of me. you live because of me. you breath because of me. can't see a future with anyone else but me, right? still think we're gonna get married. still think we're gonna get back together. still think it's gonna work out. you need that. so i'll text you here & there. call you, when i get bored. play with your emotions. it's the least i can do, we're helping each other. some people think it's dirty. i know your friends talk that sly shit about me all the time. shit, even my friends think it's wrong to string you along like this. but ah, you're letting me do it. so you must like it...
that jerk you love...
[october challenge: day#21]