MS...stands for mighty scared.

June Challenge (day #30)

a few of you might have noticed me mention a health situation that came up recently. i don't really talk about it much, because it's hard to come to grips with it.

i know to some of you 30 is old. 34 is ancient. but to me, i'm still young. too young, to be diagnosed with something that pretty much will effect me for the rest of my life. it's things like this, that you really don't think about till it happens to you. july will mark a year that i've knowingly lived with MS.

it's been a very hard year...

MS stands for multiple sclerosis and it is a complex disease of the central nervous system (brain, spinal cord, and optic nerves) characterized by relapses (neurologic symptoms which appear rapidly but often improve over weeks or months), remissions and often progression of disability over time.

my condition started off 4 years ago. first with vision lost in one eye, which was written off as a fluke. then it turned into migraines. very painful migraines. it was the first time i had to go on steroids. which tore my body up. made me gain tons of weight, which was a very unpleasing situation. while getting a steroid treatment my nurse said, "did they tell you why you had vision lost?" i told her no. so she casually mentions how most people she comes to give treatment to, with vision lost have MS. that totally fucked me up. i went to my dad (who is a doctor), he told me not to worry about it. i asked my neurologist who had me on the steroids and getting the various test, she said don't worry about it. my vision came back almost completely, everything was ok. the thought stayed in the back of my mind, but i didn't think about it anymore.

that is until my vision went out in my other eye 2 years later. i got put on steroids again. and it did even more damage to my body. the weight came, but didn't go due to the fact that i wasn't taking the "crazy" medication that was prescribed to me the first time. that shit made me lose so much weight i was looking like 50 cent looks now. so hence all my, "i need to get in shape" rants that i stay on. because for the first time, the guy who never had to work out, never had to worry about what i was eating...has to start doing that. and it's not easy. after getting my MRI's, the doctor. same neurologist tells me i have MS. my dad, tells me i have MS. everyone but my mom is convinced that i have MS. she's so not convinced she gets me fired from my doctor cause she's asking for a second opinion. and yes i really did get fired from my doctor. she sent me a letter maybe 2 months AFTER she put me on my therapy.

imagine, someone telling you..you have an incurable condition one day. then imagine someone telling you, knowing you're deathly afraid of needles..that the only therapy is injections. and that taking it will NOT stop you from feeling bad. it will just stop the frequency of you feeling bad & may NOT prevent it from developing into a worse disability. there is no guarantee. imagine finally agreeing to start therapy, that you have to take an injection everyday for the rest of your life. then a few weeks into you get a letter telling you they will no longer be your doctor, here's a list of people you can go see.  then they send you to a clinic full of people in wheelchairs, with canes,etc. every time you watch a show and someone has it, it's always in it's WORST form. truthfully there are tons of people living with MS, but the one's who are doing ok...you never know. you only see the fake people, with the fake smiles, and fake words of encouragement on the promo video for your injections. yanno it's fake, because when you actually start taking the injections it's burning like hell. there are lumps, bruises, & different reactions to it that no one really tells you about.

it really sucks. the idea of potentially developing a disability, really sucks. a lot of days it's not on any one's mind but mine. and that REALLY sucks as well. i try just as hard as everyone else, not to think about it. then i remember i have to take my damn injection. now every time i'm sore, stiff, my knees hurt, my eyes hurt..i dunno if it's cause i'm getting old, worked out too much, got something in my eye or because i have MS. every time my legs go numb, i dunno if it's because of how i was laying or the beginning of a disability. it's a constant state of scared. and i know, everyone says, trust. believe. have faith. but it's much easier when it's not you. i wish it was not me. but it's something i'm dealing with. even saying it. writing the words right now, is more than i could have done a year ago. so i guess in time, it'll get better. one year down....too many more to go (hopefully).