Saturday, June 5, 2010

mr. super - car - hero

June Challenge (day #5)

i am not a mechanic. i am not triple A. i am not D.O.T. (department of transportation). i am not an officer. i repeat i am not an asshole officer with nothing better to do than to watch you broke down on the side of the road only to speed by you to give someone a ticket. i may be a self proclaimed, mr. fix it, but i have no extensive knowledge of cars: just how to operate, customize, & fix the basics.

so why do i get phone calls all the time about "check engine lights", "flat tires", "no gas", "dead battery", etc. why does my name come up on the, "who you gonna call" list? i am not ghostbusters, nor do i have an ad in the yellow pages. so tell me why i had two distress car situations in the same day. tell me why. it's okay...i'll wait.

don't get me wrong. i'm the type of guy who'll stop if i see a woman on the side of the road. i'm the type of guy who'll report an accident or at least ask or assure someone is there to help you. but being beckoned like a super-car-hero. is not my favored identity.

it started off with my cousin. i had dropped my son off at school, decided to get some work in. was in my zone, being very productive i might add. and i get this call. " car won't start". i immediately say, "is your battery dead?". she replies, "no, it just won't turn on..". she mumbles something else and we get off the phone. ten minutes later, "hey, my car is making an awful noise..i don't know what to do". i ask her what it sounds like.

her description: umm.. it sounds like the bottom of the car is about to fall out.
my comment i regretted the second i realized i was setting myself up: i  wouldn't drive it then.

next thing i know she has me headed across town to pick her up. usually there would be more questions, but she was frantic. it seems she was on her way to get her cell phone fixed. she doubled back because she noticed the problem was still there. she said as she turned around she heard the awful noise and her car stopped. and a strange man stopped and offered her a ride. her being paranoid, told him "no thank you, but can i use your phone?". the dude replies, "sure" and motions her to get into the car because he was using a car bluetooth device. my cousin assuming the dude was trying to kidnap her, calls me while standing outside next to his drivers side window. if she wouldn't have involved a stranger and had her cell phone, maybe i would have convinced her to find another solution ( someone else). but i get there to pick her up. she's still in the cell phone place letting them fix it. then she wants me to look and listen to her car. i try to fake like i know what i'm doing, and check the usual suspects. under the hood: the oil, the battery, & fluids. again...dunno what magic button i was supposed to press, but i informed her she would be getting a ride back home. get her back home.

i go pick up my son. we share a few wacky father & son adventures. we get home, trying to settle in for the night.i get a call, my mom's outside she decided to stop by. let me add, my mom calls me from the driveway to inform me she's gonna stop by. *blank stare* this point, are already here. i'm digressing..

so she comes in and talks for a while. i walk her outside. she gets in the car. i see her start the engine. then turn it off. start the engine. then turn it off. start the engine..ok. i walk over to her window, "what's the problem?" she informs me her "check engine light is on". she now wants me to inspect her car in the dark of night, again like i can fix that problem. so again, i check the basics. gas cap & under the hood. since she keeps saying, "my coolant's been low, my coolants been low". she urges me to check that first. i do and i semi burn my arm due to the hotness of the car and the warning on the knob that says, "do not unscrew while car is hot..". while holding my cellphone up to the hole to see, because again did i mention it was night time? i see coolant. i check the oil, i see oil. she's looking at me, i'm looking at her. she's looking at me. i'm looking at her. she's looking at me....needless to say i took her home as well. ending my day with two saves, one car on the other side of town, one car in my driveway, but two ladies safe at home.


Freckles said...

awwww gee. I feel you and I try not to be the woman that calls for rescue but I have to say i have been guilty but I do attempt to call the friend that dwells within a certain specialty. I always have a friend that may know a friend within the realm of the problem.

I understand this not being your favored identity but think of it this way - there are women that call you because you have proven to be reliable. It is to be appreciated.

stephanie said...

i'm really enjoying your posts so far :)

funny, witty -- i like it a lot.

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@freakles: i hear you, not saying anything is wrong with getting distress calls. just saying, why is MY phone the distress hotline lol.

@stephanie: thank you, very much!

jazzyjaz said... brother has the same problem the moment he dropped a little basic knowledge about cars everyone thought i knew more than he does...

sunshinestar110 said...

So can you listen to my car to and tell me whats wrong?!? LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@jazzyjaz: my cousin's husband is like that. but he's the sorriest dude in existence. his ass don't know NOTHING he should know as a man. he need to go to "man" school.

@sunshinestar110: i can listen. and i can tell you what i THINK is wrong. which will probably be wrong, but ah..

★Starrla Monae☆ said...

*calls you up* Hey, hi! Ummm, my car is smoking. Can you tell me why?!