Friday, August 26, 2011

manfive friday #92

so...when y'all talk, you can hear *crickets* in the background.

you sit in silence, or he rushes you off the phone.

y'all are always arguing/disagreeing and you're really not saying anything at all.

how does the communication barrier go up? how do you go from finishing each others sentences. hanging on each others words. and knowing what to say & when to say it...

to getting on his last nerve?

manfive friday #92 topic of the week: how to talk to your man after the conversations get boring..

come on...we all know in the beginning, everything is easier. the words flow off his tongue like honey and you're addicted like a bee. and he's equally as smitten. then one day that telepathic connection is interrupted. you're talking, running your mouth..and he's holding his head in horror.. he hasn't heard a word you've said. and you've said a lot of them. 5 ways to rebuild the bridge of communication with your dude....

#5: don't talk to him like he's your home girl...

that 2 hour conversation about how your home girl is having this, that, & every issue with her man or other chick friend. yea....we LIVE for these type of conversations. nothing like listening to someone else's boring ass drama. gossip. yes men enjoy crazy stories that involve: sex, violence, and action. will he listen to you telling him about your chick friend catching her boyfriend soliciting trannies off of craiglist..yes. will he listen to a story about how nay-nay is mad tanisha charged her $75 for her new weave when she quoted her $64.32 on the phone?

your man is NOT your chick. he is your friend. and you can share things with him that interest you, but don't forget you're talking to a man. limit the "girl talk". limit the "women issues". limit the amount of "chatty cathyiness" that should be reserved for your chick friends. he doesn't care your nails polish chipped. or your 298 hairstyle of the night did not work out as planned. he's not really turned on about you talking about the new turtleneck you bought in 3 different colors. he doesn't watch rupaul drag race, nor will he even entertain your.."do you think (s)he is cute?". and when it comes to your period: blood clots, staining your pants, bed, or underwear are the last thing he wants to hear about...these are not topics of interest for him. at least they shouldn't be...eliminate the "girl" shit from your conversations and you'll see the difference in how he responds or "listens" to what you have to say.

#4: stop being predictable...

most men are no nonsense. meaning we can't take nonsense. we already THINK we know what you're going to say. but when we figure out, we KNOW what you're about to say it makes it even more painful to listen to you. i admit i'm guilty as hell of this. if i'm talking to my chick...and i know what she's going to say. or i know she's going to go on a random tangent in the wrong direction...i will interrupt the fuck out of her. it is rude. but wasting my time when shit i already know you're going to say is rude too. and i cannot for the life of me sit there and listen to something i ALREADY KNOW you're going to say. it's like watching a movie you already know you hate and thinking it's going to be different the next time, it's not.

if you call him at the same time everyday. go through the same series of events everyday. if you're day is one endless circle of the same shit over and over're losing him. he is totally not interested in what you're saying. if you keep bringing up old shit. if you keep recycling old conversations. if you won't let dumb shit go...he's going to mentally let you go when it comes to talking. switch it up. add some excitement. don't be the broken record that he wants to throw out...

#3: talk about or ask about things that interest him..

 if you don't know things he likes to talk about...ask him. if you know things he likes, stop avoiding them. a fatal flaw in relationships is women thinking "i don't want/like to talk about this/that.." so they don't. i'm not saying go out of your comfort zone and engage in conversations that make you feel less than a person. i'm simply saying as much as you hate talking about something, weigh how important it is to him vs. how it makes you feel. if it's not that big of a deal, stop acting like it is. if you just wanna hear him talk...ask him about the car he's restoring. it's not like you're that interested in it, but it'll be something he's excited about. something he'll ramble on and on about. it will probably teach you something new about him. if you listen. the key is listening. and caring. you have to do both in order to successfully have a healthy conversation with him.

women mistake "silent" as, having nothing to say. and are surprised as hell when they find out he talks to his other friends forever and day.  a disadvantage of being a girlfriend over being a friend is..most of his friends like all the same shit as him. that's the reason they're friends. being his girlfriend, you kinda snuck in the friend door because he developed feelings for you. but the feelings for you, masked the differences that would have eliminated you from his "friend circle". meaning...he likes/loves you. so he deals with you not being interested in the same shit as him. but if you were just a friend he'd simply just not call, text, tweet, or chat with you as much.

#2: stop being judgmental...

if he can't tell you how he feels without you looking at him differently. if he is met with a argument every time he tells you what's on his mind. if you belittle him, his dreams, or wants. he's NOT going to talk to you. he might talk to you about non-serious things. but he'll stop letting you in.

it's hard to be impartial. especially when it's someone you love and you take their opinions personally. if he says he hates this or that. you can't help but wonder if he's talking about when you do this or that. if he says "no one understands me" can't help but group yourself in the "no one" category. it's hard to let some one's opinion be their opinion. it's much easier to want him to "don't talk, just listen". then to actually do that yourself. it's hard to just listen. to be sensitive to him being sensitive.

a lot of times a woman will grow tired of a man complaining about work. how upset he is with his life. what his friend did that upset him.'ll whine about this, that, and everything else to him all day. but the second he does it, he needs to "man up". the crazy thing is...he'll find a friend to talk to who'll indulge him. why can he talk to them about all the things bothering him, but not you?..because they don't judge him or make him feel crazy for feeling the way he does.

#1: deconstruct & reconstruct...

to rebuild the have to break down the barrier that's blocking you from crossing it. acknowledge there is a problem. figure out what can be done about it. then fix it. if you don't talk enough. if you don't talk about important/serious issues. if you can't make it through one conversation without cursing and yelling...figure out why. it's easier to give up then to try to solve the problem. if he is worth it. if the relationship is worth it, you owe it to yourself to try. if you two used to talk all the time, don't lose that. don't build up a wall, then act like it was always there.

it's natural for people to change in a relationship. for people to get too comfortable. for people to get offended or hurt. he might have forgot how happy it makes you that he calls just to say "hello". you may have forget his favorite "words" he loves to hear you say. the worst solution to bad communication, is no communication. stop thinking because you're having communication issues you aren't compatible. the same way you worked yourself to this point in your relationship, you can work yourself to a better place.

i read a subtweet that said.."don't try to reconstruct a broken building...". but the truth is, why destroy a building with a good foundation? yes, if it's new it'll be less complicated. but if you're able to rebuild. if you put the time & effort into making that broken building better. it'll be worth so much more than the new..less complicated building. you can be on  #teamglasshalffull or #teamglasshalfempty...

i'd choose #teamhalffull any day...negativity breeds failure.


Monique said...

Good post. I hope some are taking notes.

Piph said...

Very, very good post.
It's funny... the new guy in my life, I let him rant on about the most random stuff that has/is happening in his life, and root him for letting it out lol. Yet, I let him come to me about the stuff without pushing him to do so. Your posts are REALLY helping a lot, and I'm thankful for them. (A long with other things that I've learned from others and experiences that I have gone through with other guys.)
Matter of fact, just last night I was irritated about something with another female, ended up talking to him for a bit, told him but didn't bother to talk about it cause it was one of those "dumb female problems" that I knew he wouldn't be interested in hearing lol.