Friday, August 5, 2011

manfive friday # 89


so you've been looking high & low for the right guy. and you can't find him anywhere...you've checked the colleges, e-harmony, mixers, etc...and the question still remains....

where are all the men hiding? when it comes to finding a man, it's not so much where you're looking. it's where you shouldn't be looking.


this week's manfive friday's #89 topic of the week: where NOT to look for a man...

this topic was proposed by sunshinestar110..she told me she wasn't relating to my other manfives. so i asked her what would be a topic of interest. y'all know i look out for y'all right? i'm not gonna steer you wrong. i'm not going to tell you to "think like a man". i'm just going to do the "man thinking" for you and give you the truth about these places you're looking for guys in. and let you know why a guy you'd be interested in..would probably not be found there...


#5: jail...

ok. if a guy can't call you without an operator introducing him and asking your permission to connect and charge the call to your phone...you probably shouldn't be talking to dude. ladies, i don't care how much you like thugs. how much they've "changed" while incarcerated. or how ride or die you think you are. never date anyone/anything in a cage. man nor beast. just say no....they are in a cage for a reason. and it's not a good reason.

"ray ray ain't commit no crime, he just stole this dude car...". um. hoodrat that is a crime. ray ray isn't a murderer. you might not have to worry about him standing over you at night breathing all heavy with a pillow, knife, boxcutter, gun in his hand.. but the second you lay them keys down....eerrrrrrrrrrr, there go your accord.

don't be pen paling. don't be going to visit, getting stripped searched, sneaking in weed in your weave...it is not worth it. the dude is locked up. meaning he is putting in time for doing some dumb shit. which means if you;re putting in your time trying to date him, you should be locked up too, cause that's some dumb shit as well.


#4: clubs...

lounges, strip clubs, go go clubs, anyplace where the lights are dim, drinks are plenty, and your mind ain't working all the way right.

do not try to find love in the club. it does not exist. guys go to the club to prey on women. the plan of action is to get you drunk enough that you start thinking he's Idris Elba when he's really Steve Urkel. he comes dressed in his best clothes, buy you drinks, then to find out he he's playing to take your panties off via the bus, cause he doesn't have a car. men aren't looking for a good girl in the club, in fact we're looking for the exact opposite. even guys in a relationship...go to see pretty ladies, get a few drinks, etc. the only guys trying to pick you up and pretend it's going to be something are the married one's. and we all know how that works...

and all you ladies in love with the strippers....i'ma give you a few minutes to come back down to reality. i know you are getting all moist looking at his physique. think he's all cut up. he's showing off the goods and grinding and doing all those sex gestures you like. but stop....and really look at him.

he's wearing panties. they are usually brightly colored panties. with frills and mesh. that's made out of spandex. he's covered from head to toe in oil. he's popping his ass at you. now tell me, in your regular world..is this sexy? is this what a guy who likes women does? i'm just saying...no judgement, but COME-THE-FUCK-ON...is this the type of dude you want to date? i don't care what you think his body look like...just because he's dancing for you and keisha on tuesday night doesn't meant h'es not dancing for kevin & dante on thursday.


#3: Service Jobs...

you walk into Old Navy...and dude stocking the shelf is giving you the eye. he's cautiously following you around, very non threatening like. you're not bothered in the least bit, because you find him attractive. and everyone knows women love with attractive men stalk them. he tells you how nice you look. ask you where you're from, your name. he's telling you how nice those pants you're putting up to yourself in the mirror will look on you. you're thinking..."wow, he's a really nice guy...he must really be interested". 

backspace...delete delete.go the fuck back to the first thing i said. "you walk into Old Navy". this dude ain't interested in you, he's trying to get you to buy those damn pants because that's his job. 

STOP thinking these dudes want to be with you in department stores. stop thinking because your waiter gave you a free drink he's trying to take you out. all getting cocky and writing your number on a napkin or leaving it next to your tip on his copy of the receipt. you got that free drink because his ass was too lazy to go and add it after he had already closed out your ticket. and he's not going to call you because surprise he does not own the resturant, that reciept goes into a drawer not his pocket. he's just going to play your Red Lobster boyfriend the next time you get a taste for some cheddar biscuits. i'm not saying don't date a guy who has a service job. i'm just saying don't go into this employment trying to make him your boyfriend. he is working. and all nice things said & done towards you are because it's his job. stop thinking the bartender has a thing for you. the bartender has a thing for anyone who does body shots, flirts, & tips him. you ain't special... 


#2: at your friend's house...or neighbors

i don't care if it's her man. her cousin. her brother. her ex. her best friend. her friends friend. do not go to your home girl's house and try to pick up no man. the shit does not work like that. the only way you can successfully meet and break up with someone without there being drama and problems..is them being able to be cut completely out of  your life. almost like they disappeared.

and yanno how it goes you date someone for a few months. and y'all break up. and you go hang out with keisha and this dude show his ass up over keisha house. or she have a cookout. a party. a housewarming. a passion party....and this dude randomly chilling in the basement when you walk down there. and now you feeling all stupid and dumb and mad. at keisha. but it's like..it ain't keisha fault. ain't no one told you to go get with her friend/cousin/brother/ex. keisha is an innocent bystander and she loves her brother just like she loves you. and even though she might love you more.....she ain't gonna stop dealing with her brother cause of you. don't complicate your friendship. don't get lazy and just start talking to any dude you see at a function a few times. venture out. find you somebody that has at least 3 degrees of separation from keisha. so when you get mad you can be like like..."fuck that nigga..." and keisha be like..."yea fuck him..". instead of you saying, "fuck that nigga" and keisha's just looking away and whistling.


another big "no-no", dating a neighbor. yes, it's convenient when shit is cool. when he's cute and y'all are flirting and you need to borrow some sugar. but as soon as things aren't good. and this dude see you walking in with another guy. or you see him with another girl. or you want him to forget where you live but he lives next door. you wonder who's been tipping over your trash cans and cutting open your trash bags. y'all awkwardly get in the elevator and have to ride down 6 floors together. your parking space is next to his and you get the urge to "bust the window out his car" every time jasmine sullivan comes on the radio (which probably ain't often, but she gets you really crunk when it does happen). you've just violated the "NOT IN MY BUILDING" rule. resist the temptation to co habitat with someone you're already in cohabitation with. imagine y'all apartments like cubicles. yes you got walls between y'all, but you still can hear through them.


#1: church...

i know y'all are thinking the devil just wrote this. i assure you he did not. ladies...i know you think the best place to find a God fearing man, is in church. and to some degree you're right. there are TONS of God fearing men in church. but when it comes to dating..those aren't the one's who are hollering at you in the fellowship hall.

picture your church. picture the outside to the door. now picture walking in and seeing those ushers standing there greeting you with a smile and the collection plate as you walk in. walk on in and sit in that pew and take a look at that fine pianist playing the angels songs as the choir sings. that jovial choir director dancing and stomping up and down the aisles commanding all of those smiley faced tenors and basses you've been eyeing all service. the assistant pastor gets up and reads a hymn from the good book as the pastor, sweat dripping from his toupee, buttons gaping from his tailored suit, sweat cloth waving in the air, like he just don't care. you got that picture in your mind?

okay now scratch out all the men in the room married sitting with their families. the young boys. the college students who'll be gone once school starts back. please point on one straight dude in the room.

ok...i know y'all think i'm going to hell. but i'm serious. what dude 27+ in the church, no woman, in a pastel suit, smiling, and passing out is really trying to get with a woman? *drake voice* "i'm just saying, you can do better....". you know just like i know that half those dudes in church are in there fighting the good "i'm not gay" fight. when obviously we all know they stay #losing.

not trying to discourage you ladies. some of this is jokes, but some of this i'm being completely serious about. it used to be taboo to date someone online. or to go to a park, or coffee house. but these days if this is where you are, if those places are things you're interested in and frequent..then that's probably going to be the best place to find someone. this isn't giving you permission to be stupid about the situation and randomly start dating and trusting strangers. just saying instead of all of the "my plan to find mr. right" just let it naturally happen doing your normal every day life. let a guy who has seen you walking your disgusting dog (because pets are disgusting) in the park for the past few weeks engage you in conversation about dogs. move your purse one morning so the guy on the subway you see every morning on your way to work can sit down and say hello. finally look up and smile when the guy at work tells a lame joke loudly because he's obviously trying to get your attention. sometimes you're too busy looking, to see all the guys who are looking at you.


{lol..this manfive is on time cause i'm out of town. so i set it to post at 7am to prevent you night owls from learning i was away not having to wait like everyone else..watch this shit don't post...}

7 comments:

Jetaime said...

::dead:: @ the entire post!

Great post!

what is your light? said...

lmao @ #1 i totally agree. of course i think my church is "different"--it actually is super gay friendly though, so i hope there are no impostors.

but yessss to all of these. sure wish i had read about #2 beforehand. sigh.

Krissy said...

If that ain't one sweet ass looking jailbird in that 1st pic there lmao! Lawd!

I agree with these as well. Love it! Had me over here crackin the hell up!

stephanie said...

all very true.

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

@jetaime:..*smile* thanks..

@what is your light?" whatever to #2..we all fall victim to that shit. just keep it movin'. and as far as the church thing goes..i'm not saying "guys are gay who go to church". i'm saying most of the guys women are scoping in church just happen to be gay. so don't go in there thinking that dudes are happy for Jesus, when they are just "happy" in general.

@krissy: glad to amuse you buddy ol' pal

@stephanie: thank ya, thank ya.

sunshinestar110 said...

awwwww was this done for me!!! *looks around* lol u are so good to me sometimes ATL!!

Freckles said...

ok ok ok... thankfully I am not worried about meetng anyone anymore but I did hookup with a neighbor in the complex but he wasnt right next door and when I met him i didnt know that he lived in the same complex. I like this post sir.