Friday, July 30, 2010

manfive friday #51

i know i'm always talking about the evils of list. but there is one list you really should jot down before getting into a serious relationship or investing your energy in someone. and that's a list of what you need him to care about when it comes to you.

manfive friday #51 topic of the week: 5 things every man should care about when it comes to his woman...

like everything else, a "concern list" is subjective. and you could probably list a million things that you WANT...but there is 5 basic things you need to always include. 5 things that he should already be hardwired to care about. and probably the 5 things you'll fight about the most in a relationship if he doesn't...

#5: you're in pain..

if you're sad. if someone just stabbed you. if someone just hurt your feelings. he should care. if you're crying (and you're not just doing it cause yall are arguing)..he should care. ok, he should even care if you're just doing it cause yall are arguing too.

but i'm saying. i call it, "make it better". every man should give you some of that, "make it better". yanno what that is. for yall most times it's a hug. it's making your laugh. it's changing the subject. for's usually sex, food, sex, listening,

#4: your safety...

the protect gene should be embedded in a man's head. what's the point of having a big & strong man, if he's not going to protect you? i'm not talking about being your personal  body guard. i'm not talking about beating folks up if they mess with you. those things are part of protecting...but it's not an everyday concern.

this is partially the reason why i say height & build isn't an indication of how well a man can protect you. a man should care about your everyday safety.

  • he should care you live alone. 
  • he should care you work late. 
  • he should care about your transportation. 
if yall go out and meet up some place. he should call you to make sure you made it home safely. talk to you on the phone as you find your keys. if he knows you're going to be out late with your friends. hit you up and make sure things are going okay. talk to you on your walk home at night. ask you if you've gotten your car serviced if it's last breath. or double check and make sure you got jumper cables, a gas can, spare tire, tire irons, etc..different things you may not think about that you may need. if he gets that call that you need him to come get you, he needs to try to arrange that. it's too dangerous these days. he should care enough to make sure you're safe. that's the safety that matters. if you hear something, he should check it out for you. if you get scared at night he should get his ass up and come over. if he hasn't heard from you in a few days. he should at least make sure you're still alive.  these are simple things that seem like courtesy, but are really important. if a man doesn't care enough to make sure you've made it home safely he's not a gentleman nor is will he be a great emergency contact.

#3: your taken care of

he should care that you're alright...i'm not talking about the "paying all your bills" taking care of you. or the "buying everything you want" taking care of you. i'm talking about the general concern like:
  • you aren't over there starving. 
  • sitting in the dark with no lights. 
  • stranded on the side of the road.

basically just care about your well being. i know it's hard out there for everyone. but if your refrigerator is sitting on "E". he should make sure you have something to eat. and it goes both should never be with someone who doesn't care about your basic necessities. if you can't pay your light bill, and he can't come up off the extra cash, or let you stay with him..he should at least go sit in the dark with you. he should also make time to come rescue you. isn't that the purpose of a "knight in shining armor"? yes it's annoying as hell to have to leave what you're doing because "someone" forgot to get gas. or that "someone" never learned how to change a tire. or "someone" didn't get a an oil change. or "someone" chose to drive 20 miles out the way to get an icee and is now stuck on the side of the road. but let's be honest. if you don't come rescue your girl, some other dude will. but like i said above, it's dangerous. there are a lot of people out there who will help you, but there are a lot of people out there you shouldn't trust. so it's a gamble. i'd rather be inconvenienced due to your failure to be responsible, then let something happen to

bottom line, he should make sure you "aiight". he should at least ask. again, seems like a courtesy..but it really is a necessity when you're with someone.

#2: feel loved

he should care that you feel loved or that you feel unloved. it's a few different aspects to this:

  • he should show you he loves you
  • he should care that you love yourself /don't love yourself
  • he should care that you love him / don't love him
you shouldn't have to ask someone you're with to love you. you shouldn't have to ask them to show it. that should just be a basic part of being with you. and understand that people show their love in different ways. that's why it's very tricky & subjective (yea, that's that word again..). everyone isn't hardwired the same. everyone doesn't show love the same. when i say this should be one of his concerns, i'm saying..if you don't feel it. he should care enough to do something about it. he should work on it. sometimes you can make the effort to show someone love in the way they need it. not saying you participate in crazy fetishes, cults, shit like that..just saying that someone who loves you won't expect you to go outside of your comfort zone to the point where it infringes on your personal beliefs. so trust that loving someone their way on occasion isn't going to kill you. "give her something she can feel...let her know your love's for real.." should be your motto..

next..if you're with someone who doesn't love should care. it's not your job to make someone love themselves. that's something that have to do. but if you see you're with someone like should care. you should either try to help them or realize that it's not worth it and not make it any worse. and i know the latter part of that statement sounds harsh, but it's true.."if you don't love yourself, how will you ever love anyone else?". sometimes to make someone focus on themselves you have to step out the way. sometimes you hinder someone from dealing with their own personal shit. they love you more than they love themselves. when you see that behavior, either try to help them. try to encourage them. if you can't make a woman see she's beautiful, she'll never fully give herself the love she needs to have in order to give you the love she needs to give you.

that being said..if a guy doesn't care that you love him. again..he's not worth the time. that's a big indication that the relationship isn't going anywhere. because as soon as you're serious about someone want something more with want them to love you. you care. so if a guy is with you but isn't that concerned about your feelings towards he's not really that interested. i had chicks tell me, "none of my other boyfriends fought with me over how i felt about them..". and i tell them, "where are the other guys now?..they didn't fight over it cause they didn't care". it's not a "your old boyfriends were full of shit"..well maybe it is. but at the same time i believe you fight for things that are important to you. and if someone loving you isn't important to you..why the hell are you even with them? just saying..

#1: you are happy

what's the point of being with someone if they aren't happy? if he doesn't care about your happiness, what does he care about? you can't make someone happy 100% of the time. i'm not saying you should be on "smiley face" every time you're around him or you see him. i'm not saying you can't fight or disagree. i find a lot of women when they fight with you, instantly get "unhappy". they will act as if that one fight is the biggest shit in the world...and now "it's time to work on the relationship". to some, fighting isn't normal. and i know a lot of you are thinking, "who the hell...doesn't fight?..i want some of that". yea i agree..i want some of that. because for all of you who fuss and fight on the regular..yall know that it happens. it's going to happen. it's apart of loving. anyone that says, "we never fight.." is a lie. i'm sorry. i'ma say it. you may not drag it out. you may not be screaming in the streets, at the top of our lungs, at each other...but you're gonna disagree. you're going to get upset. you're going to get mad sometimes at that person. that's just life.

the point i'm making is, a man should care if you say.."i'm unhappy". he should listen. he should try to change that. and it's not just limited to what he does. if you're unhappy with your job. if you're unhappy, with your home life. if you're unhappy with your friends. he should listen. he should try to help YOU change that. concern is just another word for thought. the thought should always be there. it's like a gift. it's not about how much you spend. it's not about how much you do. it's the thought. all of these "concerns" are about the thought. you have to make a woman feel you care. and you have to show her you care. a thought is something that if unspoken..not acted invisible.

again..seems like courtesy. but truly is a necessity.


Isis said...

i totally agree with this list. but 3 & 4 fall under the same category to me, as "caring about my general well-being".

so the 5th thing i would add to this list is "caring about the things about me that i think are important".

everyone is multi-faceted, and we all have a zillion things going on at the same time.

take me: i'm a sex addict, neo-pagan, polyglot (multilingual), ivy league graduate, trekkie, wannabe vegan, music-loving, black-nationalist/afro-centric, poet.

but if you wanna smash a burger in front of me, i don't care. i'm not gon drag you to star trek conventions, or try to impose upon you my love of zouk or tito puente, & you don't have to be able to discuss the finer points of marxism with me in french, spanish, or english. and as long as you are not tryna force me to read the bible, qu'ran, bhagavad gita, etc...i have no problem with you believing any or all of those works are "god's word".

if i tell you i'm gonna perform a poem that was inspired by you, i expect you to show up & support me...i want you to read & care about the letters/cards i write to you...
i want sex in our relationship to be a priority to you...
and it's cool if you don't know the significance of RBG or never read the autobiography of malcolm x, but i better not NEVER hear you makin no disparaging dark-skinned, or nappy hair jokes/comments.

cuz those things are just real important to me...

Piph said...

OMG... finally somebody who sees this like me!!!! This is just what love is supposed to be. I gotta copy and this. Do you mind if I do that? Some females and males need to read this.

But more on a personal note, with me, the dude I'm messing with is like half and half with this. Like he would do some of these things, but the other shit he won't do. So I'm kind of like stuck in between to really know HOW much he actually cares/love me. And I would ask him how much sometimes, and he would say a lot. But the stuff that he doesn't make me think otherwise. Who knows?

Cause I know I'm like this 24/7. Like if I had the resources to actually do these things I would be there in a second to help out. Friends, lovers, family, anybody for that matter. Maybe I just have a big heart and hate to see people struggling. *shrug*

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

@isis: i can see how #3 & #4 are similar. but to me it's a real pet peeve guys who don't check after their women on the safety tip. maybe that's why it made the list. i've seen dudes my cousins date not even walk them to their car at night. that kinda shit drives me crazy. ask any of my (female) friends. i am very anal about them being out at night. i always say, be careful. you shouldn't be walking..etc. i told my gf one of the main reason i have a problem with her being out a lot is that it's dangerous and shit can happen.

but i agree with your #5..and maybe that should have been one. "acceptance". he should care enough to except you are who you are. and care about things important to you. coo' coo'

p.s. i'm glad you explained polyglot cause my ass was about to hit up i know poly- is multiple. but only thing that followed in my mind was you marriage. lol. was like oh no want to share the bear?

@piph: i don't mind at all, it's a compliment actually. thing i find is, most people are half and half with this shit. some people just can't express themselves in the way you need/want them to. i've ran into that too. only thing i can suggest is patients & talking. talk to him and let him understand the things you need from him. and if he loves you "a lot" he'll try to follow up with them.

and i'm like help bank 24/7 too. it's just in our nature i guess. *shrug'in* with you. lol

Piph said...

thanks... i can tell that he's trying. i'm just an impatient bitch lol. (it's been a year tho... so yea...). lol @ it's just in our nature i guess *shrug'in* with you. lol. ur a cool dude.

Monique said...

This list is so right and so on point.

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

@piph: well thank ya, thank ya

@monique: glad you think so. don't want chicks to keep getting happy a dude is a gentleman. he should just be one.

Anonymous said...

*sigh* makes me miss my sweetie pie. Can't wait til he brings his tail back home :(