Thursday, July 15, 2010

fly on the wall..

i tried to post this earlier from my phone, failed!

i will attempt to remember all the fantastic shit i said before, potential fail!

i won't be doing a #twitterkills today, sue me fail!



have you ever wondered what people are saying about you when you're not around? not random gossipers, but people you honestly really care about. have you ever wondered what they really think of you. not what they tell you. but what they say when you leave the room. or to other people.

i've always had an issue about how people think of me. it started as a kid. i was the kid that bought friends. i used to bring candy and just give it away. i used to loan lunch money that turned into my treating folks to lunch the entire school year. i just wanted people to like me. since growing up, it has made me very guarded with friends. i always doubt someone's true sincerity when it comes to friendship. but i've let go of the "making everyone like me" shit. i mean i try to be nice to everyone. because there is still a residual feeling of "wanting people to think i'm nice" in me. i can't help it, i've always been a nice person. and i was brought up to believe that being a good person is what God wants. it's a much important virtue then the others people focus on. so to me, being a good for the purpose of just being good is what i strive for. I don't try to intentionally be a bad person to anyone.

so...my thing is when people don't think i'm a good person. or have issues with me, it really fucking bothers me. it's something i internally digest and try to work on. i'm not a person who ever takes criticism lightly. i'm saying if i think what you're saying is b.s. or it's something stupid, i'll dismiss you. but when it's people i love, trust, and respect, it bothers me. that being said.. i wonder what my girlfriend, friends,  & family really think of me. i wonder what are the good qualities. i wonder what are the bad qualities. i want to know what impression i leave with and on them. and also if they are negative about me, what is it saying about the relationship i share with them? it's one of those things, where is it me...or is it you? i wish i could be a fly on the wall sometimes. just listen to their honest opinion without fear of judgment. i hate hearing negative opinions, but i feel like it makes me a better person overall by knowing what my shortcomings & weaknesses are.

13 comments:

jazzyjaz said...

I was just having this conversation at lunch today. I was kind of the same way as a child i wanted people to like me so I did whatever it took for them to do so.I always want to know what people think of me when i leave a room especially after people get to see the real me and not the person they thinking i am. i have huge issue with people not getting to know me fro real. I have to agree with this whole post I just would love to know all my good and bad flaws....

Stay out of my brain man!!

DaBossBitch said...

Same! Wish that I could be one of those people that thought "Other people's opinions of me are none of my business. But I can't.

I can tell you what I think though. I think that you have done something very powerful in my life just through your writing. You opened the door to me re-evaluating my opinion on men. i now am beginning to believe that men care about love too. Never thought they did. Now i'm thinking it just may be a possibility.

sunshinestar110 said...

I don't really care what ppl would say or think about me because usually everyone has the same thought abut me..I'm a bitch or a jerk and to a point they are right. I just want to see what is said when one person loves m and the other hates me. I would love to see the faces made and whatever points they try to make but then again maybe not I think something should be left unheard and maybe that would be one of them things

★Starrla Monae☆ said...

I get to a point sometimes where the only opinion that matters to me is the man up above. People are always going to talk. No matter how much good you do, they will talk about how you think you're better because you did a,b,c. No matter how much bad you do, they will talk about how you ain't shit because of x,y,z. Say what you may, but I'm content with me. I know I'm a good person so I'll allow that quality to speak for itself.

Monique said...

I too have felt like that. Have you ever thought of asking them flat out what they think? Not necessarily directly but in a roundabout way just to get an idea? If it will put your mind at ease, go for it.

sushiela said...

this might be polly-anna-ish of me, but i think with a selected group of people, you have to trust them/your relationship enough to believe what they say to you is real...

i know there are people that i love & love me, who may still judge me. in my face they're all "it's so cool how you've done so many things", & behind my back it's "Isis is all over the place, when is she gonna grow up?"

& i had to learn to stop giving a fuck about that.

BUT. the people i'm tight tight tight with? i have to believe that they know me well enough to appreciate me for all of who i am (to the extent possible) & always see me in the best light. these are the ppl who always have your best qualities on deck & past successes to remind you of when you need a pick me up...and have no hesitation in telling you when you're being a lil ridiculous.

most ppl don't respond well to criticism. but as long as you show that you're receptive to receiving it constructively, ppl who really love you will be honest with you, & if they're emotionally mature, it won't be a judgment or emotional manipulation--it will be because they're really tryna help you be your best self.

DaBossBitch said...

@Starrla & Sunshinestar - Have you always been like that or was it a process?

sunshinestar110 said...

and one more thing...you went out and got real grown on me...you out here not doing tweeter Thursday no more and just free blogging...You have made me proud!!

sunshinestar110 said...

@dabossbitch always been like what? not really caring about what other people think? because if that is the question then yes...I stop caring what people think about me long ago.

★Starrla Monae☆ said...

@DaBossBitch: It was a process with me. Growing up I was very softhearted and sensitive and I always wanted to be accepted. As I got older and my attitude changed, things became so much different. If you like me, cool. If not, then hey, that's fine too.

Alee said...

I like how you'll just put your flaws out there for everyone to see. It takes a lot to do that. My issue was that I was always smaller than the other kids and got picked on and made fun of a lot, especially in middle school. Kids can be very cruel. Now that I'm 22, I still slip up and find myself wondering if people are judging me based on my size. I'm as big as a 14 year old, yet I act and carry myself like a 35 year old. It has to throw a few people off, but at the end of the day I'm just too busy focusing on other things to care.

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

@jazzyjaz: i'll stay out your brain if you stay out of mine. i just want ppl to get to know me too. i feel ppl place too much judgment without knowing.

@dabossbitch: aww, thank you. i'm glad i opened that door. because there are plenty of men who love love. just too many who are too scared to admit or acknowledge it.

@sunshinestar110: yea i mean i'm not saying i wanna know everything. i just feel like there are things unsaid, especially by loved ones. not always negative. i just want to know true honest opinions. and like you said i wanna know both sides. when you love me & when you hate me.

@starrla monae: yea i agree. God holds the highest opinion to me. and it's not that i let people's opinions effect me. i know myself well enough to know what a person thinks of me, is not what/who i am. sometimes i just wonder if the things i do effect the people around the same way it does when they do things around me. like does their opinon shift?

@monique: people hate telling me anything i ask. seriously. lol. i'm one of those people who they feel guarded around because once you tell me, i want you to explain your opinion. and i find too many people have opinions that they just "feel" but don't know why. so it's like they hate telling me.

@sushiela: i feel like ppl emotionally manipulate me tho. because most people who find that vulnerable part of me. the one that is trying to better myself based off your constructed criticism. i feel like ppl take advantage of try to change me or use me accepting their criticism as truth. almost like if you say.."i think you can be more open..". if i attempt to be more open..they use it against me like "see i thought you were trying to be more open to things.." and it's like..wait a minute. i am. but not everything.

@sunshinestar110: lol..whatever. thanks.

@alee: thank you. i just started feeling like i should just say how i feel. it's not many forums where you can just do that. and i can totally relate. in middle school/high school i was the shortest dude around. and i got picked on, looked over, & judged. and till this day my height causes ppl to do the same. just off of first glance. i've had girlfriends thing i was "weaker" because i was shorter than them or most dudes they date. i really wish ppl could look at you and see the person you are 100% not just your outer layer.

@

stephanie said...

i sooo feel you on this. i could never articulate why but i didn't need to because you just did it for me .... "my thing is when people don't think i'm a good person. or have issues with me, it really fucking bothers me."

xo