Thursday, July 15, 2010
fly on the wall..
i will attempt to remember all the fantastic shit i said before, potential fail!
i won't be doing a #twitterkills today, sue me fail!
have you ever wondered what people are saying about you when you're not around? not random gossipers, but people you honestly really care about. have you ever wondered what they really think of you. not what they tell you. but what they say when you leave the room. or to other people.
i've always had an issue about how people think of me. it started as a kid. i was the kid that bought friends. i used to bring candy and just give it away. i used to loan lunch money that turned into my treating folks to lunch the entire school year. i just wanted people to like me. since growing up, it has made me very guarded with friends. i always doubt someone's true sincerity when it comes to friendship. but i've let go of the "making everyone like me" shit. i mean i try to be nice to everyone. because there is still a residual feeling of "wanting people to think i'm nice" in me. i can't help it, i've always been a nice person. and i was brought up to believe that being a good person is what God wants. it's a much important virtue then the others people focus on. so to me, being a good for the purpose of just being good is what i strive for. I don't try to intentionally be a bad person to anyone.
so...my thing is when people don't think i'm a good person. or have issues with me, it really fucking bothers me. it's something i internally digest and try to work on. i'm not a person who ever takes criticism lightly. i'm saying if i think what you're saying is b.s. or it's something stupid, i'll dismiss you. but when it's people i love, trust, and respect, it bothers me. that being said.. i wonder what my girlfriend, friends, & family really think of me. i wonder what are the good qualities. i wonder what are the bad qualities. i want to know what impression i leave with and on them. and also if they are negative about me, what is it saying about the relationship i share with them? it's one of those things, where is it me...or is it you? i wish i could be a fly on the wall sometimes. just listen to their honest opinion without fear of judgment. i hate hearing negative opinions, but i feel like it makes me a better person overall by knowing what my shortcomings & weaknesses are.