Friday, July 23, 2010

manfive friday #50

this topic is courtesy of a tweet i saw the other day on my twitter time line. someone asked, "women how do you feel about dating a guy who lives with his parents?..."

i didn't follow the actual discussion, but as i was sitting here thinking up topics it jumped back in my mind. how many of you ladies would date a guy who lived with his parents? i mean once yall both graduated high school?..

i'm saying, not throwing no shade. but women can do that. women can live with their parents forever. . . no judgment. but guys. come on. are you serious? don't be like "the entertainer" living in your parent's basement. if you live in a house and you're not in the master's NOT your house. if you live in a house and you're going in on the bills but none of them are in your's NOT your house. if you live in a house that you have to go around to the back of under the stairs to get to you's NOT your house. stop trying to sell us the lie your parents are living with you. we just don't believe you.

manfive friday #50 topic of the week: 5 legit reasons why a man could still be living with his parents.

ladies listen closely i'm about to give you the only 5 reasons you could still date a dude who lives with his parents...

#5: if dude has recently graduated high school or college.

there is a time limit ladies. if he is class of '00. and it's 2010..he shouldn't still be living with his parents. yes, it's a recession. yes, it's harder to find work straight out of school. yes, "the man" is still busy keeping some folks down. yes, i agree it's hard out there for a pimp...but you should aspire to be more than a pimp. you should also aspire to free your parents of financial responsibilities for a grown ass man. if they let you come back home, they probably were helping you out while you were in school. and now they are footing the bills while you try to get on your feet.

ladies. this is the "potential" dude. you have to see it in him, to be able to date him. because more than likely. he'll be the one with nice shit. a nice car. nice family. but no fucking job. you'll have to judge him on his dreams and aspirations. all of which he hasn't quite formed or got to the "how i'm gonna do it" part. be careful on this dude. he could turn out to be a success. or he can turn into the dude that moves out his parents house and starts shacking up with you. now you're taking care of a grown ass man. it starts by him staying over a few nights a week. then all of a sudden,dude is on YOUR couch. you're getting ready for work and his ass eating YOUR cereal, watching YOUR tv, sitting on YOUR couch telling you to have a good time at work. a good time at work? oh yea..his ass didn't get the memo that fun isn't the word for work. he doesn't know "work" was an actual job, cause his ass ain't got no damn job. make sure this dude is actually making moves to better himself. or you'll find yourself with a bum, bum, bum, bum, bum...

#4: If he's a slave to his family..and has to help them survive..

true story. my cousin is a slave to his family. his family is on the brink of losing everything every week, almost like the Evan's family (Good Times). every time he gets out the house they pull him back in with a "sad story" & expected responsibility to his family. he is able to move out, but his family has him helping keep the lights on, helping pay the mortgage, sharing a car..etc. he's not the kind of guy that is ideal to date because with owed responsibilities like that he'll never be able to give you anything.

the reason i say he's because all he needs is a woman to rescue him from his family. he need a woman who will come into his life. make his ass move across country and he'll be free. because he's a worker. he'll work anywhere, doing anything. that's all he's been doing all his life. is working. and he is loyal and dedicated to taking care of his responsibilities. if you can rescue a guy like this. i say go for it. because you'll never have to worry about him being unemployed or him expecting anyone else to take care of you. so you have to be built to fight his mother, who is in control of his life. if that is a "no-go" surrender at hello. just walk the fuck away...because mothers that got their hands in their son's wallets are willing to fight to the death to protect what they deem theirs. so tread lightly with this type of dude. admire his loyalty. but be scared of the monster that will hate the very thought of you.

#3: he's saving to buy a house...

okay.there are three rules to this.

  • rule #1: he actually has a job
  • rule #2: he actually has a savings account. not just putting money away in his checking account, under his mattress, in a piggy bank, in a hole in the backyard, in his sock, etc.
  • rule#3: he has a deadline...knows a figure...and is actively looking for homes.
if he doesn't follow these three rules, that ninja is lying. how you saving to buy a house and you ain't got no job? that being said, you're saving a large sum of money but you have no "special" account for it. it's like filing important paper work. you don't put that shit in the same folder as everything else. if he has no savings account, i can promise you he has no savings. and finally if there is no "deadline" when he's gonna be done saving this money. if he's not sure how much he's trying to put down on a house or save. and if he hasn't even begin to look for the kinda home he's trying to invest all this money into. this dude is just puffing smoke. if he tell you he's staying with his parents and not paying bills so he can save up to buy a home. that's a great strategy. if his parents are willing to help him out that way, they are great parents. they aren't nurturing a bum, they are enabling their man child to "get himself together". recognize this quality as something good. if he checks out..then you can possibly be in that house with him in a few years. so don't sleep on the "saver dude".

#2: if he's taking care of a parent: sick or elderly..

these days with people not being able to retire till late in life. people not having coverage or insurance like they used to. it's not uncommon to find yourself in a situation where you're taking care of a sick or elderly parent. yes it's more common that women take care of their parents, in some cases a guy might be staying home to help out a parent who is sick or just old. maybe he's staying with grandma so she'll have company & not be in that big ol' house alone.'s a stretch. but maybe, just maybe he loves his family. i never really saw dudes being caretakers of the elderly like that. until i witness my grandma get older and sicker. and she needs her kids to help her. she doesn't want to stay in a nursing home. therefore wherever she stays, it requires whoever is there to help her. now i see my mom taking on the brunt of the work when she has 6 other siblings. two of which are brothers who act like they can't be bothered because they are "men". it makes me value my relationship with my mom more. and to me if she was ever to get sick i would take care of her.

that being said...women who date a man, get with a man who feels it's his responsibility to care for his parent have to be down for that job too. so beware that with him come added responsibility. also the fact that...even if he moves they will be moving with him. so be nice..he's doing a nice thing. but make sure you like his mama/dad. because it's a great chance they're gonna be yall third wheel.

#1: if his only other option is the street...

simply put. if he has no where else to can't fault him for living with his parents. i mean you can look at it like....

" i really want to be with someone with no options"

or you can look at it like....

"at least he has some place to go..."

there could be very good explanations. let me start with those then we'll delve into why this is the kinda dude you just need to close the blinds on.

good explanations:

  •  maybe he JUST lost his job
  •  maybe he JUST got divorced
  •  maybe he JUST moved back to the state (starting over..)
  •  maybe he's JUST in transition to his new place
  •  maybe his roommate flaked out on the rent and got him evicted (having a roommate and being a grown ass man is also a problem, but that's a topic for another day)
  • etc...

close the blinds:

  • he quit his job, with no other way to pay his rent
  • he moved out to avoid paying his half of the rent (he's the flaker)
  • he cheated on his ex, and got put out the house
  • he just got out of jail
  • etc..

my point is this. you want a man who takes having shit (like a place to stay) as a priority. yes, some times people fall on hard times. yes sometimes you have to do what you have to do. just make sure that living with his parents is his "plan z" not his "plan b". make sure it's his last resort. because the guy who is living with his parents because he's personally fucked up...will always look for them to bail him out. they allow him to be a weak ass dude. and aren't doing him a favor at all. so unless you're the type of chick who wants to feel like your 14 again, and be afraid you're gonna get caught making out. or if he has you sneaking out in the middle of the night. climbing through the window and shit. this is not the guy for you.


Alovelydai said...

My hubby lived with his mom before we started dating. He was a "slave" to helping her but also had major cash in the bank. Soon after he moved out & once we got serious & married he had the money to buy our 1st home. I don't knock any man living at home. We seem to be the only culture that kick our kids out at 18. Other cultures pool their resources together until they're married & then they leave the nest.

Ciara Denise said...

I am way too grown to be sneaking in and out of someone's house or muffling any sounds that might seep out, so yeah ... out of the question. Plus there are some shady dudes that say they live with parents {or grandparents} and you can't come over when they are really living with their woman. So, if there are restrictions ladies ... BEWARE. Love this post, you do have some valids.

Monique said...

My name is Mo and I agree with this post. :D I've dated guys that have lived at home but it was shortlived because the failed in one of the areas mentioned above. Sure I may have seen potential but the truth of his mooching ways came out and I had to go. I have an aunt that lived at home until she was 40. 40!

Beyond Danielle said...

theres nothing like a man with a place you can kick back and relax... and first hand a man with his mother's hand in his pocket is a dead end road. Eventually they'll start dipping in your pockets. Really men or woman should live with parents. It's really disrespectful to be grown and bringing company over espeacially if your not sure if that's the one you want to be with.

Isis said...

in my head is the standard that i don't wanna date a guy who lives at home.
but i feel like with this economy...shit like that is out the window...if i could live with my parents & be sane, i would be there in a heartbeat. not just to save money, but also like someone pointed out, it can be nice to be with your family. most of my immigrant friends either live w/their parents until they get married/in a serious relationship, or they live in a big house/apartment with their siblings & stay there until they marry/are in a serious relationship.

like this post!

Anonymous said...

There's some logic to this... Makes me think twice about considering dating a guy who still lived at home with mom and dad. I said "makes me think" not "I will" though.... lol

Epitome said...

I never seek from a man something that I don't have myself....with that said, I still live at the homefront with the parental units so who am I to dismiss a guy because he lives with his?

Now with THAT said...if I had my own digs a man who lived with his peoples would be a no go

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

@alovelydai: i agree, we are the only culture that thinks that we throw our kids to the wolves defenseless. i'm not a guy who would allow my son to live with me past a certain age, because i'd do what i could to help him get out my house and into his own. i believe as a man there are certain things you need to have in your life. and before he could offer a woman anything, he'd have to have things that i as his parent would help he obtain. whether that was through a degree, a loan, a direction. the only way i'm throwing any of my kids out into the world is with a plan.

@ciara denise: thanks. and that's true too. i think if you can't even SEE where a dude live, there is something strange going on with that.

@monique: thanks for approving this message. lol. 40 isn't bad for a woman. honestly if my little girl wanted to live with me forever i'd be fine with that. maybe because i don't have a girl but i'm saying. i feel like until you give your daughter away she's yours. so i'd keep her. and be steady telling her ass what to NOT do.

@beyond danielle: i 100% agree, that no one should be bringing jump offs by the house. it's almost the standard you'd hold your parent to. like if your mom or dad was single. and they started bringing hoes through the's like you don't even respect me enough to do that some place else?..

@isis: thanks. and i agree. i think the support from parents is important. i tell a lot of ppl who are home with their parents, take advantage of the help. if someone is willing to help you save your money..let them help you. save. work towards something. if i had someone paying all my major bills, i'd be on that shit in a heartbeat too.

@alee: i see you with you.."makes me think". to each their own. i don't think i'd want to be seeing somebody mama or daddy every time i'm chilling with them either lol.

@epitome: i can respect that. that's how i feel about a lot of issues women have with men. it's almost like..."it's good for me, but not for you. but i do think as a man you have the responsibility to actually be responsible. and for the 10 men a woman has to choose from. the guys with their own places will rank higher, because they have something to offer that the 1 guy doesn't.