Sunday, August 1, 2010

love trails. . .

hello out there in blog land...i'm enjoying hitting the blog up randomly instead of just showing up on thursdays & fridays. reminds me of the days i used to have a journal. well..i still have one. some of yall probably saying, "yea got one, you're never on..only reason i read your blog".. (shout out to isis, mo & kita.."i'm sorry" lol)

but i used to write all my little feelings on there. it was really the first medium other than my music where i could just really pour out how i was feeling. and it's like..if i felt people were gonna judge me i'd just filter or cut their ass from my friends list. it got to a point where i had a good core of people who i'd even consider friends. like i could honestly hang out and be cool with. it's weird cause i started it in like 2002. so i've known a lot of them for like 8 years and shit..and i literally watched a lot of them transition from college to tax paying individuals with real jobs and shit. i also grew up. my life started really coming alive..i transitioned from a computer engineer who "made beats" in my spare time to someone who flipped a dream and started living it. that's why i hate the term, "make beats" cause that's some elementary shit to me. i made a career out of a dream and a lot of them were there for that. a lot of them remember all my complaining, all my excitement, all my good times & my bad one's too. they also remember my love trails.

yanno. anyone who has a blog, journal, status, profile..whatever..knows when you're in a "love" or in "like" you share that with the world like it's the best shit ever. i mean i guess i'm just a love-a-holic. i never tire of sharing feelings of "love", "lust", "like" (yes in that order..). i'd literally find a sea shell and scream

I LOVE YOU "*****"

because that's what love does to me. it excites me. it gives me life. and if i'm in the moment/season with you then i'm convinced that you could be the one that changes my life forever. not on some naive shit. but honestly when i get with someone i go hard. like my girl epitome says.."i go hard in the paint..." for love. yall think this is some shit i've matured into. but honestly i've always been a fiend for love. and my love trails are littered with heartfelt confessions of love & disappointment. seriously. i'm sure if any of the above mention journal followers comment they can tell you about this chick, that chick, the crazy chick, the young chick..etc.

because that's one thing i'm really open about. to me love isn't something you hide. and if you judge me for failing in love..i hope you've been happily married for 52 years..if not you can kiss the underside of my left nut after i finished running my 5 miles bee-itch. that's why i make no apologies. i loved-lust-liked who i loved-lust-liked, for the reason i stated in that moment/season. the expression of love was pure and genuine. and most chicks i've dated...even if they hated me after we split. they know if anything i was always upfront and genuine about my feelings. but sometimes i wonder..what does my trail say about me?

like if a chick i was talking to were to go back in my archive would she get jealous? after all it didn't work out right?...but i'll be honest if i were to get back into her archive.. i'd probably get jealous too. probably compare her feelings for another to her feelings for me? it's only natural right? if she was head over heels for another dude. if she gave him things she doesn't give me. if she felt things she doesn't feel for me. would that bother me? shoe on the other foot...would she look at my past love confessions as me loving everyone hard..and it being nothing to love her that way? do you ever think about that? like the things you say..the love you confess for "that one"..that is so strong in the moment/season but then it fades. but it's still strong as baby's diaper left under your bed...those words "i'll never love someone the way i love her/him" you know how that would rip out some one's heart you said the same thing to? could they see past that? could they believe you?...never thought about that, huh?

the way i see see the beginnings of my relationship. you see it blossom. i don't just talk about the good. i don't just talk about the bad. i talk about thinking about her so much it drives me crazy during the day because i'm not talking to her. i talk about missing her so much, i check my voicemail just to hear her voice. i talk about loving her so much that i feel incomplete with her. i talk about being pissed off, frustrated, mad, wanting to cuss her ass out. i talk about what i did that was wrong...what she did wrong...what i THINK we did wrong. i talk about the demise. if anything you will feel my heart being ripped out and tossed in the trash. because i don't take losing love easily. i guess what i'm trying to say is...when i get a "new one" you see me being resuscitated. you see me coming from that dark place into the light. and loving that woman for showing me the light. for showing me love again. it's never the same love. i don't look for the same love. i always want better. i always expect better. i always need better.

one thing i want the chick who's with me, who reads all my confessions. who follows all my love UNDERSTANDING...i want her to know how hard it is for me to love. yea, it may seem like it was easy. i may seem like the type who "just loves easily". but it's hard. from where i've's hard. and i want you to know that. i don't want to keep that shit from you. i want you to know me. i want you to know all my love, hate, pain, when i tell you i love you. you know how hard it is for me to say it after saying..."i don't EVER wanna love anyone again..". and when i look you in the eyes..and tell you that you are the only woman i ever want to be with. you're the woman i want to share my last of everything with: kiss, hug, laugh, moment, breath..

i want you to know it's hasn't been easy. it hasn't been easy, finding you....waiting on you. but now that i have you. i'm gonna do any & everything to do it. and hopefully at the end of my love trail with you, is a dead end.


Piph said...

awww... where can i find a man like u????? seriously. I've only been in love once, but it's rocky. It's a whole bunch of games being played, and I just want something that's real. An 'you love me the way I love you' type of real. And whole time, I didn't think there was a dude who thinks the way I do about this subject.

Lacy Monroe said...

hmm.. seems like you stole the words outta my head. It sucks because Im young..ugh!

Monique said...

What up! LOL

One thing I love about reading your posts (particularly when it comes to your own personal stuff) is that you don't mind being a little vulnerable. I think that makes a person much more likable and accepted by the audience.

I've never been in love (at least by my definition) but I long for the day that I will be.

sunshinestar110 said...

So I tell you that i love that fact you blogging outside of ur usually and you start getting so deep and shit *wipes tears* I can't with You ATL!! I swear I can't..I've personally never been in love like Monique but i hope that the day it happens he feels for me the way you just wrote about it!!!

ok now im going back to fighting with you!! lol

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

@piph: there are a few of out there. it think the whole, "i love you the way you love me" thing isn't practiced much these days by either men or women. people are really only concerned about what they can get instead of what they can give these days. i'm with you. i need someone who is concerned and wants to give me the same kinda love i'm giving them if not better. in fact let them be in a constant, "i'm trying to love you better.." contest with me. that's my ideal love right there.

@lacy being young, just means you gots tons of time to find that person. and i'm glad someone thinks like me. feeling kinda lonely on this side of things lol..

@monique: thank you. i appreciate that. i think you've been in love, it just probably never manifested into something you'd recognize as "that love". but if not, it's coming. so be prepared. it's a beautiful thing.

@sunshinestar110: it'll happen and he'll feel 9000 times deeper about and we can fight..come on..

think i won't drop you. it aint "beating a woman" if just keep tripping you while you running around.

Krissy said...

I like the " I'm trying to love you better" contest. Sounds awesome! Lol. Love is most def a beautiful and wonderful thing when its mutual.