Friday, July 9, 2010

manfive friday #49

it's no secret, sex is always on my mind. sex is always on any guys mind. not to say i'm fueled by sex. just saying, like a lawnmower..there isn't just one ingredient, it's a few. i need one part food, one part sleep, one part love, & one part sex. if you give me that combination, i'll be a fine oiled working machine. expect no trouble out of me, except for a little maintenance here and there.

that being said, it's totally boggles my mind how even though you ladies enjoy, appreciate, and love sex from all the time - to some of the times (depending on what side of the spectrum you're on) why is it so hard for yall to understand M.H.S.S. (must have sex situations)?

this week's manfive friday #49 topic of the week is: 5 MUST HAVE SEX SITUATIONS. 

now you ladies who like to have sex all the time, please ignore this. i'm sure to you these situations are "givens". this is for all of you ladies who sit around and pretend that you have no idea a guy was expecting sex, wanted sex, or it was part of the silent agreement you made when you accepted an extraordinary gift. either way you slice it, your bread is more burnt than buttered.

#5: if you've have asked him to change his plans with his friends, family, job, etc...

if i tell you my grandma's 85th birthday is today. and you ask me to take you to your work function picnic better be cutting afterwards. i mean after 80..every birthday is special. and now you've made me miss out on my grandma's special day. you better make it worth it afterwords.  that goes for hanging out with my boys. if i tell you me and my boys are hanging out, getting drunk...just acting retarded. and we've been planning on going fishing this weekend. and you talk me into spending it with you instead. don't have me sitting on the couch cuddling thinking about how much more fun i'd be having with them. same goes for work. if you have me call out of work. have me come by to fix something for you. and after i'm done you looking like, "thanks, you can go back to work..." that will be the LAST time i do that shit.

the point of changing your plans for you girl is that it's gonna be worth it. yes, spending time with you is great. yes i'd rather be with you overall than hanging with my boys doing stupid fucking cool awesome shit. yes, sometimes i can miss work to come save you from a bug or change a light bulb. but come on...if i tell you come hang out with me instead of going out with your girls to see your favorite athlete that's gonna be half dressed and waiting to talk to you in VIP..i gotta be offering something better. so me saying come chill with me & watch tv, sounds so less appealing then, come hang with me i'm gonna take you shopping till my card gets declined. that's what sex is like to us. if you mention sex as part of the deal...we'll leave granny with her birthday hat on and 73 of those candles still lit.

#4: his birthday, holidays, etc..

my birthday. christmas. easter. thanksgiving. new years eve. veterans day. martin luther king day. if there is a day off from school/work/life you should be walking around naked just waiting for me to fall on you. the biggest days of the year to deny me sex is valentine's day & my birthday. it is a crime. if you don't at least give me some mouth to lap loving we shouldn't even be together. everyone knows the only gift men want/expect for valentine's day is sex. that is no secret. and to deny me for my birthday....*animal cracker crocodile tears* you ought to be ashamed of yourself. there should be a small jail in hell for chicks who don't twerk a little something on holidays.

#3: vacations...

ok. now i'm not talking about a trip to local holiday inn. or the swiss mirage motel. i'm talking about an actual vacation. the only way you aren't required to have sex on vacation is if you paid for the vacation. if you only pay half you only are allowed to deny sex for half of the trip. if i'm paying for airplane tickets, hotel stays for days, activities while we there. then you better be getting naked when we get to that room. you also must block out an entire day for us to just have sex. so...whatever you wanna do, block out a day for sex. if we get there on monday. we can sight-see till thursday. on friday we hanging the "do not disturb" on the door. and on saturday we can maybe come up for some air.

men do not pay for vacations to sight-see with women. i mean we like to experience a city. we like to get out and go. but when we're with our woman..we are just going to have sex in a different environment. do not fuck up the vacation for us with your.."we gotta go see this, baby...we only got 2 more days here.." sight-seeing makes me itch unless i'm getting some sex. if you wanna stop my junkie itching...scratch it for me baby.

#2: after accepting an extravagant gift (wedding ring, car, house...etc)

ok, i'm not talking about dudes who just trick off money & gifts for sex. i'm saying if you're my woman. and we're together and shit. and i have invested a big chuck of change on a gift. i want more than just a thank you. i want more than just a, "it's so beautiful". if you jump in the car...we better be driving somewhere to have sex in that car. once i pop the question. you do your crying, and start trying to call everyone you know. you better practice talking on the phone while biting on a pillow...i'm just saying. i know yall saw "sex in the city". yall want a dude to say, "i'll build you a closet, i got this..". you better know what to say after that, "just take off your pants, i got this..".. 

the one thing groupies realize that your girlfriend never get further returning a favor for a favor. sure i love you, i'm doing this because of that. i'm not buying it to buy your loving. but i'm saying, if we're in love. and i'm throwing affection your way in the form of gifts. you should be throwing a little something my way. it's only right. thank me with your body. i don't mind you being a regifter.

#1: if yall have been on 30 consecutive dates & you're not a virgin..

the only ppl who get a pass on this are virgins. either a first time one or a "dead ass serious" re-virgin. you have to tell me up front you aren't into sex. you have to tell me up front we waiting on "marriage" if you don't disclose that and we've been dating for a month. it's time for you to pay the piper. it is not CHEAP to date. when it comes to going out i don't care where you wanna go. i don't care what you want to order. i just wanna make you happy, show you good time, court you.

dating is like banking sex points. it's not about "i take you to dinner, now you gotta give it up". it's about investing. i don't expect it the first night (it would be nice). i don't expect it the second night (it would be nice). i don't expect it the third, forth, fifth..(they all would be nice tho..). i realize in order to bank at the international house of your panties i have to pre-pay that debit card. and from then on in order to make transactions i'm gonna have to make deposits in the dating bank. i get you. i understand that. but after a month of depositing into that's time for a withdrawal.


Anonymous said...

"there should be a small jail in hell for chicks who don't twerk a little something on holidays"

Ha ha!


jazzyjaz said...

lmao @ #1... I would have to agree that all of these are great reasons but if you have to be educated on when it is great to up sex then you should rethinking all sex all together...*kanye shrug*

Freckles said...

Alee, I so agree. that was hilarious.

These are actually perfectly valid but maybe youjust have to find someone who likes it as much as you do. She is out there. I go with the chemistry and dont neccessarily have a bunch of rules but I believe in sex for all the holidays and the days in between. LOL.

Another great post.

Anonymous said...

*insert MUCH side eye here, accented with an eye roll*

Moving right along...