manfive friday #95

you ever wonder why your guy does something really nice every now and then but goes back to his usual self. why can't his "usual self" be all the unusual good things he does when you're mad, disappointed, or complaining?

manfive friday #95: top 5 reasons men aren't consistent/don't wanna be consistent?... (courtesy of @dontbejellous)

wanna know why he ain't aiming for the "consistent target" every time. why he can call you every night for a week then go back to calling you once a week. why he can be there for you when you need him this week then he's missing in action like you couldn't possibly have another "i need you" moment again. top 5 reasons he's missing that mark...

#5: women get bored of consistency...

for serious..y'all do. consistency = predictable. and predictable is NEVER sexy to y'all. a guy who always buys you flowers. always calls you. always does something nice for you...gets placed in the annoying category. even though what he's doing is a positive..you find something to complain about. 

your girl says.."wow..mike bought you flowers" 

your reaction: "oh he ALWAYS buys me flowers.."

now if you get a guy who never buys you flowers...

your girl says.. "ooh you got some flowers"

your reaction: "i know aren't they pretty mike, got me flowers..girrrrl he gonna get him some tonight"

do you see how the reactions differ. mike is only rewarded/appreciated when he doesn't consistently do something nice for you. it takes a minute for guys to figure this out, but once we figure it out we stop doing shit. if i send a chick a card or a love letter and she acts like it's not special because she gets them all the time. that makes me think = she doesn't appreciate it. too much of a good thing can truly make you neglect the fact that you should appreciate when someone goes out their way to try to do something nice for you. especially when they go out their way to consistently do something nice for you. yea, someone cooking you the same meal everyday. someone wearing the same clothes everyday. someone having the same conversation everyday...can be extremely boring and annoying. but being predictable because i've paid attention to the things you like/want and try to give that to you on a consistent basis is not a reason for you to take what i'm doing for granted. all you ladies with guys who "used to do" all the things you like are partially to blame for them stopping. just saying. . .

#4: it takes discipline. . .

it's not easy to be consistent. it's not easy to always be there. to always know what someone wants/needs. so when it comes to being consistent on a daily basis it's not always second nature. you have to work at it. as a guy you have to learn your woman. you have to know what her looks mean. what the tones of her voice means. what excites her. disappoints her. what is important to her. you can be consistent at everything except the one thing she wants and needs. so it's important to actually know and do the things that make a difference to her.

#3: you're not consistent. . .

a lot of you women fail to understand a man being consistent sometimes depends on you being consistent as well. a case of the pot calling the kettle black. you can't talk about me not doing something you don't do. you also can't expect me to do something you're not willing to do. a lot of times women are "all over the place" yet want you to be consistent. if he can't depend on you. . . why should he be consistent for you? it's not a "tit for tat" situation. he shouldn't go out of his way to NOT be consistent, but why would he want to?  look at #4...it takes discipline. he's not doing it because it's easy. he's doing it because he feels you deserve it. and when you aren't giving him that consistency in return...he feels like he's being cheated.

#2: what is consistency? . . .(use it in a sentence)

it sounds unbelievable and seems like common sense. but, maybe just maybe...he doesn't know what consistency is. not the actual term. but the characteristic. The importance of being consistent is a value. it's something you have to see, learn, and apply to your life. if he's grown up with inconsistent people. dated multiple inconsistent people. he could be ignorant to the importance of being consistent. it could seem like nagging on your part. you're "complaining about nothing". or you "wanting him to change". instead of the realization that you just want him to step up and be responsible for his actions. if he can't comprehend what it is you want, he won't be able to comprehend what it is you need. 

#1: you don't expect him to be consistent. . .

could it be your fault? i find a lot of times women allow men to not function at their full potential. like he'd do more for someone else, because they expected more than you do. you can't lower the bar. you can't dismiss someone NOT doing something you feel you're deserving of. the problem starts with you. and could possibly end with you. 

i haven't forgotten...

i haven't forgotten about my personal challenge promise. just been out of town...and jet lagged as hell. actually wrote a lot on that 10hr flight (both ways). but in the midst of bowling & working today..just haven't had time to get it off my ipad & post it....so give me like a few hours to regain my bearings and i'll be back in business.

i'm a F - I - G - H - T - E - R

i'm a fighter.

when it comes to your heart, i'll fight.
when it comes to your trust, i'll fight.
when it comes to our love, i'll fight.



and i'm not afraid to lay my cards out. to be honest. to be open. to let you inside. to show my vulnerabilities. to trust in you, in us.

in a tug of war, i'll win.
in a win or draw, i'll win.
in a choose or lose, i'll choose to win.

that's a fighter. i'm a man who will stop at nothing to give my all. my everything. and will do anything to make it work. i won't walk away til there's nothing left to fight for.


are you a fighter? then fight with me...not against me, so we can both win.

what is unconditional love. . .

my answer to the question: what is unconditional love?

A. it's an undying love that sees no wrong. it's love without any conditions. it's something almost impossible for us to give, but something so many of us strive to "try" for. loving someone isn't being a fool, even though some of the time we feel like one. loving someone unconditionally  is accepting their flaws, faults, mistakes, the pain associated with loving them, the good, the bad, and the ugly. but just because you're love is unconditional for someone, doesn't mean you stay with them. how many of you still have love for someone who totally did you wrong? be it your family, your ex, your friends, etc. it is possible to still have unconditional love, but to love yourself enough to know that it's not going to work. breaking up doesn't = love lost. if it did half of the people mourning past relationships, past friendships, and lost family members wouldn't care. you still have love for them. your love didn't die. it's like expecting a mother to love her child who killed someone. although she may not agree with the way he's lived his life. the actions he's taken. the awful things he's responsible for. it doesn't change her love for her child. that's unconditional.

why is it that we can see love that way when it comes to family, but we can't see it that way when it comes to relationships. to answer one of your questions...do i think that sex & the city feeds into an illusion that "if i wait...he'll be my mr. wonderful". yes. do i think a lot of women base their romantic ideals on tv shows, books, or movies. yes i do. this is the purpose of these things. they are made to inspire and to give hope. do i think they are at fault if you fall for the bullshit? no. but if i'm dealing with someone similar to a tv character. and i see how things could turn into this wonderful romance, what's wrong with hoping for the best? the thing is it's the "hoping" part that comes back to bite you in the ass. because at the end of the day. carrie is sarah jessica parker-brodreck. a woman seemly happily married to a man for years with a child. totally opposite of her character. in reality she isn't even living this "illusion" that's she portraying on film & tv. so why are you looking at her or at a movie to guide you through a relationship? why are women trusting steve harvey to advise them on relationships? why do some of you listen to me when i rant and rave? it's the hope that what someone is telling you. what you're seeing and relating to can turn out for the best. everyone wants that. everyone wants to think that they aren't making a bad decision. that if it worked for them, it can work for us.

do i think unconditional love is forgiving someone for constantly treating you like shit? yes. but does that mean forgiving someone means staying in a relationship with someone treating you like shit? no. i can love you and not be with you. my unconditional love is, although i say i hate you...i know i love you. i know i care. my love for you is unconditional because even though you've dragged me through hell and back i still love you. and that's not going to change. even if we aren't together. don't confuse "standing by someone" as being abused by their disregard. your love is unconditional not your presence. you can give someone a million chances, but if they continue to break your heart it's apparent they don't care. your love may be unconditional for them, but their love towards you is conditional. the condition = you put up with their shit if you want to be with them. you feel me?

as for "not putting up with some one's shit" negating unconditional love. again, let me point you back to the mother who has a son in jail for murder. she may not accept his calls. she may not visit him. she may not confess his innocence. but it doesn't take away from her love. he can't argue.."if you love me, you'd come visit me in jail". because quite frankly, he's the reason he's in jail. she doesn't owe him that. that isn't a "sign of love" that's something he wants. in a relationship. in a friendship. you may have a friend of ex/current that want you to accept or show love the way they want you to. that doesn't mean that because you don't do what they want. you don't cater to their needs that you don't love them.

"unconditional love starts in your heart...journeys to your mind...and lives in your soul." - me 

it's something no one care take away from you. no matter how much of an asshole they are. they can beat, cheat, and mistreat. and deep down you still love them. does it mean you stay? HELL NAW. but the fact that you still love them is proof that your love for them is unconditional. other than that what else do you have to prove? especially to them?....

question time.....is back!

Q: what does UNCONDITIONAL love REALLY mean? i think women are confused...is it unconditional if you cheat on me and i take you back? and if i don't what was it?

i read an article on how 'Carrie & Big' from Sex & The City, have made some woman delusional and stay in bad relationships with the hope that their Mr. Big will have that moment of self awareness, show that grand gesture of love and live happily ever after. well i agree. not that any of us should go by whats on tv or movies,  but planting this fantasy isn't healthy either...

so my question is this: is that unconditional love? giving someone a million chances to repeatedly break your heart in the name of "love"

*Question (courtesy of Rells)

my answer will post at midnight. if any of you want to chime in beforehand, go head. 

1-800-SAVE-A-HOODRAT

S-A-H operator: hello?
hoodrat: hey, my name shatiqua ma'rie
S-A-H operator: okaay, shateeka how can i help you?
hoodrat: um, i saw this number in the hair show book. i was trying to see what y'all was talking bout
S-A-H operator: ok, let me ask you a few questions first.
hoodrat: go head
S-A-H operator: is or was your mama ever a hoodrat?
hoodrat: yea, i guess so
S-A-H operator: was her mama a hoodrat?
hoodrat: like my big mama? *pattin weave through the phone* yea, i guess she was. 
S-A-H operator: interesting...are you an only child?
hoodrat: uh...depends on what you mean. i got some sisters & brothers and shit 
S-A-H operator: do you have a good relationship with your father?
hoodrat: father? shit what's that?
S-A-H operator: okaaay, this is going to be a long phone call...

a hoodrat, is just a girl who needs love.

i had a dream. a dream that every little girl had a positive male role model & influence in her life. that she had someone to protect her. someone to direct her. someone to love her, the right way. someone who made her look at herself, and see strength. someone who made her want, expect, need better for every aspect of her life. someone who let her know it's okay to depend on someone, as long as they have your best interest at heart. she needs someone to tell her she's beautiful, but not to lead her to believe that's all she has going for herself. she needs a man to show her how men are suppose to treat a woman: their daughters, their wives, their mothers, their sisters, their nieces, any woman.

little boys aren't the only one's that need their fathers. they aren't the only one's who lose direction without a male role model in their life. little girls fall victim to not knowing what makes a man a man. it isn't tattoos. it isn't their stature. it has very little to do with their physical appearance. it's their upbringing. it's their values. it's the things that have been instilled in them that makes them different from all the other guys who never did you right. a hoodrat is a victim of a bad mentality. and it doesn't always correlate to not having a good father. there are plenty of good fathers out there with wild ass misguided daughters. just saying, if there were MORE fathers who cared enough about their daughters there would be less women who cared so little about themselves.

love your daughters.


1-800-SAVE-A-THUG....coming soon.

manfive friday #94

you know how when you got cheated on, dumped, or stuck in a problem filled relationship and you call your best friend up to lean on. you tell her everything he did. everything he said. and she's there for you. wipes the tears. holds the flashlight as you slash his tires. calls the chick he's cheating with and pretends to be a telemarketer to get all her personal information so y'all can show up to her house and catch his ass creeping out.

that's your girl. that's your chick. she got your back no matter what, right? well what happens when he comes back begging to be with you again. he works that magic he does so well and makes you forget he just put you through hell these past few months. he makes you forget he cheated. he makes you accept his child with his side chick. he puts that "thang" back on you and you lose your mind to the point that you take him back like nothing happen. and you're chick is just standing there, arms crossed, side-eye rolling, still ready to fight his ass. even though you don't "hate you jody" she HATES him. ok, maybe not hate. but she remembers all the shit you said. all the shit he put you through. all the nights she listened to you complain, cry, get all depressed. and she's not as forgiving. so of course...your boyfriend now HATES her. and you stuck in the middle of course and are torn between him and her. well this manfive isn't for you, it's for you friend...

manfive friday #94: what to do when she wants you to mend the relationship with her loser boyfriend so all y'all can be friends again. (aka: so she doesn't have to choose between the two of you) And she's suddenly too unavailable to be your friend anymore...

#5: pull her friend card...


STOP, allowing her to call you friend when she's not acting like one. don't get all hurt. don't hold your tongue. jump jennifer hudson on her ass and be like, "where you at?...where you at?..." cause she must have bumped her head and forgot you yanked her ass out that pity parade. when you call her and she tells you she's too busy. or is spending time with her dude. remind her who wasn't too busy to spend time with her while he was off mistreating her. it's not about competing for time with her. it's not about her "choosing" you over him. it's about her being a real damn friend and being there for you when you NEED her. that shit is a two way street. tell her ass to round the block on that one way and head in your direction.


#4: like ms. sophia said, "Hell Nawl"...

first off, you already don't like him. 

second, he's not your boyfriend.

and thirdly,  if anyone should be mending fences, it should be him. 

don't let her make you feel bad because you don't like him. let me tell y'all something men know that women don't...."y'all don't have to be friends". ideally it'll be nice if you enjoy hanging with them. if you're their relationship cheerleader. if you're rooting on their love affair. but truthfully her being with him ain't got shit to do with you if she's still able to function as a true friend to you. if she wants to be with a loser, let her be with a loser. that being said. tell her, that you don't care he doesn't like you. you don't like him either. now that y'all got that straight, let's move on with our friendship.


#3: reality check time...

ok, 2 weeks ago she was Kelis "she hate him so much right now". today,  she's badu and he's the "love of her life". sometimes you got to remind her about the past shit she's trying to forget. not to influence her to break up. but to let her know why you feel the way you do about him. and why it's kinda fucked up she is now playing like she got amnesia. a real friend supports their friend, but they don't let them be a fool. you can stand by and watch her waste another 2 months, 3 years, or a lifetime chasing after that loser...but don't do that shit quietly. true, it's her loser. she loves him. who are you to say anything? you're her best fucking friend..that's who you are. and the way you let her know is by showing her how crazy she's acting.

her: Tyler thinks you should apologize to him..
you: wait..apologize for him cheating on you, or for him taking your car to pick up his side hoe?
her: damn, that's kinda rude
you: so is you asking me to apologize to him.


don't let her ask you, instead of asking him to make amends. she should be telling him that you're just being a friend. that you still are upset with him about what he did and he should try to be considerate to the fact that she wants to have a relationship with both of you. what is straining the relationship isn't you or him. it's the fact that she's trying to appease one or both of you. and depending on which side she's leaning to more, one of you are going to feel like she's "choosing" the other. so you let her know how you feel. you let her know that you still expect her to be the friend you've been to her. and then you try to be as courteous as you can around him. but again...you don't have to be his friend. there are tons of ppl who haven't fucked up with their girlfriend/boyfriend and their girlfriend/boyfriend's best friend HATES them. the reality of your friendship now with her is..she's with him. you have to deal with that. she's your friend, he has to deal with that. you have to put that responsibility on her to make things right. it's NOT your responsibility to make him like you, just because you still hold him responsible for the things he did to your friend.


#2:just wait, he'll fuck up in 3..2..1...

it's bound the happen, and probably sooner than you think. you know why? because she is dealing with a loser. he'll fuck up again. and she'll be back...boo hooing in your ear about all the shit she can't believe he did, again. that's the things with friends, they may forget all the shit you've done for them..but they'll eventually need you again. that's what happens when you depend on someone. and as sure as she is working on trusting him this week. it'll be something next month that she needs you for. not to mention if she's been distant, and no longer has you there to fall back on. she'll turn around and see when he's gone, there is no one else there. and sometimes people need to deal with a situation themselves to really understand how crazy it is. you being that shoulder to lean on. trying not to be judgmental. giving her that false sense of "if you really love him, maybe it can work". she'll run out of disillusion quick fast and in a hurry. and she'll be like a pound puppy at your doorstep. trusting that you'll continue being the friend you've always been. hoping that no matter how she's treated you, you'll be the bigger person and be there for her. if you want your friend back, leave her on her own for a little bit. you never realize how much someone does for you, until they're no longer doing it. if you know the guy isn't good for her, but she wants to be with him. wash your hands of the situation, and wait.

#1: time to let her go...

this is the hardest thing to do. if you've been friends with someone. supported, loved, been through all the ups & downs. it almost feels like a betrayal not to be their friend anymore. you feel bad. you miss the friendship. you feel like you're losing so much, over someone so stupid. best friends allow you "fuck ups". they allow you "do overs". they allow you to make "stupid mistakes". and they will forgive you when they know in your heart you're sorry. but they don't have to be nor should they be on the losing end of a friendship. truth is, ladies. at some point you have to let her go. if she can't be your friend & be with him at the same time. if she chooses to let him control the friendship she has with you. if you are tired of going the extra mile for someone who won't even walk in place for you. cut the strings. go find someone you can depend on. someone who is not going to use you when they're alone, and forget you when they have someone. that's not a real friendship. it's true...sometimes people are blinded by love. but at some point they have to open their eyes and see how important you are in their life.  and if that's the case y'all will find a way to be friends again.


*manfive question courtesy of Rells. thanks for the comments, thanks for the question.

the let down...

dear mr. do no wrong,

i got your cd the other day. i must admit i was startled. usually i can't make it past track one. let alone track two. but to skip to track 5 in a matter of seconds.

the horror.

as you know i'm very critical of music. after all it's something i do day in & day out. and i can admit i am sometimes dissatisfied with some of my creations. but you, you have never let me down. until i listened to this cd.

yes. i even tried to do that thing where you get out the car, get back in the car and start the cd over and act like you never listened to it in hopes it would sound different the next time. sir, this did not happen this time. how can the dude who's cds are ALWAYS in my cd changer. who i wake up to the same 3 damn songs every morning for the past few years. how could he do this to me? not to say i do not enjoy your work. i am still 100% a fan of your music. and i'm still sadly trying to challenge myself to enjoy this cd. but i have to say, i am a bit disappointed. well greatly disappointed. how could you make the best song on the album a snippet? i can't even listen to it, without fast forwarding, rewinding, or listening to an entire other song. why ol' why?

i admit you haven't sold your soul like *cough* raheem *cough*. but you were my hands down go-to-guy when it came to saying, "i like every damn song this dude ever did...everyone. there isn't a song he's done that i haven't liked". you have now added a few songs to make that statement false. *covers face*. i'm sorry. i really am. i want to love it. but i can't. i want to listen to it and not hear all the wack features on it, but i can't. hopefully you will not think ill of me. hopefully you will not deem me as a hater. you are still my favorite artist. i just can't ride to your new cd, the same way i've ridden to your other one's. don't know why....well i do know why. i've just explained why. but i'm saying. i feel like i'm at a crossroad. like my two best friends are dangling off a building and i can only save one. i feel like because i don't like your new cd, i will somehow find another. ok...maybe i was wrong for saying that (out loud). there is not another like you. i'd just like you to go back and do another cd, asap.

please & thank you...signed

- your #1 fan

*and for all of you who know who i'm talking about...don't you dare say his name. i will not slander him, nor use his name in vain. 

at the top of my lungs. . .

i love you. but i dislike talking to you sometimes.

i see forever with you. but sometimes i just need some space.

i understand. but at times i think you're totally insane.

you make me so mad sometimes i just wanna scream at the top of my lungs..

FUCK

not fuck you. not we're fucking finish. just, FUCK! how can someone you love so much, make you so fucking mad. make you wanna punch a wall, a stranger, somebody's ugly little baby. how can i get so upset that it just totally ruins my mood or my day. how can you make me pissed off at EVERYONE else, when really i'm just mad at you. fuck.

can't think. can't focus. i'm walking around like a zombie, replaying our conversation. rehearsing my responses. wondering if i can deal with this. deal with you. fuck.

actually thinking all the other chicks i've dealt with aren't as crazy as i thought they were (but they are) cause you are mayor of crazyland today. and as crazy as i think you are right now...i still can't bring myself to saying, fuck you.

i just wanna scream FUCK...FUCK...FUCK...FUCK at the top of my lungs.

and then be back in love with you an hour later. fuck.

missing you. . .

"i'd wish upon a star
but the stars are too far
all i see is sky
and wonder where you are" -me

i reached out to touch you, but pulled back air. i checked over my shoulder, you're still not there. i feel like the days are too long. the nights are too cold. there's a void in my heart, a void in my soul. where did you go....what did i do....where can i go, to find you?

i miss....you.

challenging myself..

 

y'all notice when i'm challenge i can post everyday. but when i'm done, i get all lazy. not saying i'm going in on the blogging, but i'm gonna challenge myself this month to post at least once a day. not for bragging rights. not because everyone else is doing it. but just because i want to do it.

so guess what, like it or not. i'm gonna be all up in your dashboard. so get ready.

you ready?

love the way i lie...

 

remember when we used to be so close. yanno, that best friend shit. where we could talk for hours. tell each other all our dirty secrets. be honest as hell about how we feel. things we dislike. things we want. things we need. things we are afraid of being judged for. . . then we got together.

and all that shit stopped.

not that we aren't honest. not that we don't talk. not that we don't laugh and tell each other everybody else's secrets. but we got to that point where telling the truth = getting into a fight. not telling the truth about important shit. that we kinda do & deal with the ramifications. but telling the truth about dumb shit. dumb shit that before wouldn't matter. stuff that we would laugh about. stuff that we would be like, "whatever" and not be offended by. now it's like walking on eggshells. if i don't like your hair. you don't like my choice of attire. i think your friends are....

you get my point. i'm starting to think you love the way i lie. 

instead of telling you the truth. you'd prefer me to just say shit to avoid the fights, discussions, issues. 

saying, "i'm fine.." when you know i'm not.

saying, "it doesn't matter" when you know it does

saying, "nevermind" when it's on my mind

why do we do this? why can we be open and honest when there is little "on the line", but when we invest ourselves..we get scared. scared of judgement. scared of expressing ourselves. scared of losing that person because of petty, stupid, dumb opinions. opinions that were once valued. opinions that were once funny. 

when did we get so sensitive?

it's been so long.....

i had to clear the cob webs from my blog. i'm out of excuses. i've just not had time, forgive me. i'm getting back on it this week tho.

manfive friday # 93

so....your man's sensitive. he loves to get his cry on. he can't take it when you say, "you're so sorry that's why your daddy left you when you were 4 years old".

or when you tell him, "my ex used to make my toes curl..you just make me toe nails fall off...".

let's face it, he's a punk. what man can't take a little criticism?

whoa. whoa. whoa. ladies...

yes, this dude is on hit. but y'all know i just put these pictures of dudes crying because i know you chicks LOVE laughing at crying dudes. but truthfully, sometimes you ladies have to be careful how you hurl the insults, complaints, and suggestions.

manfive friday #93: how to convey a suggestion, complaint, or criticism to your man without totally making him hate you forever

we men aren't made of stone. we have feelings too. and sometimes you ladies can be a bit harsh, cold, or down right rude when it comes to suggesting we change something about ourselves. you can't talk to us like we're children, animals, or the gum on the bottom of your new heels. you have to take a few things into consideration before you start talking sideways...five tips to softening the blow:

#5: make it seem like it's his idea...

sometimes you just gotta talk us into it. if you want us to do something. if you want us to change something. the last thing you want to do is make it an "order". an order is you telling us what to do. and what man wants his woman telling him what to do? we will disobey an order JUST BECAUSE. so the trick is making us think it's our idea. 

saying: "didn't you say you were gonna fix that light?"...

will confuse him. he'll be like, "i did?".."really"..."oh yea i did..". 

saying: "remember that brown shirt you had on last month....mmm" *bite lip*

will make him think you liked it, which will make him put it on to make you bite your lip again. will also make him get other shirts like that to influence you to do the same.

saying: "i love it when you've been working out and all sweaty..."

might actually disgust you. but it will make him get up and exercise if he thinks it's not about "actually exercising" but if he thinks you think it's sexy...he'll get up and work out to impress you. if you need him to shower immediately..maybe tell him the scent of his soap turns you on. it seems crazy...but you have to lay a little honey. 

the thing is suggesting without telling. women have been planting ideas in our heads since the beginning of time. y'all seen those "power of V" commercials. 

#4: he's not a snail, resist the temptation to throw salt...

women know how to really stick it to men when it comes to words. we got y'all beat in the muscle department, but when it comes to the rapid mouth power...y'all win hands down. when you're really mad. really pissed off. yanno the point where you can't even see straight and you start feeling around for the nearest weapon...

do not go there. yanno. to that place you've been stock piling your list of insults towards him. you got everything categorized based on how mad his ass actually made you. so maybe the only thing you've said to thus far is..."you so stupid...". let it stay there. do not reach in your bag and pull out, "you so stupid, that's why Jerome ain't even your son".  if you hit him with, "that's why i can't stand your ass...". don't re-word that shit and say.."that's why i cheated on your ass". if you're having issues with his mama, do not. i repeat, do not. say that shit out loud. you can think she a bitch. you can call her all kind of things in your head. but do NOT let that shit slip out your lips. talking about a man's mama is NOT the same as talking about your chick friends mama. he don't care how trifling his mama is. you are never to comment on that shit. even if he's talking about her, there will NEVER be an invitation for you to talk about her. just shake your head, yes or no and try not to smile. 

insults to a man don't go away. he'll always remember the foul shit you said to him. so be sure if you've reached down to the depths of your insult bag that you're ready to never talk to him again. and you got some police protection. and sneakers on..cause your ass gonna need to run. 

#3: make a habit of being upfront and honest...

this way he doesn't feel like the shit you're saying is out the blue. a lot of times you ladies wait a long time to tell him something you don't like. or something you want to change. and he's thinking, "why are you telling me this now?". he'll also feel like you're confronting him and be less receptive to what you're actually saying. everyone knows the second you say something to someone they get on the defensive. so don't make a habit of letting something that bothers you slide, because if he's been doing it for a while. if you've been with him for years. and he's doing something you don't like, what is it now that is making you say something? it makes him over think the situation. which is another reason why he'll get more upset. it's always good to take someones feelings into consideration, but if you're going to say something he may not like at least be upfront and honest about it. you ladies like to sugar coat a problem then really go hardcore on it. if him not calling is an issue. say that. don't pretend it doesn't bother you. don't act like it's something else he's doing that's got you pissed off. just tell him what the problem is...

#2: it's called constructive criticism for a reason...

because it's supposed to serve a purpose. no one likes to be talked about. no one enjoys someone pointing out their flaws. so when you HAVE to say something, make sure it's for the betterment and not just for your own sake. 

as men, we aren't supposed to take things personal. we aren't supposed to get our feelings hurt. we aren't supposed to let you know things bother us. but y'all already know that shit is just a front. we're just as sensitive as y'all, it's just not "COOL" for us to act like it hurt our feelings. 

telling your dude:

he sucks in bed.  he's gotten fat.  he doesn't make enough money. 

if you're not offering anything constructive just break up with him. it's no point in saying shit to anyone if it's just to hurt their feelings. if you want him to do something different. if you want to motivate him to try something new. if you want him to do better for himself, then offer more than just a complaint. a complaint doesn't inspire change. it inspires resentment. 

#1: ask yourself is it even important?...

before you go saying shit to him about changing, something you don't like, things that bother you. ask yourself, is this important to me? because most times it won't be. some of you ladies moods change at that special time of the month. some of your moods change on rainy/sunny days. some of you are sad in the winter/happy in the summer. some of you ladies are bipolar and just flip out randomly. whatever your situation...

is it that important that you even need to say something? take into consideration how it may make him feel vs. how it makes you feel. i know most of you ladies have common sense. and will do this automatically. but for you ladies lacking the common sense...learn to pick your battles. say something when it's important. let things go when it's not. hold your tongue when you're unsure and watch what you say. not trying to stifle you....just saying words hurt. and they are very hard to take back once said.

 

 

i'm back. i'm sorry.

it's been a long time, i shouldn't have left you...

it's been a trying time. but i'm back due to all the threats of personal harm request for my whereabouts.

what can i say, i've slacked majorly. beyond majorly. i really do plan to make it up. so be patient. 


new manfive coming in 3. 2. 1....

hour. day. week. i'm kidding. it's coming up. lol.

highly unacceptable...

My lack of blogs...lol.

I's sorry!

I got 2 manfives coming up. And I'm getting close to manfive #100. So I plan to do something special for that. so stay tuned.

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*updated*  9/22/11


my bad folks...i swear i had every intention on "making up" for my lack of updates. but i had a health scare w/ my grandma friday which has been very stressful, had a bday part for my godson, been extremely and unusually exhausted. i know excuses, excuses..


i just wanted y'all to know i didn't forget, just hasn't been an easy week.

day # 30 music challenge

day# 30: my favorite song last year...

ERIC ROBERSON - "WEEKEND GETAWAY"

could honestly say anything by this dude was my favorite song. this dude is an amazing songwriter/singer. i quote a lot of his songs. he just sings about what's on people hearts, minds, souls...

a real singer. real lyrics. this song right there reminds me of my "long distance relationship". and i used to rock it all the time when i was about to see my chick. it's still one of my alarm clock songs. and i still listen to it often.

i know i sucked right at the end of this challenge, cause i got busy as hell. but eh. i finished. thanks to everyone who was checking for me. thanks for everyone her particpated. sunshinestar110 & starrla monae..i didn't forget y'all, gotta hit yall back up. luvlymskrissy..i also see you started up for the month of september. so i'm gonna check you out as well.

day #29 music challenge

day #29: a song from my childhood...

THE READING RAINBOW THEME SONG

ok..who remembers reading rainbow, the after school specials, smokey the bear, the little electricity bug that song about preserving power? this was what childhood songs were made of. not all of this, "Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle"., "we did it, we did it...".. don't care what anyone else says...the programing back then is totally shitting on the shit that's on now. 

day #28 music challenge

day#28: a song that makes me feel guilty

THE DREAM - "MR. YEAH"

it's hard to be a chick's Mr. Yeah. the dude who she always wants to come back to. the dude she realizes she was wrong for messing up with. and a while ago, my ex's dude called himself "calling me up" to ask me why my ex kept calling me. and it's like...dude if you're really checking her phone bill you should see she's calling me, not the other way around. and to be completely clear....even if i was calling her don't be a bitch and call me to threaten me to "stop". it's like deal with her. deal with the person you're really mad at. but i thought it was funny he was calling me from like pay phones and shit. so every time i got a weird number, i started playing, "Mr. Yeah"...

day#27 music challenge

day# 27 : music challenge

HERBIE HANCOCK


truth is, anything by herbie hancock. i can play just about everything, but some things you just listen to and be like "wow...".  herbie is one of those things.

day #26 music challenge

day #26: a song i can play on an instrument....

BEN E KING - "STAND BY ME"

not to sound cocky..but there isn't a song i can't play on an instrument. i've always been into music. always been a quick study. can play just about any instrument you give me. this was the first song i learned to play. i was messing around on my grandmother's piano. and i started hitting random keys. and the melody came so easily for me. that i literally started going from key to key...learning the sounds until i could just play the song. 

needless to say i played this song to death until my uncle gave me his guitar to "confuse me" and i quickly learned how to play it on the guitar. till this day i swear my parents, grandmother, uncles & aunts  probably cringe when they hear this song..lol

manfive friday #92

so...when y'all talk, you can hear *crickets* in the background.

you sit in silence, or he rushes you off the phone.

y'all are always arguing/disagreeing and you're really not saying anything at all.

how does the communication barrier go up? how do you go from finishing each others sentences. hanging on each others words. and knowing what to say & when to say it...

to getting on his last nerve?

manfive friday #92 topic of the week: how to talk to your man after the conversations get boring..

come on...we all know in the beginning, everything is easier. the words flow off his tongue like honey and you're addicted like a bee. and he's equally as smitten. then one day that telepathic connection is interrupted. you're talking, running your mouth..and he's holding his head in horror.. he hasn't heard a word you've said. and you've said a lot of them. 5 ways to rebuild the bridge of communication with your dude....

#5: don't talk to him like he's your home girl...

that 2 hour conversation about how your home girl is having this, that, & every issue with her man or other chick friend. yea....we LIVE for these type of conversations. nothing like listening to someone else's boring ass drama. yes..men gossip. yes men enjoy crazy stories that involve: sex, violence, and action. will he listen to you telling him about your chick friend catching her boyfriend soliciting trannies off of craiglist..yes. will he listen to a story about how nay-nay is mad tanisha charged her $75 for her new weave when she quoted her $64.32 on the phone?...no

your man is NOT your chick. he is your friend. and you can share things with him that interest you, but don't forget you're talking to a man. limit the "girl talk". limit the "women issues". limit the amount of "chatty cathyiness" that should be reserved for your chick friends. he doesn't care your nails polish chipped. or your 298 hairstyle of the night did not work out as planned. he's not really turned on about you talking about the new turtleneck you bought in 3 different colors. he doesn't watch rupaul drag race, nor will he even entertain your.."do you think (s)he is cute?". and when it comes to your period: blood clots, staining your pants, bed, or underwear are the last thing he wants to hear about...these are not topics of interest for him. at least they shouldn't be...eliminate the "girl" shit from your conversations and you'll see the difference in how he responds or "listens" to what you have to say.

#4: stop being predictable...

most men are no nonsense. meaning we can't take nonsense. we already THINK we know what you're going to say. but when we figure out, we KNOW what you're about to say it makes it even more painful to listen to you. i admit i'm guilty as hell of this. if i'm talking to my chick...and i know what she's going to say. or i know she's going to go on a random tangent in the wrong direction...i will interrupt the fuck out of her. it is rude. but wasting my time when shit i already know you're going to say is rude too. and i cannot for the life of me sit there and listen to something i ALREADY KNOW you're going to say. it's like watching a movie you already know you hate and thinking it's going to be different the next time, it's not.

if you call him at the same time everyday. go through the same series of events everyday. if you're day is one endless circle of the same shit over and over again...you're losing him. he is totally not interested in what you're saying. if you keep bringing up old shit. if you keep recycling old conversations. if you won't let dumb shit go...he's going to mentally let you go when it comes to talking. switch it up. add some excitement. don't be the broken record that he wants to throw out...


#3: talk about or ask about things that interest him..

 if you don't know things he likes to talk about...ask him. if you know things he likes, stop avoiding them. a fatal flaw in relationships is women thinking "i don't want/like to talk about this/that.." so they don't. i'm not saying go out of your comfort zone and engage in conversations that make you feel less than a person. i'm simply saying as much as you hate talking about something, weigh how important it is to him vs. how it makes you feel. if it's not that big of a deal, stop acting like it is. if you just wanna hear him talk...ask him about the car he's restoring. it's not like you're that interested in it, but it'll be something he's excited about. something he'll ramble on and on about. it will probably teach you something new about him. if you listen. the key is listening. and caring. you have to do both in order to successfully have a healthy conversation with him.

women mistake "silent" as, having nothing to say. and are surprised as hell when they find out he talks to his other friends forever and day.  a disadvantage of being a girlfriend over being a friend is..most of his friends like all the same shit as him. that's the reason they're friends. being his girlfriend, you kinda snuck in the friend door because he developed feelings for you. but the feelings for you, masked the differences that would have eliminated you from his "friend circle". meaning...he likes/loves you. so he deals with you not being interested in the same shit as him. but if you were just a friend he'd simply just not call, text, tweet, or chat with you as much.

#2: stop being judgmental...

if he can't tell you how he feels without you looking at him differently. if he is met with a argument every time he tells you what's on his mind. if you belittle him, his dreams, or wants. he's NOT going to talk to you. he might talk to you about non-serious things. but he'll stop letting you in.

it's hard to be impartial. especially when it's someone you love and you take their opinions personally. if he says he hates this or that. you can't help but wonder if he's talking about when you do this or that. if he says "no one understands me"...you can't help but group yourself in the "no one" category. it's hard to let some one's opinion be their opinion. it's much easier to want him to "don't talk, just listen". then to actually do that yourself. it's hard to just listen. to be sensitive to him being sensitive.

a lot of times a woman will grow tired of a man complaining about work. how upset he is with his life. what his friend did that upset him. yet...you'll whine about this, that, and everything else to him all day. but the second he does it, he needs to "man up". the crazy thing is...he'll find a friend to talk to who'll indulge him. why can he talk to them about all the things bothering him, but not you?..because they don't judge him or make him feel crazy for feeling the way he does.

#1: deconstruct & reconstruct...

to rebuild the bridge..you have to break down the barrier that's blocking you from crossing it. acknowledge there is a problem. figure out what can be done about it. then fix it. if you don't talk enough. if you don't talk about important/serious issues. if you can't make it through one conversation without cursing and yelling...figure out why. it's easier to give up then to try to solve the problem. if he is worth it. if the relationship is worth it, you owe it to yourself to try. if you two used to talk all the time, don't lose that. don't build up a wall, then act like it was always there.

it's natural for people to change in a relationship. for people to get too comfortable. for people to get offended or hurt. he might have forgot how happy it makes you that he calls just to say "hello". you may have forget his favorite "words" he loves to hear you say. the worst solution to bad communication, is no communication. stop thinking because you're having communication issues you aren't compatible. the same way you worked yourself to this point in your relationship, you can work yourself to a better place.

i read a subtweet that said.."don't try to reconstruct a broken building...". but the truth is, why destroy a building with a good foundation? yes, if it's new it'll be less complicated. but if you're able to rebuild. if you put the time & effort into making that broken building better. it'll be worth so much more than the new..less complicated building. you can be on  #teamglasshalffull or #teamglasshalfempty...

i'd choose #teamhalffull any day...negativity breeds failure.

day #25 music challenge...

day#25: a song that makes me laugh...

NICE GUYS- "NICE GUYS FINISH LAST"

this video completely sums up my thoughts about what women "want". it's actually not a bad song at all, it's funny, the visual are funny, and the "ROAR" is hilarious. it makes me laugh because it's funny, it also makes me laugh because as ridiculous as it sounds...it's true.

day #24 music challenge

day#24: a song i'd want played at my funeral...

JAMES BROWN - "I FEEL GOOD"

to be honest, i'm not with the sappy funeral songs. i'm not with funerals that much either. i don't want people to feel bad for me. i want them to know the suffering/pain/wait is over. and i'm in a better place. i'm also a bit comical..

so if i had to play a song. it would be something crazy like "I feel good",  "get up", or "i got soul"  by james brown. something that folks would hear and smile and think.."that dude is a fool...but i love & will miss him."

day # 23 music challenge

day #23: a song i want played at my wedding...

TEVIN CAMPBELL - "BROWN EYED GIRL"

now if i don't sing this to my chick. tevin campbell will. because believe it or not, he will be singing at my wedding. y'all think i'm joking. but i'm 100% serious. if y'all wanna see tevin campbell, rsvp to my wedding, cause he will be singing if not during the ceremony, at the reception. cause this is my dude. and the first time i heard this song, i said..this is what i want to sing to the woman i marry. i didn't get to sing it or play it the first time i got married (which is good cause it's tacky to do the same thing for different people), so i get another chance & i didn't spoil it on the wrong person. 

and so far all the chicks i've dated have been "brown eyed" so i've not have to worry about offending. and now that y'all have heard this song, DO NOT try to covet my song. DO NOT play this shit at your wedding. DO NOT try to book tevin campbell. this is my shit. i will sue.  

day #22 music challenge

day #22: a song that i listen to when i'm sad...

LENNY WILLIAMS - "CAUSE I LOVE YOU"

i know y'all are thinking, "NOT ANOTHER LOVE SONG"..i'm sorry. i'm a love song type dude. and this shit is that, sitting in dark w/ a glass of whiskey zoning out type of song. you don't even have to be sad over no relationship. it's just a "sitting in the dark w/ a glass of whiskey" song in general. 

and if you really understood how silly i was..i'd so ACT out this entire song for y'all with no shame. 

day #21 music challenge

day #21: a song i listen to while i'm happy..

CHRIS BROWN - "BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE"

this song for reason gets me all hyped. in fact it's the first song on my workout playlist. and it's mixed in there a few more times. just a real upbeat, happy song.

day #20 music challenge

day #20: a song i listen to when i'm angry....

LIL JON & THE EASTSIDE BOYS - "BIA BIA"

yanno how they say you pre-game by drinking before you go out? well before i get ready to crack some skulls. i pre-game w/ crunk music. it's like you can feel that energy through your bones. again...i'm from atl y'all please remember that. lol. 

anyway, if you hear this song from the distance. and you see a short dude with a wife beater, some shorts, a hat over his eyes...and a baseball bat. yeah that's me. better run. 

day # 19 music challenge

day #19: a song from one of my favorite albums...

LUTHER VANDROSS - "SO AMAZING"

i dare any of y'all to tell me you don't like luther. i don't care if you hate his face, you can't deny the voice. this man's vocals are insanely incredible. he's was a exceptional songwriter as well. i can't think of one of his albums that i don't own, enjoy, or  listen to like crazy. 

 [i wrote tons more, but blogger wanted to be an ass tonight and it erased my 3 attempts to post this]