manfive friday #94

you know how when you got cheated on, dumped, or stuck in a problem filled relationship and you call your best friend up to lean on. you tell her everything he did. everything he said. and she's there for you. wipes the tears. holds the flashlight as you slash his tires. calls the chick he's cheating with and pretends to be a telemarketer to get all her personal information so y'all can show up to her house and catch his ass creeping out.

that's your girl. that's your chick. she got your back no matter what, right? well what happens when he comes back begging to be with you again. he works that magic he does so well and makes you forget he just put you through hell these past few months. he makes you forget he cheated. he makes you accept his child with his side chick. he puts that "thang" back on you and you lose your mind to the point that you take him back like nothing happen. and you're chick is just standing there, arms crossed, side-eye rolling, still ready to fight his ass. even though you don't "hate you jody" she HATES him. ok, maybe not hate. but she remembers all the shit you said. all the shit he put you through. all the nights she listened to you complain, cry, get all depressed. and she's not as forgiving. so of course...your boyfriend now HATES her. and you stuck in the middle of course and are torn between him and her. well this manfive isn't for you, it's for you friend...

manfive friday #94: what to do when she wants you to mend the relationship with her loser boyfriend so all y'all can be friends again. (aka: so she doesn't have to choose between the two of you) And she's suddenly too unavailable to be your friend anymore...

#5: pull her friend card...


STOP, allowing her to call you friend when she's not acting like one. don't get all hurt. don't hold your tongue. jump jennifer hudson on her ass and be like, "where you at?...where you at?..." cause she must have bumped her head and forgot you yanked her ass out that pity parade. when you call her and she tells you she's too busy. or is spending time with her dude. remind her who wasn't too busy to spend time with her while he was off mistreating her. it's not about competing for time with her. it's not about her "choosing" you over him. it's about her being a real damn friend and being there for you when you NEED her. that shit is a two way street. tell her ass to round the block on that one way and head in your direction.


#4: like ms. sophia said, "Hell Nawl"...

first off, you already don't like him. 

second, he's not your boyfriend.

and thirdly,  if anyone should be mending fences, it should be him. 

don't let her make you feel bad because you don't like him. let me tell y'all something men know that women don't...."y'all don't have to be friends". ideally it'll be nice if you enjoy hanging with them. if you're their relationship cheerleader. if you're rooting on their love affair. but truthfully her being with him ain't got shit to do with you if she's still able to function as a true friend to you. if she wants to be with a loser, let her be with a loser. that being said. tell her, that you don't care he doesn't like you. you don't like him either. now that y'all got that straight, let's move on with our friendship.


#3: reality check time...

ok, 2 weeks ago she was Kelis "she hate him so much right now". today,  she's badu and he's the "love of her life". sometimes you got to remind her about the past shit she's trying to forget. not to influence her to break up. but to let her know why you feel the way you do about him. and why it's kinda fucked up she is now playing like she got amnesia. a real friend supports their friend, but they don't let them be a fool. you can stand by and watch her waste another 2 months, 3 years, or a lifetime chasing after that loser...but don't do that shit quietly. true, it's her loser. she loves him. who are you to say anything? you're her best fucking friend..that's who you are. and the way you let her know is by showing her how crazy she's acting.

her: Tyler thinks you should apologize to him..
you: wait..apologize for him cheating on you, or for him taking your car to pick up his side hoe?
her: damn, that's kinda rude
you: so is you asking me to apologize to him.


don't let her ask you, instead of asking him to make amends. she should be telling him that you're just being a friend. that you still are upset with him about what he did and he should try to be considerate to the fact that she wants to have a relationship with both of you. what is straining the relationship isn't you or him. it's the fact that she's trying to appease one or both of you. and depending on which side she's leaning to more, one of you are going to feel like she's "choosing" the other. so you let her know how you feel. you let her know that you still expect her to be the friend you've been to her. and then you try to be as courteous as you can around him. but again...you don't have to be his friend. there are tons of ppl who haven't fucked up with their girlfriend/boyfriend and their girlfriend/boyfriend's best friend HATES them. the reality of your friendship now with her is..she's with him. you have to deal with that. she's your friend, he has to deal with that. you have to put that responsibility on her to make things right. it's NOT your responsibility to make him like you, just because you still hold him responsible for the things he did to your friend.


#2:just wait, he'll fuck up in 3..2..1...

it's bound the happen, and probably sooner than you think. you know why? because she is dealing with a loser. he'll fuck up again. and she'll be back...boo hooing in your ear about all the shit she can't believe he did, again. that's the things with friends, they may forget all the shit you've done for them..but they'll eventually need you again. that's what happens when you depend on someone. and as sure as she is working on trusting him this week. it'll be something next month that she needs you for. not to mention if she's been distant, and no longer has you there to fall back on. she'll turn around and see when he's gone, there is no one else there. and sometimes people need to deal with a situation themselves to really understand how crazy it is. you being that shoulder to lean on. trying not to be judgmental. giving her that false sense of "if you really love him, maybe it can work". she'll run out of disillusion quick fast and in a hurry. and she'll be like a pound puppy at your doorstep. trusting that you'll continue being the friend you've always been. hoping that no matter how she's treated you, you'll be the bigger person and be there for her. if you want your friend back, leave her on her own for a little bit. you never realize how much someone does for you, until they're no longer doing it. if you know the guy isn't good for her, but she wants to be with him. wash your hands of the situation, and wait.

#1: time to let her go...

this is the hardest thing to do. if you've been friends with someone. supported, loved, been through all the ups & downs. it almost feels like a betrayal not to be their friend anymore. you feel bad. you miss the friendship. you feel like you're losing so much, over someone so stupid. best friends allow you "fuck ups". they allow you "do overs". they allow you to make "stupid mistakes". and they will forgive you when they know in your heart you're sorry. but they don't have to be nor should they be on the losing end of a friendship. truth is, ladies. at some point you have to let her go. if she can't be your friend & be with him at the same time. if she chooses to let him control the friendship she has with you. if you are tired of going the extra mile for someone who won't even walk in place for you. cut the strings. go find someone you can depend on. someone who is not going to use you when they're alone, and forget you when they have someone. that's not a real friendship. it's true...sometimes people are blinded by love. but at some point they have to open their eyes and see how important you are in their life.  and if that's the case y'all will find a way to be friends again.


*manfive question courtesy of Rells. thanks for the comments, thanks for the question.