Wednesday, April 7, 2010

ask me. . .

ok, ok. i was googling images for "ask me" and this came up and i couldn't resist. don't ask me about my "weiner", tho.

believe it or not, yesterday 4 different people hit me up asking for my advice. and usually when people ask me something i try to turn it into a manfive. this particular question didn't seem like a manfive, but it did seem like a commonly asked question i get from time to time. so i thought i'd share this one with the (blog) class today.

if anyone else wants to ask me a question or wants me to start sharing my community advice with the class let me know.


Q. from reading your blog, it seems like you're a pretty nice guy. i love your opinions and views, but i must admit i would never date a guy like you. nice guys are wonderful don't get me wrong, but i'm a very aggressive woman. and nice guys aren't able to handle me. it would be perfect if i could find a man in between "nice" & "bad", but since i can't i am forced to date either guys who give in to easily or guys who do me wrong. how can you make a nice guy tougher and/or a bad guy nicer?

A. i feel like somehow someway i should be offended. lol, but i'm not. i understand where you're coming from. honestly it sounds like to me, that you can't handle a "nice guy". nice guys are characterized as "push overs". because we give in to you ladies. at the same time "bad boys" are characterized as "strong". because they don't give in. and unbelievably you women would rather have the "strong" yet uncaring over the "push overs" because you deem that as weak. meaning, "i don't want a man i can push around because then anyone can push him around". and shit that's not a bad point.

but being nice doesn't make you weak. giving in to your woman doesn't mean you bend for your women or for everybody else. being on this side of the fence, i think it's absolutely stupid for women to date men they know won't treat them right. i don't care what your stance on it is. i think you get what you get. you complain the man isn't worth shit, yet that's the type of man you constantly pick. it becomes your fault after you figure out your own pattern. how can you make a nice guy tougher? stop treating him bad for treating you good. here are the common problems women have with "good guys":

example #1: he won't take control in the relationship.

most times he's given you control because he's realized that's what you want in the relationship.

some women want to be in control. they don't want to relinquish it to you. and in most everyday instances, it's not a big deal. i don't care if you want to plan all of our vacations, trips, outings. i don't care if you want to arrange my glasses by size on the shelf. i don't care if you want to unfold all my underwear and fold them a certain way. that shit does NOT matter to me. so therefore when it comes to that....it's all you baby. trust me, when it comes to shit i feel like you shouldn't be in control of...i'll step up. but if i let you have control because "you need it" then don't mistake my kindness for weakness.

fix the problem: stop being a control freak. don't go to him like he's a punk for not stepping up when you're always jumping in front of him to do shit. stop being the one who speaks up first and you'd be surprise that maybe he would make a decision or choice.


good guy example #2: he won't stand up for himself:

most people stand up for themselves unless they feel intimidated or they feel like it's a losing battle. most women hate the "intimidated" aspect. yall feel a "nice guy" will let you do whatever. but the truth is, most times he'll let you do what he can handle before he snaps on you. maybe you're with a guy who has a high tolerance for bitches. and maybe you have not reached his "snapping level" as nice as you may think i am...i actually have a very low tolerance for bitchieness. but i admit i tend to deal with bullshit that the average man would be like, "fuck you with a rake full of leaves". you are treating me this way, because i am LETTING you treat me this way. i only bite my tongue when i think the situation and/or you're not worth it. so if you think you're making me your bitch, it's because you're just a bitch and you need a hug & a midol. and i'm probably nice enough to give you both and a heating pad.

fix the problem: stop being a bitch. stop testing a man. if he loves you, he'll let you talk to him in ways you shouldn't sometimes. the same way you'll allow a dude you love to cheat, lie, or talk down to you. it's something that can't happen all the time, but occasionally you'll deal with it. and nice guys will deal with this shit from you until you get out of hand. but usually that's the point where they are breaking up with you rather than trying to discuss shit.
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onto the bad guys..i have to admit i don't have much for you on this because i'm a nice guy. i hang with mostly nice guys. i have some dudes who'll switch a chick up every night, but none that really be on that disrespectful shit (although i suppose switching them up to some of yall might be disrespectful). don't really know how to advise you to be with a bad guy because to me it makes no sense. but here are the common problems women have with "bad guys":

bad guy example #1: he's talk to you any kind of way..


if someone calls you a bitch and you answer..guess what your new name is? bitch. if a man tells you, you aren't shit..and stay with him. all you're doing is agreeing with his statement.

fix the problem: stop letting dudes treat you out of pocket. ladies you can fall out a window and fall on 3 guys that will want you. stop acting like this one dude is the only dude in the world. stop letting him treat you anyway he wants like he's the only golden dick dude in the world. he call you a bitch, don't talk to his ass again until he apologize. if he's into you, he'll eventually do it. if he's not..what are you really missing out on?

bad guy example #2: he's on that uncaring shit..

you love everything about him, except he just doesn't care. you say you have a problem. he don't care. you say you're stressed, rents due, car is broke, kids are hungry...and he's looking you dead in the face no emotion or nothing. you have a problem with him, he's at his boys house talking about you to them while you're still on the phone.

fix the problem: it's hard to make someone care unless it affects them. you have to get him invested in you, your relationship, & what's going on. not caring is a defense mechanism, it's a way of avoiding. if he doesn't speak on it, then it's not happening. if he acts like it doesn't matter then guess what, it won't matter. if you allow him to act that way, guess what he'll continue.

overall summary (the point): it's disheartening that you'd even want a "bad guy". a person you're trying to be with shouldn't have a negative connotation before his description. saying you want a bad guy, because a good guy is too nice is well....saying you want rotten eggs instead of them scrambled with cheese. my advice to you is to stop focusing so much on what you consider "good" & "bad" and find a man who is "right". find one who'll treat you nice & is up to your speed. there are guys who will open your car door, throw you around in the bed, and handle business when you need them too. stop confusing nice for weak. and start seeing bad as bad.

everyone is welcome to comment and leave their opinion/advice.

8 comments:

Epitome said...

Okay...so first off, the person who asked that question is really rude...maybe you deal with guys who are "bad" because you aren't very tactful...no shade but for real ma, that could have been worded ALOT better.

Now as far as the content of the blog...I agree 1000000%. I actually am looking for a nice guy because I want the house, the 2.5 kids, the picket fence...you don't get that with bad boys. Bad boys were fun when I was in high school, when I thought I had nothing to lose, but now...no thanks, I want to build a future, not get stuck on a dead end.

sushiela said...

i agree with all of this post...especially people taking kindness or agreeability for weakness...it's funny because in your lingo i think would fall under "selfish" but i'm definitely a "nice girl". not a "good girl" necessarily (you know i'm not the type to wait too long before getting to the goods) but i'm nice. not dumb nice like letting you use my name to take out lines of credit but...if you wanna talk, i'll talk. you have an unfortunate event and need a ride somewhere, i'll give you one. i will pay for a date, if we are chillin w/your family they will probably love me after the 1st time meeting me, i don't like to argue about shit, especially not stupid shit...
not because i'm weak...not because i'm afraid to lose you...i just don't care about a lot...i know no one is perfect so as long as i feel like you are treating me respectfully & our relationship could have a genuine future...i try to make the experience positive.
it annoys me that people take niceness for granted...& then get all surprised to find out i'm not a pushover.

i think people get caught up in labels...this good guy vs. bad guy thing is a mindfuck. a guy who always only agrees with you is not a "good guy"...that is weak. nothing is good about a guy who is so desperate to hold onto someone that he never asserts himself.

on the contrary, nothing is 'strong' about a guy who acts like he's in a relationship with you 40-70% of the time but refuses to put in effort or show any type of genuine concern for you.

those labels are confusing b/c yeah it's good if a guy is dedicated to you, affectionate, agrees with you, likes to be around you...but it's not good if he has to be around 24/7, or is manipulative with emotional theatrics or jealous, insecure, etc...

and if a dude is coming at you like look i like you but i'm tryna do me, i'm not gon call you every day, i'm not really affectionate...that doesn't make him a bad guy, just makes him not boyfriend material...but if you not lookin to be cuffed up...that would be more attractive to you than the dude hoping the next woman he sees is his soulmate.

Freckles said...

Very well said sir. I can truly say that I can appreciate a nice guy. He seems to have all the good conversation. He makes good eye contact and sincerely cares for what is being said. He is not confrontational and prefers not to argue. He likes to have a good time. He knows his role as man and I know my role as woman. To be honest, sometimes Mr. Nice Guy is not as sexually attractive but he sure does pay attention. Sometimes, women get caught out of their roles and do not allow themselves to truly be treated like a lady. Not too mention self esteem should not a luxury. That bad guy is not with you for that anyway.

Kudos on this great post and prayer for the woman that questioned and all others like her.

Epiphany said...

I agree with Epitome about the female who asked that question - she definitely could've worded it different. This is a good post. I learned from it actually lol. Thanks.

luvlymskrissy said...

Sushielasushielas comment is on point like a mufucca! Lol I would like to add tho that I really hate that nice guys have to be someone to settle for when broads get tired of bad boys. Like bad boys are for havin fun with but nice guys are for havin a family when ur done popppin ur cooch in the club? Smh. That shit irks me to no end.

And what's relateable is that nice girls get dealt the exact same hand as nice guys. Like why do we have to be bitches or have to argue or have to do any of that crap to maintain a relationship. Dudes will leave a nice girl for a bitch and them try and win the nice one back when being with the bitch gets too hectic. Nice people are not runner up.

I've always only dated nice guys. I love em. Don't need the bs in my life and I always want men who are just as low key as I am. Let's chill together and have a pleasant relationship with minimal hiccups.

Beyond Danielle said...

I don't understand how woman want to have aggression in a relationship... Ladies there is nothing like a nice guy, do you understand compromise. Most bad guys don't compromise, don't help around the house, don't care about your needs, and pretty much don't care about you. As opposed to a nice guy who might go out of his way to make sure your happy. To me there is no comparison. Bad guys kick rocks

sunshinestar110 said...

I agree with Epitome about the person who wrote you it explain so much about her..
The bad boy thing is not how you should see your future. it comes a time in your life when you grow up and get yourself a man who can respect you and himself. How long are u going to chase the thrill of an "bad" guy....and I salute u because i couldn't have said all that u wrote better myself.

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@epitome: you just coming all up on here calling folks rude. lol. i'm glad you agree & see the error of your ways. bad guys aren't good at any stage, they just are road bumps to good guys, because you learn what a man shouldn't be from them.

@sushiela: yanno it took me a minute to figure out this was you ice machine. lol. thanks for you comment, you always hit me up with some good shit. i agree with what you're saying too.

@freckles: thanks. i hate that being a bad ass is sexually attractive to women. i get in this argument with chicks all the time. why it's so much easier for a guy who has "attitude swagger" to get at you then a guy who does everything to treat you right. nice guys gets grouped as friends. bad dudes get the panties the first night. wtf is wrong with that shit...

@epiphany: thanks, i'm glad you got something from it.

@luvlymskrissy: sushiela is always on point even when i don't agree with her. lol. i agree nice women get treated the same way. nice people should not be runners up. we should not get treated worse because we treat you better. i'm glad you know that "nice guys" is where it's at..

@beyond danielle: tell them to kick them rocks. lol and off topic..i'm mad you really got rid of your twitter. come back to twitter. before i twitter reincarnate you. lol.

@sunshinestar110: yall really gonna go after this chick huh? lol. my blog bodyguards and what not. i agree the chase of the thrill is what does it. but once you've caught it you realize there isn't anything there. thank you, once again for your comment and your blog gangsta