believe it or not, yesterday 4 different people hit me up asking for my advice. and usually when people ask me something i try to turn it into a manfive. this particular question didn't seem like a manfive, but it did seem like a commonly asked question i get from time to time. so i thought i'd share this one with the (blog) class today.
if anyone else wants to ask me a question or wants me to start sharing my community advice with the class let me know.
Q. from reading your blog, it seems like you're a pretty nice guy. i love your opinions and views, but i must admit i would never date a guy like you. nice guys are wonderful don't get me wrong, but i'm a very aggressive woman. and nice guys aren't able to handle me. it would be perfect if i could find a man in between "nice" & "bad", but since i can't i am forced to date either guys who give in to easily or guys who do me wrong. how can you make a nice guy tougher and/or a bad guy nicer?
A. i feel like somehow someway i should be offended. lol, but i'm not. i understand where you're coming from. honestly it sounds like to me, that you can't handle a "nice guy". nice guys are characterized as "push overs". because we give in to you ladies. at the same time "bad boys" are characterized as "strong". because they don't give in. and unbelievably you women would rather have the "strong" yet uncaring over the "push overs" because you deem that as weak. meaning, "i don't want a man i can push around because then anyone can push him around". and shit that's not a bad point.
but being nice doesn't make you weak. giving in to your woman doesn't mean you bend for your women or for everybody else. being on this side of the fence, i think it's absolutely stupid for women to date men they know won't treat them right. i don't care what your stance on it is. i think you get what you get. you complain the man isn't worth shit, yet that's the type of man you constantly pick. it becomes your fault after you figure out your own pattern. how can you make a nice guy tougher? stop treating him bad for treating you good. here are the common problems women have with "good guys":
example #1: he won't take control in the relationship.
most times he's given you control because he's realized that's what you want in the relationship.
some women want to be in control. they don't want to relinquish it to you. and in most everyday instances, it's not a big deal. i don't care if you want to plan all of our vacations, trips, outings. i don't care if you want to arrange my glasses by size on the shelf. i don't care if you want to unfold all my underwear and fold them a certain way. that shit does NOT matter to me. so therefore when it comes to that....it's all you baby. trust me, when it comes to shit i feel like you shouldn't be in control of...i'll step up. but if i let you have control because "you need it" then don't mistake my kindness for weakness.
fix the problem: stop being a control freak. don't go to him like he's a punk for not stepping up when you're always jumping in front of him to do shit. stop being the one who speaks up first and you'd be surprise that maybe he would make a decision or choice.
good guy example #2: he won't stand up for himself:
most people stand up for themselves unless they feel intimidated or they feel like it's a losing battle. most women hate the "intimidated" aspect. yall feel a "nice guy" will let you do whatever. but the truth is, most times he'll let you do what he can handle before he snaps on you. maybe you're with a guy who has a high tolerance for bitches. and maybe you have not reached his "snapping level" as nice as you may think i am...i actually have a very low tolerance for bitchieness. but i admit i tend to deal with bullshit that the average man would be like, "fuck you with a rake full of leaves". you are treating me this way, because i am LETTING you treat me this way. i only bite my tongue when i think the situation and/or you're not worth it. so if you think you're making me your bitch, it's because you're just a bitch and you need a hug & a midol. and i'm probably nice enough to give you both and a heating pad.
fix the problem: stop being a bitch. stop testing a man. if he loves you, he'll let you talk to him in ways you shouldn't sometimes. the same way you'll allow a dude you love to cheat, lie, or talk down to you. it's something that can't happen all the time, but occasionally you'll deal with it. and nice guys will deal with this shit from you until you get out of hand. but usually that's the point where they are breaking up with you rather than trying to discuss shit.
________________________________onto the bad guys..i have to admit i don't have much for you on this because i'm a nice guy. i hang with mostly nice guys. i have some dudes who'll switch a chick up every night, but none that really be on that disrespectful shit (although i suppose switching them up to some of yall might be disrespectful). don't really know how to advise you to be with a bad guy because to me it makes no sense. but here are the common problems women have with "bad guys":
bad guy example #1: he's talk to you any kind of way..
if someone calls you a bitch and you answer..guess what your new name is? bitch. if a man tells you, you aren't shit..and stay with him. all you're doing is agreeing with his statement.
fix the problem: stop letting dudes treat you out of pocket. ladies you can fall out a window and fall on 3 guys that will want you. stop acting like this one dude is the only dude in the world. stop letting him treat you anyway he wants like he's the only golden dick dude in the world. he call you a bitch, don't talk to his ass again until he apologize. if he's into you, he'll eventually do it. if he's not..what are you really missing out on?
bad guy example #2: he's on that uncaring shit..
you love everything about him, except he just doesn't care. you say you have a problem. he don't care. you say you're stressed, rents due, car is broke, kids are hungry...and he's looking you dead in the face no emotion or nothing. you have a problem with him, he's at his boys house talking about you to them while you're still on the phone.
fix the problem: it's hard to make someone care unless it affects them. you have to get him invested in you, your relationship, & what's going on. not caring is a defense mechanism, it's a way of avoiding. if he doesn't speak on it, then it's not happening. if he acts like it doesn't matter then guess what, it won't matter. if you allow him to act that way, guess what he'll continue.
overall summary (the point): it's disheartening that you'd even want a "bad guy". a person you're trying to be with shouldn't have a negative connotation before his description. saying you want a bad guy, because a good guy is too nice is well....saying you want rotten eggs instead of them scrambled with cheese. my advice to you is to stop focusing so much on what you consider "good" & "bad" and find a man who is "right". find one who'll treat you nice & is up to your speed. there are guys who will open your car door, throw you around in the bed, and handle business when you need them too. stop confusing nice for weak. and start seeing bad as bad.
everyone is welcome to comment and leave their opinion/advice.