this week's manfive friday topic of the week: what does she have that i don't have?
i've heard this questioned asked all the time. whether through a casual conversation, friends gathering, twitter, myspace, whatever..women always want to know.."what does she have that i don't", "why did he choose her, and not me?" , "what can she give him that i can't.." i'm going to attempt to give you ladies a few reasons why your man defects and chooses the next chick or even makes that u-turn and goes back to the old chick. ever been stuck in any of these scenarios?
scenario #1: he leaves you for a chick, you're obviously better than..
you're an educated chick. been to school. got your own shit. you get into a relationship with a guy. you may be supporting this guy financially, doing everything for him.then one day and he leaves you for a weed head stripper chick with 4 baby daddies & 5 kids.
why did he do that?:
maybe he's insecure in the relationship. maybe the fact that you took care of him makes him feel like less of a man. that is no fault of yours. but maybe he wants a woman he can feel like he's taking care of (even though he's not)..but at least she won't make him feel like she's taking care of him. or that she's better than him. a lot of times guys will get with a woman the complete opposite of you because they are intimidated by you and what you stand for. and they use a more inferior person to make themselves feel better.
scenario #2: he leaves you after you've put in years of your time & emotions...
you've been with this guy since you were 19. yall were meant for each other. yall talked about your future, you went through the motions. you've fussed, fought, loved, endured all the good & bad times. then one day he tells you he feels like he's missing out on life.
why did he do that?:
maybe it got too serious. it got too much for him. it was like a narrow small corridor closing on him. because it was evident what the next step was and he just wasn't ready. but after being with you for so long, the only excuse he could think of was.."i'm missing out on life". that translates to, "i'm not sure what life has in store for me, and i'm scared if i choose to be with you i might regret it.." don't get mad, he really is doing you a favor. because this is the guy who'll live with you for 8 years before trying to marry you. he's also the guy who'll break up to make up with you for most of your young life till you get tired of him & his indecisiveness.
scenario #3: he cheats on you, when you're doing everything cept wiping his ass...
you're married/are with the man of your dreams. yall live together, got kids, share everything. you do everything he ask. you cook, clean, try to be his ideal woman. yall don't even fight all the time. everything seems perfect, fine, good..and one day you find a number in his pocket and find out he's cheating on you.
why did he do that?
yall know my feelings about cheating. my gut opinion is, because he's selfish. he was looking for something to fulfill something that was missing in him. it wasn't you, it wasn't the kids, no matter how much he complained about being stressed, his job..whatever. cheating is done for personal reasons. it's a decision that is made, so it's not a mistake. no matter how much they apologize. it's only a mistake after the fact because of what they will/can lose. and yes they can feel bad or care about your feelings after they do it. but when they we're doing it, it was what they chose and wanted to do.
the point of these scenarios are...in every one of them. the fault isn't on you. i think the biggest misconception is, it's your fault. it's something you could have done different. not saying you don't contribute to the frustration. not saying you don't push him over the edge too. just saying that when dealing with adults, we all must take responsibility for our actions. we all must respect other people's time, feelings, and their hearts.
here are five reasons why your man may choose to leave you for another woman...
reason #5: he's selfish. . .
simplest answer, he's just selfish.a lot of times, it's not about you. he wants what he wants, when he wants. he's gonna mistreat you. he's gonna have "friends". he's gonna cheat. all in the name of ego. he's gonna blame you for all the "bad shit" in his life. he's not gonna see any of the good shit you do. and if he does, it's not...nor will it ever be good enough for him. there are no second, third, forth chances..if you fuck up once that's it. in fact, you don't even have to fuck up. if he feels like dipping, he will. you know why? because you don't matter. hate to be blunt, but you don't. only thing that matters to him is him & his happiness. if you don't fit into that, you don't fit into his life. sorry
reason#4: he's confused about what he wants. . .
again, it may not be you. him being confused can contribute to #5..him being selfish. but at the same time..being confused and selfish differ greatly. him hurting you, making decisions that don't include you, or him wanting to be free are unintentional things. a guy can care about you and hurt you. he can love you & want to do right by you and just make the wrong choices. men aren't as sure as we pretend to be. there are plenty of relationship "how to's" out there, but there is no manual detailed enough to successfully guide you through a relationship. it's something you have to experience. it's something you have to grow into and be ready for. if you're with a young guy...i'ma say under 28. not to say this is every dude. not to say there is no mature men under 28. i'm just using that as a personal marker. the point i'm trying to make is this...you got to understand he's at the point of his life where he doesn't know what he wants. he's still trying to figure himself out. he's still trying to find his own way .his own direction. his time, really isn't focused on yours. he doesn't know if he wants to be cuffed. he doesn't know if he wants to be single. he doesn't know if you are the one. he's not even in the mind set. he's on his hustle. on his grind. finding himself. i used to say, "i'm on my grind..." all the time. till i got older and then i started saying, "fuck the grind, i've made it...and i want everything that comes with it ". meaning once i stopped thinking that me reaching my goal was the end all to my life. i started wanting more. the "grind" was just me working to the point i wanted. once i got to that point, the things i wanted changed. the things that were important, changed. the things i focused on, changed. you have to give a guy time to reach that. not saying you put your shit on the back burner. just giving you a reason why he may step back, away, or move forward without you.
reason#3: she just gives him (does) something you don't. . .
we've all heard the..."if you don't do it..he'll find someone who will". and that shit is true. no one has the monopoly on the "good stuff" in a relationship. you can't assume that you're doing everything right. you can't assume you're giving him everything he needs. and most importantly you can't assume he's happy or will stay if you're not giving it to him. and i'm not just talking about sexually. a lot of times, women assume that's all we're about. when i say, "she's giving him something you don't.." i could mean time. i could mean support. i could mean understanding. i could mean blow jobs. whatever it is he's looking for...that he's complaining to you about. yea that. don't get me wrong, i'm not telling you to give in and do EVERYTHING dude wants. i'm not saying bend over backwards. i'm not saying go against your personal preferences, judgement, or do things you just don't feel comfortable doing. what i'm saying is...sometimes men leave and get with the next chick because she's willing to do the things you don't...she's may not be tired of his bullshit. so she'll listen to him complain. she may think he's interesting or smart, when you know he's only read one book in his life and just quotes the same shit over and over again. she may like to watch sports. play video games. have sex like a rabbit. it's attractive to be attractive. she is capturing his attention because she's giving him the attention he wants with none of the backtalk. give her a month of dealing with him & she'll be complaining about the same shit. but right now shit is great. and this is the "period" where he gets sucked into that shit and loses his mind and loses something great for something aiight.
reason#2: they share a history. . .
if your dude has been in a serious relationship before. if he has kids, been married, yada yada yada..it's a scary situation. i'm divorced with a child. the biggest thing i find when it comes to dating is: women being "eh..." about my situation. not so much because they don't like i was married or have a child. but moreso because that's baggage. especially with a child. there is always gonna be another party in your relationship (unless they die..lol). and that's a uncomfortable situation sometimes. not to mention when a guy has been in "love" his view of relationships are skewed. everything is, "my ex..did this..my ex didn't do this..i want my woman to do this.." it's not the same, "freestyle dating" as it is when a dude who's fresh on the relationship scene.
so a lot of times, women don't understand why men make that u-turn and go back to their ex. in my opinion it's a safe zone. just like an episode of maury, it starts off going to visit your kids at your baby mama's house and ends with, "you are the father"..to a brand new baby. all the while your current chick is going hard for you screaming and acting a fool saying she KNOW you ain't the father and she believes that was powder from a powder doughnut on your underwear. all jokes aside, if you were in a relationship with someone and it was serious you shared a lot with them. they knew you, they knew the things you liked & didn't. you got accustom to them and it was comfortable. and it's hard to get into a new relationship and get that same feeling. truth is you really should never have the same feeling with a different person. that's where people fuck up. you can't recreate a relationship with someone else. you also can't mend something that is broken beyond repair. a lot of men don't realize that they should leave that shit alone. and just like you women, they go back to a bad situation. unfortunately, if you've got caught in the crossfire of their indecisiveness you get met with this bullshit. not saying men are going to go back to an ex or sleep with an ex. just giving you a reason why they may make that u-turn. bottom line is if you can't trust the guy you're with or he's not trustworthy...DON'T BE WITH HIM. don't think he's gonna cheat just because he shares a child or history with someone. there are men who are going to cheat and there are men who won't. don't assume because he's always mentioning some shit, it's because he misses it. a lot of times it's just how he measures shit. like a measuring stick..."my ex used to do this: ............ this is what you do: ......". no it's not cool (i'm guilty of doing this sometimes), it's not intentional, it just happens. almost like when yall say, "none of my other boyfriends complained about how i do..."
reason#1: you're just too much for him, right now. . .
let's face it. sometimes you're just too good for someone. and they will continue to fuck up because the can't keep up. you may be ready for the whole shebang and he's still on those baby steps on a relationship. women are fighters. yall like to battle through some shit to get to what you want. and men retreat. seriously. if it gets too rough. gets too hot in the kitchen. if it's moving too fast we start backing away. finding reasons to leave. be it cheating, be it lying, be it being honest and walking away..whatever. but we refuse to be in a situation where we are drowning. now i'm speaking generally of course. i don't speak for every man. i'm just saying that a lot of times it's just too much. if we're in that selfish shit, confused, neglected, or living in the past (#2-5)..then it overwhelms us. relationships overwhelm us. it's not you, it's us. and sometimes you'll get with someone, invest feelings, time & energy into something that they aren't built for. they can't go the long haul with you. it's not in them. not saying, it won't ever be. just saying at this moment with you...it's not going to happen. don't waste your life. once you see them pulling the release cord on the life boat...sail on. there will be a bigger, better boat waiting to scoop you up.