Friday, April 9, 2010

manfive friday #38

we've all reached this point in dating/relationships where it's time to sit down and go over "our" rules. everyone is different: every man, every woman. so approaching a new situation there should be a new set of rules. when is the right time, when is the wrong time to set these rules?

manfive friday #38 topic of the week (courtesy of sunshinestar110): how to/not to set ground rules with your man. and why he constantly tries to break these rules

a couple of sure fire ways to make a man mad...tell him what he can't do. sure fire way to making your life easier...tell him what he can do. not saying either will be easy. but it's something that needs to be done in order to preserve sanity, clarity, & order in your relationship. so...where do you start? 5 ways to set up ground rules with your man:

#5: be realistic (be fair):

a man will respect rules that make sense & that seem fair. however when your rules start getting too custom made, picky, & off the wall...that's when he'll move on or start breaking them.

examples of unrealistic rules:

" i want to wait 15 months & 12 full moons before we have sex..."

ok you just got out of a relationship, that was moving too fast. things were great, expectations high, and things just started shattering after all because he wasn't the one. you found out after you basically was living with him, sleeping with him, committing to him, etc. so the start of your next relationship you want to move slower. so you tell the next guy you want to wait 17 months & 9 full moons before you have sex. ok. yes, the right guy will wait. but wtf? just because you moved fast with the last guy doesn't beget that having sex with the new guy will send you on a speedway race ride to failure. don't punish the next guy for the previous guys mistakes. if you want to be a joan and have a 3 month rule fine. if you want to go the mother theresa route and wait till your married or seriously involved fine. but chicks with long waiting intervals that are random should be locked in a footlocker for that amount of time and see how crazy that makes them.

" yes, the thighs have been open 24/7 365 till i met you, now i want to act like a nun, so you'll respect me..."

with anything you have to be fair. it's okay to adjust your personal preferences but if he's a good guy, why are you making him jump through hoops to get some. when you're hot sex on a platter for the dude that only call you after 1:03 am? trust me you're not gonna get anymore respect if he knows you have a revolving door for other guys but you're making him wait. he'll just look at you like, "she making me wait but she'll give it up to these other dudes don't earn it...that's some bullshit." and trust, women always tell on themselves. you can't help it. you'll be talking and you'll say something about a ex boyfriend. or dude could have been your friend previously and he remembers all the stories you told him. he's thinking he about to get super freak and now you're mary poppins who ain't popping nothing but popcorn for movie night.

" i won't introduce you to my parents, until we're about to get engaged..."

if you've never brought a dude home to meet your parents but you've had 10 lunch dates with his wrong for that. don't tell me i'm not gonna meet your parents till we get engaged then ask me when you're gonna meet my son, parents, & friends. women are in a habit of keeping parts of their lives off limits but expect to be all up in ours. you have the right to be selective, but you also have to be fair. if you want to be included in my life, include me in yours.

#4: renegotiating the rules & making exceptions... had a talk with this guy when yall first started dating. no catching feelings. this is just sex. he can't spend the night. he can't kiss you, just flip you, dip in, dip out..and be out. but yall have been doing this for 4 months. and now he's hanging around. his ass wants to cuddle. he calling you his girl. he wants to date. or heaven forbid, you start catching feelings. and he's still dipping out afterward. you knock your back out real good, you hear the shower, & you wake up horizontally legs hanging off the side of the bed alone. somethings gotta change right?

it's time to renegotiate your agreement. either he needs to understand he's just your supplement doctor (providing that vitamin "d"). or you need him to know you're trying to make him your specialist giving you life and shit. it's okay to go back over those rules and make some exceptions, exclusions, or just rewrite that bitch completely. don't hold on to the same rules if shit has changed.

exceptions to the rules:

- he's on that 3 month rule shit, he's behaving. and you get that his ass up. he will not think less of you for breaking your own (stupid) rule.

- he started off as your maintenance man, but he started taking interest in your kids and coming around more...maybe he can start parking his truck in your driveway instead of around the corner

- you tell him you have a 1 month rule, yall go on 2 dates & he calls you at the end of the month to go out. you told him a month. literally..after month has gone by, you turn into judge hatchett and tell him those 30-31 days are to be served straight, ain't no time off for good/bad behavior. he can't skip 28 of them and think he getting ass on the 30th.

-usually i'm a hoe, but last night i slipped on my tub..bumped my head..died resuscitated.. then found Jesus and now i want to wait a few days. get right, just to make sure i'm not gonna die before i have sex again.

there are always exceptions & room for negotiating a rule. after you've been fair...there is always a way to make it better. you may make him wait 3 months, but while he's waiting you're doing other things that may make it easier for him to wait. men appreciate compromise when they see some on your part. yea, he can't "get it in", but you make sure he's taken care of in the meantime. maybe meeting your parents is a big instead of making him wait till yall are on you're third child let him meet your mom after you take that first ept test. small steps ladies, small steps.

#3: enforce the rules...

okay, i said you can make exceptions. like getting that itch and scratching it, rather letting someone scratch it for you. but if you really are determined to keep things platonic. if you are really determined to keep the fuck buddy, just a buddy. if you really want to wait 3 months, 1 year. if you really don't want dude meeting your people until you make sure he's going to be the one. then you have to enforce your rules. don't bend (literally & physically). once you bend your rules go to the "renegotiation and exceptions" category. meaning, if you don't catch them fast...that rule is about to be null & void.

#2: make sure he understands & agrees

you ladies have a tendency to say something and assumed we listened to you. or say something and mean something but we take it completely different. if you have ground rules for dating you. like this shit is set in stone. you like to be courted. you like for doors to be opened. you like for him to call you everyday. you like for him to spend time. you like for him to cuddle. whatever it is you want to make sure he does..make sure he knows he's supposed to do it. make sure he agrees to wait for sex. make sure he agrees not to show up at your job calling you "nek nek" when everyone knows you by your government name. this is shit that may seem pretty straight forward to you. but trust, these signals do/can get crossed. make sure the rules are discussed & agreed upon by both parties.

#1: never. i mean ever. i mean never ever. ever. ever. make rules while he's preoccupied...

you ladies are slick. yall know we are the most agreeable, vulnerable, and downright stupid. if we are trying to get some, it don't matter what the fuck you're saying we are agreeing. you might be all up on us say, "yea, you want this don't you?..." we be like, "yeaaaa". then you hit us with, "it feel good don't it?"..we be like, "yeaaaa". then you say, "i want you to stop being so critical of my friends ". and we be like, "yeaaaa". guarantee..we ain't heard that last shit at all. you come back 2 months talking about "i thought you were gonna stop talking about my friends." and we laughing in your face like, g. t. f. o. h. (get the fuck outta here). if we're fighting and you got your hands down our pants..yea we gonna say your right & agree to the bullshit you're saying. but we aren't gonna honor that shit later on. if he's watching sports center and you tell him you decided you want to wait for sex. he might hit you with a, "uh huh...." and push you out the way. that's because he's not listening to you. if a guy is preoccupied he's not listening to you. we aren't into multitasking. we aren't listening. we don't understand. we aren't agreeing. you are talking to yourself, setting rules by yourself. and when it comes time to enforce them we're gonna be like "what the fuck ever.." like it's the first time we've ever heard about that shit. yea, it's a way to sneak shit past us, but'll never work. we'll simply say.."i don't remember that..."


Epitome said...

As always, very well put. I'm a demanding person and I am always looking to have things done my way...learned the hard way that doesn't work when it comes to relationship rules. It can't be my way or the highway, there has to be give and take...compromise. I learned that when making rules, imagine how you would feel if your significant other was giving the same exact set of rules to you. That often clears things up as to what is and is not acceptable.

sunshinestar110 said...

Shout out to ME for this one!!! I'm da besssss...

*sigh* So well put *sigh* I like for things to be done my way so when i flip a rule or two i get angery when he just doesn't fall back into line. I learned awhile ago that shit don't always work out that way..Especially when rules were laid down I was the one breaking them *covers eyes*

jazzyjaz said...

Rules, Rules....they are definitely needed from time to time but this post just reminded me that i have no one to set rules for *sobs*

Chymere said...

This is why people stray from relationships....too many damn rules and expectations...why can't we just be?

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@epitome: i've learned women in general are very demanding. it's just part of yall nature. but to a degree that can be worked on. it's about compromise. it don't have to be your way or the highway but you can tell me what would make things better for you, instead of expecting to abide by it or else.

@sunshinestar110: khaled you're the besssss. stop breaking your own

@jazzyjaz: don't'll get someone soon and become the headmaster once again.

@chymere: i see where you're coming from. but at the same time rules are there because we don't come from the same place. in my environment cheating may be looked at as an offense punishable by death. but in yours it may be nothing. there has a conversation sometime in the relationship where you let someone know what's cool or not.

for instance. i'm not a fan of chicks with male friends. but if i date a chick who "only hangs with guys..cause women don't like them" she's doesn't see that as a problem. you get me?