Monday, April 19, 2010

manfive (friday) monday #39

i apologize ladies. i know i'm seriously late with the manfive. my excuses. i've been sick. it was my birthday thursday. and i've been hanging with my girl all weekend. so now that my excuse are out there, i hope you all forgive me.

so without further interruption...manfive (friday) monday's topic of the week: 5 ways to cheat yourself out of a relying on a checklist.

i usually don't watch the reality shows of people i know. with the exception of ray j's & fantasia's (because the fuckery & coonery is NOT's the chicks & tasia's family). so ask me about anyone else's show...and i'ma be like, "i didn't watch it...". think about it. wouldn't it be weird to watch someone you know live their everyday life? especially when some (most) times you know that's NOT how they live?

but since i was hanging tight with my chick of course we watched the coonery last night. and based off of how my twitter looked last week after ms. chilli's show aired i figured it was something that needed to be addressed. now let me start by saying..chilli is NOT desperate. the show like most reality shows show shit one way. i have NEVER seen her ass without a man. last time i saw her she was in the men's department shopping for clothes, and no they weren't for her son. what her issue is. is simple. reality.

ladies. yall can go hard on her all you want. MOST if not ALL of yall have or have had a list. it's so retarded all the, "she's just too picky...", "she's almost 40..and don't have no man cause of those damn rules", "why is she so desperate?.." from chicks who'll say they'll only date a dude over 6 ft. or with a six pack. i saw this one chick tweet the other day, "unless you have a body like spartacus, and a sword to unfollow". yall women have lost yall fucking minds. it's not just her. she's just one of yall. she suffers from a syndrome i like to refer to as, "been fucked over one too many times so she has to define what she DOESN'T want". the show should really be called, "what chilli does NOT want".

woman have become extremely superficial these days. yanno how yall used to complain about dudes who'll date a smart girl, but only if she looks like a model. yall will only date a good guy if his ass look like he's fresh off the prison yard. imagine me telling a chick, "you'd be more attractive to me if you lost maybe 30-40 pounds. that's some maury type abuse shit. the boot camp dude would have me doing push ups and jumping over walls for saying that to my chick. but women have no problem saying that shit to you. or saying, "i just have a type". do you think that shit would work with a dude? "yea baby i love you, but you're not my type". even as crude as we are sometimes even WE know not to say that shit to yall. so what's the deal with the list ladies? i'm gonna tell you 5 reasons these "list" fuck up your life.

#5: they are NOT realistic.

if you are 300 lbs. you have no room to say you want a dude with a six pack. sorry. if i'm walking around with a beer belly, i can't complain about your thighs touching. so why you think you can tell me i need to do some crunches while you're crunching on a mr. goodbar and shit? if you make 30k a year, yes you can say you want a man that makes a million. but if you riding the bus you can't knock the dude sitting next to you cause he don't have no car and making the same amount as you. you ladies have confused your checklist with your wish list. yes, we all want the perfect somebody. we all want someone who matches what we ASPIRE to be. but if you haven't made it there yet..the hell you using your wish list like God is gonna play Santa and deliver you some shit just because you want it. he sends what you need, not want you want. stop overlooking someone because they don't match a list that is crazy to begin with.

to chilli's defense. she want a man with a six pack. she has a six pack. she wants a man who doesn't eat pork, cause her dad's muslim & she doesn't eat pork. ok. she want a man with a big dick, and sung about that shit almost 20 years ago..."ten inches of your rock hard or with it saggin...i aint too proud to beg". ok. doesn't smoke or drink. cause she does neither. no more than 2 baby mothers..cause she has 1 baby father, ok. this is REALISTIC shit for her. the shit sound crazy. but look at her exes. she is not STUCK like glue, this is what she wants. she isn't saying, "what chilli needs..." it's what she wants. and like most optimistic women, she's trying to see if it's possible to find that. i'm much more receptive to her saying this shit, then to a chick 5ft tall telling me she only dates men 6ft or taller. it's like...ok if midget porn is your thing..go for it.

#4: you don't update that shit...

okay, so you got a list and shit. you've stuck to it thus far and even though you're lonely most the time you get a man here & there. or you happen upon dating someone who doesn't quite check off all the boxes on your list. but now that you've dated a guy under 6ft tall...and it's been fine. why the fuck do you still have that on your list? if your range has moved to 5'9 through 6ft +, why are you still saying you'll only date a dude 6ft are taller? if you've dated a guy with a little gut, and you didn't get smothered to death (cause i know you ladies think he's gonna kill you in your sleep with his fat body *sarcastic typing sound*) why are you still acting like a guy has to look like he stepped off of "the best man", "the wood", how stella got her groove back"..etc? attraction is limited to what you THINK you want. stop pulling that sheet of notebook paper from when you were 13 and used to hide it under your mattress so your mama wouldn't find it, out and checking the same old ass list. stop it. people change. you change. what you want can change. stop holding yourself to old wants. the princes from out the storybooks are not going to ride in on their ponies like the guy from the red spice commercial and sweep you off your feet. let the man who is there and who will treat you right sweep you off your feet.

#3: stop being so literal and shit...

take off those "you're not my type" blocker shades you got on. ok so you don't date a guy under 6feet a dude 5'11 is too short. get the fuck outta here. i'm saying i don't eat pork. there is no particular reason why. other than i just don't. but once out of every blue moon if i pass by burger king i will get a ham, egg & cheese croissant. but i won't ever eat it for thanksgiving. i won't ever eat pork chops, you're trying to tell me that werewolf craving once a year will stop you from dating me? again..get the fuck outta here. there is a such thing as exceptions. just because you can't put that [X] in my box doesn't mean i couldn't get a [/]. chilli don't want a man who eat pork, but this is the same chick that said she was a vegetarian but will put away more wings than me on any given day. get the fuck outta here zonda. lol. look at dallas. look at usher. both smoke. both drink. dallas ain't cut. she makes exceptions. don't yall take this tv shit too seriously. she knows that this shit is a want list. not an exact list.

#2: you DON'T have to check off everything..

4 out of 5 isn't bad. stop acting like he has to be aren't perfect. unless you're God. so stop acting as if anyone is going to meet those standards. if a guy fits your list almost to a "t", stop sweating the ones he don't. if he meets the job, height, looks requirements then why are you stressing over the "likes to hang out with my friends" requirement? leave the man alone. realize when enough is enough. it's not considered settling. it's considered being realistic.

#1: make a NEED list & check it against your want list...

if you NEED a man spiritually sound...
but your list says: "need a man who is a member of the usher board"

if you NEED a man with a good relationship with his family...

but your list says: "must talk to his parents everyday..and get along with all members of his family"

if you NEED a healthy man...

but your list says: "must have a six pack and muscles everywhere.

there are ways to get what you want, but you have to make sure before you eliminate someone that they don't match the need. just because i don't have a six pack doesn't make me unhealthy. just because i don't go to church every sunday doesn't mean i'm spiritually unstable. i could quote circles around you about the bible. just because sometimes i don't wanna deal with my people don't mean i don't love them and that i had a bad upbringing. you have to weigh the want vs. the need. is it necessary for me to be a deacon to love the Lord? list are limitations. you are limiting yourself to certain things. why limit love? why limit the already small circle that is out there for you ladies. with men in jail, thugging, gay, etc..why make the list of eligible men even smaller for yourself?

like i said at the beginning. chilli is NOT desperate. she could be married already. she's attractive, funny, great sense of humor, great mom, she's financially straight. if she would have dealt with usher cheating he would have married her. real talk. but she knew that was NOT want she wanted. i'm not saying, yall can't want things in a man. i'm just saying when it comes to list...don't block your happiness because of past dealings, personal preferences "types", ideals, etc..

be open to people & you'll find there are more people out there with what you NEED than you actually thought. the state of women & marriage these days (especially black women) is crazy. yall aren't getting married. yes, a lot of it has to do with no good men. i'm not gonna lie or act like that doesn't play a factor. but a lot of yall are hurting yourselves. you can be picky and selective but own that at the end of the day. own that you're alone because you've chosen to be. you can blame a guy for being a bum, but you can't blame he from not being physically what you want. you can blame a guy for not taking care of his kids, but you can't blame him for having them. you can blame a guy for not being financial responsible, but you can't blame him for not going to college or obtaining higher forms of education. these are things that are nice. these are things that level out where you're coming from. but the latter things don't make the man. they make your impression/opinion of him. see past that first glance, conversation, or question you asked...and you might find that he can be what you want, because he's what you need.


Epitome said...

The list. Lol. I can remember watching the Real World yeeeears ago and seeing Kamillah and her list of needs in a man. At 12/13 years old I sat down with my Lisa Frank notebook with the Unicorn on the front and my favorite purple pen and wrote out what I would want in a boy (SMH) it had like 90 things!...years later (at 16) I updated the list now it had 20 I tore the list up. That's the most unrealistic shit ever! My list for a man is simple now...basic needs. I don't date men based on what they have or how they look, I date men based on how they make me feel. I think alot of women need a reality check. A friend of mine said her father told her to make a list of 10 things that are most important in a mate, if you can find one with at least 6 then you're ahead of the game.

Anonymous said...

This is so true! Wanting something from someone else that you haven't bothered to invest in yourself is ridiculous... What makes us think we deserve all these things in a partner if we don't have them to offer as well? The guy has things he wants as well... (Though not in an OCD organised list like ours, lol) I should check out this blog more often... LOL @ the angrytweeter... self-pitying complaining nuisance... SMH. They irritate me.

sunshinestar110 said...

A list for a man is ridiculous! I have never come up with anything like a list of requirements in a man. I sure its almost impossible to find a man who will fit all of the things you need. I think you should just look for the simple thing like has all his teeth, doesn't smell has a job and let the other stuff just fall into place. Making a list is an guaranteed way to find yourself alone...forever

jazzyjaz said...

I made a list like that when I was 16 and wanted a man to provide me and be everything i wanted. I grew up to understand that everyone isn't perfect and having a list of what he has to have in oder for us to be together was crazy. and for all that we know is the one person who may be your soul mate could be the complete opposite of you. I hope it works out for chilli

★Starrla Monae☆ said...

I had a list in high school & college. When I think about it now, it was silly and superficial the way I described how incredibly perfect this guy had to be especially so I could show him off to everyone. Now that I've gotten older, I realize that although my future guy may not be perfect to anyone else just as long as he's perfect for ME.

sushiela said...

i appreciate this post. i'm totally disinterested in dating right now b/c i don't wanna settle for the kind of guy that would settle for me right now. so this is a reminder for me to keep working on myself.

i think "the list" can really be a necessary step in development. like these ladies said, i had one at some point, & disregarded it at some point. then i went way too far to the other end of the spectrum and had no particular standards. so now, on the road back to the middle.

thinking of current "standards": aside from basic, mutual physical attraction i think i've reduced everything down to needing someone who has 1)love in his heart for himself & others, and 2)is passionate about his life & purpose or working towards becoming so.

i still have doubts about my willingness to commit to a guy with a smaller package. that's why i don't date asian guys & left the mexicans alone.

i would probably never date a banker, real estate agent, or stock broker because i feel like they are soulless parasitic drones.

are these stereotypes fair? who knows? do i care? no. another guy would never date me because i'll probably never have a flat stomach, or earn more than a certain amount of money. i'm fine with that.

Anonymous said...

I think most people in general have lists. I think chilli just put hers out there. She's picky because she doesn't want to be hurt again. The chances of her finding someone with everything she's looking for are really slim. My personal list had always been basic. Someone who I am attracted to in some way. I could care less if anyone agreed with me. Someone that got me and my silly ass sarcastic sense of humor and someone who could fit in well with my family because family for me always comes 1st. The unspokens of my personal list are to treat me well and with respect and to be with me without conditions.

I think when people get to being so specific it gets unrealistic. And you're also selling yourself short. That man or woman u overlook because she/he doesn't fit your list coulda been the love of your life.

I just say, don't settle for less than your worth but don't cheat yourself out of a relationship because you're superficial.

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@epitome: lol@ your unicorn notebook. i'm with you. i date women based on how they make me feel. that's why to me it's important they make me feel good, appreciated, loved, etc..cause that's my only criteria. and a lot of them don't get that because they are not used to that or they either are dating me for other reasons. it's hard to understand how someone can date and love you and only want you to treat them nice and love them back in return when you've dealt with people who wanted so many more complicated, superficial things in the past. i'm simple, like you if she takes care of my basic needs i'm satisfied. and you're right just a few out of a handful of "wants" is good enough for me.

@f and m: yes you should check it more often lol. and that's what i'm saying. women are under the illusion men have to have it all, but they don't ever look at themselves and ask themselves what they are providing you with. and yea i've had to #twitterkill a few more people since..

@sunshinestar110: *sigh* i agree. yea i see how hard it is to tell you i agree with you, so i can now see how hard it is for you to agree with me. lol. but seriously, it will take forever to find someone to fit an exact list. women should use it as a guide, not a checklist. i'm glad to find a chick who got all her brain cells, smells nice, combs her hair...ain't really that picky. lol.

@jazzyjaz: i agree. people really attract their opposites. and sometimes you can seem really alike until you delve deeper. slight differences can make it seem like complete difference when it's examined the most. and i think contrast helps complete you. in a sense if you are just the same the qualities you're missing will be the same one's they are. someone of opposite qualities will at least add that.

@starrla monae: i think showing a guy off is the major reason for a list. it's like i'll compile what i think is perfect so everyone else will think i have the perfect man. but the most retarded part about most list is that it's almost always only physical, financial shit. it's never about how they treat you. meaning you can "look" perfect but they can treat you like shit. that's how women get messed up and deal with a dude just because he "seems" like mr. right. but treats her like mr. wrong.

@sushiela: it's important to have someone who loves themselves. because they have to see the beauty in them to see the real beauty in you. and yea you're stereotypes aren't fair lol. you know that already, but again..that's your list. but just like i said "fuck you" to a chick who can't see the greatness in me..say "fuck you" to dudes who can't see past things with you.


"I think when people get to being so specific it gets unrealistic. And you're also selling yourself short. That man or woman u overlook because she/he doesn't fit your list coulda been the love of your life.

I just say, don't settle for less than your worth but don't cheat yourself out of a relationship because you're superficial."

<---preach that shit...this is exactly what i was trying to say. i agree & thanks.