Saturday, December 5, 2009
Manfive (Saturday) Friday #20
i apologize, it's been a rough long week. been working all day, just got in about 20-30 minutes ago. been having a hard time sleeping lately, so my internal battery is running on "low". i figured if i'm gonna be up i can go ahead and do this manfive, instead of laying here lifeless, uncomfortable, & unable to sleep. enough about my laundry list of issues.
this week's manfive topic is: things you must NOT touch.
my son has this phrase he says all the time, "No, don't touch it!". at first when he started saying it, i thought his mom had taught him how to ward off all the chesters (yanno..chester, chester child molester). then i realized this ninja says that shit for everything. his food, "nooo...don't touch it". his toys, "nooo...don't touch it". even shit he tries to deebo from me, "nooo...don't touch it"
it's already ingrained in his mind...he has personal space & personal possessions and he don't want you to touch it. here are five things men don't want women to touch..
#5: His food...
as a man, you have a hearty appetite. if you order some food or go out and pick some up, get what you want. see you women play games with food. yall don't order enough. yall don't THINK you're gonna want that extra cheeseburger. so after your man says, "you sure that's all you want..." and walks out the door, that's it. the way i eat, i save all the best pieces for last. so my last bite can be savored. yall chicks been watching too many movies with this "if a man loves you, he'll give you the last bite..". you ever gave someone you're last chicken wing and they nibbled on that bitch and put it down with meat still on the bone? fuck that shit..i'll pick that shit up and eat it. all them kids starving in ethiopia and you messing over my food to see if "i really love you...". yea, i really loved your ass till you did that shit. don't go eating my wings. i ordered 20 because i wanted 20, not 19..18..17..etc.
#4: His radio...air conditioner, mirrors..anything in the car
ever picked someone up and they started fucking with everything in your car? i hate when a chick get in my car and start fucking with my radio. changing my cd's, asking if we can listen to the radio. no...we can't. i'm setting up a mood right now. if you get in my car and i'm playing grown & sexy that's what we bout to be. i don't want to turn to Kelis or see what's on the radio. what i want to listen to is exactly what i WAS listening to.
then she go turning the air off. it's like..i got dual controls. meaning your side can be as hot as you can handle. go ahead lucifer light your ass on fire over there i want my side to stay on 69.
matter-a-fact...don't move my rear view mirror either. there is a vanity mirror on your visor. don't adjust the seats, i don't want to have to kiss the steering wheel to see if a car is coming since you wanna have your seat upright like you're on a damn plane or some shit. act like you can lean back for like 10-15 minutes. just get in the car, keep your hands to yourself, and don't say nothing. let's just listen to car sounds since we can't agree on a playlist.
#3: anything with his name on it...
if you see my name on some shit, why are you picking it up? don't go through my mail. don't look at the papers on the table. don't be all up in my wallet. stop being nosy and mind your business. there is no reason you should be in my medicine cabinet reading my prescriptions. don't like my magazine selection, guess who's name is on the front?...that's right mine. i hate when a chick look at some shit then ask, "what's this?.." it's like you should know, you been reading it since you sat down.
#2: his porn...
remember when you we're younger and you had that dirty magazine, that VHS of the scrambled spice channel where you can actually make out one titty and the girl says, "ooh yea..." at that one part? and you came home from school and it was gone. no where to be found. you looked up under the mattress. in your closet, in that shoe box behind your church clothes (cause they are always hanging up). checked that drawer that's broke and you have to do that special thing to open it. no where to be found. and yanno your mom found that shit and threw it out.
yea we are very territorial about the porn. so when we get grown, don't go pulling that "mama" shit. if i go through the trouble of hiding it in a box that says, "camping supplies", "toxic: don't touch", or "has my name on it" and you happen to find it...do NOT throw my shit out. do NOT watch it to see what it is. especially with VHS tapes, because every dude has that "special" part that he leaves his tape on. always reset the counter so you can rewind 4 mins & 36 secs to that part. if you open my dvd player and find one, do NOT remove it. and if you do, replace it when you're done. everyone knows porn DVD's go missing like socks in the dryer when left out.
#1: it's a toss up between the phone & the remote...
there are only a few things we walk around the house with. our phone & the remote control. we walk around the house with them so that you will NOT touch them. it's not that i'm hiding anything. it's not that you can't use my phone if you need to. it's just the fact that women don't ever want your phone for a good reason. they wanna check your text log. call history. even your web browser. they wanna see the contact pictures for everyone. they wanna answer it when it rings. same chick who'll sit next to you with her shit on vibrate, wanna answer your phone. it's like even if your phone was ringing i have no reason nor desire to answer your phone. why you jocking mine?
as for the remote. it could be 4 tv's in the same room. the only one a chick wanna watch is the one you're watching. even IF she's watching what you're watching she wanna flip back and forth to shit. turning the captions on. fucking with the display features (on accident). as soon as she get her hand on the remote control the watching tv enjoyment level goes into the negative numbers. that's why we have to carry it around the house. just keep it in our pocket. if you wanna change the channel, do it manually. bet your ass will leave the tv on ESPN, if you gotta keep getting up and down to change it.