Sunday, December 20, 2009
i am a chronic love adviser. meaning i'm in the business of offering advice on matters of the heart. i do it often. and often it's great advice (if i say so myself). i think hindsight is a bitch, and i've had a bunch of bitches.
i guess the most disappointing thing is i can't ever keep love. it's like, "those who can't, teach". i'm stuck in an endless cycle of knowing what love is. knowing what it's supposed to feel like. knowing what it isn't. and knowing when it's wrong. unfortunately, it never does me any good. i'm the kind of guy who looks good on paper. i look good to you as a friend. i'm charming in the beginning. then something goes terribly wrong. expectations.
i expect so much more, because i've been taken advantage of repeatedly. it's not a bitter expectation. like i'm just unfairly wanting things unreasonable. only thing i require is love. only thing i ask, is love. i want to feel it. i want to know it's there. it's almost like i got a love shield around me. as long as ppl are near me they feel the love all around me. to the point where they want to stay there. but they never give it back. like the shield, shields me from being loved. i'm honestly not being dramatic. this is how i feel.
when i lose love, it feels like i lose a part of my life. a part, that i set aside with the hope for more. it never really seems like the person on the other end is as hurt as me. i'll do all the lame: waiting for a response, checking my email, phone, etc.. just any sign they they even cared. and usually i'm let down. why can't i just roll over on love like that? why can't i just be ice cold? it's a part of me that feels like i should. but it's a part of me that feels like that blocks God. although i think he's playing a cruel trick on me. yanno the one where you probably should have become a monk, but you didn't so he's just gonna make sure you are alone for the rest of your life anyway? yea, i think that's me. and again, i'm not being overly dramatic. i truly believe God, chooses some people to be alone. it's one of those, receiving your paradise in heaven things.
a little background information about me. when i was younger i was really into church. first girl i ever dated was a PK (preacher's kid). she wasn't one of those bad ones either. i was a youth leader, i was really into all of that. all of sudden that relationship that was going great, just went away. like literally, we were together happily one day, the next not. one of the dumbest reasons. my next big relationship was my marriage. and again, it was going great. i know people say, "i didn't do anything to deserve it..". and honestly i didn't. it was great one day, and then off a sudden it was over. love comes into my life & gives me hope. then it leaves fast with no remorse. no one is every sorry. like they say it, but they really aren't. that is the part that sucks the most. people can go on the next day like everything is fine, while i'm left holding a bag full of empty dreams & promises.
i don't even have many close friends, because i don't really think people are interested in me for me. it's always something else. growing up, it was because i was a pushover and i had money. later it was because i was still a pushover. then it was the connects. then back to the money. needless to say, i doubt people's true intentions for friendship. that's why i rarely reveal much about myself. it's just easier to find out who likes you for you.
and when i think someone likes me for me, and they don't. it's like an arrow through the heart. you love people the way you want to be loved. that's why i love hard, blindly, & unconditionally. it just sucks when it's not returned. love denied. yet again.