Sunday, December 20, 2009

love denied..

i am a chronic love adviser. meaning i'm in the business of offering advice on matters of the heart. i do it often. and often it's great advice (if i say so myself). i think hindsight is a bitch, and i've had a bunch of bitches.

i guess the most disappointing thing is i can't ever keep love. it's like, "those who can't, teach". i'm stuck in an endless cycle of knowing what love is. knowing what it's supposed to feel like. knowing what it isn't. and knowing when it's wrong. unfortunately, it never does me any good. i'm the kind of guy who looks good on paper. i look good to you as a friend. i'm charming in the beginning. then something goes terribly wrong. expectations.

i expect so much more, because i've been taken advantage of repeatedly. it's not a bitter expectation. like i'm just unfairly wanting things unreasonable. only thing i require is love. only thing i ask, is love. i want to feel it. i want to know it's there. it's almost like i got a love shield around me. as long as ppl are near me they feel the love all around me. to the point where they want to stay there. but they never give it back. like the shield, shields me from being loved. i'm honestly not being dramatic. this is how i feel.

when i lose love, it feels like i lose a part of my life. a part, that i set aside with the hope for more. it never really seems like the person on the other end is as hurt as me. i'll do all the lame: waiting for a response, checking my email, phone, etc.. just any sign they they even cared. and usually i'm let down. why can't i just roll over on love like that? why can't i just be ice cold? it's a part of me that feels like i should. but it's a part of me that feels like that blocks God. although i think he's playing a cruel trick on me. yanno the one where you probably should have become a monk, but you didn't so he's just gonna make sure you are alone for the rest of your life anyway? yea, i think that's me. and again, i'm not being overly dramatic. i truly believe God, chooses some people to be alone. it's one of those, receiving your paradise in heaven things.

a little background information about me. when i was younger i was really into church. first girl i ever dated was a PK (preacher's kid). she wasn't one of those bad ones either. i was a youth leader, i was really into all of that. all of sudden that relationship that was going great, just went away. like literally, we were together happily one day, the next not. one of the dumbest reasons. my next big relationship was my marriage. and again, it was going great. i know people say, "i didn't do anything to deserve it..". and honestly i didn't. it was great one day, and then off a sudden it was over. love comes into my life & gives me hope. then it leaves fast with no remorse. no one is every sorry. like they say it, but they really aren't. that is the part that sucks the most. people can go on the next day like everything is fine, while i'm left holding a bag full of empty dreams & promises.

i don't even have many close friends, because i don't really think people are interested in me for me. it's always something else. growing up, it was because i was a pushover and i had money. later it was because i was still a pushover. then it was the connects. then back to the money. needless to say, i doubt people's true intentions for friendship. that's why i rarely reveal much about myself. it's just easier to find out who likes you for you.

and when i think someone likes me for me, and they don't. it's like an arrow through the heart. you love people the way you want to be loved. that's why i love hard, blindly, & unconditionally. it just sucks when it's not returned. love denied. yet again.


MzAuNatural-Beauty said...

I completely understand where you're coming from. I feel the SAME way, it sucks right? Especially when you have so much love in your heart to give and it's not being reciprocated. This note reminds me of my blogs "Love Chronicles".. lol, u ever get tired of your own love life, you're more than welcome to read about mind.

P.S - There's hope ;)

Freckles said...

hmmmm... Love denied huh? I have so many thoughts on this subject. I hear you and feel you. I am actually writing something about love. I am in love with love and that it entails. However I have not as receptive to love because I hadnt truly loved myself. So, I have been falling in love with freckles. She is pretty awesome. She feels my voided love components and prepares me to have love. LOL.

But for real its all in balance and understanding. I think that when one loves with expectations, one sets a standard that often cannot be met. LOVE has to be patient and cannot be delusional. Be careful with your tendancies and find your balance.

I hope that this all made sense.

Beyond Danielle said...

love stinks

you won't be alone forever you'll definetly find some one bein as your so smart on how things should go. One day you'll date someone who is not scared of being with someone they love. Some girls leave because they're scared to lose out 1st. And some girls don't like to be treated nice.

Nobody want's to play a fool

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@MzAuNatural-beauty: thanks. it really does suck, something awful. i'll def come and peep your love chronicles, just as soon as i stop sulking over my love

@Freckles: my only expectation is to be loved. that shouldn't be hard. everything else can be worked out, but if you can't/won't love me then what can really be done?

@Beyond Danielle: funny thing is, it's not about being alone forever, because i can get chicks. i think ppl get it twisted, i've NEVER had a problem getting chicks. it's just when i'm looking for meaningful relationships and we're together for months - years. you shouldn't be walking away like it's nothing. and you're absolutely right, "some girls don't like to be treated nice"..

Hater Von G said...

Honestly, I've never loved anyone, and I'm not sure anyone has ever loved me. Lust, of course. I am only 21, but Ive been married, so Im confused. And let me tell ya, being 21 and already divorced? Bullet to the head.

Do you think you can "learn to love" someone? Or does it have to be something that comes naturally? I tried the learning to love my ex husband, but it back fired and I think it's because it felt forced. But I still felt the sting because of the cheating and the sudden lonliness.

I'm beginning to love your blog by the way, so honest.

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@hater von g: i feel you on the bullet to the head.i'm divorced also, and it's like a badge of dishonor to me. my wife cheated on me but whenever i say i've been married ppl look at me like it was my fault. i still feel the sting too & it's been a few years.

i think you can learn to love, but it's harder to love. it takes longer. it sacrfices a lot of other feelings. when it's naturally there you feel it there. it's what drives the relationship. when you have to learn it or get used to someone it takes the excitement away. it's almost like, it may be worth it in the end..but right now eh, not so much.

and thank you.

~Sheila~ said...

I am the same way. When I was younger (and sometimes even now) I would go out of my way to help people, lend them money (even though I barely had any) and was always there to give someone a helping hand. These same people "weren't near their phones" or "they didn't hear it ring...for the past 3 days" when I'm in need of something.
Don't worry too much about finding a partner. That partner is going to find you. You will know who they are as soon as they cross your path!

Tauni said...

So feel the freaken way! Like I'm just the relationship f%#$ up while all my friends and family go down like a stupid fairy tale. Meanwhile I'm in the back ground to sapport and care for them and make sure thier lives stay on the right track all the while going home alone or dating with a yawn..........>T<....just venting.....