Saturday, June 6, 2009

where would we be without women?

the cup says, "women need men like a hole in the head". but trust, men need women. they introduce us & teach us about so many things. here is my top ten things women are good for:

thing # 1o: always have toilet paper.

as a man the need for toilet paper is great, only when we have serious "bidness" to attend to. other than that, we don't think about it. i don't know how many times i've had to waddle out the bathroom, pants around my ankles...waddle down the hallway, into another bathroom to find toilet paper. in fact my uncle used to sing a little song and it went like this..."what do you do, when your stranded on the stool..and you don't have toilet paper? do you take it like a man, and wipe it with your hand..or do you use newspaper". needless to say, we get ourselves into that situation. but with women around...there is ALWAYS toilet paper. they have a "we only have one roll left" warning message that comes attached to them at birth. without women, we'd have some shitty hands...or some shitty newspaper, depends on which road you choose.

thing #9: personal stylist

yes, we complain about our women dressing us. we complain about them buying us underwear, shirts, britches, etc..but how do you think the clothes we wear get in our drawers? the dresser fairy doesn't replace your holey undies. i never had to think about what i was going to wear, there was always an hint or suggestion. always a "you could wear this....". they let you know what the attire of the evening is, "'re not wear that are you?.." they tell you what to wear and what not to have on to impress their friends & family. without women we'd probably wear the same shit everyday, and turn it inside out when it got dirty.

thing #8: fighting battles/customer service shut-er-downers..

if there is a problem, with anything. who is gonna get on the phone and cuss somebody out? who is gonna wait through 3 automated prompts, two rude customer service reps, & one new manager to tell them what they need to do to fix "our" problem? a woman. cause dudes ain't got time for that shit. a woman will get on the phone w/everyone in the damn company to complain about only having 9 pieces of chicken when she KNOW she ordered a 10 piece. she want her name on the list and she IS coming back up there to get it at a later date. she's gotten the poor dude at the register fired, got his manager giving out coupons, & got corporate sending her "i'm sorry" letters. yea we hate when yall bitch at us, but go head get me some free chicken baby...

thing #7: kitchen appliances & tools

you know that heavy box of round things your mom bought you when you went off to college? the one you never opened. how about a woman will go in your cabinets, open your fridge, put one of those on the stove and make you a meal. let me introduce you to something call a "pot" & a "pan". who knew that magic circle bowl could do that? but wait...there's more! how about there are things that grind, open, slice, steam, there is actually a timer on the oven so you don't have to keep poking shit with a fork to see if it bleeds. mean to tell me i could have been having a real dinner all this time?

thing #6:

now before diddy was "preserving his sexy", raise you hand (men only) if you knew what moisturizer was? because i admit i was a floured face fool & had no idea why. face so dry i could have been a Shamwow cloth. dab some in my hand, rub it on my face. are you fucking serious? this can't be true. just a dab will do me? i thank you "mrs.X" for making my face sexy for my next chick...

thing #5: will show you who your true friends are

basically..she will do everything in her power to make you alienate your friends. doesn't want you to go drinking. doesn't want you to hang with them. thinks this one always has you around some chicks. wants all your time to be spent with her. so basically any friends who still deal with you while you're with her. are you TRUE friends. lol..

thing #4: loofahs

fuck any dude who think loofahs are for sissies. seriously. i used to scoff all the time at using a loofah. yes, i've bought tons of those bath & body works gift sets for my mom, grandma, girlfriends, cousins, etc..if you told me to use one i'd say, fuck you till the lights burn out. that was till one day i was in the cloth. asked this chick to bring me one, she returns with a loofah sponge. i told her, " i'm not using that shit..". she leaves.. i put soap on it, pressed it to my body, and lost my mind. why the fuck hadn't i been using that shit? not only does it soap up better, it gives you that scratching sensation & is faster with the body to soap application. you can say, think what you want...i gets clean with my irish springs & loofah sponge. and you never have to buy them shits cause some chick you know ALWAYS has like 40 of them, since they don't use them cause they're too busy soaking in their own dirt taking "baths" & shit.

thing# 3: there is more on
tv then sports, video games, & porn

who woulda thunk it? women get you watching crazy little shows with them that you'd never ever watch under any other circumstance. and it's instantly made ok because if one of your dudes ask you why you watching that shit you just say, "my chick made me watch it..". but it honestly opens your eyes to a lot of things & keeps you up to date with shit that's going on. don't know how many times i'll be listening to the radio in the morning and hear about some shit that happen on a tv show, or w/ someone and had NO CLUE who it was or what they were talking about. yall dudes know what i'm talking about...yanno the shows you watch and ain't suppose to be watching..."america's top model", "sex in the city", "girlfriends", "bad girl club", etc.. not saying i watch those...just saying, how you recognize Eva on the young & the restless? you ain't seen her ass in no magazine. better question how you even know she's on the young & the restless?...*smh*

thing #2: air freshers & candles

wanna know why every time you go to her place, why it smells so good? and you're sitting in your crib and it smell like shit in a sock? cause women got these things called air fresheners. naw it's not the same as the can in the bathroom. it's fans, plug-ins, discreet's what home smells like, when it really smells like a home. after being introduced to the scent of "bearable", how could i ever go back to a scentless house? yea i know it's confusing. when dudes come to my place and see the candles they think it's for the ladies. yes, partially correct. since i ain't wasting my $6 candle on their ass...but i'm saying. if you can't make your home smell good for you...who the hell can you make it smell good for? step up your game fellas...

thing #1.5: sex

ain't speaking for all guys. but for me...women do the damn thang for me. beats "handebating" any day.

thing #1: love

women will teach you love. it will break that hard exterior we put forth and soften us (just a little..). it's companionship, conversation, "laughing at our jokes", acting like they need us. it's that understanding you only previously only got from your mom. it's support, that look, that feeling you get when she says your name. all that comes w/ love. it's a gift that God intended us to have, and it's brought to us most times by women (some of yall dudes yanno eh, i ain't hating..but i'm saying). it's something they give us, and broaden any expectation you ever had when they give us children. most appreciative of thing #1.

but aye...i'll fucks with ya for thing 1.5 too!


~Sheila~ said...

Alright, so you know I'm gonna have something to say about each of these things because...well, it's all true. I give you props for recognizing the fact that someone has to take care of your ass.

YUP. I am the "paper" monitor. Yes, because EVERY TIME I use the restroom I have to wipe. But...let's not mistake the fact that some people in my household *cough*Angel*cough* likes to wrap his hand up like he's the catcher in the MBL. I can monitor how much paper the kids use, but there is ALWAYS an empty roll by the toilet when Angel get's out.

There was a time when I had to tell Angel he couldn't by any more clothes in a certain style because people were going to think I was married to a lumberjack.
Plaid and cut off sleeves all the damn time!
I'll stick with the skulls. At least THEY make him look tough.

BOY!! You better believe it! I call customer service on everything. You read my post. When Angel and I first met, he was becoming afraid to take me out to eat because I would complain about my steak not being cooked right.
Then, I started working as a waitress...and learned not to complain anymore.
Now I complain over the internet...but yes, I take care of that business.

I actually DO own a few appliances and cookware that have been in MINT CONDITION since we've been married. (10 yrs)
I take pride in my preservation skills!

I'm still working on Angel's dry as sandpaper hands that keep snagging my good underware. I have lotion EVERYWHERE and if I don't put it on him myself....God help me....

That is true. Some friends are really selfish and want someone to be out doing the crap that they are doing. We know how to weed them out. It's usually single guys. Those fuckers always try to mess up a good thing. They don't want to go out alone so they try to drag your ass with them. Guys who are in relationships know how to mellow out all the partying and keep it civil.
Angel's friends know I don't play.

..."and you never have to buy them shits cause some chick you know ALWAYS has like 40 of them, since they don't use them cause they're too busy soaking in their own dirt taking "baths" & shit"...

Alright now, You're lucky that we have them for you to use otherwise yo ass would be grubby as hell like you were before.
Just be thankful.

You know you be watching that shit. Even before 'ol girl showed it to you. You were just secretly grateful that someone in your life was into it too.
You TIVO it...all by yourself.
You know it.

..."after being introduced to the scent of "bearable", how could i ever go back to a scentless house?"...
Dude, your house isn't scentless. You said it yourself...
..."you're sitting in your crib and it smell like shit in a sock"...
That's why guys be getting all mad when your place smells "pretty". They're used to the old smell that made them feel comfortable.
I'm just sayin...

You know it.

You gotta respect women, just like we gotta respect men. We are only this way for a reason.
For you.
We learn from each other.
That's why I get mad at people who REALLY degrade their baby's mommas because their relationship went sour. It's a learning experience. It's bitter cause it's a learning experience.

Bottom need us/we need you. All men (at one point or another) learn to appreciate least one person in their lifetime.

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

thanks for agreeing with me. i also agree with your bottom line. but you have to stop hating on my tv watching. just cause you make your husband watch "Ugly Betty" with you, doesn't mean you can slander me..i happen to find the Housewives of Atlanta, very entertaining

~Sheila~ said...

Look, for the record...He doesn't watch "Ugly Betty" with me. Neither do the kids (they won't stay during an episode no matter what I bribe them with).
He will watch "Medium" with me. And yes, that IS after it's been TIVO'd for quite some time and I remind him again and again that I'm waiting to watch it WITH HIM.'s NOT "Ugly Betty".

Beyond Danielle said...

I glad that you appreciate the small things that come with having a woman

Ms. Lovely said...

Wow..I really love this post!

"Face so dry I coulda been a shamwow cloth"


#3-I love Sex&The City but my dude thinks it's "soooo gay"..Wouldn't you know the other night we were fighting for control of the remote (I won of course)..So i'm watching and he's watching..and at one point he actually laughed! So 10 seconds later he realized he was enjoying it and got all man.."This shit is soo gay! Turn it off!" lmao..He was embarrased hahaha..Gotcha Bitch!