Wednesday, November 14, 2012

i am thankful

day#14: i am thankful for my mind...

a mind is a terrible thing to waste. and an easy thing to take for granted. about 5 years ago i started suffering with symptoms which i later found to be the onset of my MS. i woke up one day and noticed a glare in one of my eyes. as the day progressed the glare got blurrier and blurrier until i found it hard to even see out of that eye. two days later i was blind in my left eye. which i immediately went to a neurologist, got on steroids, and regained my vision in that eye within a few weeks.

great, huh? that's what i thought until i started getting these mind numbing migraines. pain so bad it makes you nauseous. you feel like you're going to pass out. and you can literally hear the pounding in your head as if you were standing in front of a gong all day long. so i went back to the neurologist and got put on a migraine medication. i started taking it and my headaches slowed down...but i started noticing little things. one thing, i couldn't look at people at all. like if i caught eye contact with someone i felt like i was jumping in their mouth. my mind was racing 8000 miles a second. i felt off, i felt weird....i felt out of control.

i kept telling people..something isn't right. but everyone kept telling me if i didn't take it i'd continue to have the migraines. the medication had me depressed, so depressed i didn't even want to get up. everything made me upset to the point where i was either very angry or i just started crying. it had me so spaced out, i literally lost track of time. someone could start talking to me and i wouldn't hear a word they were saying. it got so bad, i just avoided conversations. it was like i was there, but i wasn't really there. like i was standing outside of my body watching "me", thinking "what the fuck is going on?". and no one believed me when i said "this medicine is making me feel weird". then one day....

i just stopped taking it.

it was like all of the animals that i saw chilling in my living room, ran back into the forest. everything was right in the world, almost instantly. i was me again. i had found my mind. it wasn't until that experience that i knew what it felt like to not have control of your thoughts. to literally be in a walking coma. i am thankful that i had sense enough to know that something wasn't right. i am thankful for my sanity. and i now know that medication side effects are no joke. trust me, i read all the fine print. i document any changes in behavior, or symptoms i may feel. i won't ever let nothing like that happen to me again. i love my mind. i lost it once, but after i found it...i promised i'd never let it leave again.

1 comment:

Freckles said...

Wow. Bless your heart and your mind. I am always taken back by all the side effects of the medications advertised on TV. That is scary. I am THANKFUL that you recognized and payed attention.