Friday, February 19, 2010

ManFive Friday #31

this is the last in the "insushiwetrust" series of Manfive questions. again, ladies if you have questions hit me on twitter #manfive, through comments, or email .

this week's topic: 5 common pitfalls single women make when trying to find mr.right

okay ladies grab a seat. get out a pen. get some wine. call your girls. i need yall to relax and listen. i know we live in a world full of sorry men. yes, it's true. there are a lot of them out there. that being said..there are a lot of sorry women too. but there are good ones out there, men & women. so how does a good woman find a good man? better yet how does she avoid missing a good man? here are 5 common mistakes women make when looking for mr. right...

#5: Bag lady...
"bag're gonna miss yo' bus/you can't hurry up, cause you got too much stuff/when they see you coming/niggas start to running/from you/yes it's true/ they do". -Erykah Badu

yanno how yall like to hide your purse in drawers or in a closet or under a coat in the car? and a guy will come up to yall and be talking. he'll start feeling you thinking you're great and shit. you're just walking around carefree. then he's ready to go someplace and you go pick that damn bag up. all of a sudden things aren't simple. you got this big ass bag full of your whole house on your arm. and it keeps stopping you from walking as fast. it starts stopping you from getting on rides. every time you try to walk through a new door, you gotta stop and check the bag.

your issues are like a purse. when you are carrying them around with you it complicates shit a bit. it doesn't ruin it. it just slows things down. when a man is into you and is trying to progress if you keep bringing up old shit you're stopping the movement. once there's a stall, yanno it's hard to get the ball moving as fast again. i'm not saying you can't have issues. i'm just saying, not dealing with them beforehand or letting them rule & run your life will make you miss out on someone who is interested and ready to move with you. don't slow down the progress with your purse full of issues. carry that purse but instead of that big ass hobo bag, get a dinner purse. some shit without a strap that you can just carry. some shit you can lay down and forget somewhere. leave them issues in the car, on the table, at home.

#4: the List....

all yall have them. even the one's that say you don't. "he has to be at least 6ft.", "he has to have a Ph.D"., "he has to make 7 figures". "his dick has to be at least a foot"..

yes, there is nothing wrong with wanting the tallest, smartest, richest, biggest dick dude in the world. but the truth is, getting a combination like that is going to highly minimize the pool of men you can choose from. trim your list some. what is important? what do you need in a man? stop focusing on what you want. there is nothing wrong with being choosy, but if being choosy has you alone till your 41..then stop complaining. your mr. right embodies everything you NEED. he can become everything you want after you get your needs met.

don't let a good man slip away because he isn't as tall. or physically fit. don't assume because a brother didn't go to school you know his life and he isn't smart. don't look at his hooptie at 26 and think that's what you'll have the car seat in when he's 34. don't feel him up and miss out on the best head of your life because you assume his pipe isn't long enough to snake your pipeline. sometimes you have to just live and give people a chance. don't limit who you give a chance. you might miss out on something or someone who is packaged wrong. sometimes great things come in small & ugly packages.

#3. STOP caring about what your friends think...

don't look at your relationship through your friends eyes. don't let them influence you to go against your own judgment. i'm not saying don't listen to them. i'm not saying don't go to them for support or love. i'm saying, don't let them tell you what you're feeling. don't let them tell you what your man is feeling. don't let them control or critique your relationship. yes, he may not be into you to them. may need someone to wake you up and make you open YOUR eyes. but the only way for you to take responsibility for your decisions is for you to be in control of your decisions. you have to make that choice. you have to feel that way. you have to take everything into account. weigh all the pros vs. cons. if your girls don't like your man? so the fuck what? if you love him. if it's a healthy relationship for you. if you can see a life with him. fuck them. fuck what they think. never live your life for what your friends think is best for you or be with the guy your friends think are best for you. you're the one who has to be with him. you're the one when everyone is gone home who will be sitting there alone. don't let them lead you down a lonely road. friends are there for you no matter what. even if they hate your dude. think you could do better. they are gonna still be there for you regardless. so just roll with it. don't justify your relationship or liking a guy so your friends will be cool. they aren't gonna be fucking him, are they?

#2: Stop chasing unavailable men...

if a man has a girlfriend. if a man has a jump-off. if he's married..leave his ass alone. don't think you're gonna change his situation. or he's gonna see that your all he's every wanted and make your dreams come true. if he leaves his "now" situation for you..then he'll leave you "later". loyalty is a great trait. it's something that you can't count on if a guy shows you in the beginning that he doesn't have it. don't trust a dude who tells you his wife just doesn't understand him. he's just with his girl because of the kids. he's leaving her as soon as he gets his situation straight. don't fall into the illusion that you'll be any different. don't stand by, wait, or tolerate being second, third, forth, get where i'm going with this?

if he's heavy into his career. if he's too busy with his friends. if you are chasing him..leave him alone. guys will chase you. if he wants you, if he's interested..he's gonna make that clear. it's okay to be patient, but there is a time where patient becomes stupid. make sure that the guy you're waiting on has concrete intentions to be with you. if he's just busy right now, fine. i know how that is. if he's just under a lot of stress, fine. i know how that is. if he's being pulled eighty-seven different ways, fine. i know how that is. but if he shows no interest in you at all...leave him alone. i get crazy busy at times. sometimes months at a time. i've neglected women who have been in my life. but i've always found time to give them in some way. if we aren't seeing each other, we're always talking. she can always hit me up. i'll go without sleep to talk to her. i'm not forgetting her birthday or special days. there is a limit on how much room you get when you're busy. i'm not perfect...most my girlfriends will tell you that. but i try. and my effort is always there. ladies, make sure you see some effort. don't waste your life on someone who isn't trying to give you any of theirs.

#1: Don't be afraid of love, relationships, & to trust..

don't be afraid to try. don't be afraid to love. don't be afraid to be open. don't be afraid to trust. don't be afraid to be taken care of. don't be afraid.

need me to say it again: DON'T BE AFRAID.

i have a painting in my game room that reads.."nothing beats a miss, but a try". you'll never know what life has in store for you. or what you can have with someone until you open yourself up to it. and i know it's a hard thing to do. but seriously, think about your dream relationship. you want to have the comfort of loving someone. knowing they love you. sharing everything with them. trusting take care of you, to love you, to be faithful. you can't have that unless you let someone in. you can't have that unless you open yourself up. it takes that first step. everything you want from a man, believe it or not he wants from you. but if you're not giving it to him, you can't expect to receive it back. if you don't trust him. if you're closed off to the idea of things. if you have "issues" that get in a way of you being completely honest about your feelings. you're holding back that 100% feeling that when it's present it's overwhelming. seriously. when you meet someone and you feel like you can be yourself. like you can confide in them. you can trust them. you connect with them. it's like nothing you've ever experienced. but it's not a one way street. you can't expect to get that if you're not giving that.

i'm not saying you have to be completely free of issues. you have to lay everything on the line. i'm saying if it feels right, take that leap. you can't be afraid of everyone & everything..forever. at some point you have to trust in your judgment, in your heart, & in God to see you through. it hurts to lose love. it hurts to be wrong. but if it is right...the reward will right all hurt & all wrong. give the dude a chance. give yourself a chance. give love a chance.

(next week question courtesy of beyond danielle)


birdie said...

I feel you, it’s a great list. I’ll admit to making some of these mistakes. But it’s hard to break the cycle.

insushiwetrust said...

whew....number 2 number 2...had to learn the hard way there is a world of difference between "single" & "available"...

#5 is different...everyone is who they are because of where they've been & how they've chosen to react to it. some people will see a man who grew up fatherless & his need to always be in control as "baggage". someone else will be glad that he's a "real man".

maybe it's a question of degrees, i dunno...

#4 is double-edged. because on the other hand you have people so open-minded they don't realize that they actually should have a list.

#3 is very true. i think people need to learn how to be friends to ppl in problematic relationships.

#1 is...more than a notion, lol.

anyway thanks for posting! i definitely needed to re-hear #2, lol. and i need to brush up my "list"

sunshinestar110 said...

awwww I'm sad that this series is ending *wipes tears* and these I shall email to all my friends because some don't recognize where they go wrong at or hate to admit it.

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@birdie: thank you. and i know it's hard to break any cycle. the thing is we all make mistakes. we all see things differently the first time. what makes up for it is learning from your mistake and avoiding it the second time.

@insushiwetrust:thanks for the questions. gave me a lot to think on. and as you see from the comment below other ladies have appreciated the questions as well. hope i was able to give a few varying answers. glad you liked #2. and i agree, a lot more than a notion. lol

@sunshinestar110: it's the end of insushiwetrust questions for me, but not the end of manfive. so keep checking back. and glad i can help out some of your friends. trying to arm you ladies with the weapon of bullshiterry protective shields.


PB said...

Great points!! I am guilty of making some of these mistakes, especially the list. You are so correct when you say lists minimize the pool. Love this!!