Wednesday, November 4, 2009

ManFive #16

as stated last week, i'm sea-bound as of today. so manfive friday is manfive thursday this week.

ManFive topic of the week: why is it so hard for us to be friends with our ex...

i know a lot of women who sit around wondering if their ex, still thinks bout them. they wonder why he won't be friends, why he can't come around, or just call sometime. the gene of cutting shit off is different in men & women. women cut shit off when the emotion fades or passion dies. men cut shit off when the benefits fade or when they don't want or know how deal with something. a lot of times it's something you can't understand.

five reasons why i can't be my ex's friend...

#5: it's a different relationship. . .
"if i wanted to be just your friend, i wouldn't have ever gotten with you."

that line was actually courtesy of one of my ex's. yea, she's an asshole. but i guess it's true. you hear of all the dudes stuck in the "friend zone". they really are just there cause the chick just wants to be friends. but after a relationship how do you go back to that? after you've slept together, shared together, do you go back to a fraction of that relationship? how do you act? what do you say? when do you call? it's like you're dealing with a completely different person. it "feels" the same, but you know it's not.

#4: we hate you, it opens up old wounds & feelings...

if every time i look at you i want to punch you in the face, we can't be friends. and seriously, before my "X - mrs. " i had never had that much anger for someone in my life. but every time i look at her i remember why we aren't together. what she did to make that happen. and it just pisses me off to a point you can't believe. because it just keeps replaying in my mind. she doesn't have to say a word. she could even be nice towards me. it doesn't matter. her face triggers, her voice, even her name does something to me. sometimes the hurt goes so deep that you can't get past it. we HAVE to maintain a relationship because we share a child. which makes it a trillion, billion, zillion times harder. trust me.

#3: we don't wanna hear about your new man...

like my dude 100K is always saying, "there is something wrong if she telling me about her new dude". shit, he's right. you might as well have a purse because she treating you like a girlfriend now. just because YALL wanna hear about our new chick, don't mean we want to hear about your new dude. but wait, let me point out the difference first. if we're together, and you messing with somebody else. yea, tell me about that shit. but if we aren't..i don't care if that ninja got you bent over the grill getting you 673 different ways while cooking you dinner. i don't wanna hear that shit. i don't care you met someone. i don't care you're dating. i don't wanna hear about NOTHING you doing with nobody else. cause i'm forever "fuck that dude". don't matter how nice he is. don't matter if he treating you good. don't matter if he beating your ass. i don't like him, nor will i ever like him. cause once you've claimed the "cave". you don't like none of the new residents "moving- in".

#2: we still wanna fuck...

and you don't want to. lol. yanno the natural transition is to ween yourself off right? and after you've been with someone. they know you, you know them. yall body's didn't break up, just your hearts. he still wanna come through and give you some vitamin D. and a lot of times yall don't have any problem with that. yall be trying to give him that Vitamin V, because you're not trying to run out there and be with just anyone right after you break up. but we all know, that shit is not good. i mean the sex is...but actually being with someone sans the relationship with feelings still out there is not cool. follow this equation ladies:

you + me = no sex + hurt feelings / past issues = no friendship

#1: we still like, love, have feelings for you, or all of the above. . .

it's hard to shake your feelings. women just tend to express theirs more openly. she you may never know how shook the dude really is. you may never know how much he's hurting. or how much he misses you. the objective is to have a poker face. never let her know how much she's affecting you. never let her know how bad you're hurting. act like you don't care. act like you've moved on. it's hard to put on an act in front of someone who knows you. in fact i hate when a chick can look at my face and tell what's on my mind. seriously. if i'm sad, mad, something is bothering me, if i wanna laugh, if i'm nervous. once you've been around someone long enough and they know you. it's hard to hide how you feel. and coming around someone and them knowing how much it bothers you that you're not with them, makes you feel self conscious. it's weird. it's uncomfortable. we can't be friends because you can see it on my face, hear it in my voice, tell by my actions that i still want you. i still love you. and i still want to be with you.

that shit ain't cool..


Beyond Danielle said...

"wer can't be friends because you can see it on my face, hear it in my voice, tell by my actions that I still want you"---

I'm a sucker for that

Cyn said...

I can pretty much be friends with my exes... even my ex husband... but I got one on him... my manfriend is his BFF HA! I can completely agree with #1. I've only truely been in love twice and I've dated more men than I can keep track of. When it comes to my second and last love, It's painful. I now ignore his calls and texts. I still think about him a lot and THANK GOD he lives 5 hours away.

~Sheila~ said...

"i know a lot of women who sit around wondering if their ex, still thinks bout them. they wonder why he won't be friends, why he can't come around, or just call sometime."

THANK GOD that isn't me.
I mean, I guess at one time I wondered what ever happened to him after I met Angel but then I go back to the time when we were getting ready to go out on New Year's Eve (I bought him a nice suit and myself a nice dress) and that was the time he chose to tell me that he was screwing around.
We dated off and on for a few months but it was never the same. Then I met Angel and I cut him off forever.
My Ex cried out (after I told him I was seeing someone else) "WHY? WHAT DID I DO?"
You serious?
Get gone, dude.

Another one of my exes (who broke up with me because he didn't like the idea that I had a kid) hooked up with an Ex friend of mine (who happened to already have a kid) and they got married. Their marriage is in shambles and I ran into him several years ago. He looked regretful because I'm not the one with a bitter and spiteful spouse.

EH...You reep what you sow.

Truthfully, I don't give a damn how my Exes are or what they are doing. I'm just glad they aren't doing better than I am.

Mel said...

I am actually still good friends with my first ex. We chat often.

100K said...

Being a friend with an ex is pointless to me for the most part. If i am, its usually because there's something on my end and i feel that there's something on her end that i feel can grow into something bigger down the line.

Or, i just need some convenient ass.

I DONT CARE about the new dudes in her life. I dont care about her problems. I dont want to hang out with her then have that awkward feeling you get when a fine girl walks by then your ex is like "go talk to her, you know you want to..". I simply dont care. I rarely talk to girls after we "breakup" (I date a LOT, lack of exp with real relationships)...unless i know there's something there I can play with..

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@beyond danielle: a sucker for doing it, or a sucker for someone doing that to you?

@cyn: i can pretty much be friends w/ my ex's too, but all mine tend to come back and try to be with me. so that kinda ruins the friend part. lol @ you've dated more men then you can keep track of...

@sheila: yea, i'm not too much of a ex-stalker. i pretty much leave them alone after i'm done with them. a lot of them i have to leave alone so they can be done with me. i don't ever wish bad shit on exes but i think you reap what you sow.

@mel: well that's great. lol. exactly what do you chat about?

@100k: dude..what chicks you walking with telling you it's okay to go holla at another chick? i have NEVER encounter one of those mysterious rare chicks. cause ever chick i've dated would kill me dead if i went and talk to a chick in front of them. it's not even a "i want you.." type thing they just get that glassy glossy doe eye look. serious. if they think i got a new chick, they ask me with the saddest face in the world.


Mel said...

@TUN: We chat about everything. It's not awkward.

And I have no clue where the 2nd & 3rd exes are. I think one is married and another lives in Washington state. The 4th, I couldn't care less.

(Note: That last statement is a complete and total lie. #dontjudgeme)

Question: How was this ManFive Friday on Thursday when the date clearly says WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 4TH? #justsayin

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@mel: my clock on this blog is off. i wrote it on wednesday. i posted it on thursday. it says wednesday, because i posted it early thursday but it thinks i posted it early wednesday...jerk.


Mel said...

No, no jerk over here. Didn't know your clock was off. Just trying to help. That's all.

Might have the wrong time zone selected or something.

But trust, I can be a real jerk if need be.

100K said...

Its more's like a bait....

i had lunch with a old girl i dated and she asked me about other women im dating..i dont think she liked my answer lol...

like they wanna see how you react

insushiwetrust said...

this made me think of reasons why women (well, i) can't be friends with exes

1) if you were an asshole when we dated, you'll probably be an asshole as a friend. or in general, the reason why we broke up is the same reason why we probably can't be friends--whether that reason is general assholelishness, lying, usery, selfishness, anger management issues, etc.
OR because every time we interact, i'm reminded of all the reasons i'm glad we broke up

2) because you can't handle the "with benefits" part of the friendship & start getting all territorial, jealous, & things start deteriorating into some sick power struggle that has nothing to do with friendship or benefits.

3) pt. A you don't really want to be friends. if you're coming back around it's for 1 of 2 reasons. you either wanna fuck me again. or you're scamming on one of my friends and you want the ok.

Pt. B you mistake forgiveness for a lingering flame. i tell you i've gotten over the terrible things you've done, maybe even apologized for my own terrible things and am at peace with the situation. somehow, for you, this computes as: i still love you/would do you. so now you're viewing me as fair game, when i'm viewing you as old news.

4) your version of "friendship" really means we only talk because you want someone to give you "women" advice.

5) a mutual friend, who knew me before we ever got together is interested...and i'm interested too...probably the same friend who told me you were an asshole in the 1st place. gotta maintain a comfortable distance, otherwise shit just gets weird.

anyway i just made this up and i feel like i sound really cynical. 1 of my exes just decided we should be friends. i don't. he thinks it's because i'm mad. i'm just mad at myself for having dated him for so long.

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@mel: ok, and why is your blog closed?

@100k: no they wanna know your business. i've found even if a chick has moved on if she still has any feelings for you she don't wanna see you with no one. even if she's married. she don't want you to be dating, married or even talking to other chicks. it don't matter what they say. how cool they say they are with it. the only time they can be happy for you, is when all feeling is gone.


(1) i agree.

(2) i agree. but i feel like once the relationship threshold has been crossed it's hard to do the "with benefits" and not get jealous, territorial, or fall back into "feeling" like yall are back together.

(3)i so feel you on the "you think forgiviness means i'm at peace with the terrible things you did". you have no idea how much i feel you on this.

(4)i agree. this is so retarded. especially if you broke up with me. why-tf do i want to be your new advisor and shit.

(5) that's just wrong. i believe there is always a need for distance cause that "asshole" will probably be telling you the same thing about the mutual friend cause that seems like a "i was just trying to get at you anyway.." situation.

thanks for the comment- you really read and take time to reply. i appreciate that.

**Ms. P** said...

A lot of my readers and friends say that they still sleep with their exes when they break up. That's something i don't get. I can be your friend after we take a calm down break and let our feelings/emotions die down (unless they're already dead depending on why you broke up) and then everything is gravy. I remember when my ex told me about his new gf. I wanted to meet her, if we're over, we're over; I'm not going to repeat you. It DID get a little wierd when he asked me who was better..awkward
-Single Girl in San Diego