Friday, November 13, 2009

i want. . .

i find myself in a situation where i know what i'm want, but i'm just frustrated i can't have it. at least not the way i want it.

may even be what influences most of my blog rants, twitter tweets, text assaults to my friends. i think it's pure frustration. it's like if something is always on your mind, heavy on your heart, on the tip of your tongue. yet, you feel like you can't say it. no one will understand. it just gets twisted and turned around on you. you're where i'm at right now. i know a lot of times it sounds like i'm being a punk about shit. i'm really not a punk.

i'm just a good guy who is past the games. past the informality. i don't have to see all the colors in the crayon box to know all i want is the brown one. i don't have to see all the cards in your hand, to know that all i want is the ace of spades. i know what i want.

i want to be happy
i want someone to love me
i want her eyes to light up when she sees me
i want her to jump over the couch, knock over the dishes, almost break her neck running to the phone when i call..cause she can't wait to talk to me
i want her thoughts to be my thoughts
her breath to be my breath
my step to be the direction she's headed in and is happy to follow
i want our fights to be stupid, so stupid that we agree and move on
our issues to be solved
i want her to hear me without even speaking a word
to listen to everything, not just what she wants to hear
to respect me
not just because she likes me, love me
but because it's deserved
i want to earn her love
and her to allow me to earn hers
claim me
not just when we're together or confronted
but because there isn't a person she'd be ashamed to say, "this is my man" to
be my best friend
first & last person i come to with everything
i want her to want me
in every sense of of the word, not just pick & choose the best qualities
because she loves my flaws
she loves my imperfections
she realizes it's what makes me me
doesn't judge me
or change me
unless it's for the better
and even still, it's with love. . .
i want her to see through the material things
see me through my skin, my bones.. focus on my soul
disregard the sickness, ailments, fat pockets that come with age
disregard the attitudes that pop up from no where
i want her to know that the way i care
that i love someone
that no one could ever change that
but her.
she is in control.
she has the remote.
i'm just her toy

stop playing with me. damn.


Teenage Years. said...

thanks for voicing my most inner thoughts. It's like everybody who's in a relationship is like 'Just wait, good things come to those who wait' even as I posted a blog I got the same answers. But they don't get it. I don't have an answer or some advice, I'm just saying, I FEEL YOU!

Beyond Danielle said...

Patience is the answer you have to know someone for a long time to get where you want to be. Alot of getting to know your mate. And alot of working things out.

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@teenage years: no thanks needed. i just feel like screaming that shit at strangers and shit. i believe in, good things coming to those who wait. but at the same time, if i'm claiming you should be claiming too right?

thanks for feeling me. (in that blog sorta way, of course lol)

@beyond danielle: trust me, patience is not the issue.

insushiwetrust said...

you seem like a good person who is able to see outside of himself, willing to compromise, & like you have a lot to offer. you also seem like your packaging is nice which, although aesthetic, is important to most seeing people. so i agree with your own comment, that good things come to those who wait. keep hope alive, my brother. i don't wanna read too much into your post so this could be irrelevant,
but when i see people who seem like they would be the BEST man/woman for someone & their love life still isn't turning out the way they'd like, i think maybe it means that there are more pressing things in life to focus on. or the whole "looking for love in all the wrong places" thing. but i think the former moreso than the latter.

that aside, i felt like i related to most of the things you said, especially in light of a recent development/disappointment in my own love life. but i think in my case, there are definitely other things that i need to focus on before i think i can build a life with someone.

anywho, i hope you find what you're looking for and that you're well!

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@insushiwetrust: thanks ice. i feel you on the more pressing things. but for me, it's all the pressing things that i'm forced to focus on that this SHOULDN'T be one, which is what makes it the most frustrating. it's like let's have one part of my life that i am doing right & should have control of, do right by me. that's not too much of a request is it? i'm a lover who isn't opposed to fighting. meaning if you care enough you'll fight for it. why is that deemed wrong? it's like it's not that i'm "too" invested, it's that you're not invested enough. not saying i need a wife, kids, pickett fence stat. just saying that if i'm treating you great, you shouldn't be treating me "alright".

have a much longer response, but think i'll just tie it into my next blog.

druhil4lif said...

Oh wow... so much I want to say in reply to this post but I'm all typed out from my own journaling [and I don't think I want my thoughts in a comment anyway]. You'll have to remind me to email you my reply...