Friday, October 30, 2009

ManFive #15

friday already? shit. i've been posting all week. just trying to leave yall with something before i sail away next week. so i will either hit yall up with ManFive early or write it and delay posting till some random time on friday.

this week's manfive topic: why do men fear labels?

yanno when everything seems like it's going good. yall are both in sync. headed in the same direction, and you whip out, "this is my boyfriend on him..." and you hear the tire screech sound. you smile turn your head towards him, and he's no longer standing next to you. you thought you were holding onto his arm, but when you look it's a cherry coke. dude is like half way across town already. what is that?

personally, i'm pro labels. i hate when there isn't a label on what i'm in. i don't have to be your boyfriend, but if we're talking..i need to be at least, "the guy i'm talking to.." shit the way i feel about ladies these days i should be doing why chicks fear labels. but i'm clueless on that one because that's just weird. yes, you women who fear labels are weird. i'm gonna take your "lady" badge and give it to one of these dudes who've been dying to have one. lol.

anyway, onto five reasons why men fear labels:

#5: he's doesn't agree with the label you've given him...

this guy, knows he's in the "friend zone" but he wants to be your boyfriend. and he knows the second you say, "you're such a great friend" he now has the label "friend" and not "boyfriend". it's awkward at times to wait for an official label. because no matter the label you give yourself once a woman designates that shit and gives you one you're sitting there like....DAMN. you could think yall fuck buddies. then she turn around and hit you with, this is my "boyfriend". huh? he knows no matter what he considers himself once you've designated him a label he can't get back to the one he picked himself. so he'd rather be left unlabeled then be given one.

#4: he's scared of change...

this is the dude i mentioned before. where everything is going good. yall have been moving in the same direction. his friends like you, his mama likes you. he enjoys being with you, near you, talking to you...but he knows as soon as yall put a label on it yall transform into a "marry-me" bot. it's the reason the transformers are always leaving Cybertron to come to earth. they don't really wanna save us, they just got to get away from those darn "marry-me" bots. you see to a man even though it's a natural progression to that stage you putting a label on something that's going so good scares him. it's like....we're fine the way we are. it then becomes a, "let's not rush" thing. it's a critical move that once made, you can't go back on.

#3: he's scared of being locked-up (missing out)...

to a lot of guys the feeling of being your boyfriend, feels great. he actually wants to be your boyfriend. he likes your company. he enjoys everything about you. it's just a cruel trick God plays on you. because as you know as soon as you get a girlfriend or married that's when everyone come out the wood works wanting you. that's when that sexy chick at work comes over and gives you that smirk, bends over picks up some paper with no panties on. that's when women at the grocery store run down the aisle asking you to squeeze their melons, taste their peaches, & they start to get a little suggestive with your banana. that's when you're walking down the street and a woman just randomly grabs you and starts giving it to you at the pedestrian crossing. it's an ego thing. it's the thought that because he has a title, he is missing out on all the sexy young ladies who probably wouldn't talk, fuck with, or even give him the time of day. but don't tell him that, cause that work, grocery store, crosswalk thing is SO gonna happen.

#2: he's scared of the expectation that comes with it...

it's no secret responsibility scares men. shit responsibility scares everyone: men, women, children, horses, etc.. the only people who love responsibility are filthy nasty dogs. yes i hate dogs. but i digress..

the expectation a lot of times is what scares a man from wanting to commit to being your man. this is for the more serious labels, like husband, father, provider, etc. some men want to revert back to boys in these situation. they aren't ready. it's just too much pressure. in most cases it's not you, it's them. and i know when they say that shit to you, you're side eyeing them like crazy. but i'm saying. it really is them. just like a little boy who puts on his dads clothes. he wants to look, talk, and walk like him, but he isn't ready to step into and fill man shoes. it's not as easy as it seems.

#1: he's scared of failure..

men like to win. that's why we are so competitive. and when you really love your woman. you don't want to let her down. the fears that come with commitment. with opening yourself up. with letting all the fake shit go, and being real with someone. it's scary. women are built emotion tough. we aren't. we hide our emotion all the time. the fear of losing. especially of losing you is crazy. the fear of not being good enough. the fear of not knowing how. this creates enough pressure to through a dude into a panic attack. he could be carrying around issues from previous relationships. he could be carrying around not having a father and not thinking he can be a good father or husband because of that. there are a lot of things associated with labels. a lot of times you think it's simple. a title is just a title. it's just a piece of paper. it's just a baby. but in reality it's life. it's a part of uncharted life that you have to be ready to make that leap. it may take some coaxing, but the right woman will make it an easy transition.


insushiwetrust said...

your comment you made that was somethin like "with chicks these days i should make a post about why women are afraid of titles"...

i think a lot of patterns in hetero relationships that typically get assigned to 1 gender vs. the other have to do with sexism/power dynamics. this will sound general cuz i don't wanna be all imposing on ur comment box but basically we're now at a place where there plenty of women who want to be in a relationship but view their personal & professional development as more important than having a certain kind of relationship with anybody in particular.

couple that with the fact that a lot of men's version of "success" means having a woman by their side...

you find more scenarios where it's the men that are harping on titles b/c they can't handle the uncertainty of an undefined relationship.

anyway, #s 2, 4, & 5 are why i'm real hesitant with titles. 5 & 2 are intertwined.

i'm not going to agree that i'm your girlfriend if to you, being your girlfriend means: you feel like you need to be going through my phone, i'm supposed to cook for you. i'm the 1st person you come to when you have a problem. etc.

just because those & plenty of other things are things you really have to earn, overtime. and if we're still at the point where i'm turning up my nose at the word "girlfriend" you clearly haven't earned it.

people use titles like outlines you put on a relationship and then as things progress you color it in.

my natural inclination is the let things progress naturally and initially things may look really undefined but after awhile things kinda take their own shape and you can just call it out for what it is, and if you want a clearer definition, at least you already have some substance to work with instead of each person having these expectations that may have nothing to do with the person you're involved with.

#4 goes with that too...
it's like everything is fine when we're just kickin it or all of a sudden you're my "boyfriend" and now you wanna know about my male friends, if i used to fuck any of them, how often we talk, why i didn't answer the phone, or now you wanna pick at things i do that annoy you but before you were never saying shit...

obviously this doesn't happen all the time but speaking generally, this is why i've been opposed to titles and in favor of discussions & shared understandings.

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@insushiwetrust: i find it interesting when you say "women want to be in relationships but view personal & professional development as more important."

that's what's wrong. and not to sound sexist, but that's exactly why so many women are alone. it's the same thing for men, difference we don't care if we're single past 40. but that selfishness was exclusively our problem. that's what we didn't get, that personal relationships with our spouse are supposed to be more important then every other relationship. now women have adapted the same wrong attitude we had. i complain about it all the time. not that i want a woman bare foot and pregnant in the kitchen. but i want a woman who deems me more important then her career. because to be fair, women want you to deem them more important than yours.

the difference between men & women in this instance is. men want a career to provide for their family. their family is their family's success. women are more, "me, me, me". they want to satisify personal goals, that only benefit themselves. there is a difference between a woman who is working to help take care of her household, and one who is being selfish in the name of not be the submissive partner.

but i feel you on everything else. but the thing that bothers me about "earning titles" is that people act like you're their boyfriend before they'll call you their boyfriend. don't tell me you love me & want to be with me, but can't call me your boyfriend. play your role, and i'll play mine.

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Cyn said...

Totally DIG this blog. I, personally, fear lables and yet at the same time, I need them. I know its totally wrong on my part but only when I feel "needy" do I want the label otherwise,to me, we're "Just FRIENDS". I dont like to be tied down and I like to keep my options open. I think my past experiences brought this out of me (not that its a valid excuse or one that I use all the time), but after commiting yourself to someone for many years and it just fall apart you see things in a different light. I think its a defense mechanism. That's just me.

100K said...

I personally think titles are a tossup. I love my freedom and being 23, I've accepted that I have before and will make some bad dating decisions. The issue with titles for me is finding a girl worthy of the title of being my "girlfriend". When you meet someone, you tend to meet their stunt double. You don't see their bad habits, their flaws etc. I purposely go against all of that. I believe in showing people "me" because I believe in being upfront. Its like a car salesman showing you everything that's right/wrong with a car before they sell it. Also, my attention span for a lot of the females I've met is ridiculously short. I could be dating a girl for a while and then get bored then just stop talking to her. And because we don't have a title yet, I don't owe her an explanation. If we were friends (usually not the case because I don't date my female friends), it is what it is. To put it simple: "Ladies, I love ya'll but I love my freedom more."...then add to the fact that I do my thing and consider myself a rising I gotta deal with girls wanting to be the one on my side when I started. I don't put an ulterior motive past any girl I meet and I don't say shit about my professional life. Then I gotta deal with if said girl is a ho or not and that's a battle in itself. Its a lotta stuff about labels. I just don't like the title. Its limiting. Girls alwasy ask how I feel about relationships and I say "Its no rush..whatever's gonna happen will happen"..which means "I have about two other females I'm talking to (for insurance sake)". They don't tell you about the "friends" they have so why should you tell them about the other girls?

*almost coincidentally, "Upgrade U" comes on my Ipod*

insushiwetrust said...

well i obviously can only speak on my experience but i think the majority of people--male or female--who i said are more focused on "their personal and professional development" are doing it unselfishly.
i know you can continue to be successful professional as a spouse and parent, but i just personally would rather get off the ground as single person and then feel like i have a foundation by the time i'm trying to start a life with somebody.

i mean it basically boils down to wanting to really have "something to offer" by the time you're really trying to be with somebody and start a family.
and also feeling like you've seen some of life and can actually say you know you are ready to settle down, cuz you've had your time to be young and dumb and are kind of over it.

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@jwork: appreciate man. i'ma check yours out.

@cyn: i understand where you're coming from. but just like you say, "i don't like to be tied down". that's just to that particular person. imagine you meet a person you want to be tied down to, and they in turn don't want to be tied down t you. imagine that feeling, when dealing with them & labels. that's what i'm saying. people get to into what they want & don't want and don't realize that actually being with someone requires compromise of personal issues that you may have to let go. people want to be in a relationship, but not really be in a relationship.

@100k: your thing is you just want to be free, period. you don't want a chick holding you back. you have to the place where you want to be with someone for you to actually give them a chance. because no one is gonna show you their flaws upfront (on purpose). it's like you're looking for a way to disqualify them out the gate. i believe in knowing how you're dealing with, but at the same time you gotta give them a chance. the type of relationships you're having with these chicks is the type that you're making with them. you're not gonna find that #1 girl who's all about you, till you make it all about her. and shit, you may be wrong...(it happened to me) but if you never try, you won't know.

@insushiwetrust: i get where you're coming from. i don't think it's unselfishly. in order to get to where you need/want to be you have to be for self. hence: selfish. you have to think what's best for you. what's YOUR best move. what's YOUR best options. what is going to benefit YOU more. nothing wrong with that. i just believe that before you try to be with someone who is thinking, "We" you need to have "YOU" out the way. men tend to have "YOU" out the way because before a woman will take you serious and think about settling down with you she wants you to be established. men don't require that as much with women. meaning, when a woman is still trying to take care of her "YOU's" in the relationship it gets in the way of "us". that's all i mean. not throwing no shade in the female hustle. just saying, that yall still be trying to hustle for yourself in the relationship. yall also delay the process of family while you're hustling. you may be ready for a husband. but you don't want kids. you maybe ready for kids, but you only have time for 1. because it's "your" body, you are controller of when and how many times. meaning "our" family has to wait on "you".

~Sheila~ said...

Obviously this post is for those single people. Us married people have our own labels like..ball and chain..dead man/woman walking..etc.
Naw, I'm just kidding.
I remember when I was younger (yes, I can think back that far)I was always afraid of labels because I never heard the one I wanted. I was always just Sheila.