Monday, November 30, 2009

hi, i'm jelly man!

okay, i admit. i'm a bit squishier then i used to be. i admit that when i get out the shower the birds don't fly in the window and whistle anymore. i admit that if i went to the beach right now stripped down to my trunks the ladies wouldn't strip off their tops and show me their titties like they used to. me washing my car shirtless & sweaty doesn't bring the girls to the yard like it once did. even my mountain fan club that used to cat call me when i ran by them on my 5 mile run, aren't screaming as loud.

what is going on? where did it all go? the admiration. the automatic sex appeal. why is fat sexy for women but not men? why can't i find a woman who thinks more cushion should lead to more pushin'? i admit. i used to be all about the shameless displays of chiseled abs. i used to invite the ladies to the gun show daily. i'd be the first person out my clothes and into yours. now, eh...not so much.

it's not even age. i don't think. it's not even complete laziness. i admit. i have a poor diet. always have. i don't eat vegetables, i think i'm allergic. not a fan of sugar free anything or portion control for that matter. i don't like exercise. never had to do it before. one great thing about being black w/ a good can look like you workout when you really don't do shit. yet..somewhere. someway. i dunno. i blame it on the 'roids. and now i wasn't taking them to increase muscle mass. i was taking them for health reasons. but ever since those things were introduced to my body....Jesus Christ! now i'm in the limbo between working off the weight or just disappearing into the sea and becoming jelly man. and being jelly man doesn't sound that bad, cept the fact that my chick hates jelly. times like this is when you need to be with a fat person who'd appreciate your slim jelly. or at least someone more jelly than you. if your the jelliest in the relationship there is always room to poke fun at you.

currently my dudes have been trying to get me to go to the gym with them. they are all gym heads. who live in the gym. yanno my theory. don't no man have time to be in the gym like that unless they are in prison or gay. but these dudes try to prove me wrong. *whispers*...they might be gay (just saying!) lol. but they are on a crusade to save me from being jelly man. my chick is always hitting me with the, "you going running today" shit. no matter where i go ppl are trying to turn me out. don't turn me out. just love me.

jelly needs love too!


★Starrla Monae☆ said...

Oh puhlease at the fat being sexy for women comment! You guys are way more stringent with us in terms of how much we weigh so don't even! LOL. Let us gain even 5 lbs and all of a sudden it's "Dang baby, you gettin' kinda thick".....and no we don't think being called thick is cute. Our brain translates that as FAT! Next time your girl mentions if you are going running today, ask her if she'd like to tag along....not meaning that she needs to lose weight too but just as support! I feel like if you want me slim and trim, the least you can do is help me get there!

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

listen i don't have problems with weight w/ the ladies. if you're "thick" when i hollar, i'm not trying to change that. if your not i'm not gonna trip if you gain. i really don't care about weight like that. it's something that can come & go. it's not gonna change the person.

and if i asked her to go running with me, she'd go. the problem isn't her doing it with me. the problem is, that's all she'd want to do to ensure i did it. and i don't really feel like doing that shit.