ever had someone make up your mind for you? it happens to me all the time. in fact for as long as i can remember it's been happening to me. i remember when i was younger and i wanted to play baseball instead of going to college. idea NIXED
i remember when i wanted to major in music and pursue what my parents considered a hobby full time, but was pushed into working on a plan A because that was only a plan B. idea NIXED
i remember after working a year as an computer engineer and telling my parents i had a chance to work in music. that i actually had a chance to do what i loved full time, make a living, and be happy. they didn't NIX my idea, but they weren't convinced. it took time to show them that it was real. it took time for them to understand that my hobby was really computers, and music was where my heart was and had always been. either way. they had a lot of control over what i did & didn't do. even as an adult.
i later got married and everyone knows when you get married you are no longer in control of your life. everything was automatically NIXED from inception of thought. unless it was her idea too. after we split. my mom resumed the "NIXER" of all my idea role. she began coddling me because she feared me being "lonely". but her coddling turned into "protecting" again, which she's always been too good at. so it leads me to decisions about my health now. and everyone in my life...is making up my mind for me. it's like to them, it makes them feel better. it will make them be able to sleep better at night. but for me, not so much. i'm a logical person. things always need to make sense to me.
when someone says, "there is no guarantee" i automatically discredit anything else they have to say that would warrant a "it's gonna make it better". if there is no guarantee, you can not tell me it's gonna be better. logically, that doesn't make sense. it means that it could go both ways. it COULD get better, or it COULD get worse. i know this all seems cryptic and doesn't make sense. i guess what i'm trying to say is, i'm making a decision this week that EVERYONE else wants me to make. it's not one i'm sold on. it's not one i'm happy about. it's something that will effect me for the rest of my life. and it just pisses me off that no one cares that i don't want to do it. i haven't made up my mind to do it. i've made up YOUR mind, that i'm gonna do it. i wanna go kick rocks at every single person who has convinced me that this is the best choice for me. and i swear on everything if it turns out this shit doesn't work, i'm looking for every last one of yall. and it's gonna be on!