Monday, November 30, 2009

make up ("MY") your mind.

ever had someone make up your mind for you? it happens to me all the time. in fact for as long as i can remember it's been happening to me. i remember when i was younger and i wanted to play baseball instead of going to college. idea NIXED

i remember when i wanted to major in music and pursue what my parents considered a hobby full time, but was pushed into working on a plan A because that was only a plan B. idea NIXED

i remember after working a year as an computer engineer and telling my parents i had a chance to work in music. that i actually had a chance to do what i loved full time, make a living, and be happy. they didn't NIX my idea, but they weren't convinced. it took time to show them that it was real. it took time for them to understand that my hobby was really computers, and music was where my heart was and had always been. either way. they had a lot of control over what i did & didn't do. even as an adult.

i later got married and everyone knows when you get married you are no longer in control of your life. everything was automatically NIXED from inception of thought. unless it was her idea too. after we split. my mom resumed the "NIXER" of all my idea role. she began coddling me because she feared me being "lonely". but her coddling turned into "protecting" again, which she's always been too good at. so it leads me to decisions about my health now. and everyone in my life...is making up my mind for me. it's like to them, it makes them feel better. it will make them be able to sleep better at night. but for me, not so much. i'm a logical person. things always need to make sense to me.

when someone says, "there is no guarantee" i automatically discredit anything else they have to say that would warrant a "it's gonna make it better". if there is no guarantee, you can not tell me it's gonna be better. logically, that doesn't make sense. it means that it could go both ways. it COULD get better, or it COULD get worse. i know this all seems cryptic and doesn't make sense. i guess what i'm trying to say is, i'm making a decision this week that EVERYONE else wants me to make. it's not one i'm sold on. it's not one i'm happy about. it's something that will effect me for the rest of my life. and it just pisses me off that no one cares that i don't want to do it. i haven't made up my mind to do it. i've made up YOUR mind, that i'm gonna do it. i wanna go kick rocks at every single person who has convinced me that this is the best choice for me. and i swear on everything if it turns out this shit doesn't work, i'm looking for every last one of yall. and it's gonna be on!

5 comments:

druhil4lif said...

I've been meaning to ask you about this! Since I know you don't want to do it, but will do it for everyone else, all I'm going to say is... Have FAITH. :-) [Everything has to be okay, because even though I said you can blame me if it's not, I can NOT be to blame lol]

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@druhil4lif: yup yup..thanks. yanno i have to get that pep talk again later. then again. then again.

★Starrla Monae☆ said...

Being that you mentioned your health....are you being stubborn to the input of those who care about you???? Lol. If so, take their words into consideration. I'm sure they only want to see you prosper and their aggressive opinions are the only way they see fit to get through to you.

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@starrla monae: i'm not being stubborn, they are. no one wants me to feel better worse then me. it's one of those things where someone says, "take this...it may help".

they don't say, "take this, it'll help". or "take this...you'll feel better". it's preventive situation, not a "make better" situation. everyone seems to think the latter, when i'm looking at the truth. if i'm the one who has to deal with it, i'm the one who has to take it, and you're telling me it's gonna make me better when all signs point to "NO".

need to use their aggressive opinions to find ways to make me feel better, instead of ways to make themselves feel better.

all i'm saying.

Untouched Jewel said...

Unpretensious, one thing you gotta understand is this: people in your life will always find ways of telling you what to do with your life. But at the end of the day, it's YOUR LIFE. You have to be the deciding factor of whether or not you may or may not take up someone's advice or do things on your own. But in all of that, nobody has to live with the decisions that are made in your life but you. I think that's something you need to explain to your family and other loved ones. As long as your decisions don't affect no one else, who really cares?!