ManFive #12

ManFive #12, yea it's not friday. i'm so serious yesterday was one of my longest days in a while. so to make up i'm going to do #12 & #12.5 (male & female versions of the question, feel free to skip/skim).

the topic of the week is, "how do you know your man is cheating & vice versa" (courtesy of Mel). i am the all time catcher of cheating women. fellas, i can tell you 100% how to catch a chick cheating on you. if you want some one on one on how to catch your chick get at me. i can catch a hoe by her toe. for serious.

now the dude angle, i can give you ladies some idea..but i'm not a cheater. so i will have to go to the memory banks & the common sense library on yall asses. it is a guide if you suspect your dude, not a if your dude is doing this he must be cheating on you guide.

5 ways to tell your man is cheating on you:

way #5: he brand new..

it's saturday, yall watching the new movie on HBO..and his ass already saw it.

now..you looking at him, like "where you saw that shit?". and it is possible, he could have caught the bootleg here or there. but it's a fucking chick flick. so it's like why would he be watching, "he's so not into you" by himself, with his homies, or period? it's not just the movies. it's anything new that yall don't do together. if he starts talking about shit that seems odd, and is a new interest and yall never talked about it or did it together. then he's apparently talking/doing it with someone. so if it ain't his homies..guess who? or he start dressing different. he was rocking t-shirts now he rocking button ups. develops a new taste for foods. new interest in music. he taking you to restaurants neither one of yall have ever been to but the waiter recognizes him. yanno simple shit like that...

way #4: he quick to run errands, or has any excuse to get out the house

if a dude is cheating on you, he's always looking for a reason to get out. now chicks in a relationship where dude don't live with you. you don't have tabs on him like that, this is an issue that's harder to track. but chicks who pretty much know their dude go to work, come home, scratch his ass, watch sport center, go to sleep. then when he randomly isn't doing one of those things when you hit him up...he needs an excuse. now this isn't to say a dude leaving the house is suspect. it's to say a dude who phone rings & all of a sudden forgets he needed to buy some light bulbs. all of a sudden will pick shit up for the kids (without taking them). all of a sudden will make that midnight run to get "food" and stay gone for an hour & a half..."damn baby that line at Mcdonald's was LONG..". you might need to push "trip A" or "trip B" on that mileage cause dude is making stops. cause it'll always be stupid shit. it won't be..."i need to go get medicine." it'll be, "i need to go get some tire shine". because it's an "on the fly" lie. so it's never thought out right.

excuses include: working late (he works the morning shift), hanging with the boys (who are never any of his friends you know..cause you can check those alibis)..etc.

way #3: he smell like perfume, sex, different...

chicks have a keen sense of smell. yall are like drug dogs when it comes to sniffing another chick on your man. yall know his mama's scent. yall notice other chicks in the vicinity scent. so as soon as your dude walk up to you and hug you, you're like.."who you been hugging wearing that flower bomb?" of if he comes home and smells like another chick's "peaches". now all "peaches" don't smell alike, but for some reason yall know that "peach" smell anywhere. and if your dude come home smelling like "peaches", yall checking his drawz for "powdered doughnut" stains (courtesy of Maury). yes, it's possible someone brushed up against him. it's possible someone at work, an old associate, etc hugged him and had a little too much perfume on. but if dude is wearing that perfume or sex smell everyday. come on... unless he got a peach now. or he like to smell like light citrus now you don't have to be nancy drew to figure out what's going on here...if you have allowed another woman to change your man's scent, it's over. if he just start smelling different, and you can't tell why. like it's not a "peach" smell, not a perfume smell" he just don't smell the same. then you're the new side piece cause now she's checking his ass like.."why you smell like you her? (your wife/chick) "

way #2: he stop hitting you for sex...

okay if at 12:44am this dude is rubbing on your booty, every night for 2 years. if he jumping out from behind the door naked trying to poke & stroke. if he thinks every time you reach for him it's cause you wanna get busy. and all that shit just stops. unless he's having some "down there" problems. he's finally getting that shit, just from someplace else. i dunno how much i believe this one, cause unless you're a one shot dude...i don't see why you'd stop wanting it period. but i guess to some dudes once they step out maybe it satisfies the urge, maybe they just feel bad and don't wanna double dip, or maybe the work of trying to get if from you is too much and now they are getting it elsewhere the effort decreases. either way...unless the fountain is broke, if he is laying in the bed and you don't feel him at all for like a month it's cause some other chick is feeling him. test it out...if you grab it and it "gremlins" (multiplies), it ain't broke he just choosing not to use it with you.

way#1: he just a sorry ass dude..

he leave the house with a green shirt, comes back with a yellow one.

yanno you saw him put on underwear this morning but he doesn't have on any when he gets home.

you check YOUR voicemail and some chick, left him a message to hook up later.


so you already know he ain't keeping it 100% anyway. don't act surprised. if you know you're dude is prone to cheat, has cheated, wants to cheat, will cheat, etc..then why even read this shit? it's no secret he cheats. he doesn't care you know, he doesn't care to stop. stop being with dude. he don't love you. ok..maybe he do love you. i'll just say he doesn't have the capacity to love you the way you deserve. cheating = is a decision. it doesn't just happen. at some point or time that person makes a decision to cheat on you. wanna be a dummy? let them make an excuse for doing it. because there is no excuse.

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#12.5 how men know a woman is cheating on them...

not gonna rant & rave. just gonna drop into it.

women are very slick. very very slick. for the longest dudes never thought it was possible for their chick to cheat on them. for that, yall have become an evil geniuses of cheating. a dude could be out cheating twice a day w/ different women. you ask him where his main chick is..."she at home". sheeeeiiiiiiit! i fear telling you ladies how un-smart at cheating you are, for it will allow you to strengthen your cheating game. but here goes...these aren't signs your chick are cheating. these are red flags of your chick deciding/thinking about/starting to cheat:


flag #5 : she's always helping someone..

unlike men, women always have good excuses. one of their girls is "depressed..." and she has to go over, spend the night. her best friend three states away had a bad day, and she's gonna go cheer her up & have a girls weekend. see dudes can't do that shit. you can't just go off for a weekend with your dudes. especially not your single dudes. you can't just go over you boy house and spend the night cause he was "depressed". women don't need wild excuses to leave the house. it's the same shit she told you before she was cheating. that's why it's so crafty. you think they are being a good friend & they like 15 minutes away getting it in with some dude.

flag #4: starts defending the hoes...

now she always talked about her friends being hoes. but all of a sudden..."you don't know her..". all of a sudden it's funny. funny how? funny like she being a hoe too. if your girl's hoe friend comes in to town and she is EXTRA excited. beware..she is being ushered to the dark side.

flag #3: she start trying to impress somebody.....

key point, it ain't you. if she's getting dressed up to go to work. putting on makeup to go to the grocery store. hitting long hours in the gym. she..has a boyfriend at work, the meat counter, or personal trainer. now the kicker part is...chicks be so gone sometimes that they will ask for your assistance to look good for another dude. try on different outfits. different hairstyles. different makeup. and the whole time you're sitting there thinking..."why is she so into getting sexy to go to running?". red flag fellas. your chick should never be saying she trying to look cute going some place you're not. imagine if you got all fresh & clean to go play basketball..

red flags: she changes up her hair patterns "down there" she go from natural to landing strips, she wears sweatpants & bonnets in the house and goes out looking like a model w/o you, etc..

flag #2: she starts acting guilty

this ain't all chicks, but a lot of chicks can't handle being hoes. it's not easy. they actually feel remorse. sometimes even enough to stop. it's actually pretty easy to spot a cheater when they are sorry because somehow in their actions they are trying to tell you without telling you. that's why women can't compete w/ insensitivity of male cheaters. yall are masters because it's a surprise. it's unexpected, not because you're good at it.

flag #1: she changes...

if a chick is dealing with a new dude she is back at that "new dude" state of mind. she might be smiling all day until she see you. you are NOT who she wants to see. and woman can't hide that. the kisses aren't the same. the hugs aren't the same. the talks, etc...she can't get that dude off her mind so to her you are just annoying. seeing you is annoying. because unlike dudes chicks put that emotional shit into cheating. once they start dimming the light in your room they aren't/can't see you the same.