i got such a big ego...*clears throat*...

"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded." -Hebrews 10:35

and i believe that. everyone who knows me, knows i'm a shy guy. yes, it never appears this way online. "subjects are less outgoing then they appear". but one thing i do have, is confidence in myself. not in a over the top way. not in a "i'm better than you & have to tell you way". moreso in a, "i know i'm good..." way.

i feel like my life has been rewarded many times over. yea yea...i'm having some issues right now, but i guess it's the faith that those things will be overcome w/ some awesomeness in my near future that keep me going. that's the story of my life. i smile because God puts a smile on my face. it's not that i haven't been knocked down, dragged around, hung upside down..etc. it's not that i think i'm favored or owed greatness. it's because i know i'm favored & i am greatness. don't get confused by my "woe as me rants", because it's days like this when i'm just overcome with happiness. so it's days like this when i know God is hanging with his homebody. i feel like i could go out and play in traffic today, and be okay. true, with the feeling of wonderful coating me today it seems more than obvious i will be met with ppl who want to steal my sunshine & make today overcast. but to them, i say...come back tomorrow.

today is not the day, i'm fucking with you!

(i know yall hate that i be cussing & talking about God in the same post..but the Lord has coated just about everything but my tongue today...he knows i can't help it)

some things you just don't fuck w/ a month before they expire..

yanno when you're thinking about that special someone. and you're counting down the days till you're gonna get some of that "special" love. and it's been a minute since you had some of that "special" stuff. then out of no where, you being like a boyscout and trying to "be prepared" you look at the box and see the expiration date is for next month.

it's almost like yanno them shits are always popping, breaking, tearing, etc. anyway. but if they're about to expire makes you think they just gonna evaporate in the middle of you having sex.

sorry trojan, i don't fucks w/ you like that. some things are negotiable, you my friend...are not.

ManFive #5

wow, friday comes along fast these days. ok, i'm feeling the manfive rant style so i'ma go in hard on.....gay best friends today.

topic this week: why you're man really don't like your gay best friend (gbf).

being a man who's been involved with more than one chick with a GBF. let me just say i hate hate hate hate hate that shit. yea i see him with his skinny jeans on. yea i hear him laughing and talking "girl talk" with you. talking about like he like dick. yea i know YOU think he gay and shit. but i'm saying when dude was hugging you bye and saying, "i love you girl" he was giving me that gay *side eye* with a nigga nod. yanno the nod. the "i got you girl" nod. yea, that shit does happen in real life. i know yall watch all the movies where the guy "pretends" to be gay but is really trying to get with the HOT girl who wouldn't have talked to him any other way.

well the "GBF" is even sneakier. cause these dudes actually be fucking other dudes. but if you notice...they always become friends with the one chick they'd go straight for. and they'll say shit like that too all the time, yall just don't catch it. they'll be like,

"girl...if i was straight, i'd be all over that ass".

now if i had a lesbian best friend and she was always telling me, "boy if i was straight i'd be all over that dick". would that be cool? no, it wouldn't you know why? cause women aren't cool with you having a lesbian as your best friend. and if they are they want it to be a lesbian that's all dudely. you can't have a hot sexy lesbian as your best friend. because then she'll swear yall are pulling chicks together for threesomes. which isn't a bad idea...but i digress.

what i'm saying is. i don't discriminate. i don't trust no dudes. straight or gay. dudes be on some sheisty ass..."i don't even want you chick, but i wanna fuck with you" shit. check the logic...

this dude is doing EVERYTHING you won't do with your chick. she telling him everything she like. they sitting around having lunch, going shopping, movies, talking on the phone. i mean that's pretty much dating. you're just the dumb one if you don't see what's happening. cause the one thing a dude can do better than a chick when he's being your girl's friend....HATING.

everyone knows niggas be on different shit when it comes to hating. especially gay dudes. they don't come at it like their chick friends do. women are clueless when it come to men so their best & only material is..., "oh girl, he must be cheating on you..." or..."i saw him with..such & such last week". nope gay dudes be giving away secrets from the "man manual". it's like you forget that know that shit. not me tho...

a gbf will hit your chick with some shit like this...

"that nigga is NOT hanging with Ty Ty, check this boo boo..give him 10 more minutes & call him back! {ten minutes later}...where he at? in the car huh? what he listening to?...maxwell, you heard maxwell in the background? girrrrrrrl, you think him and Ty Ty bumpin' "pretty wings" in the car?".


that will inspire a "a-ha" thought that will set off fireworks. it's not just limited to that tho. a GBF will make a chick think her man will do some gay shit for her.

"girl what you mean he don't eat you ass? are you kidding me? OMG you don't know what you're missing."

i'm saying, you're taking sex advice from a dude who's supposedly messing with other dudes? now you're super curious and you want a man who ain't ever thought about messing with your ass like that to be enhaling dookie snacks? i'm saying. and it don't stop there, just cause he don't mind holding your purse, don't mean i want to. just cause he'll paint your toe nails, try on your underwear (for shits & giggles)...don't mean i'm gonna do that shit. it's like because he's a dude, you start thinking that it's a normal phenomenon like, "why isn't my boyfriend like you...he'd be perfect".

one catch ladies....he'd be gay. or at least pretending to be. which i mean pretending is pretty much gay in itself.

i'm saying...

young chicks are like delicate flowers...

they need to grow the fuck up. lmao. i'm so fucking serious. anyone who knows me, know i have an on going feud with young chicks. this rant is not directed at anyone in particular (or maybe it is..). i'm just saying i have lifted my dating bar to 25. you must be at least 25 to ride on this ride. that's right...i will no longer date chicks in school. i don't care if your in college for your P.HD. if your ass is still going to college.....call me after graduation. cause i can't do it. i just can't do that shit!

i admit, i've dealt with my share of young chicks. and when i was younger, that was cool. we we're on the same level. when you're both young 20's you both are foolish. both are still learning, still finding your way.

but once you cross that "grown up threshold" which for guys i think comes a little later (unless you have HUGE responsibilities on you from a young age) you kinda see the world different. i call it my "age of experience". the time where i woke up looked at my life and said..."Whoa...it's time to stop being young & grow the fuck up". that happened probably around the same time i was looking for a woman to be more than just my girlfriend, fuck buddy, etc. when i wanted more than just hanging with my dudes, going to clubs, & just living life reckless. this age for me was mid 27. i think for women it's usually 25. 25 is when i say women's "young chick" era ends and they become grown ass women. not saying yall can't be mature before then. just saying by about 25..yall have gathered some life experience points that would put you in the same mind frame as me at mid 27. and yall should have GROWN THE FUCK UP by then. let's not confuse this with you wanting the same things i wanted. because you can be 19 and want a family. but think about it. at 19...did you know HALF the shit you knew at 21. just saying real talk. two years, made a hell of a lot of difference right? now think back. at 25 can you not see all the mistakes you made at 21? it only becomes clear with time.

so what makes me upset? when a "young chick" will tell me they are grown. it's like you have NO IDEA what grown is. that's why i can't do the school shit. if you are stressing telling me how "stressed you are cause you got a 5 page paper dude in 10 days". and my ass is sitting here with a 3 year old little boy doing back flips off a bed. do you think that i can relate to your melodrama? HELL FUCKING NO. it's like fuck your paper. you're ass ain't gonna do it till day #10 anyway. your problem is NOT a problem. and i'm just not nice enough to care anymore. i used to be, but now it's like i got real fucking issues. that's like you complaining about going to work after working a 12 hr. shift. and i liken your problem to me not being able to find a toe-nail clipper. it's like are you fucking serious? i need a woman with real problems. i need her to be like...

"yanno...i'm tired as hell i worked all day."

THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE...is sexy as fuck.


"*sigh* i just finished paying all my bills for the month...i don't have no money"

OMG, i love you. that perfume "responsibility" you have on really turns me on.

"i don't know why she mad....i don't feel like going out hanging out in no club, i don't have time for that shit!"

um..do you have time to marry me? cause i def feeling that shit.

i'm saying. young chicks don't say shit like that. they just don't. and if they do, it's followed by a bad behavior. them working all day was their 4hr. shift at their work study job. like they spent all their money paying half their bills (to them the "important" ones: cell phone & past due bills) and the rest shopping. they don't feel like hanging out, nor have time for that shit...tonight. it was a one night only statement.

can't wait to smell that "responsibility" on my stalkertwit. now if we could just stop her from stalking me...that would be SEXY as fuck too. lol.

Man Five Friday #4

yea, i've been slacking as shit. blame in on the 'roids. and their uncanny effect to make me feel like total shit. ok, man five is always changing and always on some different shit. i guess when it gets to where i'm trying to make it it'll be more consistent. until then, hang in there with me. this week it's a man five rant.

man five topic of this week: why a dude can't be more romantic

now..if you ask my past girlfriends who's all about romance, they'll point to me. i'm a very romantic dude. now..i know they'll be a few bitches (only bitches cause they disagree) who'll disagree on some difficult shit, but they know ain't no dude did no shit for them like me. as a boy, i watched my dad cake for my mom. now, i'm not saying romance is simply about spending money. because to me, that's the easy part. going some place and saying, "give me the most expensive ring, biggest diamond, popular bag, etc.." is simple. it was just that he went out of his way to get her things and to make her day special. now he's NOT the king of romance, because um..that would be me. but it showed me that you have to take time & put in effort for women. so as a young buck..i made some HUGE romantic mistakes.

mistake #1: i overdid it.

i used to celebrate our "month" anniversaries. i sent her mom a thank you card on mother's day. i used to bring her, her sisters & her mother flowers every time i came over to see her. i would "make" gifts that were personal special & so so so gay-nice.

mistake #2: i did it when it wasn't deserved.

romance isn't owed to every woman. i used to be under the impression that you just floss a chick out just because you love her. it doesn't matter that she treats you like shit. or that you have to vie for her affection. it doesn't matter that she's probably playing you. i thought that as a man, you owed that respect to women. it wasn't till i had been trampled upon numerous times did i find that bitches don't get shit. so if you gonna be a bitch, please...get off me. as a man, i owe respect to a woman who acts like a fucking woman not a little girl, hoe, bitch, slut, tramp, heffa, etc. etc.

mistake #3: playing into "my ex boyfriend did this.." game.

ok, we all know men lie right?...well guess what so do women. i hate when a chick tells you all this wonderful shit her ex boyfriend "usta" do for her. it's like...um..really?. and it's always said as a seg-way into what you're not doing for her that she "usta" like. so yes, even i. king of romance fell into that bullshit fake ass game. where you try to outdo a past dude. but in the back of your mind you're thinking.."that nigga ain't really did that shit..." then you see an episode of "Charmed" on USA and realize where the fuck she got that idea from. yup, i played that.."i'm better than you ex-" game for like 2 minutes then said.."this is dumb as fuck...if that dude was so great why the fuck you with me right now?...get a fucking remote control and press skip".

Nevertheless, i've come to the conclusion that being romantic is a state of mind. why aren't guys romantic anymore. could be endless reasons. some being that they learned just like i did from past mistakes. women don't make it easy for you to do shit for them these days. there isn't a "i'm going to impress you stage" anymore. women are so not impressed with shit these days that you gotta jump through a spiked hoop on fire spinning at 80 mph, 20 feet in the air. you can't just buy a chick flowers and watch her face light up. now adays it's..

"i don't like roses..", "flowers die, i don't see the beauty in that..", "he only got me one rose..".

you can't buy them random gifts. because then they think it's random gift time all the time. it's like they open the door and you can see them looking behind you for gifts, get in the car they all opening up your glove box, checking between the seats. it's like.."wtf are you looking for?". you can't take them places cause they don't think it's romantic to go out to eat in a nice small intimate location unless it cost $240 a plate. you can't plan a "night in" cause that's being cheap. thanks to the death of chivalry & guys who mama taught them how to treat women. you can't send them love notes, cause they don't know what love notes are or mean.

there is a unrealistic fantasy women have concocted in their heads based off of what they see in tv shows & movies. they want things to happen like they do on tv. and it's like..umm i'd like things to happen like they do on playboy too. i walk into a store, women just get naked and jump on me to have sex. but come on..let's be for real. i once sat and watched a chick cry off of some shit that happen in a movie that was "so sweet" that i had already done for her. when i did it for her she wasn't crying. she wasn't excited. she wasn't like.."that's so sweet..". but to watch this dude do it on tv..she is crying. W T F?

i've also had a chick doubt my romantic tendencies, when i hadn't had a chance to show her. it's like...forget i send you flowers, forget i give you cards professing my love to you, forget i try to brighten your day with ridiculous snacks you love, forget i wrap presents with gay ass heart paper & bows. i'm saying..your last dude would buy you tic tacs as a gift, leave it in a walgreens bag, w/ the receipt in it. i'm already 10 miles ahead of that. just wait and do right, and you'll get all the shit you want & need.

------------------*side note: i must draw a division line between married and single women. married women LOVE anything you do for them because they are used to you not doing shit most the time. this is a single girl issue. -------------------------

i'm a flirt...

well actually an ex-flirt. how does one become an ex-flirt? get a girlfriend. she'll put a end to that shit real quick. it's crazy because that used to be one of my best qualities. i was well, um..very charming.

i think i'm still pretty damn charming now, just can't throw the compliments around like i used to. i'm not complaining. i mean i feel like as long as i have someone to flirt with, it should satisfy my "flirt" gene. but i think w/o it i have eliminated one of my greater qualities.

what you have to understand about me is, i am an equal opportunity flirt. old, young, fat, skinny, whatever race, etc. etc. my only requirement you be 18 & older female. not a "i wanna get in your drawz" flirter. just a simple, put a smile on your face flirter. make you feel good about yourself flirter. what's weird is although i've retired my flirting...women still think me being nice is flirting. what's the difference between being nice & speaking and flirting? i've been told numerous times me talking to women in the grocery store is flirting. me laughing at a joke that "the person on the phone" thinks isn't funny is me flirting. my ratio of female to male on my media outlets is me flirting. it's like...for real?

if the way i'm acting now is flirting. yall don't have any clue what flirting is. because i was a professional flirt, who could sweet talk a nun out of her convent. this shit right here is just me, can't change this. seems like you dislike my personality not my flirting.

how to spot a stalkertwit

some of yall might think i'm paranoid. but i'm dead ass serious. i have tons of stalkers. i have some who can't get enough of me. some who have gotten enough of me therefore want to keep an eye on me. some who are just nosy for no reason. some who are curious. some who are jealous. you name it, there's always a reason. so i kinda consider myself a stalker expert.

here are just a few ways to spot a stalkertwit. a stalkertwit is someone who relies on your stupidity to let other ppl know, "how you doing" & "where you are" to keep tabs on you. thanks to twitter, it's so much easier for a stalker to keep an eye on you from a distance.

i found my "stalkertwits" become too overwhelmed with this constant update of information that they tell on themselves.

how do you know someone's been on your twitter:

#5. they already know the news you got to tell them.

before you can casually tell them they are texting you lead ins to let them know. "so...how's you're day been?...oh really. anything interesting happen at work?...oh, i dunno like your boss was eating a tangerine some of the juice popped into his eye and now you have the day off?"

#4. they know the real names of your twitter followers.

you're reading your twitter on you phone app, they walk past as your laughing. you show them a funny tweet. and they say, "that sheila is hilarious". umm..how do you know @sheangel1019's real name?

#3. they make a reference to a mutual friend.

if you're RT'ed by someone that is a mutual friend. hell if you have ANY mutual friends then trust..they are all over your twitter. RT's make ppl interested anyway. you wanna see if there was anything else witty they have to offer. but if it's a RT from someone you know but aren't following that now just makes you wanna know about the whole conversation that led to that witty RT'ed tweet. so once you know yall have a mutual friend..say goodbye to your privacy.

#2. they know you've been talking about them.

but the only place you've said some crazy off the wall shit about them was on twitter. trust me if you talk about someone on twitter and they find out they come tell your ass right away. if they are good..they wait until yall next conversation. but trust, they aren't gonna let that shit slide. even if it was a sly remark like..."arrgh women make me so mad sometimes". her ass has calculated the time the tweet was made with the last time yall spoke. "yea that ninja think he slick talking about me..." i mean shit. i could have been talking about my mama. why i can't be broad with my shit? just cause we got off the phone at 9:52 and that tweet was made at 9:53. don't mean it got anything to do with you.

#1. they find you on twitter, but you never told them your @names.

this chick told me she recognized one of my friends "@" name because it was her name on another site and figure we'd probably be friends. so she happened upon my "@" name that way. i've also had MORE THAN ONE friend on twitter say someone asked them if @studiogenius was me. it's like how the fuck are yall ninjas finding me and knowing it's me?


these stalker tips can be applied to various other sites as well. myspace (site specific: if they have photos of you that you've only uploaded to myspace), facebook (site specific: if they text you the second you're status changes to, "it's complicated"), blogger (site specific: if they are arguing with you their side of an argument you just blogged), etc. as long as a stalker wants to find you they will do anything & everything to find you. my whole attitude is this. if you wanna read my shit, follow me. if you don't follow me and just read my shit don't say shit to me about it.

faker...

i admit, we all have flaws. i have my flaws, that is when i'm not being 100% perfect. yet, what is driving me crazy. something that really makes my skin crawl, blood boil, nuts itch....

fake friends.

the worst part about it is, you can't really tell when they are being fake. i mean that is if they are really good at what they do. and most times, it's the one's you least expect that really just crush you idea of "friends".
maybe since i hold my true friends close and don't let ppl in so easily that when i do find a fake friend amongst the real one's it truly hurts my heart. so how do you spot a faker?

simple, need their ass for some shit. it could be big or small. a faker finds it difficult to be there for you when you need them. whether it's "saying the right thing", "giving you gas money", "or being your wing man to an not-that-ugly-but-definitely-not-as-hot-as-her-friend" chick. a fake friend will always flake out on you. but that's where it gets tricky. because there is a "fake friend" who plays the game a little harder then the rest. he/she may be in it for the emotional support you give them, monetary gain, to steal your chick, etc..

these fakers you gotta wait them out. they might be there for you 25% of the time, before they make their flake move and just leave you high and dry. what do you do when you've found a flaker out?

kick their fucking ass. i'm starting a FYF club. (fuck you faker). i'm gonna just start kicking folks asses. like coming out the alley and punching ninjas in the side of the face. so beware. you fake w/ me...it's on.

to join my club, all you have to do is produce evidence of fakeness. and will gladly help you rid your faker problem. participation is a must. and you have to at least attack 1 faker a year to remain in the club. fist, eggs, toilet paper house, shit in a bag at door, prank..etc.

seats are filling up fast. join now!

i'm back on this bitch...

yall have to excuse me. i was going through a health crisis. it's not over, but it's more bearable so.."here i is" just as ignorant as ever!

i'm surprised i haven't been arrested yet. i've been having tons of violent outburst in my head. kinda ally mcbealish. i'm on some punch a ninja for saying "hi" shit these days.

yes, i know i need Jesus. i also need some liquor. due to all this shit in my system i'm only getting high on shit from the pharmacy on a regulated schedule. so let's add this up...

health crisis...check!
no liquor...check!
no sex....check!

= a very irritable, cranky, violent minded individual.

beware of my blog wrath...i'd get all kind of ignorant right now if my mom wasn't sitting in my face annoying the fuck out of me. i love her, but for real..it's time to peace it up. if not we about to be boxing..and i'm not just talking about on the wii. just kidding i wouldn't fight my mama.....but i'm saying.

i need to claim my life...

ever felt like you left your life on a conveyor belt? laying in my bed, awake & restless it occurred to me that..i need to go claim my life. i've been surrounded by selfish people for so long, that i'm beginning to think that's just how it is.

it started off when i got sick the first time which led to my divorce from "mrs.x". the life i had planned out, all shot to shit when she decided she wanted a life with someone else. must have thought i was gonna die or some shit...dunno.

how do you get your life back after that? a lot of prayer. good friends. self love. time, maybe? so i started back on the road of claiming my life. i understood it wouldn't be the same one i had prior. which sucked ass...you'll never know how fucked up it is to have someone decide to change your life plans for you. so i start my new life. which is extremely hard. to go from a marriage with a child, to a divorced parent is an adjustment. it also didn't help that work has me extremely busy. before mrs. x it was hard to find a woman who could deal with my schedule. she was in the same industry so he kinda understood a little better. either that or we had the same friends so the "trusting" i'm at the studio shit was not an issue. after being with her getting with someone new and having them understand my situation wasn't easy. cause women will feed you that, "i understand.." bullshit in the beginning. but ultimately they grow tired and want to be #1. the only problem with that is, i have a child. i'm not some young dude with nothing better to do than run up after you every free minute i get. i'm not giving anyone enough time. which then leads to, "well if you don't have time, you shouldn't be in a relationship". so you're saying because i got so much on my plate that i shouldn't want to be with someone? or simply, i shouldn't be with you?

i'm tired of people telling me i need to make time for them, when i can't make time for me. if you see that all i do is work & try to spend time with my son. why are you acting like i'm out partying and living the life? if you really "understand", then this wouldn't be an issue. because i have never once asked anyone to put their life on hold for me. i'm not the kind of dude that will tell you not to go out. i realize if i'm not there, you may still want or need to have a life. i understand that. only thing i frown upon is hanging out with dudes. because if you want to date other guys, just say that. don't put it under the disguise you want to hang out with your "male friends" at the movies, dinner, your place, etc. other than that you can fill your day with things, how can i get mad at you for that? i say this, because i am a hermit. self proclaimed hermit at that. i used to party back in the day. then i grew up, had a child, grew even more anti social. but if there was a chance for me to hang out with a friend, family member, or just go do something why have a problem with that? i find the one time i want to do shit, a chick will get an attitude because to her..."if i could do that with someone else, i could do that with her". nevermind the fact that she's like miles away. she thinks i'm being selfish by not making time for her. yet she doesn't see how selfish she's being.

i'm here 5 days a week with a 3 y/o, i work every day of the week/holidays, i'm going through a reoccurring illness that has progressively gotten worse, not to mention i talk to you throughout the day and whenever you have free time. one night out, is not allowed? it seems like the red flags should be falling out the sky. yet, i continue to worry about making someone else upset. i continue to talk to you about nonsense and fight with you about bullshit. i continue to let you convince me that somehow because i'm lacking in 2..maybe 4 areas, it trumps the 972 areas you're lacking in. i continue to let you invest less in me then i am in you, and that's suppose to be okay? i'm tired of being the "bad guy". why isn't my life & what i'm going through important? why can't that ever be the focus, just once? i haven't had that in a long time. i haven't been able to focus on me & what makes me happy. my life is being lived for everyone else. with my son, i expect that. but some of yall ninjas gonna have to let me breathe. because the way i'm feeling i'm about to lose my mind. i have too much on me right now...God is going to have to take some of this weight off me, or me & him are really gonna be chilling face to face tonight.