Thursday, July 2, 2009
i need to claim my life...
ever felt like you left your life on a conveyor belt? laying in my bed, awake & restless it occurred to me that..i need to go claim my life. i've been surrounded by selfish people for so long, that i'm beginning to think that's just how it is.
it started off when i got sick the first time which led to my divorce from "mrs.x". the life i had planned out, all shot to shit when she decided she wanted a life with someone else. must have thought i was gonna die or some shit...dunno.
how do you get your life back after that? a lot of prayer. good friends. self love. time, maybe? so i started back on the road of claiming my life. i understood it wouldn't be the same one i had prior. which sucked ass...you'll never know how fucked up it is to have someone decide to change your life plans for you. so i start my new life. which is extremely hard. to go from a marriage with a child, to a divorced parent is an adjustment. it also didn't help that work has me extremely busy. before mrs. x it was hard to find a woman who could deal with my schedule. she was in the same industry so he kinda understood a little better. either that or we had the same friends so the "trusting" i'm at the studio shit was not an issue. after being with her getting with someone new and having them understand my situation wasn't easy. cause women will feed you that, "i understand.." bullshit in the beginning. but ultimately they grow tired and want to be #1. the only problem with that is, i have a child. i'm not some young dude with nothing better to do than run up after you every free minute i get. i'm not giving anyone enough time. which then leads to, "well if you don't have time, you shouldn't be in a relationship". so you're saying because i got so much on my plate that i shouldn't want to be with someone? or simply, i shouldn't be with you?
i'm tired of people telling me i need to make time for them, when i can't make time for me. if you see that all i do is work & try to spend time with my son. why are you acting like i'm out partying and living the life? if you really "understand", then this wouldn't be an issue. because i have never once asked anyone to put their life on hold for me. i'm not the kind of dude that will tell you not to go out. i realize if i'm not there, you may still want or need to have a life. i understand that. only thing i frown upon is hanging out with dudes. because if you want to date other guys, just say that. don't put it under the disguise you want to hang out with your "male friends" at the movies, dinner, your place, etc. other than that you can fill your day with things, how can i get mad at you for that? i say this, because i am a hermit. self proclaimed hermit at that. i used to party back in the day. then i grew up, had a child, grew even more anti social. but if there was a chance for me to hang out with a friend, family member, or just go do something why have a problem with that? i find the one time i want to do shit, a chick will get an attitude because to her..."if i could do that with someone else, i could do that with her". nevermind the fact that she's like miles away. she thinks i'm being selfish by not making time for her. yet she doesn't see how selfish she's being.
i'm here 5 days a week with a 3 y/o, i work every day of the week/holidays, i'm going through a reoccurring illness that has progressively gotten worse, not to mention i talk to you throughout the day and whenever you have free time. one night out, is not allowed? it seems like the red flags should be falling out the sky. yet, i continue to worry about making someone else upset. i continue to talk to you about nonsense and fight with you about bullshit. i continue to let you convince me that somehow because i'm lacking in 2..maybe 4 areas, it trumps the 972 areas you're lacking in. i continue to let you invest less in me then i am in you, and that's suppose to be okay? i'm tired of being the "bad guy". why isn't my life & what i'm going through important? why can't that ever be the focus, just once? i haven't had that in a long time. i haven't been able to focus on me & what makes me happy. my life is being lived for everyone else. with my son, i expect that. but some of yall ninjas gonna have to let me breathe. because the way i'm feeling i'm about to lose my mind. i have too much on me right now...God is going to have to take some of this weight off me, or me & him are really gonna be chilling face to face tonight.