Friday, March 18, 2011

manfive friday #72

there comes a time in every man's life when he has to "get himself together". for a lot of men it can mean a very different thing.

it varies based on his issues at that point of his life. some guys it's deciding if college is for them. what they should major in. what they should do for the rest of their life. some guys it's deciding to get married, have children, or how they'd take care of either. some guys it's a "wake up call" they just wake up one day and decide they need to be doing something..different.

whatever causes a guy to want to "get it together". sometimes it's hard if you're the other person in the relationship.

manfive friday #72 topic of the week: why men become distant/break up when they are trying to "get themselves together"...

i've actually had a few ladies ask me this in the past few weeks. so i decided to make it a manfive and explain a few reasons why it's hard for guys to "get it together" when in a relationship.

#5: there is a "get yourself together" double standard...

a lot of you women these days rationalize the things you want to do and accomplish before you get married or have children. men do the same thing, except we're not allowed to be as separate as you. a woman you're with wants to know you're including her in your future (serious relationships). she wants to know that you are working towards doing things to provide and take care of her. women are allowed to take 2-4 years for their goals. men are not. we don't generally get to "not be together" in a relationship..because women want you "together". women want you to show your potential. men look for potential in women, but usually not in the areas that women check for in men. so a lot of times it's a lot of pressure.

as a man you feel you have to be "together". even though you don't know what you want to do in have to make a decision. even though you HATE your job, you have to do something to support yourself. not saying women don't have to do the same. just saying, women don't have to do the same AND be able to provide for a man to be seen as a responsible woman.

#4: the boogeyman theory...

when a boy is scared...what does he do? 

he runs. 

he hides. 

he cries. 

he goes to find someone to protect him from it.

responsibility is a scary thing. it's like the boogeyman. a grown man will confront it. he'll go looking for it. he'll go unmask his fear and move past it. sometimes the "boogeyman" paralyzes grown men and turns them into boys.

it makes them run (break up): sometimes it's easier to run away then to step up and do something that seems too hard or too much. a lot of guys will break up with you because they aren't "ready" to be with you. they aren't ready to step up and be the man you require them to be. it's not you, it's them. and they'll tell you that. even though they've wasted how many years of your life?. . .

it makes them hide (get distant): these men want to do better for themselves, they're just afraid of failing. afraid that they aren't good enough. and they need time. need space. need to really think (without you) about what their next move is..

it makes them cry (whine about things not going right): these guys are the ones who are currently trying to "better themselves" but make it seem like it such a fucking task that you want them to just be a bum and go live with their mother. it's like..."you got to grow up and be a day. stop acting like i'm asking you to be superman..i just want you to provide for me and show me our whole life won't be spent living like this..". there are guys who make "being a man" or "taking care or responsibilities" seem like some foreign shit.

you got to eat = you got to work
you got to live somewhere = you got to pay rent/mortgage
you got to get around = you got to buy gas
you got children = you got to take care of them
your chick birthday is tomorrow = you got to get her a present

this is simple shit. men who whine about doing things they should be doing as a man should have to go on fear factor and eat their used tampons.

it makes him go find someone to protect him from it (someone with less expectations of him): basically go find a chick who don't care he ain't doing shit. or one who accepts him at the stage he's in. if he's not ready to be married. if he's not ready for kids. if he's not ready to be in a "serious" relationship. he's not ready for a woman who wants a future with him. or a woman who is looking for him to step up any moment and better himself for himself (because a lot of women just want a man to see his own potential because a lot of times you see it when he doesn't).

#3: men can't multitask:

it's hard for men to juggle a lot of things at once. we're bad liars. we're bad cheaters. we're bad organizers. it's hard to keep everything running on 100, when we divide our time. simply put, if i'm focusing on my career. it's hard to grind, hustle, or devote all my time when i got a girlfriend. it's hard to save all my money to buy a house, when i got a girlfriend. it's hard to sacrifice things i want to do, because i got a girlfriend. this is the mindset a lot of guys get into. men don't function on "we can do this together". it's a "i got to do this". and it's the attitude that when they are done....they'll be able to provide and do the things they want to do for their woman.

yea it's a bit of a cop out, to women. and when in a relationship. but to men it's about "putting themselves first". it's about accomplishing the things he wants. sacrificing the things that don't seem that important at the moment. and i'm sorry to say, sometimes you aren't as important as his career. or that new car. or his healthy lifestyle. whatever it is...he can't handle both of y'all. so he chooses what he feels is more important to HIM. doesn't make you unimportant as a person. just means he's not the one for you at this point in his life. 

#2: surprise, surprise....he's a fail.

he doesn't want more. he feels like he's already together. and "YOU'RE" the only person who wants more. you keep on pushing him to get a better job. you keep on pushing him to do more for you. you keep on pushing him to want more for himself. and he's sitting there on a futon in his parents basement looking at you like you're crazy. sometimes on the quest to "getting yourself together" a man realizes he is content. and all the pushing, prodding, threatening, cursing, leaving...etc. is not gonna change a thing. he's a fail. at least for you. so stop trying to turn the toad into prince charming. he's gonna always be a frog. you just wasting those kisses and getting warts for nothing..

#1: he's afraid of disappointing you...

number 1 reason a man will break up or get distant on you when he's trying to get himself together...he's afraid. back to the boogeyman theory.

a lot of times a woman will come into your life and make you want things you've never wanted before. she'll make you think about those things you've never thought of. make you want to take care of, provide for, give her things you've never wanted to give another woman. just like there is never enough words to express the way you feel about her. sometimes there is never enough money to do the things you want to do for her. sometimes she is doing so much for herself you feel like you'll never be able to compete against her. it's not even about another man. it's her. a lot of men get caught up in not being able to give you the things they feel you deserve. not being at the point in their life to do the things you're ready for. a lot of times it's them wanting to do more for you that makes them walk away or grow distant.

maybe he was content in his studio apartment, until he met you. maybe he was good with his '85 bonneville, until he met you. maybe he never thought about kids, until he met you. maybe his idea of a date was the $1 movie, before he met you. the things that he was comfortable with. the things that was good enough for other women, he feels aren't good enough for you. even if you accept him as he is. even if you love him and intend to "settle" or plan to try to help him do better. in his eyes..he's not doing what he needs to do, because he can't do what he WANTS to do for you.

this kind of guy isn't the kind you run from. he's the kind that you have to be patient with. you have to be honest with. and you have to let him know that you see he wants to do better, then allow him to do so. allow him to better himself (education or job skills), save his money (towards a house, car, etc..), do things for you occasionally (even when you know it's a bit of a strain for him. sometimes guys have to feel like they can do things for you, even when it's means he won't eat for 2 days. it's makes him feel good he gave you that one day while he's sucking on ketchup packets). most importantly don't make him feel like less of a man because he doesn't have the means to do the things you're used to. if that's the case, be with someone else.


Jetaime said...

I truly appreciate this post, more than you'll ever know...specifically the last paragraph.

F said...

LMAO at going on Fear Factor and eating used tampons... HARSH! This was a nice post though. The problem I find is that too many women use the arguments in the last paragraph to justify staying with complete assholes. Still, you made very good points.

Anonymous said...

I think this is my favorite man five yet....

A lot to think about...because it applies to soo many different scenarios.

Piph said...

ha! i was actually waiting for this one lol

lovely said...

i super love this post. my dude took a break to handle some really hurt me at the time, & i still think it was fucked up, but i definitely do appreciate the fact that he handled his responsibilities as a grownup. i think if he hadn't put me on hiatus, our relationship might not have recovered from the arguments, mistrust, resentment, etc.
so even though it sucks, i think when a man can be straight up & tell you he needs space to handle something, all you can do is let him go...or get mad & try to force it until HE lets YOU go lol...

Anonymous said...

that last part is my BF. I already told you we are currently dealing with this. I'm THEE most patient woman when it comes to my relationships. And with him i know he's well worth it. When he was here last week he didn't let me pay for a thing even tho I know he doesn't have it like that. But I have to let him be the man and I see how proud he is to provide for me and do things for me. I did however let him know that when he becomes distant, he needs to let me know hes going through things and we'll be good.

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

@jetaime: thanks, appreciate you appreciating but seriously glad I could help.

@f: I'm saying, punishment should fit the "bitchassness". I feel you on the justification part. I always run a disclaimor that when I suggest you be patient, understanding...we're assuming dude is not an asshole or jerk. I think women know when a guy is worth it, and when he's not.

@.chymere.: I got to get even more awesome to make another manfive your

@piph: why didn't you just ask?

@lovely: good good. I'm glad y'all were able to work through it. That's what I was trying to say...working through things is much harder when you have a lot of things going on at once. Sounds like you two have a good understanding now.

@luvlymskrissy: I already know buddy. We gotta get him on that notifying you shit asap..tell him to stop fronting you ain't afraid to cut

Poppy said...

Hmm this is very VERY interseting. A lot of useful information, a lot of things are beginning to make sense now. I love this post!

lilioohpyt said...

I love this! I wish I had these encouraging words about 2yrs ago though, some of these lessons I learned on my own but some are just coming together for me now...
Its great to have a real man be able to break this down so that we can get a small understanding of how ya'll are thinking.

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

@poppy: thanks..glad to be a service.

@lilioohpyt: thank you. i appreciate that.