Friday, March 26, 2010

manfive friday #36..

"you can't teach a old dog, new tricks"

manfive friday #36 topic of the week: how to train your man..

we've all heard the old adage. it's a hard concept. it's almost impossible, but it can be done. it's not easy. it takes patience and persistence. it's a task that could make your life so much easier.

but how do you do it? how do you trick him into listening to you or changing from his old habits? we again, are not complicated. you just have to know how to harness the power to make us do some shit we wouldn't usually do. here are five tips to help you along the difficult journey of training your dude:

tip #5: how to get him to stop being a "head & shoulders". . .

you ever dated a dude who said he was gonna call you at a certain time. you wait all night and around 2 am your phone rings and you're thinking, "hell naw..this dude don't think i'm about to answer this phone?" or he ask you on a date on monday but he come by on thursday like, "what's up shawty?". you are dealing with a "head & shoulders" dude. a.k.a a "flake". why is he a flake? because your ass lets him flake the fuck out on you. wash you're fucking hair and get rid of the fucking flakes. wanna know a sure fire way to stop him from being flaky. stop playing into it. if he say he gonna call at 7-pm. at 7:01 stop answering his phone calls. if he say he gonna take you out tonight, when he call to reschedule tell him you're out with your friends, new boyfriend, or fuck his shit way up & say you're out with HIS friend. secret to making a guy be more consistent is demanding and not accepting the bullshit. once a guy learns he can't bullshit around with you he'll either straighten up & fly right or he'll leave your ass alone. either way, you win.

tip #4: how to get him to put the toilet seat down

this has been a problem since toilet seats were invented. my chick has told me about one of her friend's boyfriend (cause of course i'm perfect and i don't do she says he comes over and either leaves the seat up, or puts the lid down and doesn't flush. let's face it ladies, we men have the privilege of being able to stand and piss. and although it makes our lives so much easier it makes you're life so much harder.

i literally can walk in the bathroom, eyes wielded closed, aim...piss & flush. the seat being "up" enables me to do this the best. you go over to a single man's place his seat is probably up. we just don't have to sit as much as yall. and when we do sit, we look. you think it's lazy for us to leave it up, we think it's lazy for you not to look and put it down. truth is, we don't do it on purpose. we really just don't think about it. so beside just asking us, there are a few tactics you can use to trick us into "being sweet & putting down the seat".

"normal training": if you see him walk out the bathroom and leave the seat up, just like with a child..remind him to go put the seat down. make it a habit to put both the seat & lid down so it starts being a mutual habit. teach him how to piss with the seat down (without pissing on the seat of course). if he pisses and doesn't flush, leave it in there and tell him "the toilet must be broke, because the water's yellow".

"extreme training": make us feel bad. tell us you fell in. get a snickers bar and crumble it up and drop it in the toilet and let it just sit in there all day. let us find that "shit" floating around in the toilet. or if you're really bout it, light it up for real and put the seat down. trust once a dude finds/smells a chocolate surprise in the toilet, he'll start remembering to flush. and the # 1 toilet seat lesson learner..let us randomly just be walking around in our drawz or naked and throw water on our ass and say, "this is what it feels like, when you leave the toilet seat up".

"last chance training": is reverse psychology. you can start putting the toilet seat up. make him think either you're being courteous or you've learned how to piss standing up. i guarantee his ass will start putting it down for you. you will also eventually beat him at his own game, because he'll assume the seat is down one day and fall in himself.

tip #3: how to train him to have better everything

another common complaint amongst you ladies is that your guy just doesn't have good taste. whether it's his TV watching. he only watches wrestling, cowboy be-bop, & playboy all day. he thinks red lobster is a "fancy" restaurant. his idea of sexy isn't lingerie, it's liquid shiny leggings with a disco strapless bra. how do you instill "taste" into someones life?

you start by introducing him slowly. women tend to want a man to embrace new ideas all at once. like you want us to go from drinking miller genuine draft to hosting wine tastings. you want us to go from wearing a white tee & air force one's one day to button ups & hard bottoms. ditch the all polo everything for yves saint laurent. stop wearing cologne made by rappers/singers, old spice, and shit you can find at every drug/grocery store. you have to ease into it ladies.

start off with compliments, they're always nice. if he has on something nice, or is dressed a way you'd prefer let him know. make a big deal about it. or if you see something you think would look nice on him, tell him. say, i saw this button up that i think would look real sexy on you. while yall are out spray some cologne on him and tell him it smells good on him. while yall are out order some wine and tell him to try it. tell him you wanna go to a tasting or that you've heard of a new restaurant you want to try. introducing someone to something lets them be a part of making the choice. it doesn't feel as forced. it almost makes it seem like it's his idea or that by choosing it it'll be making him irresistible for you. again, we're simple and no matter how much we'll swear we see through your games..we'll fall for that shit every time.

you also can't be scared to spend a little. if you want him to step up his game, start by stepping up yours. you want him to appreciate you in some sexy lingerie, buy some. wear it, show him that it's worth the money. same goes for him, if it's something you want to see him in..get it for him. a lot of times a dude isn't trying to spend that kinda money on clothes. not that he doesn't have it, but he just doesn't deem it important. or he'd rather spend $225 on some retro jordans than on a shirt or some slacks. sometimes he just needs to see that it's an investment. see what he'd look like in it. see what a difference it would make. but you have to do that leg work. you have to go pick some shit out. if you want him drinking wine instead of beer, you start getting bottles and pouring him a glass during dinner. bring him one when he's just sitting around watching TV. just like he can't turn you into a sport center fanatic after one episode, be patient. "taste" is not something that is automatic, shit your "taste" might be shitty too. i'm saying you can't be dressing like a galactic space hooker and talking about how he dresses. always do it with respect, and remember that suggesting is NOT the same as telling. don't tell someone to change, just let them know that there are different things they can do to enhance themselves in your eyes.

tip #2: how to get him to be the "dude" from the chick flicks

i think this commercial is fucking hilarious, because you women really want this man. yall want the dude who wants to go for long walks in the park. the guy who wants to sit on the beach, read a book, and hold your hand. a guy who listens. a guy who knows the perfect gift. one who automatically is consistent, puts the toilet seat down, & has taste (tips # 5-3) without being trained or prompted. you want the man who only exist in your chick flicks and romance novels. how do you get that man. how does your dream man leave your dreams and walk into your reality? . . .

you go find a chick because dudes are NOT like that. lmao. naw but for real. teaching a man to like to do those things vs. teaching him that those are things you like is a hard task. you might not ever get him to completely like doing that sappy shit. but you can get him to the point where he does it for you, doesn't mind or complain. how exactly? by being appreciative. i say this shit all the time, yall don't appreciate when we go outside of our comfort zone to make you happy. cause on your birthday, anniversary, valentine's day, "special..we want some sex" days. we'll do all that shit in a heartbeat. but if you act like that shit don't matter, then we'll be more reluctant to do it again.

another quick way, is to stress that most of the shit yall like is free. besides the unlimited shopping spree you're always hinting about. walking in the park, holding hands down the street, writing you a poem, love free. this is probably the cheapest way of impressing you there is. and if he realizes that this little shit is what makes you happy. and it's not gonna cost him anything. i promise he'll start doing this cheap ass sappy shit all the time.

tip #1: how to get him on that "us" & "we" shit...

when starting this manfive, i was on the phone with my girlfriend asking her what she thought about this topic. she contributed one tip idea. and that was pretty good, so i asked her to think of another one. she gave me another and i'm like...oh that's good too. so then it started making me look at the other tip ideas i had thought up by myself and thought, maybe i should just make her give me all of the tip ideas. and pretty much she did except for #4 (that was my idea..and she was like "oh yea that's a good one"). she then said, "you better give me credit for helping you...". and i said " don't work for commission, you work for this dic.." okay i didn't say that. but she joked and said after she gave me this tip idea, "you better say our manfive...". (so yes..this week tip ideas were courtesy of my girlfriend..she just secretly wants to learn how to train me...that shit WON'T happen, lol.)

it's true, as men we are not in the habit of including yall in our plans or giving you credit for your involvement in shit you help us with. it's not a selfish thing, it's moreso a "i didn't think about it" thing. don't be co-signing tho, because yall asses do the same thing. i think it's just a personal thing we have to learn to incorporate in our vocabulary and lives. a few ways to get your dude to start saying, "we", "us", or "our" is letting him have some control. touched on this in the previous manfive. he'll start including you once you're riding with him. once you got his back. once he starts seeing the two of you as a team. you can't be an "individual" (I) in a relationship and want someone to use a plural term when describing you. like if you say, "this is MY sandwich, but this is OUR house". you can't be mad when he eats YOUR sandwich, because he's looking at it like:

if it's OUR house, OUR fridge, it's OUR sandwich.

you can't have it both ways ladies! so to get us in the habit you have to get yourself in the habit. you also can start asking him about the future. he'll start off by telling you, "i want to do this by the time i turn..", "i want to be financially stable..", "i want a family"...then as he continues you'll start noticing how things will turn into, "we need to buy...". "when when get married..". yes, this is some shit yall be on almost instantly because when you're gauging your future with a man you're thinking "you & him". when we look at the future, we include you but you're included in a more unspoken manner. it's like (if we really like you..) you know we're including you, but your just supposed to know that all the preliminary desires are just to get us to the "we" & "us" point. we're trying to get ourselves stable & together to start a family with you. so watch, slowly but surely the more you start supporting us and including us we'll start doing it in return. we just act like punks sometimes and want you to say it first.


Anonymous said...

Interesting post. I shall bookmark it in case I should ever need to errr ummm... Train a man.

And tell your better half I said good lookin' out on this post. She did a great job ;)

RoByn LaTice said...

lol at this whole post. I dont think you should get with a man and try to "train him"...but like the above said....Im bookmarking it just in case!

sunshinestar110 said...

Changing..No...Training YES!!!

A person only changes if they want to or are willing too!!! but if you take time out to train them and train them will it shall work out so much better. You don't wanna change someone and they run off wit the next chick..if he's trained well if he ever leaves what u taught him she shall no benefit from...

I'm just saying!

Anonymous said...

Ugh I hate that I can only comment on your blog from my phone! That samn atom thingy blows! Anyways. . .

Like I typed already but go erased because I needed to sign in or some bullshit. . .

I think that if u "train" someone the things they "learned" will carry over into the next relationship. And often times make the next relationship a better one. The things that were "learned" if the new significant other feels don't benefit them or they don't like it, then and only then would there be any alteration is what was "learned". Otherwise it benefits the next person just as much as it did you. She's gonna be impressed that he doesn't leave the toilet seat up. That's gonna earn him points specially if her ex always left it up.

And #1 is the truf! I just do the basics with it. U don't cal when u say u will then don't expect me to answer later on. I'd hate a man to think I was always avaliable to him when he's rarely avaliable for me in the same manner.

tha unpretentious narcissist © said...

@hightopsandpearls: thanks..and i ain't telling her she doesn't do well with compliments.

@robyn latice: it's not about getting with him to train him. it's a fact that ppl don't automatically just mesh together. if you're used to doing things one way & i'm used to doing things another..we gotta reach a compromise. so just like you may have to teach your dude that you like the toilet seat down, he may have to train you to wash the dishes.

@sunshinestar110: i is a must. changing is a no. that's the point i was trying to make. you can't make someone be a different person, you can just steer their behaviors to a point where you can deal with them. if you're with a slob, he's gonna be a slob. that isn't gonna change. but if you can deal with everything cept him leaving his shitty drawz on the floor...train him to pick those up & yall might be able to work something out. lol.

@luvlymskrissy:i agree. it will benefit the next chick. in fact she'll just think he's wonderful as hell after being trained. because men really do pay attention. if a chick drives it in my head that some shit "ain't sexy". i won't make that mistake twice. lol