Friday, March 19, 2010
manfive friday #35. . .
i have a "turning on the lights" problem, so i usually use my tv to illuminate the room as i roam around. i turned on my tv the other night, like i always do. it was on the "Frank & Wanda" show, a local radio show that airs in the morning then later broadcast the taped show on a local atlanta channel. their guest this morning was a pastor who was spewing all this garbage about women submitting to their man. now don't get me wrong, i'm all about women submitting..but within reason. this dude was saying, "a woman should always submit to her man...even if he's lousy, he makes bad decisions, he is not driven by faith". i think all those qualities are definite reasons why a woman should NOT submit a man. not to get all holy on yall. but a leader has to earn the right to lead, go ask Barack.
manfive friday #35 topic of the week: why & when it's okay to relinquish control to your man...
this post isn't about yall submitting. it's moreso a guide to why or instances where you should step back and let a man be a man. let my girlfriend tell you, i'm as chauvinistic as a big balled caveman. she used to tell me all the time all i wanted was a woman barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen. and to be completely honest, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. not saying that is the only place for a woman. not saying that is a role that she must wear as her only badge. just saying there is nothing wrong with wanting a woman to do some of the traditional things that women used to do.
i touched on this briefly in my "young chick" post where i said a woman, "doesn't want to let a man be a man". and think about it. women have had to step up their roles these past few decades. it stopped being about the man being the provider. it's stopped being about the man being the protector. it stopped being about the man making things better for his woman. women have taken on a more hands-on role in everything. yes, it's a sign of the times. but it's also to blame for the way many women react to men. i know a lot of you think "chivalry is dead". and to a lot of men it is because women won't allow or don't expect you to do things. in fact i was on twitter and happen to follow a link to one of my twitter friend's website, and she's going in on men & women doing better. and i definitely agree with her, check it out here.
here are a few instances where you should let go of the reigns and just trust in someone else.
#5: definitely in marriage/long term relationships...
let a man take care of you. stop being so set on being "independent" that you lose track of the fact that yes, you should be able to handle your own. but you should be able step back and look at the bigger picture. just like we can't walk through the same door at the same time. just like we can't use the same toilet at the same time. just like we can't hold and write with the same pen at the same time. there comes a time, where one person has to go first. now in all those instances, being a gentleman..i'd let my lady go first. but in the same regard, when it comes to leading "us" we have to choose a leader. and yes, i agree decisions should be equally made. but just like you sign power of attorney, or you leave your life insurance to your mama...at some point you have to trust someone has your best interest in mind.
you can't work in a marriage or a long term relationship without the trust & without a leader. and there are times for you both to lead. but sometimes for the quest of oneness, it's not bad nor does it make you inferior to give up the control. you are suggested to be the weaker of the two sexes, but it's actually a stronger trait to back down then it is rebuke. again, we are under the assumption that you have a good man. that he is looking out for the best interest of both of you. and that he knows you. he knows what you'd agree with, what would make you unhappy. it's like putting your trust behind someone & saying..."we". he speaks in "we" when he makes the decisions. he talks things over with you BEFORE he makes decisions. him being the decision maker is actually an illusion, because both of you know it's both of your decisions.
#4 when it comes to the kids...
i know some of you ladies don't have this option, but for you ladies who do let go of some of that control. i know it's hard. especially if you aren't with the person. a mother is the gatekeeper to everything. which leads to mom doing everything herself. my mom cooked, cleaned, worked, everything. my mom disciplined me. my mom stopped me from going past the second mailbox down the street, my mom took me to baseball practice, my mom took me to the doctor. i am a certified mama's boy. but even though my mom's word was golden. she always let my dad tell me what i should be doing too. she always let my dad teach me life lessons & never tried to undermine him in front of me. right or wrong. the thing with kids is they have to see a united front. and they have to see that you respect the other parent. if you have a good husband/boyfriend/father to your child. allow him to teach that child life lessons too. don't control everything the child does, because it's really easy to do when your child sees you as the one in control.
my mom was putting in all the face time. she could have taken all of the credit. but she let my dad step in and make decisions. she was doing all of the daily sacrificing of her time, energy, & sanity (not to say my dad wasn't, just my mom was more hands on). if she told me, "you can't go there...". i knew asking my dad was NOT going to change that answer. for years all my dad said was, "what did you mom say?". i used to be so pissed at my mom because i felt like she was being mean, that my dad didn't care and that he would let me go. then as i got older, i found out how "uncool" my dad was about me doing shit too..that he used that, "what did your mom say?.." to throw me off his scent. both those ninjas were sitting there discussing how they could stop the fun in my life. lol. he was part of the decision making too, in fact he always delivered the harsh blows.
sometimes you have step back and let the man have some control. let him show a boy how to be a man. it may be things that you don't 100% agree with all the time. like my dad would have me in the garage sweating like a slave staining wood, out putting down wood chips outside, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash. buying my own car. paying for college myself. this is all shit that my mom could have stepped in at any time and been like.."that's my baby...". but she didn't do that. she would act sympathetic..."yanno, your dad just wants you to learn how to...". but she did not rescue me. her letting him be a man & make some decisions made me a man & a stronger person. same could be said for your little girls. her seeing a man who takes care of her, loves her, protects her..will teach her the characteristics she needs to look for in a man. her seeing you sharing in control and not brow beating & trash talking her dad takes the notion that "men ain't shit..." out of her head.
your kids are very impressionable. and everything you do in raising them contributes to the people they become. we know women are strong. a lot of you ladies are doing it on your own. and don't let no one tell you a woman can't raise a man. it happens everyday & has been for the longest. the important value to teach your son when you're on your own is although you may have had a no good ninja....they shouldn't be one. teach them what a man should be doing. show them that yes, you're doing it on your own..but you shouldn't have to. don't let a boy get in his head that it's okay to leave a woman to raise a child on their own. don't excuse it, you don't have to live your entire life bad mouthing their father. trust, the child knows who is there and who is not there in their life. say what you have to say, and move on. if you have a man in their life let him be a man who is responsible and is going to show them love, respect (not just to them, but to you too). allow them to have good examples in their life. again, this is assuming that the man respecting you & your children. if a dude don't wanna participate in their child's life let that loser miss out, because the example he'll give them isn't one you want them having anyway.
#3: when it comes time for paying...
let the man be in control of that shit. it's not about caking. it's about saying, a woman needs to be taken care of. STOP REACHING IN YOUR PURSE. don't start it, don't initiate it, don't act like it's an option. if that dude can't afford to take you out, a movie, some mcdonalds, parking meter..whatever then stay in. never be in control of that. even if you ask him out on the date. if yall are out and "he forgot his wallet", you pay for your half and let him figure out what the fuck he's gonna do. dating/courting is about showing effort. if you're with a broke dude and all he can afford is yall to watch tv, yall stay yall ass in and watch tv. if you wanna catch a movie and go dutch, go with a chick friend. if you wanna catch a movie and pay for it, go with your mama or your kids. stop letting a man off the hook. there are tons of things he can do for free or on a budget. all he's showing you by checking your wallet, finances, and/or ashtray is that he's going to look at you for money again. the only exception is if yall are married and are sharing an account where all the money is the same. a gentleman will not allow you to pay for him or pick up the tab. even if you insist and grab the check. he will find a way to pay you back. it could be by buying you flowers the next day. or doing something extra special. think about it. i'm sure it's happened to you if you've ever paid for a guy who wasn't a bum.
#2: in the bedroom...
i admit, there is nothing wrong with a lady taking control in the bedroom. everyone likes to be ravished sometimes. we like the teasing, "watch what i'm going to do to you" action. but at the same time, no man likes to feel like you think he can't handle you in the sack. we all know women are in charge of sex. yall tell us when we're having it, you decide what we gotta do to get some, you decide if you're in the mood, etc. when it comes down to the loving, let him have some control. i know some of yall say, "he should just take control..." that's called rape ladies. yes, we can pick you up, throw you on the bed, & just go at it...if we know you're in the mood for that. but let your ass have had a bad day.
so if we have to take in consideration your moods & preferences. at least let us know it's okay to do certain things. let us know when you want those things, and then...let us do it. promise you this it's one of the reasons men find a chick who will do the shit you don't do. and the #1 reason women start thinking their man "won't" do certain things when it comes to sex. it's not that he doesn't do it, he just doesn't do it with you. i might have never gave you head. i might have never got at you while we were in public. i might have never thrown you up against the wall, on the table, the counter, over the banister..etc. but it's because that option was not available for me. if you're controlling the sex, the frequency, & the type you might actually miss out on the freak of your life. one night, go to your man and say..."i'm in the mood for you to take me, do whatever you like..." and watch the crazy shit he start doing. now if he's trying to shit on you...i can't be blamed for that (your dude just gross). but give him the freedom to introduce you to things he likes and wants to do to please you. stop thinking the only way you'll have an orgasm is by him licking the left side of your clit. stop telling him you only like fast sex, because you've never been with a dude who wants to take his time and make you feel good. there is nothing wrong with telling someone what you like, but give them a chance to try to please you their way sometimes.
#1: when getting to know him...
yall know i'm not gonna put yall out there to get played. i'm not saying submit to some dude you're just getting to know. i'm not saying let him be in charge of making decisions. this is simply a step to see who you're dealing with. almost like a test, but not a game (like so many of you women like to play).
this is to see where his head is at. this is when you're in the stage between "just dating" and "serious relationship". if you're getting with someone and you're not ready to completely trust them. don't give them the keys to your life. don't give up control to anyone who doesn't have your best interest at heart & that you can't trust. but in situations where you need some advice. or you want to see how he'd handle it if you did give him control. ask him what he thinks. ask him how he'd handle it. let him think you are putting it in his hands and see if he drops the ball. again, this is not a game. i'm not telling you to just be bullshitting dude. i'm saying, honestly want to know what he'd do. honestly listen & care about what he has to say. then if it fits your life, do it. if it totally goes against what you believe, don't. either way, this is you're way of kinda seeing how he handles things. it helps him feel like he's taking care of you. it helps promote unity. and it also helps you out sometimes when you're unsure about what you want to do.
there is nothing wrong with being in control of your life, but there is also nothing wrong with having some help. in order for people to help you, YOU HAVE TO LET THEM. stop being so damn independent. we all need help, even if it's just from God.